Between Points
by eilatansayah
Summary: Jackson snorted humourlessly and his response accompanied an attempted raised head, something that turned out to be just too demanding in the current climate.
1. Chapter 1

**The power of suggestion is a funny one. Any little idea and my mind instantly start's whirling and trying to conjure up a story. This is what's happened now, 'Nicster' made the suggestion and here is the story.**

**I know I said that I will be going quiet but it turns out I am an addict.**

**This story falls between 'Motionless and Fast Forward' I've been searching for a new series idea for ages and it turns out that 'Nicster's' really caused the creative juices to flow, here it is.**

"My computers playing up," Jackson turned to Joe who was stood on the other side of Dale Head's living room, folding his washing; he straightened and raised an eyebrow. "No good looking at me mate, I'm useless with computers – especially one as complicated as yours."

Jackson closed his eyes, frustrated, this meant he was going to have to call out a technician and he really couldn't be without his computer, "how am I going to mark these without them?" In front of him sat a mountain of papers from his students, the subject is creative writing and he wanted to get them back for tomorrow's class.

Next to him Joe shrugged, "I could go and get my laptop and we could sit together?"

If was times like this we're he felt he could scream – only for him this would be a problem.

Jackson is a teacher, lecturing at the University of York, with a full degree in English, he started working there six months ago and is currently undertaking his Masters. He was very fortunate to get the job – what with not having any teaching experience, but luckily they saw more in him, probably something to do with the fact that he is a published author.

He wrote a book whilst in the second year of his degree and a short story the year after. The 'Book' was a very personal account of his life and a best seller and whilst painful to write it opened up so many doors.

"Do you want to do that then Jackson?"

He spun his chair round to look at Joe, his loyal carer who'd worked with him for seven years, "It's going to take hours."

Joe just grinned in response, "That's fine, Lilly's taking the kids to a birthday party tonight anyway – and you know I have no problems with you paying me more money."

Thank god for Joe, who always has the sunniest disposition and always helps him to overcome obstacles, Jackson has a huge obstacle, one that no one can understand how it feels unless they experience it for themselves – he is tetraplegic. This means he cannot feel or move beneath his neck, he is wheel chair bound and has carers round the clock. It happened when he was twenty- three, before then he had been a builder with his own business, he had his own life, a boyfriend who he loved and four fully functioning limbs. One day he went playing on the tracks, and his van was hit by an oncoming train, the doctors said he was lucky to be alive.

"right," Jackson said, running his tongue over his teeth, "we're in for a long night, I'll call the technician to get my computer sorted, hopefully they can fix it tomorrow," he looked up at Joe, "and you can sort out the coffee –we're going to need it!"

Five hours later their settled into the routine, Jackson felt that he needed to give Joe some credit because it's not exactly been fun. He is reading through his students works and Joe's job is to scroll down the page and type any comments Jackson tells him, his spelling is fairly atrocious though and Joe keeps giving sheepish looks when he needs help.

Usually Jackson has a special lap tap that's voice activated and can detect eye level, there is also a piece of software that can open all the documents and it makes marking a lot faster. Joe huffs loudly and Jackson turned his head to look at him, in return Joe just gives a sort of smile, "spelling stresses me out." He shake his head fondly, "don't worry you're doing great."

Since the accident Jackson has been through a few carers, but Joe has always stayed. In the beginning it was Joe along with his Mother, she lived with him for two years until eventually Jackson couldn't hack it anymore and told her to get lost. This is the joke that Jackson always tell because he knows his Mum is amazing; she never gave up, even though he made her life hell. It took a while, but with her and the other people in his life, Jackson came to realise that actually he did have something to live for. That after those two years of coming to terms with everything he was strong enough to let her get on with her own life and so sent her back off on her travels. Of course she keeps popping up every six months to earn some money and she won't leave him alone on Skype.

"Twenty Nine marked, six to go," Jackson can't help the teasing in his voice and Joe groans, "I'm too good to you."

Jackson can't deny it, because Joe goes above and beyond for him, their far more friends than client and carer, with Joe even going as far as to ask Jackson to be his best man at his wedding to Lilly. They have two gorgeous little girls who Jackson spoils like crazy called Sophie and Marie and he's always invited around theirs.

"I reckon we can get these done before last orders, I'll treat you to a pint."

Joe just looked at Jackson as if he's lost his mind, "forget the pint – you're getting me a double!"


	2. Chapter 2

**STOP!**

**I've had to (sort of) rewrite the first chapter because I realised as much as I love doing first person narrative; it just wouldn't work for the story. You people might want to go and re-read, not that the contents really changed.**

**Thanks**

* * *

><p>"Alright lads?" Adam's propping up the bar, casually talking to his Mum when Jackson and Joe enter, "It's a bit late for you two isn't it – it's a school night?"<p>

"Joe's minds gone funny – he needs a drink to straighten it out." Adam didn't have a clue what their talking about and raises and eyebrow questioningly, "huh?"

"We've been marking his students work together because Jackson's computer is having issues." Adam's expression turned to one of understanding, "I see," he smiled at Joe, "struggling are we?"

"You have no idea, I hated school and this is giving me flashbacks."

Adam watched Jackson grin and shake his head, "I'll buy you a dictionary for Christmas."

"Hay it's not funny you know," Joe tried to manage an offended look but it doesn't wash, "we can't all have the talent for the English language like you do."

"Yeah," added Adam after taking a mouthful of beer, "who knew when I meet you that there was a brain in that head of yours – although you we're still a better builder than you are author…" he trails off, realising how he sounds, there's a noticeable pause and Adam is kicking himself. They've always bantered like this – throughout the seven years they've known each other they've openly mocked the usual things that blocks tease about, like relationships, clothing and drunken behaviour. Somehow though commenting on Jackson's before and after career feels beyond tasteless.

Jackson just rolled his eyes, not missing Adam's discomfort, "Don't be an idiot mate – I get people at work tip toeing around all day long."

"Right," Adam squared his shoulders, he should have known that, they've been friend for long enough. The Jackson in front of him is not the same man he knew five years, the one who was deeply depressed and desperate to end his situation. In those days every word he uttered redirected everyone's attention to his condition, he wouldn't smile at you, spend time with you and some days he didn't even have a civil word for you. "In that case, I stand by my original statement – you could lay a brick better than you can write a sentence."

Jackson grinned and snorted at Adam, "What would you know – you can't even read."

Next to him, Joe groaned loudly, "Are we drinking or what?"

"Oh yeah," Jackson suddenly realised where he was, "Sorry, Moira, I'll have a pint please and Joe here will have have…"

"Lager please,"

"Lager? I thought you we're making me buy you a double?"

Joe shoved his hands deep into his pockets, "better not, need to drive home – you can get me one on our night out."

"Oh yeah, we still up for that are we?" Adam had been looking forward to this for a while; it was going to be a proper lad's night out with the three of them and Andy. It had been a couple of months since their last outing because of the various reasons, one being Jackson, he didn't like to go out so often. The biggest obstacle though was Joe and Andy, they're both married with kids and don't manage to live quite the bachelor life that Adam and even Jackson does.

"We most certainly are," Joe rubs his hands together gleefully, "I have been allowed off the leash."

"Here you go lads," Moira put down the pints and Adam watched as Joe takes out Jackson wallet.

"And take one for yourself Moira."

"Hay, that my money!"

Joe flashed his most innocent look, "I know."

Adam sometimes wondered how the pair of them mange it, their roles within each other's lives is so complicated and as Jackson's carer there should probably be a bit more professional distance between them, but over the years they've become best friends. Only a few times there have been issues and twice Joe has been fired, the first was when Jackson was deeply depressed and before they truly became friends and the second was when Jackson felt that Joe was over stepping the mark. Jackson had gotten an infection and been hospitalised about three years ago and Joe had called Hazel, who was in Thailand at the time. Jackson's argument was that as this was not serious, no next of kin was required and Joe had been adamant that his friend needed his mother, that's when Jackson had shouted that he was his carer not friend and it all went downhill from there.

They got back on track about two months later and other than that their set up had always worked well. For instance during the night out that they'd arranged for this weekend Joe would not be acting as his carer. In no way will he be solely responsible, every one of them will help him with his drink and Jackson's other carer will come and pick him up – whatever time that is.

They sit themselves down at the nearest table and Adam idly listens to Joe chat about the problems he's having with getting his two little girls to go to bed, he can't really comment because he's yet to have any children. Adam's most recent serious relationship ended six months ago and it had not ended on the best of terms, currently he was enjoying being a free agent. At the time he'd been living outside the village with a women, who'd he'd been with for three years, they had plans and we're even engaged but she'd had an affair. Adam had ended up moving back up to Butler farm with his parents just to get away from her quickly – and he had to admit it was nice to have someone doing his washing again.

"Anything new with you Adam?"

Adam turned to Joe and rested his head in his hands, "The new office buildings are coming along – we'll be advertising for the positions soon, me and Andy will be interviewing." They'd turned Butlers Farm into a bit more of a factory farm seven years ago and the business whilst slow at first was really making grounds now. Everything was still free range just like traditional farming but they we're now able to sell directly to the supermarkets rather than send the animals to the slaughter house. The business was going from strength to strength and they even had their own brand name now complete with fancy packaging.

Jackson and Joe nodded, "What are the working condition?"

Adam raised an eyebrow, he wasn't sure what Joe was getting at but he had a feeling it was at the expense of Jackson, "unfortunately we have to comply with UK employment terms."

"They gave you a copy did they Jackson?"

Jackson shaked his head in response, "and one day that will be funny." The three of them sit there slightly for a second, with Joe clearly trying to come up with a comeback and failing, Jackson just looked back triumphantly. "On that note I think I'll change the topic," he moved his head to access the straw in his pint, the glass is conveniently placed in a cup holder attached to his chair, "spoke to mum today, she's still in Cambodia – think she's going to stay there a while."

It's then that Adam stills, because he's suddenly remembered that he does have some news and Jackson or Joe must have said something to him that he's completely ignored because their looking at him strangely, "Adam?"

Adam mentally cleared his mind and sat up a bit straighter, "Sorry boys, miles away."

"Where?"

He looked at Jackson, who'd raised an eyebrow, the truth is that for a second he'd been in Dubai, "erm," Adam shifted uncomfortably, he hadn't yet decided if he was going to say something or not. He didn't want to because it would cause a fuss, but then saying nothing would be like he was hiding stuff.

"Well," he took a slightly noticeable breath, "I heard from Aaron the other day."

Even though it was a minute gesture, everyone at the table could see Jackson's head freeze; it lasted a moment before he swallowed hard and raised his eyebrows, "really?"

"On Facebook," Jackson was looking at the table top, suddenly very interested in something he found there so Adam continued, feeling terrible as he did, "I'd messaged him a few weeks back and you know what he's like – I only just heard back from him."

"So he's alright then?"

Adam smiled gingerly; talking about Aaron to Jackson always made him uncomfortable, he was just lucky it didn't happen often, "yeah well he's alive anyway, he didn't exactly say much in it – just to say he hoped I was well."

"He's still in Dubai then?" Joe asked, glancing sideways to look at Jackson.

"Yeah, that's what Chas told me the other week."

Adam watched Jackson's show of casualness, he was doing a terrible job of it, "So you don't know what he's up to then?"

"No," Aaron typically was very private, so much so that he didn't even post anything on his Facebook profile; the last new photo had been uploaded seven months ago, "just that he's fine – as always."

"What about that guy he was with?"

"Err, yeah their still together."

Jackson nodded softly, "good."

Adam wasn't fooled for a minute.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello?" Joe gave his usual courtesy knock before entering Dale Head, it was unnecessary as he had a key and he was meant to be there anyway, but Joe liked to give Jackson as much privacy as possible. Jackson didn't get to be alone that often, it just wasn't safe, at the most it was an hour or two here and there and so sometimes Joe would make a real effort to do the Jobs that kept him upstairs – at least giving the illusion of privacy.

Jackson lifted his head; he'd been staring at his laptop screen and seemed deep in thought, "Hay," he responded softly.

"Got the laptop fixed quick then," Joe nodded towards where it sat on the table.

"Yeah, Sarah said they came at around 11.30 this morning," Sarah was Jackson's other carer, she shared the role with Joe, "they had to wipe it."

Joe's eyes widened, "You have backups though?"

"Yeah, I've not lost anything. The guy just had to reinstall the software."

"That's ok then." He looked at Jackson, who seemed preoccupied and Joe could tell that he wasn't really looking at the computer screen, "you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"You don't seem it," he'd been quiet when Joe had dropped him back to Dale view the previous evening as well, they'd been with Adam in the pub.

He watched Jackson suck on his bottom lip for a second, "yeah, just work and stuff." Joe had known Jackson long enough to know the difference between work and other problems. When it's an issue at work Jackson likes to talk it out until he can figure a solution, sometimes using Joe as a sounding board.

"You we're a bit quiet last night as well." Jackson glanced up at Joe and gave him a small slightly annoyed smile, "honestly I'm fine," his eyes narrowed, "and I'm also hungry."

Joe raised his hands in an 'ok, I give up' way and headed towards the steps, "What do you want me to make?"

"Anything, you decide."

Now Joe's eyes narrowed because this wasn't part of the deal. Joe was his carer not mother and every decision in Jackson's life, no matter how small had to be his own. This was the reason that Jackson had fired him the first time, it had been about six months into him living with his condition and Jackson had given up on life. He was refusing to eat, shower, go out and even what to wear, one day Joe had refused point blank to decide what to dress him in and Jackson had screamed back. In those days Jackson screamed at everyone, it was a horrendous time.

Jackson smiled and rolled his eyes at Joe's expression, "ok, ok, there should be some mince and potatoes upstairs; I'll have a cottage pie."

Joe made the meal and a couple of hours later they sat together down stairs. A few years ago Jackson had installed a special chair lift. It was seriously heavy duty and Jackson could connect his wheel chair to it, so there was no having to transfer him to another chair once upstairs. He'd done it because he had gotten sick of always being in the same room and it had also meant that he could use his living room to entertain people, before when anyone was round they'd had to stare at his bed.

"Lilly's making a curry tonight, so I won't be eating with you."

"Right," Joe looked at Jackson as he answered, he was back to his distracted behaviour from earlier, in fact his conversation for the last two hours had mostly been on auto pilot.

"Sarah will be along later, it's her night to stay with you."

"Yeah."

Jackson had just nodded and Joe knew that if he'd asked, Jackson wouldn't be able to repeat what he'd just said, he decided to test his theory further, "she's grew an extra head last night and I know she looking forward to showing you."

"Good."

"Right that's it," Joe put down the cutlery sharply and it caused Jackson to look at him with surprise, "let's talk about it."

"What?" Jackson seemed genuinely confused.

"This thing that's bothering you."

He blew air out his mouth and shook his heading dismissively, "honestly Joe."

"No," Joe made a show of moving the cutlery away from Jackson, "I'm ignoring the cutlery," he then moved his chair back, "I am no longer feeding you. At this moment I am not your carer just your best mate, tell your best mate what's wrong."

This is the thing that they did sometimes; it helped make their strange carer/best friend scenario work.

Jackson sucked on the inside of his check for a second but otherwise didn't offer anything.

"Ok," Joe responded, "I'll just have to guess," he gave Jackson a pointed look; "this is because Adam mentioned Aaron last night."

There was no reaction, not even a blink from Jackson and Joe knew he was right. They sat there for a moment staring at each other at an impasse until finally Jackson let out a huge sigh, "that predictable am I?"

Joe shrugged almost apologetically, "You are where Aarons concerned."

He rolled his eyes, "it's not what you think."

"What do I think?"

Jackson looked Joe straight in the eyes, "That I'm still in love with him."

Joe held up hands, "I never said that."

"Good because it's been four years since I last saw him, it would be ridiculous if I was still carrying a torch."

In response Joe just looked at Jackson, he still clearly remembered the day that Aaron left. He'd turned up one morning to find everything that Aaron owned stripped from Dale view where they'd been living together. Aaron had been offered an amazing job opportunity in Dubai and Jackson never asked him to stay. Jackson ended the relationship and Aaron moved out to stay at Paddy's but this didn't stop them from constantly shouting at each other. The day Aaron left the country Jackson had been inconsolable and for a few weeks he even reverted back to not caring, he stopped going to lectures, wouldn't eat, in the end Joe had threatened him with a call to social services.

"So what's bothering you then?"

For a moment it looked as if Jackson wasn't going to respond and then finally he licked his lips, "It's just sad that's all."

"Sad?"

"That," he rolls his tongue over his teeth, "That after everything, we can't even be friends. That I hear he's doing ok from someone else."

"Right," Joe knew that Jackson had tried on numerous occasions to make contact. Adam had given him Aaron's email address and he'd sent a few Facebook 'friends request' but they'd all gone unanswered.

"So what if it didn't work out between us, that doesn't mean we can't be friends. After what we've been through together, I shouldn't hear about him like this."

Joe wasn't so sure, because after what they went through together he sometimes wondered how they managed to be a couple at all let alone friends, "he was angry when he left."

Jackson scoffs, "What? And it's lasted four years?"

"When did you last try to contact him?"

"Before my book was published." Joe thought for a second and realised that was over two years ago, Jackson had written an autobiographical account of his life since the accident and Aaron had featured heavily in it. The book detailed some extremely personal details and Jackson wasn't prepared to get it published unless Aaron had been happy with the content. He'd asked Adam to email over the manuscript and they didn't hear anything for a couple of weeks, eventually Aaron had emailed back saying to go ahead.

Joe could remember how preoccupied Jackson had been back then too, they'd talked it over and Jackson had said how he'd hoped to hear from Aaron directly, even if it was just to say good luck. But he hadn't and the book had been published and won some awards, there had been a lot of publicity around its launch and there was noticeable press interest, this was the same press that had covered the actual events. These events being the train crash and then the subsequent suicide attempt.

"That was a while ago then."

"Yeah," Jackson shook his head sadly.

Joe wasn't so sure about his next bit of advice because surely if Aaron wanted to hear from Jackson then he would have used one of the opportunities he's had. He took a big breath anyway, "Why not try again?"

Jackson raised his head apprehensively, Joe felt he'd almost been waiting for that suggestion, "I know you Jackson; I know that's what you want to do."

"And if I don't hear from him?"

Joe shrugged, "then things just continue."

* * *

><p>By ten in the evening Joe had gone and Jackson could hear Sarah moving around upstairs, he was in front of his computer staring at Facebook and on his screen sat a picture of Aaron. It had been four years since he'd seen him in person, Aaron would now be twenty six years old and whilst the man in front of him looked more mature, it was still clearly him.<p>

"Computer, open friend's request for Aaron Livesy," he watched the dialogue box open and he paused, "Computer write the following, "HI AARON, I HOPE YOU ARE WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU A LOT RECENTLY AND I'D REALLY LIKE IT IF WE COULD KEEP IN TOUCH, IVE MISSED YOU. XX'."

Jackson looked at the words; he stilled for a moment and chewed on his bottom lip, "computer delete message."

He waited and even contemplated closing the page but then shook his head to clear it, "computer write the following, 'HI AARON, WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU. ADAM SAID HE HEARD FROM YOU THE OTHER DAY. HOPE YOU ARE WELL'."

He read the message over and over and then stopped and blinked heavily for a moment, Jackson took a deep breath, "Computer… send."


	4. Chapter 4

"Ready boys!"

Chastity Dingle was stood behind the bar leaning against it and flicking through a magazine, she could clearly see and hear the four boys at the table. She watched Adam pick up his and Jackson's shot, holding them to their respective mouths, he was eyeing Joe, waiting for the count down, next to him Andy was doing the same.

"One, two, three – go!" Over the years she knew they'd had plenty of practice doing this, all three of them were able to deftly drink their own shot whilst also pouring Jackson's into his mouth without spilling a drop, in fact she had a talent for doing it as well.

"Another shot?"

Adam looked at Andy and pulled a face, and Chas couldn't help getting involved, she straightened up behind the bar, "pace yourself Andy – you don't want a repeat of last time." Joe snorted and Jackson started giggling, in response Andy wore his best defensive expression, "hay I had a good reason for that!"

"Yeah right," Jackson scoffed, "there's never a good reason to be back in bed by eleven."

The last time the four of them had been out together Andy had over done it and ended up being taken home early, the next day he'd blamed it on the hours he was working on the farm and then coming home to take care of a wife and two kids. Chas knew that Adam in particular had wound him up for weeks afterwards and tonight had put him on a one shot an hour maximum.

"Right fine," Andy crossed his arms, "but my beer is running low, so whose round is it?"

Both Joe and Adam immediately eyed Jackson – "your round," they said in unison.

"Fine," he responded, "whose coming with me?" Chas could have easily acknowledged them wanting a round and brought the drinks over but she knew that Jackson always went up to the bar to order. He couldn't carry them and needed someone to come with him, but no matter how much a pain it was to maneuver his chair, he still insisted, wanting to cling to every inch of independence.

It was a Friday night and still relatively early, the four boys were starting in the Woolpack as usual and then getting a taxi into town. From there they'd head to a few bars and sometimes Jackson could even convince them to go into 'Redemption', which was the lasted name for the bar that used to be called 'Bar West', the one and only gay hangout in Hotten. She'd gone out with them one night and dragged Gennie along, proving that she was a bigger party animal than the lot, even in her forties.

"I'll come up," volunteered Adam easily,

Chas grabbed a pint and hovered it underneath the beer pump, she knew what he was going to order because the boys rarely asked for anything else, "usual Jackson?"

"Ta."

She was busy pouring the drinks, not really paying attention to the boys as they chatted but then she couldn't help her ears from pricking when they mentioned Aaron's name. Adam was talking softly and she noted the apologetic tone in his voice, she wondered what it was all about.

She didn't know how often Aaron was mentioned around Jackson but she'd figured it wasn't regularly. Over the years there had been a lot of trauma between the two and she knew that Aaron never wanted to hear about Jackson, she'd thought it was the same the other way round. Although she had to admit that Jackson was a lot more emotionally stable than Aaron and in all probability Jackson would want her son to be happy, Aaron hadn't been so gracious.

A year ago she'd gone to visit Aaron in Dubai, before then she'd been lucky if she got a text or email what with her son being his usual uncommunicative self. In the end she'd packed a bag and told him when to pick her up from the airport and even though he acted put out, she knew he was happy to see her, even better was that she got to meet Aaron's gorgeous boyfriend, Dean. He was a few years older than Aaron and worked for a PR firm in Dubai, they'd meet when Dean was organising an event at one of the Hilton hotels. Apparently a very important guest's car was having problems and Dean had taken it to the garage that Aaron was working at , the rest they say - was history. At the time she hadn't known that Aaron was dating because he was still, even after all this time a very private person. It was whilst he was driving her back to the apartment that he'd casually mentioned Dean and she'd sat gobsmacked that her son was not only in a relationship but they were also living together and she didn't have a clue.

She's had a massive go despite being so pleased for him and Dean had turned out to be lovely, he was easy going and charming and had an air of quiet confidence about him, that seemed familiar. Because of this Chas had felt so sure that with Aaron being settled, he'd be more than happy to hear that Jackson was in a relationship as well, but she was wrong because Aaron had refused to even acknowledge Jackson's existance.

Chas continued to pour the other pints whilst still listening to Adam and Jackson's conversation, Jackson was dismissing Adam as he apologised. It was a bit of a strange coincidence that they we're talking about Aaron because she'd received and email from him only yesterday, she couldn't help but wonder if somehow they knew about it.

"Sorry boys," she plonked down the last pint and both of them looked up, "I wasn't listening but I did hear you mention Aaron."

Adam shifted and Jackson joined him in his uncomfortable expression, "err yeah," Adam begun, "I heard from him last week."

Chas looked across from Adam to Jackson, understanding a little why Adam would be apologising, "that's funny because Aaron emailed me yesterday – he must be in a chatty mood this week."

"He did?" she noted Jackson's head shot up but couldn't read the look on his face.

"Yeah."

Jackson nodded minutely, "he ok?"

"Yeah, didn't say much as usual," Chas had to admit that she didn't like talking about Aaron to Jackson. Their relationship had been complicated and had ended so horribly and there was still a lot of bad blood. Four years ago Aaron had been offered this job in Dubai and had wanted to refuse it if it meant losing Jackson; Jackson hadn't allowed him to sacrifice the opportunity though and had finished their relationship. It had taken three months of Aaron begging and arguing to be taken back before he packed his bags and left – no one knew were he'd gone until she got a text a few days later saying he was fine. It had quietly panicked her and everyone else, she knew her son wasn't the most stable person and was scared it could cause another emotional breakdown.

For a second she watched Jackson drift off and then noted the mental head shake he gave himself, "how much for those pints Chas?" he asked and even though he hide it, she could see how unsettled he was by her news.

"Thirteen –twenty thanks," Adam retrieved the money and Jackson absently wheel himself back towards where the other lads we're sat, she paused a second and then quickly grabbed Adam's sleeve preventing him from leaving, "what was that about?"

"Nothing,"

"What was it about?"

Adam shifted and then glanced back at Jackson, who was still maneuvering his chair back to the table, he licked his lips uncomfortably, "it's nothing."

She eyed him, "There's no such thing as 'nothing' when it comes to my son and him, tell me."

"Ok fine," he glanced back again and then lowered his voice, "Jackson tried to contact Aaron…" Chastity took a big breath in alarm, "… he messaged him on Monday and hasn't heard back."

"Why?"

Adam shrugged, "he just thinks it's sad that they can't be friends, he was holding out an olive branch."

"And that's all?" In Chastity's opinion Jackson and Aaron just weren't good for one another, they'd proved it again and again, and the last thing she wanted was for them to become mixed up in each other's lives, especially with Aaron finally being so settled.

"Yeah, that's it."

"Right so that disappointed look just then was about..?"

"I guess it was because Aaron is obviously ignoring him, _again_."

She gently drummed her finger tips along the bar top, "ok."

"Can I go now?"

"Yes."

Chastity continued to serve but she couldn't stop thinking about her conversation with Adam, it unnerved her. Over the years her feelings towards Jackson had gone through many variation, she started off adoring him and then resenting him for ruining Aaron's life, even she though could admit that at times maybe she had been out of order. Just after Jackson's accident, she had tried to convince Aaron to break up with him, convinced that staying together would ruin his young life. And it had for a time because Jackson had been so depressed that he'd convinced Aaron to help him die, unknowingly he'd also convinced Aaron to end his own life too. Chas could still remember the day she'd entered Dale Head to find both Aaron's and Jackson's lifeless body, they'd each taken an over dose. This had been the beginning of a long road back to health for both of them; Jackson had had a short stay in a rehabilitation hospital, luckily because those events had shocked him into wanting to get emotionally well. Aaron on the other hand had a complete breakdown and was sectioned because he was a danger to himself, he was in hospital for six months in total and it was another year before he came off the medication. Once discharged the pair of them had resumed their relationship and although she had had her misgiving, they were good together. Better than that they we're really happy, Jackson took his A-level's and then started his degree and Aaron had entered a state of wellbeing and calm that he hadn't experienced even before all this started.

In the end she'd had to admit that they could make it work and so it had come as a shock when Jackson suddenly ended the relationship. For a while she'd gone back to resenting Jackson, because one morning they'd woken up to find that Aaron had done a runner, he just couldn't cope with not being with Jackson. Now though, especially after going out to visit him, she realised that this was the best thing for everyone and didn't want anyone to start seeing things differently, especially Jackson or Aaron.

"That will be the taxi," Chas lifted her head to see Joe checking through the window, the four of them started quickly downing the rest of their pints. Jackson, whatever his mood from earlier was now laughing at Adam because he couldn't finish the pint and she was relieved because as much as she wanted Aaron to be ok she also wanted the same for Jackson.

"If you boys struggle to have fun, give us a call and I'll remind you," she winked at them and watched them roll their eyes embarrassed, they we're never going to live down that she could out last them on a night out.

Once gone, the pub was noticeably quieter, it was mid-August and had been a beautiful sunny day that should now mean they were busy, instead it was strangely empty, "right," she turned to Rachel, one of her bar staff, "where are they all?"

"Don't know," Rachel responded disinterestedly whilst leaning against the bar.

"What have you done to drive them away?"

It was said with a glint in her eye and it caused Rachel to arch her neck back with pretend attitude, "I've only just got here, this is your doing!"

Chas laughed, "it better not be like this all night, I need some excitement."

"Here's your chance now then," the woolpack door opened and Chastity looked up, ready with her best smile, her face instantly dropped in shock.

"Aaron."


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi 'madzzz', yes you are correct, homosexuality is illegal in Dubai and I had considered it but don't worry I will probably address this at some point. **

**Also Thank you sooooo much for all the feed back everyone, it seriously sustains me!**

* * *

><p>Paddy burst through the door to the woolpack's living room, he was out of breath after running the length from Smithy Cottage and what with him not being the healthiest man in the world it had taken its toll. He leant his hands heavily on his knees for a second, taking deep breaths and then straightened up and pointed dramatically, "What on earth are you doing here?"<p>

"Hello to you too Paddy."

He remained fixed to the spot glancing between Chastity and Aaron with a huge disbelieving grin on his face, Chas was perched on the end of the sofa with a matching expression, he just couldn't accept what he was seeing.

Aaron looked great, amazing in fact, and even though they'd talked on Skype it had been four years since Paddy had seen the younger man in person. "Are you just going to stand there?" Aaron asked with an amused smile on his face.

"Like hell I am," and before he had time react, Paddy suddenly jumped down onto the sofa and wrapped his arms tightly around him. Chas laughed and Paddy continued to squeeze hard. "Get off me," Aaron grunted but Paddy was having none of it, "never!"

A couple of seconds later Paddy released Aaron from his bear hug and cupped his face between his hands, studying the youthful man intently. He had a full face of stubble – verging on a full beard and his hair was longer than Paddy had ever seen it, he had a deep tan as well which made Aaron looked so much more mature.

Aaron squirmed out of Paddy's grip and knocked his hands away, "stop being a weirdo Patrick."

But Paddy couldn't help it, he was so happy to see Aaron, "What are you doing here?" he turned to Chas and narrowed his eyes, "did you know he was coming back?"

Chas held up her hands, her smile was beaming and she could barely sit still, Paddy could see she was in shock herself, "no, first I heard of it was twenty minutes ago when he walked through the pub door."

"Can't I visit my family?"

Paddy felt dizzy from the excitement, it was like Christmas day, "any time you want," and then he leapt on Aaron again, circling him in another hug.

It had taken a few more squeezes before Paddy was able to calm down and Chas had gotten up to put the kettle on, "right Aaron," she began as she leant heavily against the kitchen counter, "what are you doing here?"

Aaron shrugged, "just wanted to come back."

"Why didn't you tell us?" she responded

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

Paddy glanced at Chas and her eyes meet his, he grinned "it certainly is a surprise Aaron!"

"A great surprise," she added and then walked around from the kitchen to circle Aaron into another hug. Paddy hadn't seen her reaction when Aaron turned up but he could easily imagine it, she probably had to be pulled down off the ceiling.

"Right," responded Aaron, "calm down, both of you," he waited for a moment as both of them settled and then slapped Paddy on the leg, "how's that god son of mine?"

"In bed, Pearl's babysitting," When Paddy had received the animated phone call from Chas saying Aaron had just walked into to pub; he'd immediately called up Leo's honorary Grandmother, "Rhona's on a call out, she is going to be so happy to see you."

Aaron smiled and fondly looked at Paddy, "he's really getting big now."

"Yep," Paddy clapped his hands between his thighs and rocked slightly like an excited child, "he's seven now, you saw that picture I sent you of him in his football kit – he loves football."

"How'd he managed that with you and Marlon as his Dads?"

"Err excuse me, I like football!"

Aaron cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head, "No you don't Paddy, you just pretend you do because you don't want to look like such a girl!"

This was great, Paddy knew he'd missed Aaron but he had no idea how much, they we're like Father and Son and Paddy was pleased that they could have this banter. The months preceding Aaron leaving had been pretty horrendous and he barely said an eligible word to anyone. Jackson had finished their relationship and he was in bits, Aaron couldn't function and there was a very real fear that he might be having another breakdown. Because of his history the police had taken it very seriously when he'd gone missing, they'd tracked his credit card and reported back that it had been used to buy a plane ticket to Dubai. Luckily after a few days they'd both received a text assuring them that he was Ok.

It was three months later before Aaron felt that he was able to speak to either of them, first it had been a couple of phone calls and then he had agreed to a video call. Paddy had been so relieved to finally see Aaron again, he was looking much healthier than before he'd left and Paddy could tell he'd averted a repeat of his emotional instability. In the end both he and Chas had agreed that this was probably the best thing Aaron could have done.

Paddy poked Aaron and Chas stood in front of them, hands on hips, smiling "you'll be able to take Leo for a kick about then Aaron, show him how it's done," Paddy rolled his eyes at Chas' comment. "You can take him for all the kick abouts you want Aaron," and then he tapped Aaron's legs in another demonstrative excited way.

"So how long are you staying then?" Chas asked as she returned to making the coffee, she was about to pour out the boiling water but then suddenly slammed down the kettle, "this is just a visit – you're not moving back are you?"

Paddy shared a concerned glance with Chas that wasn't subtle; "Don't worry only a week," Aaron started to laugh "it's nice to know I'd be welcome though."

"No," Chas shifted awkwardly, "we just thought you were settled out there."

Aaron shrugged, "yeah I am."

"With the lovely Dean," she gave him a sly look and Aaron blushed, "yes, with Dean."

It hadn't occurred to Paddy that Aaron may not be alone, he suddenly sat up straighter; "Is he here?" he'd not meet Dean in person, just briefly spoken to him when he'd answered a video call on Skype.

"No he's busy with work and couldn't make it." Aaron said this evenly but Paddy thought it was a bit odd, "so you got on a flight and left him behind?" Dean was from Manchester and it seemed weird that they hadn't arranged the trip together.

"He is just really busy at the moment."

Paddy could see Chas still behind the kitchen counter, she suddenly had a worried look on her face that Paddy didn't understand, it was as if she'd just thought of something, "why didn't you postpone the trip then, it would have been nice to see him again," she was looking at Aaron strangely and said it almost as if she didn't believe his reason.

"Too expensive, we brought the tickets a few weeks ago but a last minute job came up, it would have cost a fortune to change the dates, he'll come next time."

Chas narrowed her eyes and spoke slowly, "so this visit was planned then?"

"Yes."

"And that's it; him not coming is just down to a busy schedule?"

"Yeah."

"No other reason?"

Aaron frowned uncomfortably, "no."

"And you didn't just suddenly decide to jump on a plane – say maybe yesterday?"

Paddy understand Chas' doubt, because Dean not coming could easily mean they we're having problems and Aaron's solution to problems was always to leg it.

"I just said didn't I?" Aaron was looking agitated now and he frowned at his Mother, "Mum, I've been back less than an hour – don't annoy me already."

She folded her arms, "So you are both really fine then?"

"Yes, "Aaron replied exasperated

"Ok."

Aaron disappeared upstairs to use the bathroom and Chastity was finally getting on with making the coffees, Paddy joined her in the kitchen and leaned against the counter, "What was that about?"

"Nothing, I'm being daft."

"Chas?" Paddy lowered his voice, "do you think him and Dean are in trouble?" Ever since Paddy had known Aaron, his instincts had always been to flee. He'd never been good at facing his problems and in almost every instance this had led to things getting worse; the only exception had been when he'd run away to Dubai.

She glanced towards the door to make sure Aaron wasn't returning, "No, it's just a bit of a coincidence that's all."

"What?"

Chas took a deep breath and thought for a second, "I found out tonight that Jackson tried to make contact with Aaron this week."

Paddy straightened, "why?"

"He wants to be friends?"

This worried Paddy, he knew that he and Chastity shared an opinion where those two were concerned, "you think Aaron's back because of him?"

"I don't know."

"Nah," Paddy shook his head, "Jackson has tried to make contact before, there's no reason why this should be any more than a coincidence."

"You think?"

He squeezed her shoulders softly, "look at him Chas, he's happy, he's well and he has a great job. Before he left Aaron was so ill, why would he want to leave Dean to go back to that?"

"Because maybe he's still loves Jackson?"

"The last I checked he hated Jackson."

She swallowed hard and blinked heavily, "you and I both know that there is a thin line between love and hate."

They were interrupted from their conversation by the sound of Aaron's footsteps on the stair case, Chastity quickly got back to the coffees that she'd been trying to make for the last half an hour and Paddy retook his seat, "so," he began when Aaron plonked himself down, "what are your plans whilst your back?"

Aaron paused for a second lost in thought and then licked his lips, "mostly to get hammered with Adam," his response caused them both to smile.

"I might call him to let him know I'm back."

"Well I think he's out around town tonight."

Aaron looked at Chastity and smiled, "I might wait till tomorrow then, otherwise he'll try to get me to join him. I'm too knackered after my flight." She handed Aaron his mug and then sat back down on the sofa, there was a moment of silence and Paddy noticed it was because Aaron's attention was briefly elsewhere, "who's he gone out with?"

They shared a look and then Chas cleared her throat, "Andy, Joe and," she really didn't want to say the last name, "and Jackson."

Aaron nodded but didn't say a word, so Paddy leaned forward unsurely, "you know he still lives in the village," there was no need to mention a name, it was clear who he was talking about, "You're going to bump into him."

"I know."

"And you're Ok with that?"

He took a slurp of his coffee and rested the mug against his lips, "Yeah," Aaron said and then he stared off.

Paddy and Chas shared another look.


	6. Chapter 6

"God I envy you." Jackson flashed Sarah a cheeky grin as she took a quick sip of her coffee. "I'm serious Jackson, I'm never able to have a night on the town without a hangover, you don't even look tired."

"It must be youth on my side."

She eyed him and put down her cup, "Youth? You're almost thirty!"

He grinned back "A youthful soul then." Jackson had had a fantastic previous evening with Andy, Joe and Aaron, they'd done a bit of a pub crawl and then went onto a club and once again Andy had drunk too much - this time Adam had joined him. The two of them had ended the night sat on the pavement edge declaring their love for one another and telling Jackson they could understand how he was gay because men we're better than women. He and Joe had been in hysterics and Sarah had barely been able to keep a straight face as she drove them all home, Adam started singing that she was beautiful and then decided women were better after all.

"I can't wait to see Adam, he won't be able to look me in the eye."

Jackson scoffed, "there's one thing I know about Adam and that is that he has no shame."

She laughed and picked up the spoon to scoop the last of his breakfast; carefully balancing the content, she moved it towards Jackson's mouth. They were in the village café because Jackson really wanted a decent fry up and Sarah was a terrible cook, so terrible that half the time he lived off Joe's amazing home cooking and the rest Sarah's beans on toast. Sarah had worked for Jackson for just over six months, she was thirty three, had long red hair and the dirtiest laugh he'd ever heard. She was clumsy, kept breaking his plates and even now couldn't use the hoist to get him into bed without needing a technician to take a look but Jackson liked her immediately, he also liked how they checked out men together.

"You never said what bars you visited last night?"

"The Light Bar, Bar Release and Walkabouts. We then ended up in Desire."

Sarah winced her eyes shut, "Desire? Why'd you go to that dive?

"Well, began Jackson, "we'd had a discussion last night that maybe we we're too old to go to Liquid, seen as there all eighteen in there and went to Desire instead. It was a big mistake," he draw out the word big, "because however old we are, we're still too young for that crowd. It was funny though."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, a lot of middle aged women in miniskirts and bald men with comb overs."

Sarah started laughing hard and accidently knocked Jackson's spoon on the floor; she picked it up whilst still laughing and plonked it on the table, luckily Jackson had finished his breakfast. He eyed her as she kept laughing and looked around the room, Sarah's laugh was a strange one, her voice was gentle, soft and pleasant to listen to but the laugh was such a contradiction. "Sarah it wasn't that funny," the sound reminded Jackson of a hyena's and it would often look as if she was out of breath. "I know Jackson it's just the part about the comb over, my ex-boyfriend had one."

Jackson smiled; he loved Sarah's stories "go on."

"Well," she began, "he had no hair except for these four strands that he'd be constantly smoothing down across his head." She kept having to pause to laugh, "they," she cackled again, "they were so long that when we we're having sex they used to hang down and tickle my forehead!"

Jackson couldn't help join in laughing and he knew that the other café patron's we're looking at them curiously, Sarah had tears in her eyes and bent down to pick up a napkin to wipe them, "Oh god I haven't thought about him in ages!"

As much as Jackson wasn't in anyway a product of stereotype, he had to admit there were some perks to certain aspects, having the 'female friend' to sit around and talk about men with was one. He was looking at her as Sarah sipped on her coffee and he could suddenly see the shift in her eyes, he knew that look, it meant a cute man had just walked in and one thing they loved doing together was rate men. She had her lips pressed against the cup rim and leant in discreetly, "That is one man who doesn't need a comb over!"

Jackson grinned, his chair wasn't facing the door so he couldn't see, "tell me more."

"He is all kinds of fine."

"Give me a number?"

"Definitely a ten," she then shifted uncomfortably and averted her eyes; "he's looking at us," she mumbled.

"Maybe he fancy's you."

She ducked her head and lowered her voice further, "do you know him, because he's looking straight at you?"

Jackson pulled his brows together, "how should I know, I can't see him."

"Turn around."

"No."

"Turn around!"

He huffed heavily; he didn't want to make it obvious which was difficult when you had to maneuver a big wheel chair. "He's looking straight at you." Jackson activated movement and inched it around minutely, this was weird behaviour for even them and they'd checked out a lot of men together. He couldn't imagine who it might be; anyone he knew would come straight over.

Jackson got about a quarter of the way round and suddenly froze, he couldn't feel it but he knew there was a very real possibility that his heart had stopped, his breath was caught in his throat.

"Oh my god," he whispered.

To the side of the café, stood in the door way was Aaron Livesy.

He was frozen, just staring and Jackson felt light headed, if he wasn't already seated then he would have fallen down. Aaron continued to look at him. He couldn't think, couldn't react, he was like a rabbit caught in head lights and he didn't have a clue when his breathing would even out. He swallowed hard and for some reason this seemed to jolt Aaron into action, he went to move towards him and then stopped himself, freezing for a second and then took the step, Jackson felt it was the loudest sound he'd ever heard.

"Hi Jackson."

He was still the same, even with all his hair and his deep tan, he still had the same blue eyes, and beautiful pursed lips. For a moment Jackson thought he might start crying, "Hi," that was it, he couldn't manage any other words, next to him he was barely aware of Sarah.

"How are you?"

He looked back at Aaron, Aaron – Aaron was talking to him? But he was in Dubai how is this possibly? "I thought you we're in Dubai?"

Aaron stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, it was a motion that he'd seen a hundred times before, he shrugged, another familiar motion that helped to make this feel real, "came back for a visit. Over the last four years this was all Jackson had ever wanted, for them to talk but his head couldn't absorb the shock. "So how are you then Jackson?"

Jackson licked his lips, "good," he nodded jerkily, "and you?"

"Good."

They were both good, that had been firmly established, Jackson gave himself a mental head shake and suddenly became aware of himself, "sorry, this, this is my carer Sarah, and Sarah this is…," he paused not sure of the appropriate introduction, "this is my friend Aaron."

They gave each other a small smile.

Jackson and Aaron continued to stare at each other and then Aaron suddenly ducked his head awkwardly, "are you leaving soon?" Jackson didn't respond. "It's just that I was going to see if I could join you." Aaron wanted to join him? Four years of not hearing a word and suddenly he wanted to sit with him? Aaron was chewing on his bottom lip uncertainly and Jackson realised that with his slow answers he was coming across as brain damaged, he shook head again, "yes, please do,"

This strange alien formality was the only thing keeping Jackson together.

Aaron sat down on the sofa across, looking much calmer than Jackson felt, he glanced awkwardly at Sarah and then Jackson realised that this would be so much easier without an audience, "Sarah, why don't you go back to the house, I'll give you a call when I'm on my way."

"Sure," Jackson could tell that she didn't have a clue what was going on, "there's a pile of washing to get on with." They waited a moment until she left and just eyed each other; Aaron eventually broke the silence, "bet this is a shock huh?"

Jackson let out a massive shaky breath, he felt as if Aaron had just relived a massive pressure valve, "I never thought I'd see you again."

"Yeah," Aaron smiled, "I was thinking of going for that."

"So what's changed?" Jackson held his breath, scared of the answer, he immediately thought back to the message he sent Aaron only five days ago, was he back because of that? Surely that didn't make any sense; Aaron would just answer the message, not jump on a plane.

Aaron shrugged, "time changes the way you feel."

He felt a little shocked at Aaron's words, they seemed a little profound for the usual fairly monosyllabic man and he watched him duck, a little embarrassed by how poetic he sounded. Aaron was right though because time really does make a difference, "all I ever wanted was for you to be ok."

Aaron took a deep breath and sat up straighter, "You know what, let's not do this."

"No?"

"There's no need to go over everything."

He felt so unsure, all he wanted was to sit down and clear the air, that's why he'd sent the message in the first place, "ok, he began unsurely and looked around the room, he needed something to concentrate on and ground him, "so get me a coffee and tell me all about Dubai."

Once the topic had moved on Jackson found it easier to relax, even though he was still in shock, Aaron setting the boundaries of 'no speaking about the past' helped to loosen their tongues. And Jackson had to ask because it couldn't be avoided, "so," he started, the words paused on his tongue, they'd already discussed Aaron's job and the weather in Dubai, "I'm told you're seeing someone."

Aaron scratched his head for a second and wouldn't meet Jackson's gaze, "yeah, Dean."

He couldn't help the slight knot that formed in his throat but tried to ignore it, "what's he like."

"He's in PR."

Jackson couldn't stop his grin, "PR? That's a bit metrosexual for you isn't – I thought he'd be a taxi driver or a road layer!"

"Don't worry Jackson, he drinks beer from a can and swears during the football."

Aaron seemed a little uncomfortable talking about this but he noted the small smile on his face, this Dean guy, whoever he was, made Aaron happy and whilst that was all Jackson ever wanted to hear, it still felt a little like a slap to the face, "So how do you manage to be a gay couple in a country like Dubai – where it's illegal?"

Aaron shrugged, "The police don't go looking for it. It's only a problem if you're caught in the street."

"Really," Jackson wanted to keep this line of talking going, somehow speaking of politics made everything easier.

"Yeah, there are lots of things illegal over there, like unmarried hetrosexual couples are not allowed to live together even if they are just friends and you can't drink in your home without an alcohol licence. The police don't go around checking homes though as long as you don't give them a reason to look. The money that foreigners create is too valuable and it's rare for anyone to get into trouble."

"I see."

"Plus we have a two room apartment so it doesn't look suspicious."

For a moment Jackson had a strange out of body experience, he was sat with Aaron talking about his relationship with another man and he never thought this day would come. Despite how unnerving all this was Jackson knew he was happy for the younger man, he'd always hoped that Aaron would find contentment.

"How about you, you we're seeing someone weren't you?"

Yeah Jackson was seeing someone and it even lasted for two years, "Paul, we studied together." He couldn't be sure but Jackson thought Aaron looked like he didn't really want to hear this.

"It didn't work out?" Aaron wasn't really looking at him as he asked.

"We got to the point of either getting serious or breaking up – we broke up."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I'm not"

They sat there for another moment in silence, there was so much that he wanted to say, desperately wanting to laugh and joke, wanting to recapture the banter and fun that they could have together. Jackson wondered if a polite enquiry was all that was left between them; maybe there was too much pain.

"So you wrote a book."

Jackson blinked, "yeah, it did well."

"Good."

"Thank you… for giving me the go ahead, I'd never would have had it published if you weren't happy."

Aaron shifted suddenly uncomfortable, "I would never stand in your way.

And that was that, they'd done it. They'd sat together after four years and drank coffee, discussing careers, foreign weather and hearing about relationships, Jackson looked at Aaron and he glanced back, "It's really is good to see you again Aaron."

Aaron's eyes meet his and he swallowed, "you too."

"You look good."

"You too," they both paused; there wasn't much else to say, "I've missed you."

Jackson's breath caught again, "I've missed you too."

The café had gone quiet, it felt to Jackson as if the whole world had paused and the only thing that mattered was the two of them, "I better get going," Aaron half raised himself awkwardly and Jackson suddenly felt panicky.

"Did you get my message?"

Aaron froze, "message?"

"A few days ago, I sent you a face book request."

"No, I don't go on Facebook often."

"Oh right," of course he hadn't got the message, Jackson suddenly felt deflated.

"What did it say?"

"Nothing much, you'll see it at some point."

Aaron stood and looked down at Jackson, neither of them had the right words, "I better get going," Aaron repeated.

"Ok."

But Aaron still wasn't moving, he stayed where he stood as if he wanted to say something, unable to stop looking into Jackson's eyes, he then suddenly jerked towards the door. Once there Aaron paused and turned back to Jackson, "I'm here for a week; it would be good to see you again."

Jackson smiled and watched Aaron leave through the door, he turned to stare at the table top, "that would be nice."


	7. Chapter 7

"Who's that Leo?"

Aaron stood in Smithy Cottage's kitchen, smiling at the child before him, other than photos emailed he'd not seen the young boy in years. Leo had his arm curled around Rhona's waist, clinging to her tightly and using her as a shield, every now and again his tongue would protrude and a massive smile would split his lips, Aaron watched him fascinated.

When Aaron last saw his God Son he'd only just begun walking, Leo's Down Syndrome had meant that he was considerable behind other children his age and so at the age of three they'd all got excited when he'd finally taken a step. He'd started talking about six months before, the day he'd said 'Mum' was probably the best day of all their lives, Aaron had been at work when he'd suddenly got a text from Paddy. He'd left the garage to hear him do it again, not caring that Cain would freak but Leo wouldn't say a word, it was two weeks later when he finally did.

Rhona crouched down to be eye level with her son and repeated her question, this time using sign language to help. Leo's hearing suffered as a result of the Down syndrome and even though he was talking, a lot of his words we're barely pronounced.

"Hi Leo," Aaron used sign language with his greeting and Rhona smiled at him. "You haven't forgotten then?" He was relieved to realise he hadn't. They'd all leant it, Rhona, Paddy and Marlon and even himself, in fact half the village had made the effort, there was barely anyone unable to communicate with him, even if it was only to say hello.

"That's your brother Aaron, he'd been away for a long time."

A lump caught in Aaron's throat, it was true, he had been away for a long time and looking at Leo, Aaron realised how much regret he had, why had he left it so long – what had he been afraid of? "I'm sorry."

Rhona's head shot up and she smiled at him, "don't be, your back now and that's all that matters," she gave him a wink to emphasize. Over the years Rhona and Aaron had varied degrees of closeness in their relationship, and a lot of it revolved around her concern for Leo. When he first met her Aaron had been a teenager, it was around the time of his first suicide attempt, and she'd not exactly been impressed – that much he knew. When Jackson and he first started dating, he knew that she couldn't understand why Jackson put up with him, or Paddy for that matter. Aaron was bad tempered and sulky and rude and he'd said a few unpleasant words to her over the months and looking back he was embarrassed by his own behaviour. Jackson's accident had brought them closer and they lived in harmonious bliss for a while, particularly for Paddy's sake but not just because of him, it was also because he genuinely liked Rhona. All that was ruined after the second suicide attempt, he barely saw her or Leo for the first six months, she was a very protective mother and there were genuine fears that he might accidently harm the baby. Aaron had been placed in a psychiatric hospital and they only visited a couple of times, once he'd been discharged everyone was too wary to leave them alone together and it had taken months before Rhona relaxed.

Aaron grinned at Leo and put his arms out inviting him in for a hug, Leo's almond shaped eyes widened as he smiled and his tongue slipped out of his lips again, Aaron remembered him doing the same as a toddler.

Just before he'd left for Dubai, Rhona had again not trusted him with Leo. After Jackson broke up with him, Aaron had been kicked out and so moved back into Smithy Cottage. Daily he'd storm round to Jackson's and they'd argue and Aaron would beg to be taken back, but it didn't work and so slowly, he sunk into a depression, he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and kept crying all the time. A few times Rhona had come into the kitchen to find Aaron staring off in to space, barely aware of his surroundings and other times she'd take Leo out whilst Aaron cried to Paddy. Thinking about it now, he could realise how scary it must have been for everyone, especially with his past problems, it wasn't a surprise when she finally told him to move out. The day she'd asked was the last time he saw her in person because later that evening he was on a plane to Dubai.

Leo untangled himself from Rhona and moved cautiously forward, he stopped just before Aaron and then suddenly threw himself into the awaiting outstretched arms, Aaron groaned exaggeratedly and then picked the seven year old up, he was very small for his age. "God you've grown!"

"He has, we had to buy him a new football kit the other week, he'd grown out of his last." Paddy had sent the image of a proud Leo last month in one of his weekly emails, Paddy emailed every week with the daily going's on in Emmerdale. At first Aaron didn't responded, he'd let them know he was alive but beyond that he didn't want to hear anything about the place, slowly though, over the years, he'd developed regular contact with them all.

He looked at Rhona, and she smiled back, "you going to give me a hug as well then?" she didn't hesitate for long before wrapping her arms around him and Leo and squeezing tight. They stayed like that for a long time and when Rhona pulled back she had tears in her eyes which she tried to hide. "You ok?" he asked and Rhona turned her head away, "yeah," she blinked heavily to remove the tears, "It's just good to see you so well."

Aaron's life here was so unlike the one in Dubai, even his role within other people's lives differed greatly. In Dubai, people didn't have the impression of him as a vulnerable man with health issues. He could admit that he still had a bit of a temper, could still be a moody git and still avoided dealing with issues despite the shed load of psychotherapy he'd sat through. But his friends out there saw him as strong and independent and no one spent their days worrying about his mental state. In Emmerdale it was the complete opposite, for much of his years here Aaron had been the concern that kept everyone awake. He knew his whole family constantly fretted about his behaviour, even once he'd got better and he could only imagined what they'd gone through when he'd disappeared. Maybe partly this was why he'd never returned, he'd hated people looking at him in a certain way and treating him with kid gloves.

"I'm absolutely fine Rhona," he really emphasised the sentence.

"I can see that."

He hoped so, he really did.

Aaron gave Leo a squeeze and dropped him back to the floor, "Where's Paddy?"

"In the bathroom, he should be down soon, I'd tell him you we're here except he'd probably abandon his shower," Aaron watched Leo run back to Rhona and she gently stroked his cheek. "That's how excited Daddy Paddy is that Aaron's come back," Leo giggled and then climbed up onto the kitchen chair, on the table top, paper and pencils we're strewed, he'd been colouring before Aaron had turned up.

"hep ma!"

They both looked down as Leo repeated himself, "he wants you to help."

Aaron folded his arms and smiled down at the little boy, "do you now!" he waited a moment and looked at Rhona who was encouraging him to sit, Aaron immediately picked up a green pencil and Leo pointed to the part he wanted colouring. She cocked her head amused at the interaction and raised an eyebrow, "I'll get the kettle on then – I take you still drink coffee?"

"Yes thanks."

She turned to the cupboard and started pulling out the mugs, "So how did your Mum take your return?"

Aaron dropped the pencil and sat back in his chair, "she was a bit stunned at first -."

"- I bet she was."

"She got a bit emotional later." A bit was probably an understatement, last night, after Paddy had left his Mum had broken down in tears. Never one to be reserved, she'd clung to him and clutched his face and sobbed, it wasn't so much because she hadn't seen him, after all she'd been out to visit in Dubai, it was more that he'd finally come back. It was as if she saw it as a close of a chapter – maybe a sort of 'facing your demons' kind of thing. Aaron didn't know exactly and it made him feel uncomfortable, he'd finally got her to stop by getting her a glass of wine and pouring it down her neck.

"I bet she did, you're all she ever talks about – especially after she visited you."

He rolled his eyes and folded his arms, "she was a nightmare out there!"

"She came back telling everyone she fancied your boyfriend!" Aaron dropped his head suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable, he didn't respond and so Rhona turned back around to face him and gave him a questioning look, "Paddy said you and he are still together."

"Yeah we are."

"And everything's good? He paused for a split second and then licked across his lips, "everything's good."

"Good."

If Rhona had noticed any discomfort then she didn't comment about it, that was the great thing about her – she left the fussing to Paddy, his Mum and Adam. She seemed to realise that when a person was tight lipped it could be because sometimes things we're personal and not because a person's life was unravelling.

"So when are you seeing Adam?"

"Tomorrow."

Rhona put down the spoon she'd been using to stir the coffee and widened her eyes in shock, "it's going to be over twenty four hours before you meet up!"

"I know, he's working until late tonight, but he's got tomorrow off." Aaron was gutted but then he couldn't expect Adam to shirk responsibilities, it sounded like the farm was doing amazingly well and a lot of that were to do with Adam's hard work. "We're saving the big reunion for then – it will probably get messy."

Leo started pulling on his arm and Aaron looked down into the child's big eyes and pressed the end of his nose with his finger. "Do you think he remembers me?" Out of everything this is what he felt he'd missed out on the most, building a relationship with someone who he considered a brother.

"I'm sure he does," Aaron looked up to see Rhona smile at him and he suspected that she had noted his wistful tone and was just trying to humour him, he raised an eyebrow, "no seriously, he's really good at recalling events and people."

"Ok."

Above them they suddenly heard footsteps which signalled Paddy was out of the shower, on the landing he started singing tunelessly, Aaron winced his eyes in pain and Leo giggled, "something's never change huh!" Rhona laughed

Aaron reached out and ruffled Leo's hair, "something's never change."


	8. Chapter 8

"You ok?" Sarah stopped folding the washing and turned to look at Jackson who was marking his students work; he'd been back from the café a few hours and had been uncharacteristically quiet since. "Yeah fine," Jackson raised his eyes and flashed her a grin before resuming his task, she doubted he was really getting that far because usually Jackson gave lots of voice commands to the commuter, she'd barely heard any.

He'd come back earlier and gave a polite cheery reply to her enquiry about whether he'd enjoyed his coffee with Aaron and then preceded to concentrate on his work. She had desperately wanted to ask how it went but knew without a doubt that this was so much more important than a general gossip. Sarah of course knew who Aaron was, she'd never meet him and so it had taken a minute before she put two and two together.

She first came to know who Aaron was about a month into her employment. At the time Jackson was dating a man named Paul who was a little older; they been together almost two years and had apparently meet when they'd both attended a LGBT group at University. Paul was doing his Masters in Archaeology and Jackson was taking his degree in English. He was a confident man whom she'd noted had very serious opinions; she'd be at Dale Head, getting on with various chores and would hear Paul trying to engage Jackson into some kind of debate or another. Sarah would sometimes listen to Jackson bite and other times not, often teasing back instead just for fun. Paul had a fun side as well though; he was also very kind and clearly loved Jackson.

Immediately though she had been aware that there was something not quite right and she had felt not entirely welcome by Paul. Sometimes she'd walk into a room and sense they'd been discussing her and she'd wondered if she was under an unknown trial basis. It had turned out that Paul hadn't wanted her to be employed; he'd wanted to move into Dale Head with Jackson and felt it was unnecessary to hire another carer. A few weeks later the problem was resolved because Jackson broke up with Paul.

She'd sat with him the evening it happened and saw a new side to Jackson that she hadn't witnessed yet. So far she'd seen him as this exuberate man, full of life and humour who didn't let anything affect him and seemed in total control of his disability. That evening though he'd been quiet and distant and she'd explained what a good listener she was.

"I don't regret finishing with him."

"I thought you loved him?" she'd encouraged, not wanting to be nosy just to help if she could.

"I do."

"So why break up then?"

He'd paused and then looked out of the window, "because as much as I love him, it doesn't come close to what I've had before." She hadn't expected his words; she didn't know his reason but certainly hadn't considered it to be that. They we're obviously at the point of making a real commitment to one another and Paul's pushing had made him analyse their relationship. Jackson had swallowed hard and then continued, "and I know that in my condition the likely hood of me meeting someone is slim, but that doesn't mean I should settle for feeling anything less than I know I can."

She'd already figured he was a brave courageous man, but that day she'd realised just how strong Jackson was, "what about this other guy? What happened to him?"

Jackson had just shaken his head sadly and spoken quietly, "I won't put him through anymore."

That was the last he'd said on the subject and she'd been incredibly curious for days after, but there was a patient/carer line that needed to respected and she'd only been there a few weeks – far too soon to get over familiar. Her chance had come when Joe, Jackson's other carer had approached her. Joe was concerned about Jackson, she knew they we're close and their friendship ran deep and so she hadn't been completely surprised when he spoke to her, he'd wanted to know how Jackson had been.

"Fine," she'd replied feeling a little guilty, Jackson wasn't a child and so maybe they shouldn't be discussing him like this.

"Has he maybe mentioned to you that he regrets ending things?"

Jackson hadn't and even though still not himself, seemed comfortable with his decision, "no he hasn't and I don't think he does."

"Right, thanks." Joe had gone too leave, thoughtful at her words and she started mentally kicking herself for her curiosity.

"He said that 'he'd felt more for someone else and he didn't want to settle'." Joe had turned back towards her, with an unsurprised expression on his face, "I see."

And she should have just left it, but Sarah couldn't help but ask, "so who was he?" Joe had paused a second, wavering about whether he should continue, he'd then quickly jotted a note down before handing it over, she'd stopped, not understanding. Scrawled across was a title, 'A Person's Worth', just below he'd written 'Jackson Walsh' and she reread it a couple of times before looking up at Joe confused.

This was how she'd discovered that Jackson was a published author.

Of course she'd asked Jackson if it was ok to read the book and he'd graciously joked that, "seen as over five hundred thousand people had read it, it seemed unlikely that he would stop her." For three days she was absorbed in the content, laughing and crying and emotionally tangled, Sarah realised that she was familiar with the events. The papers had covered the train accident and the suicide attempt had been sensationalized afterwards, she even remembered the head line, it read: 'Disabled Man In Gay Suicide Pact'.

Afterwards they'd sat and they'd discussed it and whilst he answered some of her questions throughout them he wouldn't really meet her gaze. "So why did you end things with Aaron?" she'd asked and when he replied, Jackson had a look of such sadness that it made her want to cry, "He's been through enough already don't you think?"

She'd agreed with him a little but mostly she'd thought it was a terrible shame.

* * *

><p><strong>So I think I need to apologise about some of the errors within my fics. Sometimes I will reread past chapters and realise all the mistakes I made - I really hate that. Typically I've read through a chapter about five times before posting it and yet I still fail to notice ridiculous errors. The most recent one I discovered was Chapter 6, I wrote 'Don't worry Jackson, he drinks beer from a car' which was meant to be 'Don't worry Jackson, he drinks beer from a can'<strong>** – **_**who drinks beer from a car!**_

**Anyway I'm going to try to avoid silly things like that in the future and thank you everyone for graciously ignoring the flaws.**


	9. Chapter 9

"You sure you want to go on your own?"

Jackson looked at Sarah and smiled, since he'd got back from the cafe she'd been peppering him with innocent question, checking to say if he was ok – he didn't know what else to do to convince her.

"It's just a walk around the village," he looked down at his chair, "or at least my equivalent to a walk."

"Ok, but your phone is fully charged isn't it?" He'd rolled his eyes at her comment and exaggeratedly motioned his head towards his mobile attachment on the chair, clearly in the holder sat his phone with a fully charged icon beaming back. She smiled sheepishly, realising how daft she was being. Jackson winked at her and then headed towards the door, "Open," he'd commanded loud and clear and then the front door of Dale Head started to swing towards him.

"How long are you going to be?"

Jackson stopped and sighed, he spun his chair slightly, enabling him to meet her eyes. "Sure," Sarah replied, she lifted her hands in surrender, "however long you choose."

"That's right," if Jackson could have, he'd of saluted her.

Getting outside was a relief, Sarah's unnecessary concern was started to get suffocating and even though she hadn't come right out and quizzed him about Aaron, he knew that's what she was getting at. It was also a bit unfamiliar, Joe was usually the one who fussed constantly, Sarah was normally just around for the laughs, he couldn't handle it if she got all serious as well – it would feel like they were tag teaming him.

He carefully rolled himself down the garden path and onto the main road, not entirely sure where he was headed, there was a couple of easy trails that he could take; he'd done them before on his own with no problems. The truth was though that he didn't usually go very far without company, anything could happen along one of the country paths and so mostly when he wanted to be alone he'd just head to a corner of the village and look at the view. Weighing up his options Jackson decided to head towards the village hall, some of the loveliest scenery was around there, especially during mid-August. And even though he wasn't exactly going there for the view at least it meant he was doing something instead of aimlessly wondering around the village, he needed a good place to think.

Seeing Aaron earlier had really shocked him, out of everyone who could have walked through the cafe door, he would have put money on it being Aaron last. At first he'd thought that Aaron was going to leg it but to his amazed surprised he'd come straight over and asked to join him. Jackson hadn't had a clue what was going on – the only thing he could reason was that Aaron had at least realised that they would meet again and had no doubt been preparing himself. Jackson hadn't been prepared at all, for years he'd wanted them to be back in touch and to put the past behind them, more than anything he just wanted to be Aaron's friendship. But then again he and Aaron had never been friends, they'd met and dated and then everything happened between and before he'd ended it they'd been living together in Dale Head. Whilst he'd always said that Aaron was his best friend, their relationship had revolved around them being a couple and maybe it wasn't possible to separate the two.

He neared the village hall and kept close to the edge of the road, for some reason that day, traffic going through was unusually busy. Years ago, not long after he'd first had the accident; Jackson had almost been hit by a car speeding through. Whilst at the time he was sorry the driver had missed, his outlook had changed and he was now very careful when out and about.

"Akson!"

Jackson stopped at the sound, it was clearly a child calling out to him, he turned his chair just in time to see Aaron chasing after Leo and scoping him up in his arms. On the other side of the road was the village park and Leo had clearly been playing and then spotted him and started running.

"Akson!"

He smiled at the little boy, who he now considered family. Despite everything that happened between him and Aaron, Rhona and Paddy never stopped treating him like one of the family. He'd seen birthdays and Christmas', school plays and football games, he'd been there for every part of Leo's young life and he knew how much the child loved him in return.

On the other side of the road Aaron stood smiling awkwardly, he gently dropped Leo to the ground when he again called out and took his hand before heading over. He'd only spoken to Aaron a few hours earlier and whilst they had mentioned seeing each other again, Jackson couldn't believe that it was happening so soon.

"Hi again."

"Hi."

The silence was palpable and Jackson was relieved by Leo, whose innocence prevented his awareness of their uncomfortable mutual looks, instead he started climbing up on to Jackson laps, giggling as he did.

"Leo –. "

"It's fine, he does it all the time."

"Right."

Jackson looked at Aaron, he seemed suddenly saddened for some reason, "you remember when he was a toddler, him riding around the village on my lap?" Aaron scoffed a grin and stuffed his hands into his pockets, "of course I do, it was me who would put him there!"

The pair of them chuckled and paused a moment recalling the memory. "When I last saw him, it was a lot easier to keep him from running into the road –"

" - He wasn't so steady on his feet then."

"Nope."

Leo sat quietly, gently swinging his legs but stopping them just short of kicking Jackson, "you should see him playing football – he's a wiz on the pitch."

"So I'm told," Aaron replied, they both seemed committed to keeping the conversation on Leo, this felt easier, "he's got practice this week, I'm going to go down."

"An we go ta da swings?" Leo looked eagerly between the two men and Jackson glanced at Aaron unsurely.

"I think Jackson was going somewhere."

"Wer?" The young boy had said this with his bright beaming almond shaped eyes looking up and Jackson risked a glance at Aaron before replying. Jackson had to speak slowly when communicating with Leo, he couldn't perform sign language like the rest, "going for a walk." The child tugged lightly at Jackson's sleeve and pleaded with a massive cheeky grin, "com ta da swings."

"Erm."

"You're welcome if you want?"

Aaron was giving him an awkward lopsided smile as he said this and still had his hands in his pockets, Jackson had seen him stood like this a million times before and he couldn't help the grin that formed, "I'd love too."

And he really would.

They'd done this before, years ago when Leo was a toddler, still not walking and barely speaking, they used to collect him from Paddy and Rhona's after nursery and spend hours pushing him on the swings. It had always amazed Jackson how good Aaron was with children, in almost every other aspect of his life he was always so rough and tumble – so uncomfortable in his own skin and yet with Leo he was so relaxed. Sometimes he'd even wondered if they'd have a child of their own, at the times it certainly seemed possible.

Leo climbed up and Aaron immediately started to gently push, he glanced at Jackson out of the corner of his eye and Jackson steadily looked at the child, not sure whether he should meet Aaron's gaze. There was a long pause of silence between them as they listened to Leo giggle and squeal, "this is weird huh?" Jackson eventually asked.

"A bit."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No."

He took a deep breath and watched Aaron do the same, "so," the other man began, "what have you been up too since I saw you this morning?" It was a weird conversation opener considering there was a wealth of other material he could start with, but then maybe this is less personnel –less painful.

"Marking papers."

"For your students?"

"Yeah."

Aaron's face creased up confused and he turned to Jackson missing a push when Leo headed back towards him, "Haven't your students finished for the summer?"

"Summer Classes," for three months from June until the end of August the university opened for short courses and he'd happily agreed to run the creative writing one, they met every Monday for four hours and Jackson loved it. This was his first year doing it and he found the students with in the class to be different from his degree ones – less competitive, it was more about them doing it for the simple joy. A lot of them we're older and had been writing for years, it was mostly published on websites and many of it were fanfiction – stories written about existing characters from films and TV. He found that he admired how much they wanted to improve themselves and really laid bare within their writing, he could completely identify with them.

"You enjoying teaching?"

Jackson smiled, "I wished I'd done it years ago." They looked at each other and smiled and he could see how genuinely happy Aaron was for him, Aaron then suddenly frowned, "Do you remember in your first year at uni when your computer broke and you had an assignment in the next day?"

Jackson groaned loudly, he did, he'd foolishly not bothered with the task until last minute, "Yes!"

"And I stayed up all night typing your stupid essay as you dictated it to me!"

Jackson's face creased up and he started laughing loudly, "all five thousand words!" Aaron paused a moment deepening his frown.

"Oh come on it was funny, I got an A."

And then Aaron started laughing and Jackson joined him and they laughed so hard that Leo turned around to them confused. They continued for a second longer eventually both calming down and looked at each other. Aaron shifted and averted his gaze, "If I remember correctly you were meant to buy me a video game to make it up to me."

"I believe I was."

"- I never got the game."

"- you never got the game."

They both paused, smiling, embarrassed as they'd spoken at the same time and then neither of them said a word, all the time Aaron continued to push Leo.

Eventually Jackson spoke, "I'm glad we haven't forgotten how to have a laugh together."

"Me too."


	10. Chapter 10

"Here he is!"

Aaron entered through the Woolpack door to be greeted by half the Dingle clan seated at the bar, Belle was closest to him and suddenly held up a makeshift 'welcome home' banner that she'd clearly rushed herself.

"We said to ourselves that if the mountain won't come to the Mohammad that we'd better get ourselves to the mountain!"

Aaron laughed at Zak's words and clapped at the stupid banner, taking a quick glance around he noticed that everyone was looking at him. There were some familiar faces in the pub, Edna was in the corner with Jimmy King and Katy was also at the bar, he could see the matching surprised expressions on their faces.

"We thought as you couldn't be bothered to come and see us, we better come to you!" His uncle's comment was said in jest and Aaron took it in the spirit it was intended, "I've not even been back twenty four hours – give us a chance."

They all stopped for a moment, looked at each other fondly and then Zak jumped down from his stool to elope Aaron in a hug, "What's with all the hair?" Aaron ducked his head and reached up to absently smooth it down, embarrassed, he'd started wearing it slightly longer a few years ago to protect his head from sun burn. It wasn't even that long; it was just that everyone here was used to him with a grade two haircut. Zak then clutched Aaron's face, "and the beard – you trying to look like me now?"

Aaron didn't respond he just smiled at the teasing.

"Leave him alone Zak," Lisa said as she and Belle stood, behind them Cain stayed seated. "It's so good to see you love," she continued and Aaron wrapped his arms around her for a squeeze. "Dad's been sorting out the big Dingle reunion party," Belle said and she leant in for her hug.

Since he'd been away the only Dingle except his Mum that regularly contacted him was Belle, she would send him messages and pictures of Leo and tell him all about her latest boyfriend. She was Twenty years old now and studying at University, but Aaron wasn't entirely sure what subject.

Zak and Lisa weren't technically 'with it' enough to send an email but he did get a text every Christmas from Lisa. Cain on the other hand hadn't bothered once, he would never deliberately show he cared by doing something as sentimental as writing to him. Aaron suddenly felt guilty because he wasn't the best at responding– not just to Belle, his Mum, Paddy and Adam we're always sending him a message of some kind that he would put off responding to. He could tell that they were all so happy to see him now though and it filled him with regret, he really should have made more of an effort.

He nodded towards Cain, in return the man just looked at him and continued to chew on his gum, "You turned up at the right time Aaron – we all need another drink."

Aaron stuffed his hands into his pockets and cocked his head to the side, "nice to see you to, _uncle__._"

"It should have been a lot sooner -" Cain was eyeing him as he said this and Aaron was suddenly reminded of how direct his uncle could be. No one else had commented yet on the years he'd been away, in fact he suspected that his Mum, Paddy and Rhona were deliberately ignoring the conversation. He didn't know what to say, he couldn't excuse it and so there was probably no use trying.

"He's back now and that's all that matters," Zak ever the peace keeper jumped in and Aaron noted him shot Cain a look. Cain at least softened slightly and he stood up to retrieve his wallet, "what you having then kid, lager?"

"Err," this was always going to happen and Aaron steeled himself, "no thanks, I'll just have a coke."

"A coke!" Zak started, "you can't have a coke, this is your big welcome home party."

"It's four in the afternoon –."

"Since when has that made a difference?" asked Cain.

Everyone's eyes were on him and he wasn't sure how he was going to manage getting out of this one, all he knew was that there was no way he could drink alcohol, "Hay I live in Dubai now, remember it's more of an effort to get drunk over there." That was a lie of course because even though it was illegal to buy alcohol anywhere but places with licences (mainly hotel bars) people still managed to get drunk all the time.

"Even more reason to have a drink now –. "

Aaron was saved by the sound of his mother's loud clunky heels coming through from the pub back room, she immediately stopped and smiled at him, "hay love," she cocked her head to the rest of her family, "see told you he'd back soon."

"Yeah," Aaron drummed his fingers against the bar top, keen to keep to this topic, "just taken my god son to the park." Zak, Lisa and Belle grinned and Cain rolled his eyes, "He's big now isn't he," said Belle.

He had to agree but also thought that this was like the pot calling the kettle black because really out of everyone it was Belle who'd changed the most. Even though they'd emailed, other than images he'd not laid an eye on her – he couldn't believe how mature she looked, "yeah he is, his speech is amazing now."

"I've been teaching him to sing."

Aaron could imagine that, Belle had always made a lot of effort were Leo was concerned.

"Anyway, first things first" Zak rubbed his hands together, "what about that drink?"

"Really I'll just have a coke," Aaron should have realised that it wouldn't be easy to side step a subject as important to the Dingles as alcohol. Zak threw up his hands and turned to his Chas, "have a word."

"You not drinking love?"

"Just not right now."

She cocked her head slightly and placed her hands on her hips, "you wouldn't have a drink with me last night either."

Aaron rolled his eyes, "you offered me wine!"

"so…?"

"I hate wine!" This was getting a little out of hand now, what kind of family objects when one of them hasn't inherited the ancestral drinking problem? Aaron threw up his hands, "will someone just get me a coke."

"Go on then Chas pour him his drink – just don't forget the umbrella," Cain threw him a look and then pulled out a couple of quid, "I'll have a bag of crisps as well."

"Yeah, me an all," added Belle, and luckily for Aaron they we're all quickly occupied with figuring out who wanted what flavour and whether they should buy some nuts as well. That was everyone except his mother, who had immediately reached for a glass to pour his coke but kept looking at him as she did. She had that look on her face, the look she always used where he was concerned, he couldn't do much in return though except ignore her and engage the Dingles in conversation.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hello again."

Aaron stopped a few feet in front, he'd spotted Jackson and his carer – Sarah he thought her name was and headed over, slowing as he approached, he stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, "hello Jackson." He flashed Sarah a friendly nod and she smiled back, "you guys off somewhere?"

"Town", responded Jackson, "I need to get some a new shirt."

"Fun."

"Yeah, Sarah keeps spilling food down me which always seem to stain; I have to keep replacing them." Aaron looked between Sarah and Jackson and could tell by the sheepish grin on her face that Jackson wasn't exaggerating.

"This woman costs me a fortune."

"Hay," she threw up her hands, "I never claimed to be a domestic goddess."

Both Aaron and Jackson chuckled and when the sound died down they were left with silence, Aaron could only imagine how uncomfortable Sarah was feeling. "Come if you want?" Sarah quickly said and then froze; Aaron got the impression that she was a bit of a calamity and accidentally quite funny with it. Like now for instance with her invite – she'd clearly given it without any thought behind the words, Aaron wondered how much she knew about him.

She looked to Jackson trying to mask her apologetic look but luckily Jackson had always been a much cooler character; he turned his head a smiled at Aaron, "you are more than welcome."

"I can't –I'm going to see Adam."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Aaron nodded, "I've not seen him yet and he wants to show me around the farm."

"Careful – that's usually his chat up line!"

He couldn't help the smile that jumped to his lips – one thing that hadn't changed was Jackson wicked sense of humour, it had always been such a contrast to his own usual sullen personality traits. Aaron knew that they were as different as day and night and even though looking back it had been hard to explain, they'd worked extremely well.

"I'll remember that when he invites me into the barn," they laughed again and then Aaron shifted and bowed his head, "well I better be getting off."

"Sure," Jackson replied and then added, "say hi to Adam for me."

"Will do," he gave Sarah a small wave and she awkwardly returned the gesture.

"We should do it though!" Aaron had already moved past but stopped at Jackson's quick words, he turned back just as the other man was swinging his chair around to face him, Aaron raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"I mean we should go into town."

"Yeah?" He hadn't expected that but Aaron knew instantly he wasn't totally against the idea.

Jackson cocked his head and smiled, "I could take you into Redemption."

"Redemption?"

"That's what they renamed Bar West." Bar West – the only Gay Bar in town, the place where he'd first set eyes on Jackson and where it had all began, "considering how much you used to frequent it, it would be rude not to go."

Aaron pursed his lips together, considering the idea, it really appealed to him, "Yeah we should do it."

"Good."

"Good."

"Let me know when you're free."

"I will," Aaron nodded a bit exaggeratedly and then once again waved goodbye to Sarah. The woman was now stood glancing slyly between the two of them, completely indiscreet. He grinned and turned to carry on and even though as he walked away he could hear Jackson's chair on the gravel as he continued his own journey, he was convinced that Sarah stayed watching him.

He got confirmation a few seconds later when he heard Jackson call out, "you coming Sarah?"

Aaron couldn't help his smile, the women was clearly a nut.

* * *

><p>"You and him seem to be getting on ok," Sarah watched Jackson continue to steadily make his way towards his vehicle, not really reacting to her comment. He stayed silent for a moment and then eyed her, "no reason why we shouldn't be."<p>

Jackson hadn't said a word to her about Aaron, in fact he'd returned yesterday from their café meeting unusually quiet and preoccupied, a side that she rarely witnessed in him. Later he'd even gone out for a walk alone and Sarah was a bit concerned. The walk though had done Jackson a world of good, he'd been a couple of hours, and Sarah had had to admit that she was slightly worried; but coming back he'd been brighter and cheerier. Jackson had said that he'd been at the park, although she couldn't image what had been there to make him so happy.

"No I guess not," she reached into her pocket for her keys, Jackson owned a car with wheel chair access, there was a ramp at the back for him to climb up and her, Joe and Paddy had a key set. "I thought that maybe it was strained between you?" Sarah didn't know the full facts of them breaking up; all she knew was that Jackson ended it because he felt - in his words that he'd 'put Aaron through enough'.

Jackson had a small smile on his face the Sarah couldn't miss, "obviously not."

She opened the car boot and pressed the button to lower the ramp, "So you and he getting back together then?" Jackson's eyes widened at her forwardness and Sarah shrugged, she never was able to engage brain before opening her mouth.

"What? No!"

"He was the one who got away –. "

"He has a boyfriend!"

'Who isn't here', Sarah thought but instead said, "That didn't seem to bother you just now when you asked him out for a date."

" – it's not a date!"

She smiled at him; she had never seen Jackson get riled about anything, except the mention of Aaron. Even when he broke up with Paul, she knew it was more about Aaron than him. The ramp reached the floor and they stayed silent as the safety click sounded indicating the ramp was secure.

"Me and Aaron are just friends and that's all I want."

She'd heard children tell more convincing lies.


	12. Chapter 12

Aaron stood in the forecourt of Butler's Farm taking in the sight before him, it had changed significantly. There were far more buildings than when he'd been last here and a large portion of the area had been cemented over to create a decent loading and car parking area.

"So what do you think?"

"This is amazing."

"I know," Adam took Aaron's arm and pulled him to the side, avoiding a passing pallet truck. Stationed near to a large building stood a truck from 'Kings Haulage', the doors were open and he could see someone loading up the back. Adam nodded towards the vehicle, "Jimmy's here to pick up the fresh fruit delivery."

"Fresh fruit?"

"Yeah," Adam had a proud grin on his face, "The meat side was doing so well that we decided to branch out a few years ago, "We bought a couple of acres from the neighbouring farmer and set up there."

"How many people do you employ now?"

"Nearly a hundred."

Aaron let out a breath; he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Before he'd left the farm had been doing well but they'd had a shaky start and a difficult couple of years before hand and things were only just turning around. At the time they'd had around twenty employees with Adam, Andy and John running it together and yet also taking on the brunt of the work, now they had a hundred employees and that was truly astounding.

Adam chuckled, "What's crazier is that my Dad actually trusts me to make decisions."

Aaron was chuffed for Adam - he really was, he remembered how Adam used to constantly gripe about his lack of official responsibility within the business that he had essentially helped to build up. It had taken John many years but he'd finally rewarded Adam with a percentage of the company. Adam had emailed Aaron the day that happened and Aaron had responded about three weeks later, he now felt terrible because there was no excuse for being such a bad friend. He approached Adam and bumped his shoulder, "you did good mate."

"I know."

They stopped like this for a moment surveying the busy production going on in front of them and then Adam spoke, "so," he rubbed his hands together in glee, "it is my day off, and you Aaron Livesy can have me all to yourself."

Aaron grinned, "Just don't take me into any of the barns."

Adam didn't get the joke.

* * *

><p>"Beer?" Adam watched Aaron drop down into one of the seats in the kitchen, he was looking around absently and Adam wasn't sure he'd heard him, "Aaron?"<p>

"You guys must be making loads of money."

Adam wasn't sure were the other guy was going with this, "yeah, a fair bit."

"It's just that other than decorating, this place doesn't look any different, your folks could have got a bigger place."

"Mum likes how cosy the house it," Adam leaned against the fridge door, "and my Dads just a simple country man – he's never been into extravagance." Wealth would never go to his Dad's head and any attempt from Adam to live the high life was always meet with disapproval from his parents, his only vulgar display was when he'd bought a BMW and even that was fairly tame. "Mum would hate living in a big house especially with Holly and Hannah no longer here."

"How are they both?"

"Holly's great, she's still managing this place and Hannah's fat."

"Fat?"

"Pregnant," both his sisters were now happily married with children of their own, it had almost been him as well, six months ago he'd been all set to settle down with a girl but she'd ended up cheating on him. Adam was willing to give her another chance but she turned into a monster after that and he was relieved to realise what he was about to marry. "So anyway, beer?" he reached into the fridge to pull out a can but was stopped in his tracks by Aaron, "no I'm fine mate."

Adam cocked his brow, "no?" This is what Adam had thought the two of them would be doing today, sitting around, catching up and reminiscing about old times whilst drinking the contents of a twenty four pack of beer.

Aaron held up his hands, "I drank too much last night during the Dingle reunion party, need to give my liver a chance."

He knew what the Dingles were like when it came to drinking, their parties were always legendry for being wild and getting a little out of control, Aaron's mother in particular could be crazy. She came out with him and the boys a few times and each time they would end up having to drag her home after the club had closed.

"Alright then, tea?"

"Thanks."

Adam started filling the kettle, it had been so long since the since the two of them had sat together. Since Aaron leaving, Adam had never been able to replace his best mate, they two of them had gone through too much together, Adam even saw his friend as more than that – he was like family. He glanced over and noted Aaron's deep tan and facial hair, he seemed so much more mature now and even comfortable in his own skin. He'd never really seen him like this; Adam had spent most of their relationship watching over his more vulnerable friend.

Aaron had had problems pretty much since Adam had met him; he struggled with serious abandonment issues and in the beginning couldn't cope with his sexuality. All this had been pretty hard to see but that paled to what came next, it was Jackson's accident and the resulting events that really underlined how much Aaron needed help and in the end he was sectioned following a failed suicide attempt. During this time Adam used to try to see his friend once a week. These visits were always varied events, sometimes Aaron couldn't be coaxed out of his room and other times he was so happy for the company, throughout though Aaron rarely made much sense.

One visit in particular always stuck in Adam's mind, it had been a few weeks after he'd been admitted and they hadn't been able to get his medication correct yet. The visit had started well, they'd sat and watched TV together and had even shared the chocolates that Adam had brought, which had been a relief because previously he'd refused to eat anything. At the time Jackson was in a rehabilitation hospital but he'd came up from London to visit him for the first time a few days previously and Aaron was explaining that they'd had a great day. It had been going well and Adam was relieved to see his friend so much calmer but then Aaron had suddenly started to get confused, he started talking about Jackson in the past tense and then got upset because Jackson had died. Adam had sat there holding Aaron's arms and trying to get him to concentrate as he explained that Jackson was still alive but the other man couldn't comprehend what was being said. The next time he'd visited, Aaron couldn't recall the conversation.

Looking at Aaron now he couldn't see a trace of that man. Aaron had been on medication for about two years altogether before he came off it completely, the doctors had never given him a complete diagnosis and they believed it was mostly caused by the stress of trying to help Jackson end his life. That following year had been an amazing time for his friend; he pushed himself at work, managing to get a great job at a car dealership in Hotten. Everyone was surprised because Aaron had never tried for anything before; even becoming a mechanic was forced upon him by his family. There was a real sense that what had happened was a wakeup call for he and Jackson, and everyone thought that the future was bright.

Adam plonked the tea's down and took the opposite chair; Aaron winked at him and smiled as he took a sip.

For over twelve months everything had been perfect, Hazel had taken off again on her travels, relieved to realise that her son and Aaron would be ok. Jackson had started his degree and achieved a real sense of independence that he'd feared he'd lost and Aaron had never been happier. That was it, everyone thought that things were set and it had been a shock when it had all started to unravel. Out of the blue Aaron had been head hunted buy a British guy who sold imported Mercedes-Benz in Dubai; he was looking for a good mechanic. And that was that because then Jackson had finished with him because he didn't want to stand in his way and Aaron's world had crumbled, the last time he saw Aaron and had been the most terrifying day of his life - it was also the day he'd left the country.

"So come on then, tell me about work."

Aaron grinned and took another sip of his tea, "I was promoted a couple of months ago."

"So I heard – not from you of course, I had to be told from your mother."

"Sorry," Aaron scrunched up his eyes apologetically and Adam did consider having ago at him for his terrible effort of keeping in touch. There wasn't much point though because Aaron was Aaron and he guessed it could have been so much worse. One day Chas had given him an email address and encouraged Adam to contact him. It had been a couple of months after he'd left and she'd only just managed to convince Aaron to have a phone call with her. Chas couldn't promise that he'd respond to the email but she did want her son to know how much everyone cared for him, Aaron had responded, just to say hi and slowly they'd built it up to almost regular contact.

"Do you think you'll get to be the big boss one day?"

He could see in Aaron's eyes how he quite liked the idea but Aaron just shrugged, "maybe, if I work hard enough."

"And Dean – how is he?" Last year Chastity had gone out to visit Aaron and she'd come back gushing about this secret boyfriend that he had. Apparently they'd already been together for twelve months and were even living together; Chas had taken loads of images of him whilst she was out there and then showed them to everyone. Even, and this was quite indiscreet, to Jackson. It had been the news that everyone was hoping for, because despite the phone calls and emails no one had the confidence that Aaron was definitely ok – even after all that time.

"Dean's good."

From the images Adam could remember that Dean was an attractive man who looked to be in his thirty's. He was tanned with black hair and in all the pictures it would be gelled up at the front. There was one in particular that showed him dressed in a crisp suit and Chas had explained that he was on his way to work. The suit looked designer and you could tell that this Dean definitely cared about his appearance; it was a strange contrast to Aaron, who had never bothered with how he looked.

"He's away on a business trip at the moment in New York."

"Wow, what does he do again?"

"He works for an international PR company; he's based in the Middle East most of the time but does travel every now and again."

Aaron was saying this really blasé as if it was completely normal that he should be a part of such an exciting world – or maybe he just wasn't that impressed by it all. Adam's eyes swiped over his friend and realised that other than the tan there was nothing flashing about Aaron, he wore a simple T-shirt over jeans and a pair of trainers.

"You haven't changed have you" Adam said this fondly and Aaron arched an eyebrow confused by this sudden change of conversation, he sat up a little straighter, "I think I have."

"Not in any way that matters."

Aaron frowned at him, "if you start getting all gushy on me, I'm leaving."

"Fine no gush!" Adam raised his arms in surrender and then picked up his tea again but he couldn't help himself, "you love him though right?" he knew instantly that he'd get a look from Aaron on that one because his friend had never been comfortable with opening up about his feelings. He didn't have to speak though because the embarrassed shift in his eyes communicated everything that Adam needed to hear, "Good, I'm glad you're happy."

Aaron didn't say a word.

They continued talking into the afternoon, drinking cup after cup of tea, at one point John and Moira popped in and sat with them and they all caught up. Adam could see how equally happy they were to see how well Aaron was doing. When Aaron became ill it was no secret in the village, they'd all witnessed the ambulances carrying him and Jackson to the hospital after the failed suicide attempt and Aaron's long absence from the village was keenly felt. No one knew the full details of what had happened though and even Adam, who'd witnessed most of it, hadn't been there when Aaron had turned up at the hospital in London for Jackson. All that changed once the book had been written, it had been fairly shocking and detailed as Jackson described his terror at Aaron turning up covered in his own blood and prepared once again to help end Jackson's life. There had been arguments over the content with Paddy and Chastity not happy to let him publish these extracts but Jackson had explained how vital this was in his decision to give life ago. Jackson had said that he would never add it if Aaron wasn't happy and that was how Adam ended up emailing over a copy, everyone was surprised when he gave his Ok.

Once the book was published, the whole village read a copy and it was a source of real discussion and Chastity and Cain had gone on the defensive and had a go at anyone who mentioned Aaron's name. Mostly everyone was shocked at what they'd been through together and there was a lot of whispering about how bad they felt for Aaron. Adam was just pleased that he wasn't around at the time because he wasn't sure his friend could handle the attention, especially from some of the older residents who couldn't be relied on to be discreet.

There was one moment as they sat together talking that afternoon when Adam thought his parents were going to mention a detail of the book and despite Aaron authorizing the content; he couldn't imagine he'd be happy to have a casual chat about it. Luckily his parents hadn't been heading in that direction and Adam was relieved – he should have given them more credit.

"So," begun Adam once his parents had left them again, it was getting to be the evening and they discussed ordering a take away and seeing if Adam could still kick Aaron's arse at Xbox, "have you seen Jackson yet?" He'd dodged asking this question all afternoon but he wasn't one to pussyfoot around Aaron and it couldn't be avoided forever.

"Yeah I had a coffee with him yesterday."

Adam's eyes widened in shock, "You did?" a big part of him had expected Aaron to shot him down; he didn't think that his friend would be so calm now.

"Yeah."

"And how was it?"

Aaron shifted and averted his gaze, "weird but I guess that's to be expected."

"And you're Ok?"

"Fine," he paused as Adam raised an eyebrow, "honestly we're fine, he's even going to take me to Bar West for old time's sake."

"Really?", so that was it? Four years of not returning, barely having anything to do with his friends and family and refusing to even hear Jackson's name - all forgotten just like that? "Water under the bridge huh?"

"It's in the past."

Anyone who didn't know Aaron would have taken his words at face value, his expression was so earnest. Adam knew his friend though and knew when something didn't fit, he looked closer and when Aaron dropped his face for a second he didn't miss the small smile at the corner of his mouth, Adam suddenly felt cold.

"Aaron what are you doing back here?"

His friend scrunched his face up and Adam stared at him, "what are you doing back?" he repeated

"I told you, visiting." Yeah that's exactly what Aaron had said yesterday when he'd suddenly called to say he was home.

"Why now?"

"What?" Aaron shifted

"What's changed?"

"Nothing!"

They stopped for a second at an impasse and Adam could see the fight of flight instinct cross Aaron's face, he'd seen it so many times before, "Jackson messaged you less than a week ago."

Aaron swallowed hard.

"Did you know that?"

"No."

"Did you come back because of his message?

"No," Aaron sounded like he was pleading with him now and Adam didn't like what it was telling him, he leaned forward in his chair, "You came back because of the message didn't you?" It didn't matter what Aaron said because he already knew the answer to that, Aaron in response didn't say a word.

"Aaron what is going on?"

Suddenly they both jumped as Aaron's phone started to ring; he pulled it from his pocket and read the screen, glancing at Adam.

"Who is it?"

Aaron turned the phone around and he immediately saw Dean's image flash up on the screen as it rang. He watched Aaron pause and saw the guilt in his eyes.

"Are you going to answer it?"


	13. Chapter 13

Adam peered out the kitchen window, watching his friend as he stood talking on the phone, he'd been out there for almost half an hour and Adam was trying to read what was going on.

Adam didn't have a clue, all he was certain of was that Aaron's return had been prompted by Jackson's message and he was trying to get it out of Aaron just as Dean called. What about Dean though? What was going on? Earlier Aaron had given him the impression that the two of them were very happy and yet here he is, back in Emmerdale after a simple email. Were the two of them in trouble? Is that what's made Aaron come back? He kept to one spot during their phone call and Adam could see the small smiles that jumped to his lips throughout, Aaron didn't say much but it certainly didn't like the conversation between a couple in trouble. He continued to watch, not wanting his friend to run off and so far he hadn't, but he almost certainly expected him to once the call was finished – Adam was poised to stop him.

Adam then watched Aaron wind down the call and he could clearly lip read through the kitchen window that he'd told Dean 'I love you'. Once finished, Aaron paused and stared at nothing for a moment before starting to head off, Adam wasn't having this.

"You're not going anywhere!" he legged it out onto the court yard and grabbed at Aaron's arm to turn him around, immediately he was aware that something wasn't quite right, Aaron's eyes couldn't focus and he squeezed them shut.

"You ok?"

"Yeah!" but his eyes were still closed and he looked as though he was falling sideways, Aaron bent slightly and quickly clung to Adam's arms, Adam grabbed him back, "You're alright, I've got you," he said reassuringly. They stayed like this for a moment until Aaron was finally able to straighten up, he looked pale but opened his eyes and then let go of Adam but Adam still held him closely, "are you ok?"

"Yeah," Aaron shook his head to clear it, "you made me lose my balance there."

Lose his balance? This was a lot more than that, "has this happened before?"

"No."

He didn't believe him; he didn't believe a word Aaron said at the moment, "get inside now." Adam started moving towards the house still supporting Aaron's arms. Aaron struggled, "I can get there on my own!" But Adam wasn't having any of it, especially as his friend still looked pale, he didn't let go until Aaron was firmly sat down.

"What's going on?" he sat across from Aaron and studied his face, colour was returning.

"I lost my balance."

"Really?"

"Yes!."

"Are you ill?"

Aaron's eyes widened in irritation, "no."

"Promise me." The idea that anything could be wrong with Aaron was more upsetting to Adam than anyone could realise, he'd seen he's friend through so many problems before and him having a medical condition was the last thing he deserved.

"I promise." Adam remained staring at him and something in his expression caused Aaron to soften, he lost the irritation in his voice, "people lose their balance and if this wasn't me, you wouldn't have reacted like that. You need to accept that…," he paused a minute and licked his lips, "in fact you all need to accept I'm doing good, really good and you can all stop worrying."

Adam wanted to, he really did, but after what he'd seen in the past, he found it difficult. "Ok," he responded and then blinked quickly trying to avert the tears that he knew wanted to fall. He waited until the coast was clear and then had to laugh at the concerned expression that Aaron was giving him, it was an unheard event when Aaron was the one offering support.

He swallowed hard, "Ok, I believe you," he took a couple of big breaths, "but what's going on with Jackson?" Aaron sat back and wouldn't meet his gaze, "you came back because of his message, didn't you."

There was an extended silence and then Aaron nodded, it was barely detectable.

"Why?"

Aaron shrugged.

Adam couldn't understand what was going on, Aaron clearly loved Dean. The phone call had told him that and even though he hadn't heard the words he could clearly see Aaron's expression throughout and that wasn't the look of someone who was unhappy.

"Would you have come back if he'd not emailed you?"

"Possibly not."

This didn't make sense, "why now? Jackson's contacted you before," Adam knew he'd emailed Aaron years ago but his messaged was ignored. "And what about when I sent you Jackson's manuscript? That would have been the perfect time."

Again Aaron shrugged, "I don't know."

* * *

><p>"Pint please Chas," Cain reached into his pocket and threw a twenty pound note onto the bar top, Chas smiled at him and then immediately reached for a glass, "Where's Aaron? Thought I'd buy him a pint."<p>

Cain watched his sister smile and he rolled his eyes, they always caused a fuss whenever he looked to be doing something nice, it was as if they all knew that underneath he cared.

"Aaron's gone up to see Adam; I'm not sure when he'll be back," she finished pouring the pint and then set it down in front of him, "three twenty, ta."

He raised his glass at her and then took a long sip, once he'd lowered his beer he contemplated what to say next, he'd come in for a reason. This wasn't really his style though, going around having secret chats, sharing concerns and discussing people but for some reason he'd always made an exception we're his nephew was concerned. He watched Chastity serve Alan Turner aware that they were having a brief chat about how nice it was that Aaron was back, he'd had to endure a few of them himself.

Once she'd re-joined him he briefly nodded towards Turner, "Asking questions was he?"

Chas shook her head, "No you know Turner, he's not into gossip, I've had Betty questioning me though."

"I bet."

"Surprised no one's tried to talk to Aaron about the book."

"Maybe they have."

She cocked her head, "maybe – but he knew that might happen when he said yes to getting it published," she paused a minute, "I thought that was maybe part of the reason he'd stayed away."

"Obviously not." He paused a minute before broaching the reason he'd came in, this was the same reason that they all _knew_ he actually had stayed away for, "he's Ok around Jackson though and at least that's something."

She squinted and looked at him, "as far as I know they've not seen each other."

"Right," he cleared his throat, how did Chastity Dingle not know this, Cain was surprised that she didn't have him on twenty four hour surveillance since he'd arrived in the village. "Debbie saw them together at the park with Leo yesterday and they were having a chat this afternoon outside my place."

Cain watched his sister close her eyes, clearly upset and worried, he didn't understand though – surly this was a good thing? It meant that Aaron had moved on. They all knew about his boyfriend and great life he had in Dubai, Chastity had made sure of that when she'd returned from her trip. Didn't Aaron talking to Jackson show he'd accepted what had happened and shown how far he'd come?

"Chas this is a good thing."

She licked her lips, "not if the reason Aaron's come back is because Jackson emailed him last week."

Cain sat up straighter, "Did he?"

"Yep."

"Has Aaron told you this?"

She shook her head, "No, I havn't came straight out and asked him, but I know Jackson did," she paused and bite her lip for a second, "I'm not sure I can handle it if Aaron's come back for him."


	14. Chapter 14

Chastity Dingle's head shot up the minute she heard her son's footsteps on the staircase, she'd been quietly waiting all morning for him to rise from his bed and time was running out. Two years ago she brought the other half of the woolpack off Diane and whilst she loved completely owning the business, it also came with its down sides. This morning for example when she had a million things to do like wait for the delivery and go over the stock from the weekend and this, when all she really wanted to do was talk to her son.

At eleven the pub doors open and so at half ten, she'd resided herself to the fact that she needed to get everything ready and there simply wouldn't be time for the chat with Aaron. She was relieved though, when she suddenly heard him, now was the time to discuss her fears. She'd spent the previous night laying awake, worrying about her son and replaying everything that he and Jackson had been through together, by four in the morning, when sleep still hadn't reached her, she'd made a decision - she couldn't let a reunion happen.

"Morning love."

"Morning." Aaron barely spared her a glance when he entered the room and it made Chastity smile, he'd never been one for polite pleasantries and it reminded her of when he was a teenager. She watched him drop onto the sofa and begin to pull on his shoes. "You going somewhere?" she said alarmed, her questions were too important to wait until he returned.

"Paddy's."

"Yeah?"

"He text earlier, it's his day off and he's asked me if I fancy a cooked breakfast on him."

"he's buying?"

"No he's making."

Chastity smiled for a moment, distracted by how happy she was that Paddy had remained in her son's life, she knew that they would always be close and she was so thankful to him. Paddy had an unreserved pool of strength and a lesser person would have given up a long time ago on Aaron as over the years he has caused one sleepless night after another. He tortured Paddy in the beginning, when she and he got together and then caused chaos whilst living with him, eventually going on to beat him up when Paddy discovered he was gay. This was hard enough but then the following suicide attempt, seeing him through Jackson's accident and then the second suicide attempt almost took it out of Paddy.

One event in particular startled Chastity, it made her realise that Paddy was just has emotionally fallible as she was where her son was concerned, before then he'd always held her up. It was a few weeks after Aaron had been sectioned and he still wasn't completely calm enough to hold a conversation. Paddy had gone to see Aaron alone and when he returned she and Rhona were having a cup of tea and waiting for Paddy's assessment, it was a routine they'd fallen into when one of them went for a visit. He couldn't speak though, and it wasn't because anything had happened and the visit had gone relatively well considering how ill Aaron was, it was purely because it all suddenly hit Paddy. He cried that afternoon for ages and it made Chastity understand that she needed to rely less on his strength and more on her own.

"Well that will be nice for you both," Chastity said, feeling a little panicky now, Aaron had got up and she couldn't avoid this conversation for much longer. She stood next to the sofa, sort of hoping from foot to foot and Aaron gave her a strange smile before straightening the leg material on his jean. He'd stopped wearing tracksuit trousers tucked into worker boots years ago, Chas assumed Dean was responsible for that, and she was extremely grateful.

She'd first heard of Dean during her visit to Dubai last year when Aaron was collecting her from the airport to take her to his apartment. He'd been a little uneasy in the car and she'd thought it was due to her getting very emotional at the airport, also, maybe because of the awful events that had preceded Aaron's departure.

During the drive he had sort of cleared his throat and glanced sideways and then steadily said, "Oh by the way I don't live alone." She hadn't initially thought anything of it, other than to wonder why he'd never mentioned a flatmate "Ok,

"He's alright though." She'd just smiled at him and then stopped when she saw the deep steadying breath that Aaron took, "Aaron, when you say living with someone – do you mean as in _living_ with someone?"

He didn't say a word and his silence was all the confirmation she needed, "When did this happen!"

"A while ago."

"And you live together?"

Aaron had shrugged, "It's his place, I moved in a few months ago."

"Does he have a name?"

"Dean."

And the introduction had come the minute she'd walked through the door, Dean had laid out a fantastic lunch, fetched a beer and told her to make herself at home. The whole thing was a little overwhelming, and she'd accidently stuttered that she'd had no idea he even existed. Dean had flashed Aaron a look and she realised that he'd probably known this and had found out only recently, Aaron just stood to the side embarrassed.

Dean had been lovely – fantastic even. He was cool, friendly and confident and clearly adored her son. He couldn't do enough whilst she was there, and when not working the pair would take her all over the place. Dean had a fantastic career and judging by the apartment they lived in, was on a lot of money. The last night of her visit, the three of them had gone to the most expensive restaurant she'd ever set foot in, she'd worn a full length dress and the boys had worn suits. Just before they'd set out, she remembered catching Aaron and Dean in a private moment, Dean was straightening Aaron's tie as he grumbled about having to wear a suit. He had kissed the tip of Aaron's nose and told him to 'pack it in because we are doing something nice for your mother', he'd grinned in response and Chas had felt like crying because this was all she'd ever wanted for her son.

"See ya then," Aaron said whilst checking his pockets presumably to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything.

"Aaron wait."

She needed to speak to him now; to hear the clarification that Aaron isn't back because Jackson sent him a message, wanted the words spelt out that he hasn't returned to undo everything that he has with Dean.

Aaron raised an eyebrow questioningly and when Chas still hadn't said a word, looked at her impatiently.

She bottled it, "how was Adam yesterday?"

"Good."

"What did you do?"

She watched Aaron shift uncomfortably, "Not a lot, drank beer and sat around catching up, why?"

"No reason."

He'd gave her a weird look, waited for her to continue and when she didn't just shook his head, amused "bye then."

"Bye."

She'd imagined that conversation differently. She'd imagined sitting him down and chatting to him before getting confirmation that Aaron absolutely never read Jackson's message and that his return was pure coincidence. He was then meant to look her in the eyes and tell her how happy he was with Dean and that the reason he wasn't here was truly because of work commitments, and that he'd never loved anyone as much.

That conversation was going to have to wait.


	15. Chapter 15

Paddy quickly stirred the contents of the mug and then pressed it into Aaron's waiting hands, "finally!" Paddy said exaggeratedly and Aaron just took a sip of his coffee to hide his smile. "When I said come for breakfast I meant during breakfast time, not eleven in the morning!" He looked at Aaron who continued to stay silent and then huffed again, "who has breakfast at this time?"

Aaron shrugged, "I believe it's called Brunch."

This did cause Paddy to raise an eyebrow, he wasn't used to a continental Aaron, "where'd you pick that up?" Aaron immediately looked uncomfortable and his smile slipped slightly from his lips, "Dean."

"Dean?"

"Dean likes to brunch on a Sunday," his response was said so seriously that Paddy wanted to laugh out loud, he couldn't stop the low chuckle and it made Aaron's face split into a grin, "I know, it's ridiculous. But it means that I get to sleep in, so I don't complain."

Paddy liked this, he liked the way that Aaron kept dropping 'Dean' references into the conversation, he wasn't sure if Aaron was even aware that he was doing it, but it spoke volumes about their relationship.

So far he'd learnt about the car that Dean drove, that they didn't have a pet because Dean was allergic to fur and that he was thirty four years old. That last one had been a bit of a surprise to Paddy; Aaron was only twenty six which meant there was an eight year age gap, not that this was a lot, as you get older age doesn't really matter anyway. The thing that really shocked Paddy though, was that this Dean was clearly an adult, whereas he had never seen Aaron as one. He saw him as someone who needed taking care of and someone who struggled to handle life.

Maybe he was being a little unfair; after all there have been points where Aaron was coping and doing so extremely well. After Jackson's accident he had completely stepped up to take care of his boyfriend and then after Aaron was released from the psychiatric hospital he went through another period of thriving. He got an amazing job, took over when Hazel left and loved Jackson unconditionally. This was all undone though when Aaron got offered this Job in Dubai and all the hard work he'd gone through seemed to unravel overnight. Maybe this is why Paddy struggled to reconcile Aaron as the stable, mature man he must be, maybe, because the last time he'd seen Aaron he'd been anything but that.

"Well," responded Paddy, "It's just lucky that you're familiar with the term 'brunch' because that's exactly what we will be having." He turned to his cupboards and started reaching for his frying pan and all the other various equipment he required, Aaron leant against the kitchen counter and continued to sip on his tea, watching Paddy as he set about chopping up some mushrooms.

"Oh," Paddy suddenly called out, "guess what I got." He reached into the fridge and pulled out something dark, wrapped in cling film. Aaron's eye immediately widened, "Is that black pudding?"

"Yep!" He grabbed it from Paddy's hand and unwrapped it to examine the content, "it is impossible to get this in Dubai."

"I know," Aaron loved black pudding, which had surprised Paddy, because he'd always been one of those kids who's never ate anything but straight forward food – frozen pizzas and curry from a tin. It had been years ago, on a rare occasion when Paddy had cooked some up, that he'd realised. Aaron had come into the kitchen stolen it from Paddy's plate and made a vague reference about his Dad always cooking it, it was one of the few time he'd ever mentioned his father.

Aaron grinned at Paddy and returned the food to him, "I've tried really hard to find this, but as most people there are Muslim, there's not much variation."

"You get sausages though?"

"Yeah."

Paddy grinned, Aaron seemed so settled in his life in Dubai, something that none of them had imagined. When he's first ran off, he and Chastity had been ready to jump on a plane and drag him home, the only thing stopping them was that they had no idea where he could be. The police in Dubai had tracked him down but wouldn't give them his address at Aaron's request and as he was an adult they saw no reason to force him to return. Before he'd left, Paddy and Chastity were trying to convince Aaron to have another psychiatric assessment, but the police out there did not have any concerns that he was any danger to himself or anyone else. This had been a relief to the pair who had seriously thought Aaron might need hospitalisation again.

They'd thought this because after Jackson had ended their relationship, Aaron had seriously fallen apart and his behaviour again had turned more and more erratic, similar to before. The last time Paddy had seen Aaron had been horrendous; he'd been locked in a room with a knife, screaming that he was going to kill himself. A bigger shock had come only a couple of days later when Aaron had left a message on Chastity's phone, telling her that he was fine and even mostly sounding it. It had taken months before he was actually willing to tell them that on the phone in person.

"Well Aaron Livesy, today you are getting an absolutely, one hundred percept full English breakfast," he grabbed one of the frying pans and placed it on the cooker, "plus, Rhona never lets me eat this stuff and you're my get out clause!" he grinned to himself and waited for a reply from Aaron, when one never materialised, he glanced in his direction.

What he hadn't expected was to find Aaron looking a white as a sheet, holding an arm to his stomach and another to his mouth, "Aaron?" the younger man said nothing and instead shut his eyes tightly, "Aaron what's wrong?" immediately Paddy reached out but Aaron recoiled slightly. A second later Aaron started heaving, his hand was pressed tightly to his mouth but it didn't stop the vomit from seeping through his fingers. Paddy grabbed him and pushed him towards the sink, not caring that there were plates in there to be washed.

Repeatedly Aaron continued to dry heave, and he clutched the kitchen counter as he did, almost using it to hold himself up. Paddy wasn't entirely sure what to do, Aaron had seemed fine when he first turned up and so this was a shock. He hadn't said a word except to mummer that Aaron was 'alright' over and over whilst rubbing his back. Paddy waited until it had stopped and then guided a shaky Aaron into one of the kitchen chairs before grabbing a glass of water, "you ok?"

Aaron just nodded quickly, keeping his eyes closed and continued to shake, this had clearly knocked something out of him.

"Do you want to lie down?"

"I'm alright."

"You don't look it."

He unsteadily wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, "I just drank too much last night."

This made Paddy sit up straight; he hadn't thought that Aaron looked in the least bit rough when he walked through Smithy Cottage's door, "You drank too much?"

Aaron let out a shaky breath, "Yeah, sorry. Me and Adam were making up for lost time."

He rubbed at Aaron's back, he was clearly better at hiding a hangover than he used to be, "no need to apologise to me, maybe you should take it a bit easy with the drinking though?"

"Yeah," Aaron nodded and opened his eyes, "could we do breakfast another day?"

"Of course."

"Thanks."


	16. Chapter 16

"Bit of a shock then huh?"

Adam looked up and dropped his pen onto the table, across the room Andy was looking at him expectantly, "yeah mate, had definitely not expected that phone call."

"So how is he?"

"Good." Andy looked at Adam and he could tell that the way he'd said it sounded quite unsure.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

The two of them were sat in the main office building at Butler's farm looking over the CV 's. The business was doing so well that they'd gotten to the point where they needed to bring in more managers. Currently it was he, Andy, his Dad and Holly that were responsible for a team of almost a hundred and they were stretched unbelievably.

"You don't sound that positive," Andy replied.

Adam let out a deep breath, "Something's not right with him," he stopped a moment, "Or everything's fine and I'm just looking for problems."

From the look on Andy's face, Adam could tell the other man had no idea what he was going on about, "which of them seems more likely?"

"Either," and then Adam shrugged. The truth was that they were all capable of panicking where Aaron was concerned, even he who used to sit there shaking his head when Paddy and Chas would get into a flap about silly things. One day, years ago when Aaron had been doing so well for months – long before Jackson ended their relationship, Adam had completely over reacted. Aaron was meant to come up to the farm but he'd been called into work suddenly and for whatever reason the text he'd sent to Adam never materialised. He'd waited a few hours and then called Aaron's phone and then called everyone else and got them all whipped up into a panic. Six hours later Aaron had casually driven back to the village, wondering why he had about a hundred missed calls on his phone and had to endure Adam, Jackson, Chas, Paddy, Cain and Zak shouting at him for disappearing. Aaron had just shouted back at everyone, annoyed and then climbed into his car and driven off, just to make a point – it had been a bit of a wakeup call for them all.

Andy rested his hands on his chin, "so go on then, what has you concerned?"

He took a big breath, "the reason that Aaron is back is because Jackson emailed him."

"He did?" Adam realised that Andy didn't know that detail, "yeah a week ago. Yesterday Aaron admitted he'd come back because of it."

"Does Aaron want them to get back together?"

"I'm not sure he knows what he wants."

For a moment Andy chewed on his bottom lip, thinking, "I take it you're not exactly happy about that prospect?"

It was funny, thought Adam, that anyone who didn't completely witness what Aaron and Jackson went through, didn't quite grasp how important it was that they stayed away from each other. Andy for instance, who hadn't been a close friend to either of them at the time and who only knew from what he'd heard, couldn't understand how terrible them getting back together would be.

He sighed, "I feel bad, because they are both my friends, but them getting back together is a bad idea. It's like the pair of them get so blinded by each other that common sense and even being rational goes out the window." Adam hated to admit this but it was almost like Aaron and Jackson were directly responsible for everything that had gone wrong in each other's lives, and yet at the same time neither of them was to blame.

"You don't know for sure that's what Aaron wants."

Adam reached for the pen again and started slowly twirling it around his fingers, staring for a moment at nothing, "no," he started, "you see that's the problem, because I do know Aaron and I do know that's exactly what he wants, even if he doesn't know it yet."

"What are you going to do?"

"I need to talk to him."

* * *

><p>"This is what I love about summer classes," Jackson turned around in his chair to face Sarah as she poured milk on to his cereal, "one class a week and lessons don't start until eleven."<p>

Sarah grinned, "easy life huh?"

"Easy life." Jackson rolled over to the mirror to check his complexion, earlier Sarah had given him a shave and he didn't completely trust her not to leave some shaving cream on his face. Before, he'd gone into work with a massive dollop on his neck that has seeped onto his shirt, causing a wet splodge to show prominently. "Did I miss any?" she called out to him and Jackson was pleased to see that everything looked clear.

"It's all good," now all she had to do was not burn his shirts whilst ironing and not drop food into his lap and she'd be the perfect carer, he headded back towards where Sarah was sat, "I do like it when you have one of your incidences, it's like I've been tagged by you."

Sarah lightly hit his arm and Jackson flashed her a charming grin, "hitting me goes directly against the carer code of conduct."

"Watch it or I'll tip this cereal over you!"

"And how would this be different from any other morning?"

Sarah just grinned and Jackson positioned himself directly in front of her, ready for breakfast, "Oh," he suddenly said, "I've just remembered I have a hospital check-up this afternoon, I don't think I've told Joe." Joe was due to pick him up after class, he'd had the weekend off following their big night out on Friday.

"Do you want me to call him?"

"No it's fine I can do it whilst you're driving me in. The appointment is at three thirty so he can take me directly from work."

"Ok."

Jackson had a hospital check up every month to make sure that he was doing ok. They'd check for things like his blood pressure, bed sores and look for any possible infections. They'd even checked his bones in the unlikely event that he'd broken anything because Jackson wouldn't be able to tell if he had. So far, apart from a few chest infections that had led to hospital stays, he'd done really well and his health wasn't really suffering. He had lost a bit of weight though, purely because he could rarely feel when he was hungry and didn't require as much energy from food as able bodied people did, but other than that he was absolutely great.

"Ready?" Sarah asked as she held up the spoon full of cereal and milk.

"Ready!" Jackson flashed another grin and then noted the slight squint in her eye, she was looking at him curiously, "What?" he asked.

"You seem very happy, not that you're not usually happy."

"What?" he knew that didn't make any sense.

She shrugged casually, "It's just like something's happened."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, it's like someone has put a bit of bounce in your…," Sarah paused, "err… wheels."

Jackson eyed his carer warily, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"No you're right, I'm just being daft," she shook her head exaggeratedly, "It's just as if… oh I don't know, someone important has come back in your life."

If Jackson could have crossed his arms he would have, "Aaron is not back in my life."

"No you're right, I should probably wait until after you have that date before I say things like that – when is it?"

"We've not organised it yet and it's not a date."

"Right," Jackson watched Sarah not even try to hide her smile.


	17. Chapter 17

Paddy approached the Woolpack bar, playfully drumming his fingers along the surface, it was two in the afternoon and the lunch time trade was starting to dwindle and Chastity and Rachel were working. Chastity nodded towards him demonstrating she knew he was there and then finished pouring the pint she was serving, he looked around the room but didn't spot Aaron, maybe this meant he'd gone to bed.

"Hay." He watch Chastity wipe some spilt beer from the bar, paying more attention to him than the liquid, "Hay yourself." They continued looking at each other smiling, and then it became very clear that they each expected the other to say something. Paddy was a little confused, he half expected Chas to pounce on him the minute he walked through the doors, he knew what she was like were Aaron was concerned. He had no doubt that she wouldn't just except that Aaron had been sick – she'd probably want a blow by blow account.

They were all very overprotective of Aaron but no one as much as Chastity, there was a period when she wouldn't let him out of her sight for longer than an hour. When Aaron was first released from hospital after being sectioned, they'd come up with this schedule so that Aaron knew exactly what was happening when – so not to agitate him. Chastity had used this as an anchor, Aaron had to be exactly where he was meant to be otherwise she'd go into a complete panic and even when his medication was reduced she'd follow it to the letter. Eventually Aaron came of meds completely and made the decisions to move into Dale Head with Jackson and so Chastity had to let go, although it proved hard and she still demanded that he see her every day.

Paddy continued to look at her genuinely confused, Chastity then put her hands on her hips, "did you want something Paddy, only I am working."

"Er," he cleared his throat, "yeah. I came to see if Aaron was ok."

Immediately Chastity's arms dropped from her hips and an alarmed look graced her features, "Why what's wrong?"

"He was sick earlier." Didn't Chastity know this? Paddy had thought Aaron had come back here to recover from his hangover.

"He was sick?"

"Yeah."

She shook her head, "he hasn't come back, I thought he was still at yours."

"No, he told me he was hungover from his night with Adam."

Chastity suddenly reached towards the back bar for her mobile, "What you doing?" asked Paddy. "Calling him!" Paddy reached out and grabbed the phone, "He's just hungover, and he never actually said he was coming back here." They all needed to adjust their views of Aaron, the last few days had proven that, he wasn't the same vulnerable person who left four years ago.

He watched Chastity take a couple of steadying breaths and he reached out to rub her arm comfortingly, "Come on Chas, he's turned his life around, what more does he have to do? So he's been sick – everyone gets sick."

Out of them all Chastity should know more than anyone how well her son was doing, she after all did go and visit him last year and she had that advantage over everyone else. Somehow though that hadn't seemed to make much difference, years ago she'd told him about a conversation she'd had with Zak about Aaron. He'd said 'don't kid yourself that you'll ever be able to stop worrying about him', and Paddy suspected that Chastity now lived by that sentiment.

She folded her arms, annoyed "I know that everyone gets sick, but doesn't something about all of this seem odd to you?"

"Odd?"

"Yeah, I know my son and so do you – something is going on."

Paddy had to admit that there was a small ball of fear coiled in his stomach, waiting to unfurl, it had formed the moment that Aaron had explained how come home alone, without Dean. It had then grown when Chastity had mentioned Jackson's message, "Ok if you mean about Dean and Jackson then I agree with you. But let's not start convincing ourselves that him being hungover is actually a serious problem." Chastity nodded reluctantly and then Paddy gently lowered her phone onto the bar, "Do not call him," he warned.

"I won't, but we need to find out what's going on with Jackson." Paddy chewed on his lip for a second and then agreed, "we will, _once_ he returns. You let me know and I'll come back, ok."

"Ok."

Whilst talking, Paddy had completely missed Adam come up to the bar, he smiled at them both warmly once they'd finished their exchange "You alright? Is Aaron in, thought I'd have a lunch time pint with him?"

Paddy had always liked Adam, he had proven what a good and loyal friend he was over and over again. He suspected that Adam saw them as more than mates, they were more like brothers, because he knew that the minute Aaron needed him, Adam would drop everything. It could have been so different though, Aaron was a difficult friend; he disappeared to the other side of the world and made a scarce effort to maintain their friendship, Paddy hoped that Aaron knew how lucky he was.

Chastity and Paddy shared a look and then smiled back uncertainly, "he's not in," Paddy began, "and I don't think he's in any state after last night anyway." Adam seemed disappointed; it then took a second before a look of confusion fleeted his face, "why what happened last night?"

"He got hammered," Chastity answered, Paddy then waited for the embarrassed recognition from Adam, instead he got confusion. "He did. Who with?"

Immediately Paddy froze, "with you."

"No me and Aaron never drank last night."

"You didn't?"

"No," Adam shook his head, it was clear that he didn't understand the importance of this information, "he said he was too hungover from Saturday night to drink anything."

Paddy held his breath – he wasn't liking were this could be heading, he then watched Chastity lean heavily against the bar, starting to invade Adam's space, "what was meant to have happened on Saturday night?" Adam adjusted his position to compensate for the lack of room and glanced between Chastity and Paddy, seeming to grasp that something serious was going on, he spoke slowley, "you Dingle lot had a welcome home knees up."

Chastity let out a shaky breath, "no we didn't," this was said in a whisper and Paddy reached a hand out to comfort her. He wanted to still the doubts in everyone's mind, so much so that Paddy had tried to ignore his and Chastity's gut feeling but this was impossible to deny. For whatever reason Aaron wasn't drinking and this meant that him being sick earlier was due to something else. Was Aaron ill? Surely if it was a stomach bug then he'd easily just say something.

Adam swallowed hard, "So what's going on then?"

Paddy shrugged, "We don't know. But Aaron's not drinking and lying to everyone about the reason. Also this morning he was repeatedly sick at my house, which he put down to being hungover –obviously a lie."

No one said anything for a moment and then it was clear that something came to Adam's mind, "there's something else as well," he shifted uncomfortably and Paddy closed his eyes for a moment, not sure he wanted to hear, "yesterday, Aaron had a funny turn at mine."

Both Paddy and Chastity stood up straighter, "What do you mean by funny turn," she asked.

"I don't know, like he came over all giddy or something. He had to grab hold of me to stop himself from falling."

The three of them looked between one another, not saying anything and then something suddenly occurred to Paddy, "Maybe this is why he's returned. Maybe it's nothing to do with Jackson." It made sense, the email could have been pure coincidence and the truth could be that Aaron was seriously ill. The thought made Paddy feel sick, what if it was terminal? What if he'd come back to say goodbye? He hated how dramatic his thoughts were but surely this made all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. It also made so much sense, after four years of staying away, returning to face everyone and say his goodbyes, maybe even make peace with Jackson.

Adam cleared his throat, "Aaron's admitted to me that Jackson _was_ the reason for his return."

"He has?" this just gets better and better thought Paddy, "he actually told you this?"

"Yeah, he couldn't tell me why just that Jackson's message had prompted him to come back."

So what? Aaron's ill, and then completely separate, he's decided to return to Emmerdale because Jackson contacted him? Nothing was getting clearer and the only one to answer these questions was Aaron.

* * *

><p>"Chas will you calm down!" Paddy expected her to be calm! How could she? Her previously mentally ill son, who repeatedly tried to kill himself, is keeping an illness from them. "Shut up Paddy!" she yelled, feeling the panicky adrenalin cause her arms and legs to shake, she couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. They'd been trying to call Aaron for the last few hours with no answer and now Adam had gone out looking for him, they didn't like his chances, they'd never been easily able to find him before. "He was sick and now he's disappeared on us! What if he's collapsed somewhere? What if he's in serious trouble?"<p>

"Getting wound up isn't going to make a difference!"

She paused for a minute allowing her trembling finger tips to touch her lips, and looked around the pub's living room quarters, uselessly. She'd done this so many time before, just stood at a complete loss and ready with tears but she couldn't go through it again. She needed to know what was going on because she just couldn't cope with the guessing. Paddy was stood in front of her; his worried expression no doubt matched her own, "I'm going to look through his stuff -."

"Chas -."

"No Paddy, no… he can scream and shout at me all he wants – I don't care," she rubbed furiously at her forehead, "I'm going to look through his stuff," it was said as confirmation and an indictment to get Paddy's permission. He just stood in front of her, hand slowly pulled down from his mouth; he then swallowed hard, "Come on then."

It wasn't difficult to locate Aaron's belongings, he'd travelled light and everything was packed into a single bag and he'd been living out of it since his return. She looked towards Paddy and he nodded at her solemnly and then quickly just to get it over with, she knelt down onto the floor and started rummaging.

Aaron hadn't packed much, there were a few items of clothing, underwear and toiletries, she hurriedly pulled them from the bag, she then stopped because in the corner, near the bottom was a photo.

"Have you found something?"

Chastity picked up the photo, it was shrouded by the dark corners of the bag but she could still clearly see who was in the image. Aaron was there, all smiles – which was rare and his arms were wrapped tightly around another person. This person was grinning at the camera but Aaron wasn't, Aaron was giving his full attention to this other man, it was as if this man was the only thing in Aaron's universe.

"Who is it?" asked Paddy.

She paused where she was knelt and then pulled the image out, closing her eyes briefly, "take a look." And when she looked up, Chastity knew she'd see that alarmed expression on Paddy's face, because this would confirm that all their fears had been founded.

The other man in the image was Jackson.

They both stopped for a second but there wasn't much either of them could say.

After a moment Chastity continued, more tentative this time and she felt unsteady as she went, as if she couldn't handle anything else. When there was nothing in the bottom she took a deep breath and then moved onto his toilet bag.

Clearly, underneath his razor and shower gel, sat a paper box which was no doubt for medication, she paused and licked her lips. Lifting up the packet she read the large bold letters of the product name, "Eskalith." Chastity turned to Paddy, "do you know what this is?" A large white sticker stated Aaron's name and showed instruction's to take twice a day but the rest of the text was in a foreign language.

Paddy took the packaging and studied it for a second, "No I've never heard of it," he opened the box but found the content empty, there weren't any further instructions inside.

"Can you look it up on the internet?"

She could see Paddy hesitate and could understand, but they needed to know what they were dealing with, he nodded slowly, "Ok."


	18. Chapter 18

**So I'm thinking that maybe you did a little research into the product 'Eskalith'**** and that it gave the game away. I hope so anyway because I liked how much everyone was going crazy with guessing, and I wanted to give you a little homework. **

**Anyway, if you didn't, then here is the answer, I hope it was worth the trouble and time you've spent with my story and as I'm sure you've all realised – there is still some way to go.**

* * *

><p>Aaron sat uncomfortably in the plastic chair, shrouded by the curtains that separated him from the other cubicles; in front a Doctor sat scribbling notes, he twisted his hands together apprehensively, "I'm on holiday, I live in Dubai at the moment – I thought it was best to come to the hospital as I don't have a Doctor."<p>

The man in front of him smiled and finished writing before chucking the pen down, "have you had these problems before?"

Never, in fact considering the nature of the medication he was taking it was amazing that there hadn't been any side effects. They'd only begun a few days ago, just before he caught his flight but the sickness and giddy spells hadn't been a massive problem – but it was getting worse.

"How long since you were first prescribed Eskalith?"

Aaron thought, "A few weeks ago," he answered, "I was fine at first – this has only just come on." The Doctor examined the blister pack that contained the pills, Aaron hadn't thought to bring the box, not that it was much use – nothing was written in English.

Doctor Malcolm was in his early forties, he wore a blue two toned stripe shirt and a black tie and he'd worn an apologetic look on his face the minute Aaron had started explaining the situation. Aaron couldn't tell if it was sympathy or simply because he couldn't do anything to help. The Doctor cocked an eyebrow, "You really shouldn't have left the country so soon, I'm surprised your Doctor didn't tell you that."

"He didn't." This was a bit of a lie because actually that was exactly what his doctor had said. Aaron could tell that Doctor Malcolm didn't believe him, especially as he was frowning, "this medication can take a few weeks to kick in, if you were going to have side effects they would begin about now." Before this, he'd been on something else and then before that he'd been on something else and never had there been any problems, although all the other products hadn't been lithium based.

"Ok," Aaron really didn't need confirmation that something _could_ happen especially when he already was well aware it _actually_ was happening, "so what can you do because it's getting worse."

The Doctor sighed, "What should be happening is that your Doctor looks at your dosage or maybe changes the medication all together."

Four years he's been medicated and the only time this is an issue is once he's finally returned home. Aaron placed his head in his hands, he was feeling himself getting annoyed now, "can't _you_ change it?"

"No, not without talking to your Doctor in Dubai, I don't know enough about your history with this condition."

What exactly did he need to know? Four years ago he'd gone to a British Doctor in Dubai and been diagnosed, since then he'd been on two types of medication. Recently he'd moved Doctors and this one decided three weeks ago to lower the dosage by moving him onto someone thing else, "I'm on this because apparently it's more targeted than the other stuff."

"And how are you feeling?"

"Sick!"

The doctor leant forward and rested his arms on his legs, he looked at him sombrely, "I mean in yourself."

"I feel fine." And he did, in fact he always felt fine, right up until the point it turned into paranoia and agitation, which was were the pills came in.

"No anxiety?"

"No," except right now because he was stuck thousands of miles from his home, puking his guts up and trying to hide it from his family and all this when he didn't know what to do about it, "there must be something you can do."

"Well, " the man infront of him thought for a second, "I could speak to your doctor, come up with something with him - it won't be an immediate solution, but it will mean that you won't have to wait until you return."

"Yes – do that."

Doctor Malcolm picked up his pen to make a note and then glanced at Aaron, "Do you have their name and number?"

"Yes."

Aaron grabbed his mobile and flicked down the contact list, he waited until he came across the surgery's name, "here," he passed the phone, "There's the number and the address is there too, his name is Dr Abbott." This Doctor was also British, something Aaron had found so strange, it seemed that all the expats over there still wanted to be cared by English Doctors. It wasn't just medical, there were English schools, English banks, in fact anything you could want had an English counterpart. Dean had always found it hilarious how people can move to another country and yet still expect their home familiarities.

"I think it would be best for me to call you once I have spoken to him, hopefully I can call you back in tomorrow," Aaron just nodded, pleased that someone was taking control of the situation. "When are you leaving the UK?"

He paused because he wasn't sure, Aaron had told everyone a week but that was just so no one asked him any questions, "I don't know." The Doctor passed back Aaron's phone, "You don't know?"

"No this was a spare of the moment thing," he'd received Jackson's message on the Tuesday and then proceeded to spend the next two day's reading it over and over again. Finally on Friday morning he'd packed a bag and headed to the airport, he hadn't really been thinking beyond that and it wasn't until he'd set foot on British soil that he'd realised what he'd done.

For some reason Aaron's words caused the Doctor's brow to narrow, "You just jumped on a plane?" he was speaking cautiously.

"Yeah," Aaron shrugged; he didn't like the negative tone the Doctor used.

"Did you let anyone know you were coming?"

"No," he shrugged, "it was a surprise." That was the truth, because it had been a surprise, especially to him.

"Aaron," the doctor didn't even try to hide the tentative way he was talking, he was clearly suspicious of what he was being told, "you know it's very important that you tell me if you're feeling even slightly out of sorts." He got it straight away because Dr Malcolm wasn't even trying to be subtle; this man was as bad as his family, they all used to do this the minute he did anything. He gritted his teeth, the Doctor was starting to annoy him, "there's nothing wrong with wanting to give your family a surprise visit – some people would even call that nice."

"Did you tell anyone you were going?"

"Yes." But really he hadn't, not that it would make any difference because Dean was in New York now and this morning he'd called into work sick, although really he needed to come up with a better reason for his absence.

The Doctor just continued to look at him, Aaron licked his lips annoyed because the man wasn't buying a word he was saying, "Aaron, wouldn't you say that's quite compulsive behaviour?"

Now he was getting seriously pissed off, "no, no I wouldn't, people do stuff all the time and they don't get this kind of questioning!"

"Yes but I bet their not all diagnosed with having Bipolar Disorder."

And there you had it; this is what it always came down to, Bi – bloody – polar disorder!

Aaron huffed loudly and folded his arms, hating that everything he did was clouded by this suspicion. Four years ago when he arrived in Dubai, he'd known that something wrong and in fact nothing had been quite right since before his second suicide attempt. He'd been a teenager then, very moody and always snapping and hardly ever smiling but all that had changed when he'd been hospitalised. They'd never diagnosed manic depression; the medication he was on was purely for anxiety and then when he came off it all together, his mood never dropped and his outlook had changed. He felt happy and confident – he wanted to achieve and he had so much energy and this was how he managed to get the great job in Hotten. He'd felt low at times during that twelve months but they were few and far between and so he'd thought nothing of it because for once in his life he'd felt amazing.

Everything had started to go wrong though when Jackson ended their relationship; he became agitated, found it hard to focus and at points had extreme paranoia. Leaving the country had been an impulse decision; he was convinced that it would all go away once Jackson was nowhere near him and whilst it made a small difference, it wasn't enough and so he'd gone to see the Doctor.

"Aaron you must be able to understand my concerns?" this was the dilemma because if he said yes then it would be like admitting there was a problem. If he said no then he'd possibly be accused of being in the middle of some manic psychosis.

"I can see why you're worried, but speak to my Doctor – he'll tell you that he's never known me to be a danger to myself or anyone one else," Aaron squinted, hoping this was enough to convince the man. He also didn't want him to probe deeper. He certainly didn't want the doctor to uncover that six month stint in hospital when he was a teenager or that his Mum and Paddy were trying to get him sectioned before he escaped the country.

"Ok I will." Aaron breathed out a sigh of relief, "I would also like you to return with either your next of kin or nearest blood relative, because if we do alter your medication – they will need to know."

Aaron wanted to close his eyes but he didn't dare because that would give the game away that his family were in the dark, instead he muttered under his breath, "shit."


	19. Chapter 19

"So?" Joe leaned heavily against the car bonnet as Jackson maneuvered his wheel chair to face him. He watched Jackson blow air out of his mouth and curl his lip disinterested.

"Yeah I guess we should."

"Yeah?

"If we have too."

Joe grinned at Jackson, they'd been debating whether to go and do some food shopping since Joe had turned up to collect him from work. He and Sarah were meant to do it over the weekend but with one thing and another they'd failed to go, currently Jackson's cupboards were bare, "if we don't – you'll have beans on toast for your tea."

"Or we could eat out tonight and go tomorrow?" usually when Joe took Jackson to these hospital appointments, he was always worn out afterwards and wanted to go straight home. Therefore it was no surprise that he was trying to get out of the food shopping, it was however a little strange that he wanted to go and eat out. Joe had collected the other man from the university a couple of hours ago and driven him straight here and then proceeded to sit and watch as Jackson was poked and prodded by the doctors and nurses. Jackson had always hated it and even though it happened just once a month, he considered it too often. Mostly he said that he felt like a piece of meat and would lie humiliated as the doctors asked Joe question's that Jackson simply couldn't answer for himself. Sitting on your backside all day long doesn't go without its issues and he had to lie there on his front as Joe pointed out any concerns he had over possible forming bedsores and muscle waste. Joe tried to hurry the process as quickly as possible because whilst Jackson had learnt to deal with most things – this was still one that he couldn't get his head round.

"You want to eat out?" Joe was surprised.

Jackson raised his eyebrows clearly wondering at the questioning tone in Joe voice, "yeah."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"The woolpack."

You don't work closely with a person for 7 Years without understanding a few things about them and Joe couldn't understand Jackson any better if he tried. Like now for instance, because he could detect the slight elation in him and he was in a better mood than usual considering how much he hated these appointments. Joe squinted because he wasn't deluded enough to believe that Jackson's interest in going to the woolpack was anything to do with the amazing food there.

"Woolpack, it is then," Joe reached into his pocket to retrieve the car keys and risked a glance at Jackson, the other man was licking his lips, deep in thought and it made Joe sigh. He'd been informed of Aaron's return when he turned up to collect Jackson, immediately he'd been shocked and also a little wary. When Joe had encouraged Jackson to write that email, it had been purely to try and lift his friend's mood, he'd never thought that Aaron would be back in the country a mere few days later. He'd asked Jackson what he'd thought it meant but his response had just been that it meant nothing. Aaron had a boyfriend in Dubai and he was just returning for a visit and apparently Aaron never even received the message, but Joe didn't believe it. He'd asked Jackson if he wanted it to mean something and his reply had been a bit short, "like what?" he'd snapped and Joe had just given him a look.

"Like he's come back for you?" Jackson hadn't responded and then he furrowed his brow, "well he hasn't."

"That's not what I asked."

And then Jackson had gritted his teeth and given him a 'back off' look, "I just want his friendship, that's all I want and that's the reason I emailed him – you know that, I told you before I did it."

"Yeah," he'd cocked his head, "but an email sent thousands of miles is very different to seeing someone in the flesh."

Jackson hadn't said a word.

"That's fine by me anyway," begun Joe, coming back to the present, "apparently Marlon has cajun chicken burgers on the menu and I'm dying to try it."

"Good."

Joe moved around to the back of the car and unlocked the boot to lower the ramp. Neither he or Jackson were paying particular attention, not even when a slight thud hit the car bonnet and not even when a person started clearly moving around the side of the car.

"Hay."

Joe raised his eyes to the voice and then widened them in shock - talk about weird timing, because stood in front of them in the hospital car park was Aaron.

"Hay!" this was the last thing he'd expected and he immediately noticed Jackson's smile grow, Aaron looked between them grinning. Joe couldn't help it and even though he was concerned, he was also ridiculously happy to see Aaron, "I heard you were back!" he reached out to shake Aaron's hand and it was done happily with real enthusiasm.

"Hello to you too."

Aaron and Jackson shared a friendly glance and Jackson spoke first, "what are you doing at the hospital?" Aaron straightened slightly and Joe didn't miss the look that fleeted his expression, "Oh I err… wasn't, I saw you guys from the street. What are you doing here?"

"Monthly check up."

Concern jumped to Aaron's eyes, "you're alright though?"

"Everything's fine." There was a small smile on Jackson's face as he answered Aaron and Joe had a feeling he meant more than just the hospital appointment, he couldn't help but glance quickly between them both.

Aaron and Jackson, two men who loved each other more than anything in the world and on paper that should be enough, that should have gotten them through anything. What it had led to though was one man who felt he couldn't breathe without the other and another who constantly sacrificed everything because he felt the other deserved better. That was how it all ended last time, Jackson was convinced that he was holding Aaron back when he got the job offer in Dubai and Aaron was convinced he couldn't live without Jackson. It had ended messily – worse than that it had ended terribly and could have gone even worse. Over the three month preceding his departure Aaron had become more and more desperate, he turned down the job in Dubai and then he quit his job in Hotten. He proposed to Jackson and had these big plans to become his full time carer, but Jackson remained firm, he truly believed that being so self-sacrificing was the best thing to do. Not that he'd never done it before, it was part of the reason back when he convinced Aaron to help end his life. He'd felt that he was doing it as much for Aaron and had said, 'in a few years he'll wish he wasn't tied to me'. Joe suspected that no matter what choices the two of them made, they would always be tied to one another.

Aaron shoved his hands deep into his pockets, "What are you both up to now?"

"Well," began Jackson, "We had intended to go and eat in the Woolpack."

"Oh right," Joe watched Aaron shift uncomfortably as he responded, he leaned heavily against the car, letting the two men in front of him talk.

"Why where are you going?"

"Nowhere," Aaron shrugged, "just hanging around," he kicked the tip of his toe gently into the ground and dipped his head. Jackson cocked an eyebrow, "In a hospital car park?"

"Hay, I'm unconventional."

Joe realised that he may as well not be there because he wouldn't be missed, he folded his arms. It was interesting because he hadn't seen Aaron in four years and his whole world had changed in that time, he had two children but Aaron hadn't even asked how he was – that's how blindsided they could be around one another. It used to always be like that, in anything they did, they were always each other's first priority and there was always some secret joke or communication between the two of them which made anyone else feel excluded. Joe had used to love seeing it and it always warmed him, that was right up until it all went wrong and then he realised that actually what they had was quite dangerous.

Aaron smiled at Jackson, "well you have fun at the Woolpack." It was then that Jackson seemed to realise that Joe was stood there, he glanced over and Joe raised his eyebrows to make a 'yeah right you just want to be his friend' look, but Jackson ignored it.

"Come with us if you want."

There wasn't even a pause before Aaron answered, "You go anywhere else and I'll say yes."

Jackson frowned, "you avoiding the Woolpack?" in response Aaron tilted his head, "no, just family members who like to fuss – you know what their like."

'Yeah' thought Joe, 'like a group of people who've had to pick up the pieces of their loved one's life again and again.' Joe could only image what was going through Chastity's mind; he wondered what she thought of Aaron and Jackson spending time together, surprised that she hadn't already warned Jackson to keep away.

"Ok," Jackson chewed on his bottom lip for a second as he thought, "so how about I take you to Redemption – Bar West to you, we can get fish and chips on the way."

Aaron glanced at Joe, finally seeming to remember he was stood there and Joe quickly scrambled to think of a reason they shouldn't go, he couldn't so instead blow air out of his mouth, "am I included in that invite?"

"Of course you are," Jackson flashed him an annoyed glare but it didn't seem to be because he was unwelcome, more because he was embarrassed that Joe had even asked. He figured that Jackson didn't want it to seem like he could be asking Aaron out, even though he was – even if Jackson didn't realise it yet.

Aaron just smiled, "let's go."


	20. Chapter 20

Jackson watched Aaron staring up at the ceiling, he had a look of disbelief circling his features and kept shaking his head amused, Jackson couldn't help his smile – he'd known that this would be Aaron's reaction.

"So how often do you come here?"

"No that often anymore, as I'm sure you can imagine," it was true, Jackson rarely frequented this place, formally known as Bar West and it had less to do with his condition than the other reason.

"It looks so seedy."

"Yep."

"Why have they done this?"

Three years ago the bar had been brought and the formally discreet venue now looked like something out of a low budget porn film, the walls were painted black and there were mirrors everywhere as well as podiums. The windows had also been tinted and now the only illumination was from the awful neon lights, even the name 'Redemption' was terrible. It used to be a nice neutral place without décor that screamed 'gay dungeon', people would come and sit and have a nice drink, or play pool and then in the evening it had a good club atmosphere. The only thing about the place that used to suggest it was a gay bar was the occupants who went in and that was the great thing about it, it didn't in anyway try to live up to a stereotype.

It was now five thirty in the evening and the place was empty and every time Jackson went passed it was always empty – no self-respecting gay man went there anymore.

"I have no idea Aaron, but now it's always mostly empty," Jackson continued to watch Aaron as he glanced around the room, over at the bar, Joe was getting the drinks in – three cokes because Joe was driving and Aaron was on antibiotics. Aaron had explained that he was just getting over a chest infection and needed to finish the course of pills before drinking, Jackson didn't mind though because he was more interested in having a nice chat with Aaron.

If he was honest, he kind of wished Joe wasn't there, He just wanted the chance to spend some time with Aaron and have a laugh with him without any wriggling eyebrow motions from his carer. Joe wasn't exactly discreet in the car park and just doesn't get that he just wants Aaron's friendship and that him thinking about the other man all the time is purely because their past is so entwined. Because it was, it was so complicated and they were everything to one another and even now after all this time Jackson would do anything for Aaron, but that doesn't mean he was still in love with the other man.

Joe returned to the table balancing the three drinks and a few packets of crisps and Jackson proceeded to watch him and Aaron chat, the pair of them had been good friend too. Joe pulled out his wallet to show Aaron the picture of his two little girls and Aaron smiled delightfully. Joe had meet his wife Lilly years before Aaron left and the four of them used to double date all the time, Jackson and Aaron had come to the wedding and Jackson had even been best man.

Thinking back Jackson knew that they were some of the best times of his life, he had come to terms with his condition and Aaron had been stable and happier than ever before. The day of Joe's wedding for example, will always be burnt into Jackson's consciousness. He'd been incredibly nervous about his best man's speech and once through it, he'd preceded to get drunk, drinking too much in the end and Aaron had had to over rid the controls of his wheel chair to get him home. That night Aaron hadn't even bothered with Jackson's hoist to get him into bed, he'd picked him up and the started carrying him around the house, repeatedly stepping over the thresholds of various rooms, it wasn't easy and Aaron had been drunk himself. The whole time they were giggling and then Aaron kept capturing Jackson's lips and repeatedly saying that this was practice because one day it would be their wedding and he'd be carrying Jackson over the threshold for real. It was only a month after that day that Aaron had come to him about the job offer, 'it's funny' thought Jackson, 'that you can never really be sure how it will all work out'.

Jackson watched Aaron once again look around and smirk, he looked at Joe, "tell me honestly, how often does Jackson drag you in here?"

"Everyday."

Both Joe and Aaron chuckled and Aaron flashed him a glance.

"In fact sometimes twice!"

They both continued to laugh and Jackson shook his head in mock anger, Aaron then started laughing harder, "do they have wheel chair access for those podiums?"

"Ha, ha!"

They used to do this a lot, tease each other about whatever they could think of and Aaron would always come out with wheel chair related comments. But rather than be a horrible reminder of what had happened, it always made Jackson feel alive - particularly when Aaron was wrapped around his neck, holding him tight. Or like now, when Aaron's absently reached out to jokingly console him and stroked Jacksons fingers, just like he used to.

He wasn't even sure that Aaron realised what he'd just done but everything suddenly seemed to slow down for Jackson and whilst he couldn't feel it, it still 'felt' like his fingers were on fire. The hand was removed and Aaron kept smiling as he took a sip of his coke, Jackson couldn't stop looking at where he knew the touch landed.

"I'll tell you what," Aaron continued, "If this is what Bar West had looked like before I came out the closet, then there is no way I'd have come in."

Joe was looking at him but Jackson ignored his gaze, it didn't even matter that he was even here, all he could focus on was that touch, because it had felt like a kiss and he felt a little like he couldn't breathe.

"How it would have all turned out differently huh?" added Joe, he glanced back at Jackson but wasn't really trying to make a point, it was more like he was trying to pick up the flake from where Jackson's conversation had trailed off. That was why the man was his best friend, Jackson realised, because he had his back.

Aaron had just smiled minutely, "yeah, I guess it would have," he drifted off for a moment and then looked at Jackson, "for a start you would have needed a different opener." Jackson understood what Aaron meant because there were no pool table in the club and that had been Jackson's way of starting a conversation all those years ago.

Jackson just laughed, feeling slightly recovered, "No there are plenty of other chat up things I could have used."

"Yeah?"

He looked around the room for inspiration, "Yeah," he put on his most charming voice, "hay there," he wiggled his eyebrows, "you fancy looking at one of those gigantic disgusting mirror things with me?" Jackson nodded towards one of the mirror panels and Aaron turned to look, he then laughed, "doesn't have quite the same effect."

"No I guess it doesn't."

There was a point back in the car park when Jackson suspected that Joe had felt invisible and judging by the expression on his face, Jackson could tell he was feeling it again. But he couldn't help it because Aaron's glances and smiles were all for him, it was as if Joe being there was an afterthought.

"I'm just going to the gents," Joe said and both Jackson and Aaron nodded.

Silence descended on the pair once he'd gone and Jackson noted Aaron lick his lips, Aaron used to always do that, along with a multitude of other gestures that were uniquely him. He'd stuff his hands into his pockets, roll his eyes, flex his jaw muscles, bunch his fists up into his sleeves, rub at his head when stressed, play with the material of Jackson's trousers as they spoke and always, always hold Jackson tightly.

In that moment Jackson realised he wanted Aaron to hold him tightly, he wanted it more than anything in the world and he couldn't deny it anymore and judging by Aaron's expression, he wanted the same. He could see Aaron's fingers twitch as if they wanted to move towards him and his lips gently spoke a soundless word and they just studied each other.

The moment was broken by Joe's return and Aaron immediately started rubbing at his head, Joe could clearly see he'd interrupted something; he looked between the two of them. Jackson suspected that from Joe's expression, he'd had enough and was about to call them out on what was going on, possibly even ask them what the hell they thought they were doing. This wasn't necessary though because Aaron's phone started ringing and it felt like a slap to Jackson's face because an image of a man in his thirty's appeared and the big bold letters of the name 'Dean' flashed.

Aaron barely hesitated, "I'd better get this," and then he climbed from his chair and headed up the stairs to the street.

"You ok?" Joe asked after a moment where Jackson just stared at the table top.

"I'm an idiot."

"Jackson -."

"Don't be nice to me." Joe just continued to look at him and Jackson shook his head and the suddenly let out a low annoyed growl, "he has a whole life out there!"

"Yeah."

"Which I forced him into having."

"Jackson -."

"And now what, he just going to come running back to me! He loves Dean, what the hell am I doing?" he bit on his lip, "he deserves to be with someone like Dean."


	21. Chapter 21

Aaron watched Jackson and Joe enter Dale Head, Joe had just driven the three of them back after their drink in Bar West, he looked at his phone to check the time, it was now just after seven pm. They'd stayed for just over an hour and a half but Aaron had ended up spending a significant amount of time on the phone with Dean – the other man had informed him that he was finished in New York and would be jumping on a plane in the morning. They'd ended up having an argument because Aaron had had to inform his boyfriend that he was in fact in the UK and understandably so, Dean had not been impressed. Mostly he'd been in utter disbelief that Aaron could just run off to another country without telling him, even Aaron's explanation that he thought he'd be back before Deans trip ended – didn't seem to go well. He had told him that his Mum was in a bit of trouble financially and Aaron had come back to sort her out and at no point did he mention the name Jackson or divulge anything about messages. The phone call had lasted forty five minutes and by the end Dean seemed to have come round, he did after all know Aaron well – he knew how private he could be.

Relieved Aaron had returned to Jackson and Joe but something had shifted during his absence, suddenly all Jackson had wanted to talk about was Dean. He wanted find out every detail about his life in Dubai and Joe was joining in and between the two of them it felt like he was being tag teamed. Jackson kept reiterating how fantastic Aaron's life was now and how great Dean sounded; it had left Aaron exhausted especially as he knew it was bullshit because before the phone call Jackson had been giving him completely different signals.

And this is what he couldn't ignore, he couldn't ignore the intense strong attraction that he still felt for Jackson, that he'd always felt for the other man. He realised that being in Dubai had been like seeing their relationship through opaque windows – the view was still the same on the other side, just muddled. This was why he'd come back because he couldn't live the rest of his life without knowing, his future was all set out now, all planned, but the doubts stayed sat in the back of his mind and that message had brought them to the forefront.

Aaron sighed and glanced up towards Dale Head, he loved Dean and he loved Jackson, the question was who did he love more?

"Hello love," he was pulled from his thoughts by the old lady wobbling towards him; Betty was looking far older than when he'd last been here. Since his return he'd seen her around the village a few times from a distance but they'd not spoken, she'd always been a nosey woman who thrived on village gossip – definitely a person to stay away from.

She stopped right in front of him, "I was saying to your mum earlier how nice it was that you've come back." He bet she had, no doubt trying to get inside information. "Is this just a visit?"

Something caught Aaron's eye and he realised that Jackson was watching him from the window of Dale Head; he looked back and suddenly really wanted to go in but Betty was still stood in front of him talking away.

"Sorry?" he asked

"How long are you staying for?"

Aaron shook his head, "a few days," he wanted rid of this women.

"Ahhh well, it's nice to see you doing so well," she moved towards him discreetly, "especially in light of everything that's happened."

He straightened at her in response, 'everything that's happened?' he thought, 'prying, crazy old woman needs to mind her own business'. Instead he just smiled, "thanks," he said and then glanced back at the window, Jackson had gone. He felt instantly deflated, it was probably better though – he needed to think.

The pub was fairly busy for a Monday night, his mother wasn't on the bar and he didn't know the staff there, so he just said hello politely and disappeared through to the back. Immediately when he stepped into the room he could see his mother's jet black hair, she was sat in silence in the living room and so he walked round the sofa to chat to her. He plonked himself onto the arm of the opposite chair and stuffed his hands into his pockets, "alright?"

"Where have you been?" The room was deathly still and there was something strange about her, she was holding herself taught and pursing her lips together, "into town," he answered, he could see she'd been crying and Aaron was instantly alarmed, "what's wrong?"

He watched her take a deep jagged breath and then she suddenly lifted her hand and threw something at him, Aaron instinctually caught it and for a second he curiously glanced at the object, his blood then ran cold.

In his hands sat the cardboard packet for his Eskalith prescription.

He looked up at her, feeling the anger course his veins, "where did you get this from?"

"I found it."

He couldn't look at her, he felt sick, "I bet you did."

She glared at him as fresh tears formed in her eyes, "didn't know what they were for though, had to get Paddy to look it up on the internet."

And no doubt Cain and Zak and Adam as well, he could feel himself start to shake furiously, "you had no right to do that." His words seemed to cause something in Chastity to snap, she suddenly leaned forward, bearing her teeth, "no right, I'm your mother!"

He couldn't believe this, why was this happening? This woman didn't know how to stay out of his life. "Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?" Aaron stared at the glass table top in the middle of the room. "You haven't been drinking Aaron, and you've been sick and giddy."

"Comparing notes were you?"

"Yes!"

Aaron swallowed hard and rapidly jarred his leg up and down, agitated; everything was unravelling – all his best intentions undone because people didn't know how to stay out of his life.

Chastity sniffed heavily, her jaw was clenched tightly, "so why are you on mood stabilizers?"

He jumped up from his chair and started rubbing at his forehead, "Oh come on you know the answer!"

"I want to hear it from you!"

She was stood in front of him now – invading his space, "how can I look after you, when I don't know what's going on!"

"I don't need looking after!"

"Oh no of course you don't!" she raised her arms in a mocking 'eureka' way, "there's nothing wrong with you is there!"

He flecked his jaw muscles, "no."

"Oh right yeah sure," his mother suddenly reached for the box in Aaron's hand and pointed aggressively at the instructions, "July 2018, that's the date on these pills, which means you were prescribed them three weeks ago!" Aaron didn't get her point. "You've obviously haven't been on them before otherwise you wouldn't be having those side effects." He felt like punching the stupid women in the face, she'd obviously sat working it all out and no doubt bought a whole load of other people into the conversation.

"And suddenly you've turned up on my doorstep, days after Jackson's emailed you!"

She knew about that? "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Oh you think its rational do you to suddenly fly thousands of miles to see a man who dumped you four years ago?" He closed his eyes tightly, just wanting this to all go away. "Aaron," Chastity approached him, sounding slightly calmer but the pleading was evident in her voice, "you haven't wanted to even hear Jackson's name and now suddenly three weeks after being diagnosed, you come running back. Can't you see that that man makes you ill?"

She'd put two and two together and come up with seven, why did she alway think she knew everything? "So what, wanting to see Jackson is a sign of mental illness?"

"You know what he does to you," his mother tapped the side of her head, "in here."

He felt deflated, they were here again, right back to the beginning, when his mother wouldn't allow him to leave the house alone, scared for his safety and would sit there watching him eat every meal. Upon his discharge from the hospital, she'd removed the locks on the bathroom and thrown anything dangerous that he could harm himself with. It didn't seem to matter that the Doctors were happy with his progress, she just didn't trust his state of mind, "you don't know what you're talking about," he responded dejectedly.

"So tell me."

"fine," he squared his jaws, "you want to know the real reason it's taken so long for me to come back?"

"Ok." Aaron looked her straight in the eyes, "it's because of you." Chastity stepped back slightly, "because of all this bullshit."

"What."

He lowered his voice and clenched his jaw, eyes brimming with tears, "because you treat me the way you do, when you're around, I feel like a piece of crap."

"Aaron –"

The next sentence was spelt out slowly, "because… I… hate… you."

Aaron had left after that, his mother stood in the middle of the room, crying tears of her own and Aaron had just fled, not really sure where he was going. Once outside he gulped huge breaths of air and shook for a moment, what was it about that woman that made him react so hurtful? He didn't mean it, he didn't know what he meant or what the hell he was doing, everything was a mess and he just couldn't see a way to fix things.

He walked and then stopped because he needed to be somewhere safe, somewhere that made him feel good, in front of him stood Dale Head and instantly he knew that he needed Jackson.

* * *

><p><strong>Thought I'd add a little note here, to say thank you to everyone who has continued to read my story. I know <strong>**it's been a slow burner and I hope you're not getting too frustrated when chapters are not going where you predict. ****I have a clear idea how ****to**** get to that reunion and I hope you all enjoy the ride.**


	22. Chapter 22

"Hay."

"Hay."

Aaron was stood at his front door and straight away Jackson could tell that something wasn't quite right. The younger man seemed on edge and looked as though he'd been crying. "Can I come in?" requested Aaron in a small voice and Jackson didn't even hesitate. They stood in the living room and Aaron gently looked around the room, bunching his fists up into his sleeves as he did, Jackson just watched, waiting for him to speak first, "where's the bed?"

He was clearly upset about something and Jackson couldn't imagine what had happened in the twenty minutes since they'd dropped him off, "it's upstairs now, I had a wheelchair lift fitted on the stairs," when he and Aaron lived together their bed was still in the living room.

"That's nice," Aaron responded absently and he licked his lips, he looked as though to be taking in every new detail of the room as if he was stalling, "when did you decorate?"

"Last year."

"Right."

This had been their home together, for twelve wonderful months they'd lived here and Jackson realised that it must be strange for Aaron to be back in the house after all this time. Aaron walked towards the shelves in the corner and picked up an image, it was of Jackson strapped to another man. He turned back, "the bungee jump in France," it wasn't really a question.

"Yeah," Jackson smiled warmly, he had gone through a dare devil period years ago and he'd attempted to do has many crazy stunts as possible, he'd done a skydive in Whitby, wing walking in Torquay and the bungee jump in France. Aaron had been there for each one, ready with the camera and too scared to try himself and Jackson had teased him mercilessly.

Aaron didn't say a word; he just repeatedly swallowed hard and stared down at the image in his hand.

"What's wrong?" Upstairs, they could hear Joe moving around and Aaron remained quiet, "you can tell me."

"I know," he nodded, more to himself and returned the image. Earlier Jackson had made a decision where Aaron was concerned, he knew that he had to let go completely. The younger man had a whole life in Dubai and he couldn't let this visit muddle the waters, Aaron had come back for his family and he didn't need to find himself confused along the way and Jackson wouldn't let him. He and Joe had discussed it whilst Aaron took the phone call with Dean, he would do nothing to encourage Aaron and certainly not tell him how he felt, and for once their relationship would be mess free. He'd even made the decision to stay away but Aaron turning up on his door like this had scuppered that plan - his heart ached to see him upset and he just wanted to make it right.

"Talk to me Aaron." A muffled bang came from above and Jackson knew it was Joe as he folded away some clothes, his cupboard door always made that sound.

For a moment it looked as though Aaron wouldn't speak and then finally the words came out, though hesitant and shaky, "when I left… before I left," he took a deep breath, "you know I wasn't going to doing anything stupid – didn't you."

Out of everything he was going to say, Jackson hadn't expected that, he squinted at the other man, "I thought you didn't want to go over everything?" they had been Aaron's exact words in the café.

Aaron shrugged.

The last time Jackson saw Aaron had been pretty horrendous, the other man had been desperate and Jackson couldn't deny he'd been terrified. "You know that I was never going to hurt you, right?" Yeah he knew that, because Aaron didn't have it in him but that was never anyone's concern, "I knew that you'd never try to hurt me…" his answer trailed off and it was obvious that there was more to the sentence.

"but?"

Jackson swallowed, maybe some things were really best not to go over, "but I wasn't convinced that you wouldn't hurt yourself." Aaron let out a shaky breath and it looked as though he would start to cry.

They were interrupted by Joe's footsteps on the stairway and Aaron instantly turned away, Joe slowed at the bottom and upon seeing Aaron there, looked at Jackson surprised, it was obvious even with his back turned that everything was not ok with him. "Hay," Joe greeted and Aaron's response was small, his carer just looked at him with a raised eyebrow and all he could do was try to communicate with his eyes that he didn't know what was going on.

"Joe, could you go to the shop and get that stuff please," there was no stuff and Joe knew this but he instantly picked up on the situation. Joe paused for a minute, looking between the two of them, clearly wanting to help however he could, "sure, give us a call if you need me," they waited until Joe had left and this seemed to have given Aaron the chance to compose himself. The tears that threatened before hadn't fallen; instead he just stared at Jackson, "why would you need him? In case I'm still a danger to myself?" there was no bitterness in his voice, just sadness.

"Aaron -."

"It's fine."

Of course it wasn't fine and Jackson couldn't understand what had suddenly upset the younger man so much, "what's happened Aaron, please tell me."

"Oh you know," he wiped his nose on the back of his hands, "just a little argument with mother."

"About?"

"Bout me, bout why it's taken so long for me to return," he snorted humourlessly, "she thinks that even after all this time she still needs to look after me." Jackson looked at him sombrely, "She doesn't trust that everything is ok."

There was probably a little part of all of them that would continue to worry about Aaron; you don't witness those events without always being mindful of them. For a long time the image that stained Jackson's memory had been from the day he'd turned up at the hospital, covered in his own blood and waving around a shard of glass. He'd been delusional and convinced that the only way to put right the failed suicide attempt was to slit Jackson's wrists, Aaron had intended to do his own afterwards.

Aaron had refused that day to allow anyone into the hospital room as Jackson desperately tried to convince him that he didn't want to die and that was when it all fell apart, Aaron had collapsed crying and Jackson in his condition, could only watch. Once the Doctors and security had managed to break into the room, Aaron had been terrified, he'd suffered blood lose and was severely weakened, but he'd still attempted to escape, screaming and crying and begging as he did. Jackson had just sat in shock for days afterwards and then for weeks every time he'd closed his eyes – that was all he saw.

As far as he knew Aaron still had no memory of those events, he didn't remember giving Jackson the pills, being resuscitated or the following days, his first clear memory was a couple of weeks later. It had always terrified Aaron that there could be such a blank circle and whenever Jackson visited him in the psychiatric hospital, he was made to retell it.

But then Aaron had been released in December 2011 - six months later, he was still on medication but he was brighter and happier than he'd ever been, even before this all began. Everyone thought he'd completely recovered and when he moved into Dale Head, Jackson had never been happier. They'd had a complete life, they went on holidays together – did mundane things like the weekly shop and every Sunday morning they laid in bed eating bacon sandwiches and watching rubbish TV, it was perfect.

When Aaron told him about the Job in Dubai, Jackson had been so proud but this had quickly turned into a realisation. Aaron was twenty two years old and stuck caring for a disabled man who couldn't even pick up a cup. He'd known that Aaron had wanted the job, he'd come up with big plans for them both – looking into the facilities out there, researching the health care. Aaron had even looked into the universities, wanting to see if Jackson could complete his degree out there but for practical and financial reasons, it just wasn't feasible. So he had let him go and then when Aaron refused he was forced out, Jackson had told himself that it had been for his own good - who'd want to be stuck with 'this' their whole life.

Aaron had been in pieces, he'd moved back in with Paddy and Rhona and slowly begun to behave more and more desperate, he was agitated and confused and often they found themselves having the same argument over and over again. He'd stopped eating as well as not sleeping; he'd turn up at Dale Head with strange delusions that someone was forcing Jackson to end things, sometimes sounds seemed to overwhelm him and often he couldn't focus his eyes. At the time they'd all been pretty sure that Aaron was having a relapse and Jackson had felt horrendously guilty and Chastity and Paddy were trying to convince the authorities that he needed a psychiatric assessment. But then he'd taken off and that was the last time he laid eyes on Aaron, only hearing from other people that he was doing well and having to sit in the pub as Chastity boasted about Aaron's amazing life and boyfriend.

"Aaron," Jackson began, "I'm not going to lie to you, when you left I did think there was something wrong. I thought that you were having another breakdown." He watched Aaron for his reaction but there wasn't one except the slight dip of his head. "I thought that maybe what happened wasn't a one off, and that you'd have psychiatric problems possibly on and off for your whole life," Jackson had spent many hours thinking this over, researching the internet and trying to draw conclusions -he'd surmised that Aaron should never have come off the medication.

Aaron closed his eyes tightly and Jackson hated that he was upsetting him, "but I was wrong, wasn't I, because look at you," the room was silent as Aaron didn't respond; he just stayed stood over by the shelves.

Jackson desperately wanted the evident tension in Aaron's frame to go, "please sit down," he asked and nodded towards the sofa next to where he'd positioned his wheel chair, "please." Aaron licked his lips, and the cautiously moved towards the chair and Jackson was relieved when he made a deliberate effort to relax.

Once Aaron was seated Jackson picked up again, "I was wrong though, wasn't I," he wasn't really asking, just making a point, "what happened… all your behaviour was just down to the break up, and everyone is allowed to lose their head a bit during those times." Perhaps Jackson was diluting it because Aaron's behaviour at the time had been scary, but if it was as bad as he feared then he wouldn't be as ok as he was now. Jackson waited and when Aaron didn't answer, he tilted his head, the truth was they did need to have the conversation and Jackson was going to see it through, "I'm sorry for what I put you through, I honestly thought it was for the best."

There was a look in Aaron's eyes as if he wanted to say a thousand things and he sat there silently shaking his head. "What?" asked Jackson, "say whatever you want."

"It's not your fault, there's something you need to know," he took a deep breath, "Jackson I'm-" the words seemed to freeze in Aaron throat and he waited patiently for the younger man to continue, "say whatever you want," he encouraged

"I'm..." Aaron looked as if he wanted to cry and it made Jackson's heart ache, "I… I'm… I'm sorry too," he said finally and then slumped slightly, defeated.

Jackson hadn't expected that, he wasn't sure what Aaron was going to say but he was pleased, not that he had anything to apologise for, not really. Jackson just gave him a small smile, "so were both sorry then, that's good huh?" it was said to lighten the mood and it worked, a small smile broke through Aaron's despondent look.

"Everything happens for a reason Aaron, and it turned out I was right to end things, it meant that you have the life you have now," it pained Jackson to say this, "and it's given you Dean." A big part of Jackson wished Aaron would deny that what they had was good, told him he wanted to leave Dean and return to Emmerdale, but Jackson wasn't going to be so selfish.

Aaron just sat seemingly taking everything in. "And this argument with your Mum – you know what she's like, she doesn't feel useful unless she's fretting about something, and she just speaks before thinking, wonder where she gets that from huh?"

Aaron gave him a sad smile "bet she gave you hell when I left didn't she?" and Jackson just raised his eyebrows jokingly, "you already know the answer to that."

They sat like this for a moment, neither talking and then Jackson caught Aaron's eye, they smiled at each other softly, "take my hand," Jackson said and Aaron cocked an eyebrow, "go on do it." There was a silly grin on Aaron's face as he immediately understood what was being asked of him, then he went ahead and picked up Jackson's hand and didn't hesitate before resting it against his own cheek.

This was a thing they used to do, it was started as a joke but very quickly became something unique to their relationship, something they did when either of them was upset or angry or just moody.

Jackson stared into Aaron's eyes and smiled out of the corner of his mouth as his hand was pressed into Aaron's face and then Jackson softly spoke the words that they had always said each time - "it's all good."


	23. Chapter 23

Aaron had woken feeling terrible, so far this was the worse day with the side effects and the feeling of sickness sat at the edge of his throat, waiting to overwhelm him. He wanted to leave yet at the same time didn't want to go without saying goodbye to Jackson. Last night he'd slept on the couch at Dale Head because he just couldn't face round two with his mother, Jackson had made him text her to say he was safe and then they'd preceded to have a great evening. Joe had come back, warily, unsure how he would find them but Aaron's upset had passed mostly and so the three of them had sat around having a laugh and watching the TV.

He reached for his phone to check the time and noted it read eight thirty; upstairs he could here Joe and Jackson moving about. It was strange because the house was completely different since he'd lived here, their bed used to be in the living room and the wet room had come off it. Once Jackson had installed the chair lift, he'd refurbished so that the kitchen was back down stairs and the bathroom up – it was as standard as any other house. Aaron had never asked but Jackson was clearly on a good wage to be able to afford all this, he even had a mortgage now for the house and Aaron wondered how much of it was paid for by the book he'd written.

Aaron heard the whirl of Jackson's chairlift start up and the thud of footsteps on the stairs, he was relieved because really he needed to leave before he threw up.

"Morning," they all greeted each other and Aaron rose from the sofa, he was already dressed and had folded away the covers he's slept under last night.

"How'd you sleep?" asked Jackson

"Good," that was true because Aaron had never struggled to sleep here; he would probably always consider it home, despite how much it had changed.

"I'm just going to put the kettle on," Joe offered but Aaron quickly declined, "Thanks but I should get going." There was obvious disappointment from Jackson and Aaron felt terrible, but there was a very real chance that he was going to be sick. Joe then squinted; he could see that something wasn't quite right even though Aaron was trying to put a brave face on it, "if you're sure, he replied and Aaron just smiled.

Just as he left Aaron caught Jackson's eye, he didn't speak, just tried to communicate how much last night meant to him, that after everything they were there for one another and how important Jackson still was to him. That was the thing about the two of them, they didn't require words, everything they ever needed saying could be done in a glance, Aaron desperately wished that he didn't have to leave.

Outside the house, Aaron doubled over, he'd made it a little up the road before needing to take deep breathes, he really couldn't be sick in the street.

"You alright?" he closed his eyes at the voice, he'd had to stop outside his uncle's house and the other man had no doubt seen him from the window. "Fine," Aaron responded through gritted teeth and the next thing he felt was his uncles hands rest on his arms, Cain didn't seemed too alarmed to find him like this – which could only mean one things.

"Do you want to come in?"

"No."

"Well you can't stay here." Aaron could only imagine how he looked, it was still fairly early but he knew people would be on their way to work, he hated that they might see him, really he just wanted to lie down and keep his eyes tightly closed to stop the view from spinning.

"You're coming into the house," Cain had his weird caring voice on, something he seemed to reserve for Aaron; apparently having a mentally ill nephew was one of the few things that got to the usually aggressive man. The tone also confirmed what Aaron already knew – his mother had opened her big gob last night. "Come on," Aaron let his uncle lead him into the house, there wasn't much he could do to protest anyway, he currently couldn't keep his balance and needed Cain's support in walking – he was a massive mess.

The weird thing about these side effects was how varied they were, some days he'd sit with the feelings all day, they wouldn't be strong and he'd been able to keep up the pretence that everything was ok. Other days they'd come on like this – violently and unexpected but they'd be quick and flare down again and this is what had happened by the time he was sat down on the sofa, they'd mostly subsided.

Aaron took some deep breaths and lifted his head, his Uncle was sat on the arm of the other sofa, he eyed Aaron, clearly waiting for him to collect himself, "you've got some explaining to do."

Yeah he probably had, he'd been ridiculously deluded to think that all this would go unnoticed, even without the side effects his mother probably would have found out, she didn't know how to back off. "Mum told you then?" he already knew the answer.

"She was in tears last night; she told me what you said to her."

Aaron closed his eyes, annoyed with himself – he hadn't meant to say what he'd said, he didn't hate the women, he was just angry, "I didn't mean it."

"I know." Cain was used to playing referee between him and his mother, after he'd been released from hospital Aaron had found her concern smothering, they'd argued on numerous occasions and Aaron could even recall shouting that 'he hated her' before. Cain clasped his hands together and leaned forward, "So these mood stabilizers, they're prescribed for Manic Depression – is that what this is?"

What was the point, every intention he'd had to keep this quiet had completely unravelled – he'd just wanted everyone to be proud of him, Aaron didn't say a word, he just nodded his confirmation.

Cain licked his lips slowly as if he was calculating what to say next and formulating a plan, "Ok, but you need to tell us what's going on."

"I know."

"Let's go and see your mum."

Aaron hesitated, he wasn't sure he could handle it all beginning again, the unnecessary concern, the checking up on him, "Aaron?"

He took a deep breath, "Ok."


	24. Chapter 24

Paddy was here – of course he was, Aaron had returned to the pub with Cain to find both him and his mother in the living room, deep in conversation. Instant resentment had caught in Aaron's throat, as well as fear, it was like she couldn't help herself, no doubt Adam knew and Zak and Lisa, and probably Rhona by now, she may as well put out an ad in the paper.

He reluctantly sat down on the sofa where Cain gestured and both Chastity and Paddy just studied him for a moment, holding their breaths, "Where have you been?" his mum asked, Aaron could see from how small her eyes were that his mother had been crying all last night, she looked as if she was barely holding it together.

"At a friend's."

She bit her lip and her head shook a bit from the tension, "I was worried." He knew that – how could he not, she'd spent most of his adult life fretting about him, "there's no need." She snorted in response, "no of cause there isn't."

Aaron felt his teeth grit, she was always so quick with the all-knowing sarcastic comments, "I'm a grown man."

"Only technically." Instantly Paddy grabbed her arm, "Chas!" but Aaron could already feel the anger build inside him, by his side his hand curled into a fist, "You think you've got it all figured out – well fine, you don't need to ask me a fucking thing do you!" he jumped up, ready to storm out but Cain was there blocking his way. In truth Aaron was still feeling slightly giddy, he didn't put up much of a fight as Cain loosely held his arm, "it won't help if you run off," he was gently warned.

Paddy was on his feet, "please sit down Aaron." In response Aaron just stared at the spot behind his Uncle, "please." He waited and then it was only once he'd sat that he knew for sure he was going to stay, Aaron jarred his legs and shoved his hands into his pockets as he looked at his mother out of the corner of his eye, he needed to calm down.

This wasn't going to help his case, _especially_ if he didn't stay calm, Aaron was desperate to show everyone that things were ok; he closed his eyes briefly, "I'm sorry."

Chas held her head for a second and then took a deep breath, "I'm sorry too."

Then they all waited and when no one spoke Paddy cleared his throat and sat down, Cain leaned against the wall, he seemed anything but casual and the room was silent, "you don't have to tell us where you were Aaron, that's your business." He could sense that she didn't exactly agree with that but for once his Mum held her tongue.

"Thanks." he replied, with barely any sound.

Cain then made some coffee as everyone else sat in silence, Aaron couldn't look at his Mum but Chastity couldn't help but look back at him, Aaron had to admit that she looked terrible and it was all his doing. A hot mug was pressed into his hands and then Paddy kept his tone low, clearly trying to maintain calm in the room and he had to feel grateful because he didn't know what would happen if it was just him and his mother.

"Please talk to us."

Aaron licked his lips, he didn't want this conversation and he didn't know the best place to start, he'd never done this before with anyone that matters. "I have… I'm…," finally after a few false starts, in an unstable breath he managed to say what needed to be said, "I'm Bipolar." He knew that they'd already figured it and yet this confirmation seemed a little hard to take, Paddy looked like he was holding his breath and his mother closed her eyes tightly, he could see her trying to hold off the tears.

Suddenly he felt very shaky, like there was too much adrenalin inside him, "but it's not what you think," he looked towards his mother, "your conclusions were completely wrong." Paddy leant forward and rested his arms on his legs; he was taking charge, "Ok so please tell us what's really going on." Aaron paused, he didn't know if what he had to say was better or worse, at least the real version could eradicate his mum's crazy theory that he'd come back because of Jackson during some sort of psychosis. Though the real version meant he'd been living with the knowledge for four years and not told them, either one was going to upset his Mum.

And the suddenly Aaron was speaking quickly, "I was diagnosed a few weeks after I arrived in Dubai," the reaction he got was shook, even from Cain but he didn't want to have to deal with that so he barely paused. "You were all right about me when I left," he ducked his head, "I was having a relapse of sorts." The three of them didn't say anything and Aaron took a deep breath, he needed to tell them everything, this was like ripping of a plaster – the quicker the less painful. "I'd already turned down the Job offer but when I got off the plane I called up Doug Parker," this was his boss, the man who'd head hunted Aaron at his previous job. He was a very wealthy man, who had numerous businesses in Dubai; his main interest had been cars and especially Mercedes-Benz. Aaron stayed fixated on the glass coffee table in front of him, "He'd been surprised to hear from me, and the job had been given to someone else." Doug had sent a car to the airport out of curiosity and he'd been taken directly to the shop, immediately Doug could tell that something was wrong. To be fair Aaron was surprised he'd even gotten off the plane successfully; he'd been agitated for the journey, and had a strange dissociation, as if he wasn't himself, there were even points when he thought he was hallucinating. An air hostess had come over to check he was ok and he'd just about managed to convince her that he was terrified of flying, she'd sort of believed him but he knew he was being watched the whole flight. Doug had taken one look at him and wanted to send him back to the airport but luckily for Aaron, his much younger wife, Laura had been seriously concerned and made Doug take him to their house.

"He and his wife Laura got me to a Doctor because they were worried, the Doctor diagnosed Bipolar and then confirmed it a couple of months later."

Both Paddy and Chas were shaking their heads in disbelief, "the police told us they were not concerned about you," Paddy's eyebrows rose, "did they even speak to you?"

Aaron shrugged and then chewed on a finger nail nervously, "yeah kind of – the Dubai police probably just didn't want the hassle, plus they could see I was staying at a good house." Laura had refused to let him leave; the woman who was used to spending her days shopping and having her nails done had immediately taken on the role of keeping an eye on him. Months later, when he was well, she'd explained that it had felt good to something less self-involved and they'd become great friends. "Anyway," Aaron cleared his throat a little and shook his hands to try to rid himself of the nervous energy, "I got put on some pills that seemed to do some good and a couple of months later Doug offered me a different job." The job hadn't been management but Aaron could understand his reasons, it took a couple of years before he was completely trusted. "I got a flat of my own and everything was good."

"What does Dean say about all this?" Paddy asked and Aaron shifted in response and then after a moment shrugged, "what can he say – it's just one of those things, we get on with it."

Everyone in the room seemed to look at him in complete disbelief; Paddy pushed his glasses further up his nose, "so this is no big deal?" he wasn't angry but did look incredibly upset. This is what Aaron needed them to understand, because to him all this was history, it's been diluted by time. It happened four years ago and whilst pretty bad, it could have been a whole lot worse. He'd been incredibly lucky, he could have found himself with no money and no place to go, wondering a foreign country half out of his mind or he could have been arrested on the plane and sent back to England. Aaron's agitation had been so acute that no doubt he would have reacted badly, they probably would have sedated him for the flight and he'd of wound up back in hospital, whenever Aaron thought of these alternatives, it made him shudder.

"I'm not saying this stuff to upset you; I just need you to see that the condition doesn't affect my day to day, that I can live without anyone's unnecessary concern." He hadn't meant to but he knew this comment sounded like a dig – especially at his Mother. Immediately Chastity's shoulders squared, she had tears in her eyes and sniffed loudly, trying to stop them from falling, "so what about the last few days then?"

Aaron ducked his face and started rubbing on his forehead, "I've recently changed medication and I'm getting side effects," he held out his hands openly, "that's all there is to it." Everyone remained quiet for a long time, the shaky feeling still permitted, but Aaron realised he felt good – he'd told them, nobody had yelled, and he was in control – he was the adult.

After that Aaron sat as Paddy asked him questions about his dosage, what other medication he'd been on and to try and understand the specific nature of his illness. It appeared that he'd done a lot of research last night and understood how varied the condition could be, "I don't really get the depression just the manic stuff and it's not all the time."

"Right."

Aaron found it hard to look at Paddy as he explained, "It's not even half as bad as some people get, it just gets messy when I'm really stressed or upset."

"And you had this before you left?" This was probably the saddest part of it all, because for that year, Aaron had been on top of the world, he'd achieved so much and felt a million pounds, but evidence suggest that it was all down to his condition, "yeah."

"And Jackson breaking up with you is what caused the episode before you left?" As Paddy said this Chas's head shot up, she'd not been contributing but was listening intently; Aaron licked his lips, reluctantly, "I guess."

He knew his mother wanted to say something about that; last night's arguments about him returning for Jackson were still fresh in both their minds but Paddy continued, possibly deliberately, not allowing them to dwell on his last question, "are you not drinking because of the pills?"

He nodded "Yeah, it makes me really sick and I haven't done for years, I wasn't drinking when Mum came to Dubai either." Chastity's face suddenly creased up in realisation and she looked like she was about to cry again, "No you weren't, you said you were on antibiotics – I didn't even consider that."

The woman had always blamed herself and Aaron knew she was feeling this now; he needed to make her understand that her not realising was less to do with how bad a mother she was and more about how well he was doing.

"I'm sorry, I kept it a secret," he wasn't really, because during the last four years he experienced a freedom that he'd never had before, maybe it was because no one out there had witnessed how bad it could get. "I just didn't want anyone to worry." The three of them remained silent and Aaron took a big shaky breath, because they needed to hear this and maybe now they'd be more susceptible, "and you know that you would have," perhaps this was more about his Mum than the others. "I can't go back to the way it used to be," Chastity was looking towards the floor, "Mum," he said and she looked up, Aaron's voice became small, "I _can't_ go back to how it was before."

She didn't respond.


	25. Chapter 25

Aaron sat taught with his phone pressed against his ear; he was taking a call from Doctor Malcolm and was relieved that he could be seen this afternoon, "two-thirty this afternoon, I can make then." The Doctor was being vague but he did let on that he'd spoken to his GP in Dubai and they did have some options for him.

"I just want to make sure that you bring a next of kin with you, someone needs to know what's going." Aaron had taken a deep breath and then casually replied that this was no problem and actually it wasn't because he'd already done the hardest part – everyone now knew.

"See you later."

"Thanks."

Aaron hung up and leaned his head back against the wooden building, closing his eyes, it was really pleasant and peaceful and the sun was uncharacteristically hot even for Yorkshire in August. He was down by the Pavilion, no one was playing cricket today and he had the place to himself, Aaron used to always come down here to get away from at all and he was pleased to find the same respite. Mostly it gave him the chance to recover from his encounter earlier, which could have gone a lot worse, Paddy and Cain at least seemed to take it in their stride, his mother on the other hand was in shock. After the initial heated exchange she'd barely said a word and even when Aaron had left them to have a lie down she barely acknowledged him leave the room. He hoped more than anything that this would make her see that she needed to calm down and realise that this doesn't need to be an issue.

Aaron kept his eyes closed, he'd not managed to get comfortable in his room and so decided to take a walk and get some air, this was how he'd ended up here. He tilted his head towards the sun and felt the rays filter through his eye lids, there was nowhere in Dubai that brought him as much calm as this place did – this was his spot.

"Hay."

The calm was instantly disrupted by the shadow that fell across his face, blocking the sun, Aaron knew who it was immediately but considering the alternatives he didn't mind.

"Adam," he responded in greeting as he opened his eyes.

"You alright?" Aaron just nodded, he could tell by the look on Adam's face that he'd been filled in.

"Just been round yours, looking for you."

Aaron snorted humourlessly, "bet Mum freaked out when she realised I wasn't there."

Adam squinted, "A bit," he then held up a carrier bag that Aaron hadn't noticed he'd been holding, "she said to give you this." Adam threw the bag into his lap and settled next to Aaron on the step, inside was a foil parcel, he unwrapped the contents to find bacon sandwiches, "apparently you haven't had any breakfast this morning".

Aaron shook his head, amused and maybe a little annoyed, he looked up to find Adam studying him intently, "send you out to look for me did she?"

"No," Adam reached into the bag, there was a flask of tea in there as well but he ignored it in favour for one of the sandwiches, "I wanted to see you and there wasn't much looking cause I already knew where you'd be."

"That predictable am I?"

Adam took a bite and talked around his mouthful, "Yep, there's always been one of two places that you go after a run in with your Mum," he swallowed and then reached for the flask and Aaron just watched him amused as he helped himself. "First - Jackson," Aaron ducked his head at his friends comment, "but I saw him with Joe, driving off. So that means you were gonna be here."

"Right."

He watched Adam grin, obnoxiously proud of himself that he could read his friend so well but then the smug expression slipped from Adam's face and he suddenly looked thoughtful. He gently elbowed Aaron, "you should have told us," he caught Aaron's eye, "_but_ I completely understand why you didn't."

Aaron nodded and dropped his head slightly, "thanks."

"Eat your sandwiches."

"Yes Mum."

They sat in companionable silence, Adam throwing stones and Aaron chewing on the food, eventually Adam laid back and rested his arms behind his head, "wish it was as hot as this all year round – I'd have a tan like yours then."

Aaron just snorted and threw the birds the last of his crumbs, "It's not like you can walk around topless their strict about that out there, we have a private roof court bit but I'm not really into sunbathing so my white bits are ridiculous – you should see my arse!"

"No thanks!" and then Aaron realised what he'd just said and started laughing and then Adam joined in, it probably wasn't even that funny but it took some time for the pair of them to calm down. This was what he'd needed more than anything, someone who know what was going on but didn't treat him any differently, someone he could laugh with.

"Adam?"

His mate curled towards him, "yeah."

Aaron started playing with the material of his own trousers, he paused for a second, "Mum told you I'm getting sick because of the medication didn't she?" of cause she had, he wasn't even sure why he was bothering to clarify that.

"Yeah," his friend sat up and a serious look graced his features.

"Well I went to the hospital yesterday about it and the doctor wants me to come back this afternoon to change it."

"Ok."

"Only I need a next of kin."

Adam didn't say a word, immediately understanding what was being asked of him, "what about your Mum or Paddy?"

"I didn't tell them," Aaron felt quite small in that moment, he'd not meant to leave that part out but the conversation had been so heavy already that he'd just wanted to retreat from the room as quick as he could.

He watched Adam scratched just above his eyebrow, "I'll come with you mate, of cause I will," Aaron sensed a 'but', "great," he responded.

"but," Aaron knew it, "all this sneaking around and keeping secrets, I get why you're doing it, I get that you don't want the fuss and you want to prove that you're ok." Aaron nodded. "Can't you see though that it's completely counterproductive? You want to be independent, you want to be seen as an adult – well maybe being upfront is the way to go about it, be mature – don't run away for once?"

Aaron glared at him uneasily out of the corner of his eye, he hated it when Adam came over all common sense, he licked his lips, "since when have you used big words like _counterproductive_?"

Adam just grinned at him.

* * *

><p>Inside the woolpack, his mother was once again sat in the living room, she looked up upon his entrance and gave a small unsteady smile. She was sipping on a cup of tea and sat at the table, Aaron dropped the empty flask on the surface and shoved his hands into his pockets, "thanks for breakfast."<p>

Chastity just smiled at him, she still looked as if she was going to burst into tears, "and I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was going for a walk." Immediately her brows rose at his apology, it was probably the last thing she'd expected him to confess. "Thanks."

Aaron stayed there awkwardly and then didn't have a clue what to do for the best; really he couldn't cope with the aghast look that now seemed to live on his mother's face. She'd always worn that expression when he was at his worse and Aaron hated the idea that he was making her miserable. He didn't know what to say though to make her understand, he'd never been great with words – mostly he'd always just avoided situations, Adam's comment sounded in his head '_don't run away for_ _once_'. He looked at his mother for a moment, trying to desperately form a sentence that would make it all ok, but he struggled and so instead shrugged, "I'll be upstairs if you want me."

"Aaron wait."

He froze and watched her take some deep breaths, "I know I can be a nightmare." Aaron didn't respond, he just dropped his head, Chastity went silent and then suddenly spoke, "just that there are things that parents kind of expect." She waited and the gently kicked out the opposite chair and gestured for Aaron to sit; he cautiously took it, not having a clue where this was going and then slowly rose his eyes to meet his mothers.

"You know, like high school exams, first girlfriends," a small smile jumped to her lips, "or boyfriends." Aaron just shifted uncomfortably, "arguments about messy rooms and then as your kid gets older, it's the moment he moves out or gets that amazing new job."

Aaron didn't speak, he just laced his fingers together on the table top, "but I didn't get that," she spoke carefully; "I got to come running up the garage drive to find you unconscious after inhaling car fumes, then sit there with you for two days with you in a coma." He licked his lips and shook his head minutely and his mother sniffed loudly before continuing, "_then_ the next year I stood, after the overdose at the foot of the bed as tubes were forced down your throat to make you vomit." She looked at him, and had to lower her eyes and hold her breath, Aaron could see the tears form, "And then you ran away to London to be with Jackson and when I turned up at the hospital, you'd lost so much blood." A tear trailed down her cheek, "and then… and then," Aaron wasn't sure she could continue. "And then I walked in on you having a blood transfusion, and you were completely out of control," her voiced cracked and she openly started crying, "they'd had to sedate you…"

Immediately he reached across the table to grab his mother's hand, she had her head bowed and was trying desperately to stop the tears. He didn't remember any of these things, each one was like a crazy story that you read in one of those weekly women's magazines his mum bought. The first attempted suicide he been in a coma but for the other events he'd been completely conscious and yet he'd never come close to remembering the entire event. Only flashes of moments jumped to his memory and even then he had complete dissociation from them, they could have been something that he watched in a film for all he knew.

He clasped her hand tighter and then Chastity wiped at the tears, "I'm sorry, it's not your fault, I'm not blaming you at all I just need you to understand why I can't let go."

In that moment Aaron felt terrible because he'd forgotten completely that mental health problems affect the whole family. This is what his therapist had told him once, after an argument he'd had with his Mum and Aaron hated how selfish he was being but the distance of Dubai had diluted everything. He was an adult, that's what he'd told his Mum earlier and this is how he needed to act.

Aaron spoke quietly, he wasn't one to sit and discuss everything, he'd never been comfortable with opening up completely and it was doubtful that he'd suddenly elope her in a massive hug and all of a sudden take control. There was one thing he could do though, "I forgot to tell you earlier, but I went to the hospital yesterday to try to sort out the side effects." Chastity's eyes rose expectantly, "I'm going back this afternoon," he swallowed hard, "will you come?"

His mother just looked at him with big watery eyes and smiled and squeezed his hand back.


	26. Chapter 26

Doctor Malcolm showed them to the cubicle and Aaron watched as his Mum introduced herself to him, she'd calmed down a lot since the morning and now with her touched up make up you could believe she hadn't been crying at all.

This felt weird being here, sat with his Mum, it had been years since he'd had to go to one of these appointments with anyone; they were not so strict about that in Dubai. Part of him felt like he was undoing the last four years, like it was back to the beginning when his Mum insisted on going to every appointment, even if it was just to sit in the waiting room. Eventually Aaron had had to ask Paddy to intervene and convince her he didn't need this and she'd reluctantly agreed.

In front of him Dr Malcolm gave him a friendly but solemn look, he crossed his legs and rested his hands on them, "your doctor wasn't impressed with you taking a holiday." Next to him he felt his Mum straighten but she didn't say a word, Aaron just shifted uncomfortably.

"And it's not going to be a straight forward as you'd like I fear."

"Ok," Aaron felt wary.

His doctor studied him briefly and begun, "as you know, you were moved onto the Eskalith because your Doctor felt it was more targeted. He said you hadn't had any extreme mood swings for a couple of years and he was hoping that by using Eskalith you could aim towards coming off the tablets altogether." Aaron risked a glance at his mother, she had a smile on her face and he could tell she'd be happy with that. The Doctor continued, "Your dosage previously has been pretty high and so the intention was to bring it down over the next couple of years and monitor your moods carefully." He already knew all this and couldn't help feel that this was more for the benefit of his mum, although Aaron hadn't exactly done a great job of explain it so he was sort of pleased.

"Now you were due for a check-up next week I was told."

Aaron nodded solemnly.

"Right well we've come up with two options," Aaron held his breath, "we can keep you on the Eskalith and reduce the dosage now, that should lessen the side effects. It means you need to stay in the country for the next month though."

Next to him his mother became alarmed, "What, why would he have to stay?" Aaron could have been offended by her reaction but he knew his mother, he knew it was nothing to do with being unwelcome.

"Because it would be the second time his medication has been reduced within a few weeks, if you drop dosages too quickly it might cause a manic episode."

"But I thought his Doctor wanted him off the pills anyway?"

"Yes, eventually but were talking years down the line and it might not be possible at all – that's why Aaron and his Doctor are experimenting." Aaron rubbed at his head, "What's the second option?"

Doctor Malcolm hesitated it was like he knew this was even worse, "you wait until you get back and your Doctor lowers the dosage there."

"Wait?" he couldn't wait, he constantly felt sick, he kept losing his balance and he'd not told anyone but the pills were giving him the shakes.

"It all depends on the side effects and whether you can stand them."

That was it? His options, the Doctor could have told him them on the phone, Aaron place his head in his hands.

His Mum spoke softly, "well he can't stay, he's got work,"

"He'd get medical leave."

"But," Chastity got flustered and she turned to Aaron, "you have a whole life out there and what about Dean?"

"Dean?" the Doctor enquired, "his boyfriend," Chas explained. Aaron looked up and noted that if there was any surprise at his sexuality the doctor neatly masked it; instead he replied, "I'm sure Dean would understand."

"No but I mean your side effects aren't that bad are they?" Aaron rolled his eyes, he got what her problem was, he got why she didn't want him to stay, it was all because of Jackson. There was still a massive suspicion over his return and he'd already admitted it to Adam that Jackson's message was his reason. What did it all mean, even Aaron didn't know, he'd hated Jackson for the longest time and now he just saw it as a big waste, all he knew was that not much had changed. He still wanted Jackson when he was upset, he still felt more at home in Dale Head than anywhere else in the world and even now Jackson still had the ability to make his stomach flip.

"Aaron?" the doctor enquired.

He didn't know what was worse, having to put up with the sickness or having to stay in the village with his mother? The side effects could only be until next week because he'd be going back then, wouldn't he? That was the plan, to return to Dubai, at least that's what he'd been telling everyone and what would Dean say about a month's absence if he stayed? But then if he did, he could see more of Jackson, but then what would Dean say?

Aaron didn't know, he looked at his Mother and could easily read her eyes; she desperately wanted him to return to his nice life and wonderful boyfriend. He could see that the revelation of his illness had knocked her for six and by returning to Dubai it would prove that everything was ok. He just didn't have a clue what to do, but the strained look on Chastity's face told him that option two would be the less stressful for everyone else. He licked his lips and eyed her before nodding towards the Doctor, "I'll wait, the side effects aren't that bad."

Doctor Malcolm was looking between him and his mother, she was just nodding to herself as if he'd made the right choice, his eyes settled on Aaron, "this has to be _your_ decision Aaron."

Chastity looked at him intently; he could see she was holding her breath.

"I know, it is." The Doctor didn't believe it for a second, "take some time and come back tomorrow if you want."

"No it's fine," Aaron suspected that his mum was completely oblivious to how much she'd just railroaded him into this course of action, she was just looking at him happily, "thanks anyway."

* * *

><p>Aaron wiped a shaky hand across his mouth as he plonked himself down on the bed, they'd returned to the pub a couple of hours ago and the sickness had returned and he'd just spent the last ten minutes hugging the loo. His Mum was obviously in the pub otherwise she'd have heard him and come running in; Aaron pulled up his leg and hugged his knees. If his Mum knew how bad the side effects were, she'd probably never have guilted him into continuing as he was, this was Aaron's fault just as much though – he was just so determined to deal with everything on his own.<p>

A knock sounded on his door and Chastity poked her head around, she smiled at him, "you alright love?"

He felt awful, "yeah."

"You sure?" she obviously noted his pale colour.

"Yeah."

His mother looked at him strangely but seemed to ignore any concern she had, maybe it was guilt of her own, "you still going to Paddy's?"

He'd received a text whilst on the way to the hospital, inviting him around for tea; he'd been a bit reluctant because he feared that he and Rhona would want to continue talking about his illness. Paddy had assured him they would ask the minimum questions possible and that Leo was missing him, this had convinced Aaron, "yeah, will be leaving soon."

"Ok," he watched her hesitate at the door, she looked unsurely at him. He cocked an eyebrow, "what?"

"Are you still meant to take your pills half an hour before eating?"

He barely hide the humourless snort and eyed her, "I'll take them now," he was too exhausted from throwing up to comment about her interfering.

"Ok," she gave him a small smile and beneath, Aaron saw it – guilt.

Aaron reached over to the bedside table for the blister packaging, he glared at the two toned pills resentfully. The Doctor was right he'd not had a manic period for years, it was doubted that he even needed them anymore. Aaron popped out two and held them in the palm of his hand, he couldn't understand the point anymore, they were making him sick – why would anyone choose to make themselves ill? He played with one, holding it up to the light, twisting it between his fingertips. He'd only ever gone into a full manic episode a few times, brought on by external stressors, there was nothing stressful now, he was I control.

He repositioned both pills in his palm and gently pushed them around, he knew this illness, understood the signs, and had it under control.

After minutes of just staring at them, Aaron stood, he took a deep breath and walked over to the corner of the room, there sat a wastepaper bin, he didn't want to be sick again, didn't want shake or lose his balance, he just wanted to be normal.

Aaron didn't hesitate before dropping them in.


	27. Chapter 27

Aaron scanned the row of magazines trying to decide which was best, he wanted to take something for Leo, Rhona and Paddy had said that he really enjoyed colouring and there were a few options that he could choose from. In the end Aaron grabbed a 'read and colour' book, he didn't recognise the characters all over the cover but figured Leo would.

He reached the counter of the village shop and smiled politely at Alicia behind the desk, the shop was still named after David but apparently he'd left a long time ago, Alicia was now running it. She'd been watching him the whole time, clearly trying to be discreet and failing and Aaron had just ignored her because he knew that his return had caused a bit of interest.

She took the magazine from him and the chocolates that he'd grabbed for Rhona and smiled, "Andy told me you were back," Andy and Alicia were married, they had two young children together as well as Jake and Sarah. Adam had filled him in on everyone that had come and gone over the four years, it was strange to find that not much had actually changed, he didn't mind though in fact the familiarity was very comforting.

"Yeah," Aaron responded, her question didn't really require an answer.

"You off anywhere nice?"

He'd never really had much to do with Alicia and so really didn't want to bother with all this small talk, he'd had to endure it with a few people. "Paddy and Rhona's, their making tea."

"That's nice." Yeah it was and what a stupid thing to say, Aaron knew this but he was more put out by the way she was looking at him as he handed over the ten pound note. Alicia looked like she really wanted to say something, "It's good to see you looking so well," she added whilst giving back Aaron's change and smiled broader than necessary, it made Aaron uncomfortable.

He just eyed her warily, "thanks." That was the third person who had commented on his well-being in an off handed, loaded way. Yesterday Betty had injected that it was 'nice to see him doing so well in light of everything that happened' and on Saturday Brenda had been making noises in the café. The crazy women had been going on about how great it was that 'he'd gotten through such a terrible time', this was when he'd first bumped into Jackson and so Aaron had been seriously distracted. Now though he couldn't help but wonder how much everyone knew and exactly what they were all talking about. Everyone was aware vaguely about all the suicide attempts and he'd had to endure a few comments years ago, so he didn't understand the fuss now and surely his behaviour upon leaving hadn't drawn that much attention?

Deciding not to dwell on it, Aaron retreated from the shop and headed to Paddy's. He was a little apprehensive and so focused more on that, as no doubt they were going to ask him questions about what the doctor said and he still hadn't seen Rhona since admitting his bipolar. Then of cause there was his whole coming off medication thing which now Aaron had to admit perhaps wasn't the smartest idea he'd ever had, earlier though, when he'd been horribly sick it had seemed the perfect solution.

He'd never reacted so badly to a prescription before and to be honest it scared him how violently ill he has been, but now, whilst everything was stable, Aaron realised that he'd not been off pills in four years. Suddenly stopping them could have adverse effects but there was still time though, he could just take the dosage later when he got home, this didn't have to be a problem and no one had to know.

Aaron lightly tapped Smithy Cottages front door and let himself in, Rhona was in the kitchen with Paddy and he couldn't miss the look of apprehension that fleeted their faces.

"Hay."

"Hay," Rhona had been pulling out a massive dish from the oven that clearly had lasagne baking inside, she quickly put it down and then immediately walked over and eloped him in a massive hug. Aaron recognised that this was more for her than anything else and so he stayed there, chocolates in one hand and colouring book in the other, loosely hugging back.

Paddy was leant against the counter, "Leo," he called loudly, "look who's here."

Immediately Leo came running in from the living room, he hesitated only for a second before beaming brightly and running up to Aaron, Aaron quickly hid the presents behind his back and leaned down to say hello. He couldn't sign to Leo because he had his hands full and so instead gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before magically pulling out the gift, Leo's eyes lit up and he immediately grabbed the magazine.

"ank you."

Aaron ruffled his hair and then Leo noticed the chocolates remaining in his hand; he quickly uncurled Aaron's fingers from the box and giggled delightfully as he clutched both items. Aaron laughed and turned to Rhona, "the chocolates were meant for you." Rhona approached Leo, slightly bent and then started tickling him, "well we can share them later," Leo squealed and ran away and Aaron just shook his head amused.

They waited like this for a second and then Rhona reached out to squeeze Aaron's arm before turning back to the lasagne. "drink?" Paddy offered and even though he thought he could risk maybe having a beer now, Aaron didn't want to make anyone suspicious, "coke, thanks."

Paddy passed him a can of coke and then opened one for himself, "you not having a beer?" Aaron asked and Paddy just shook his head, "nah, don't fancy one tonight." This was for his benefit, Aaron could tell, they used to do this when Aaron had came out of hospital, they wouldn't drink alcohol when he was around. There were other things as well, like meal times, Aaron had lost a lot of weight and barely had any appetite, and they'd all got into the habit of making sure he had a meal with at least one of them. Aaron had since realised that this was part of the bipolar, apparently sufferers had a decreased appetite, it didn't seem to be a problem now though because this pills balanced his desire for food.

It was funny looking back because that period of twelve months when Aaron hadn't been on medication felt like the most perfect time. Everything seemed to have fallen into place, he felt like he had so much drive and determination and that everything was fantastic. In particular it was noticeable in his relationship with Jackson; he was more publically affectionate with him, would proudly tell anyone who asked what their relationship was and had big plans for them. It sickened him to think that maybe the time that everyone had been most proud of him had been during the beginnings of this illness – it made Aaron wonder who he really was.

Rhona placed a plate down in front of Aaron and Leo, the young boy had come running to the table at the smell of food and Aaron had just laughed, he really was a funny kid. There was quiet for a moment as everyone helped themselves to salad and Aaron was distracted by Leo as he started tucking into his food, eventually Paddy spoke and Aaron realised that he was apprehensive about broaching the subject. "How did your doctor appointment go?"

Aaron scanned across from Paddy to Rhona, they'd both paused from taking a mouthful of food, "you mean to tell me that Mum hasn't called you already?"

Paddy looked sheepish, "yeah, she did," he did at least have the decency to look like he felt bad. Aaron smiled, kind of sardonically, "she'd never gonna change is she?"

"Probably not."

What could he do to convince her? She had never let up, not even in the years he'd been away. There were weekly emails and phone calls as well as parcels constantly sent out to him, but at least before he'd got to deal with it through the barrier of being on the other side of the world.

Aaron sighed and pushed his salad across his plate, suddenly not feeling very hungry and Rhona reached out a hand to gently stop him, "Aaron I'd really like to hear from you what was said."

He chatted his teeth for a second and stared at the plate, "ok," Rhona deserved to know what happened as much as anyone else, she'd taken care of him and been involved in his life and was family. "The medication can be changed here, now but it would mean staying in the UK for a bit."

"Right."

"Or I put up with the side effects and changed it with my Doctor in Dubai."

"And you've decided to wait?"

Aaron looked at Paddy and raised an eyebrow, "don't pretend you don't know the answer."

In response Paddy shifted uncomfortably, "yeah, ok," and Rhona was distracted momentarily by Leo who had presented her a piece of tomato, "Aaron, I just want to make sure that it was your decision and not your mothers."

He looked at the older man and realised that he was being too harsh, Paddy understood what his mother could be like and clearly wanted to let on that he was on his side, Aaron needed to cut him some slack. He shrugged, "she wants me to go back soon as possible."

"You know why, don't you?" Yeah he knew but instead Aaron blinked vacantly, he didn't miss them share a look and Paddy clearly geared himself up to something, "Aaron, me and your Mum found a picture of you and Jackson in your bag."

"Did you?" that was a stupid response from Aaron, he knew what image Paddy was talking about and perhaps he should have gotten angry over his privacy but in that moment he didn't have it in him.

"I think it was taken at Joe's wedding." Paddy was right, Aaron had curled himself around Jackson and had not even realised that the photographer was there; Jackson had though and in the last second, beamed back at the camera. When Joe had showed them the photo Aaron had scanned the image and reduced it to fit in his wallet, it was the soppiest thing he'd ever done and Aaron had realised what a romantic he could be. The image had also sat in Dale Head and had been one of the few things he'd taken with him when fleeing the country, in Dubai though, he'd shoved it away, unable to look at the image and yet not wanting to rip it up. He'd not removed it from its hiding place until last week, when he'd received Jackson's message.

"_Yeah_, it's from Joe's wedding."

He could see that Paddy and Rhona were confused by his lack of annoyance, "so," began Paddy reluctantly, "how come you have it?"

* * *

><p>Aaron walked slowly towards the pub, head down and hands tucked into his pockets, it was ten in the evening and outside it had grown dark although light could still be seen in the distance. He was exhausted, they'd allowed Leo to stay up until nine and he'd run Aaron ragged playing games and mostly he had to admit that he didn't mind, it at least distracted Rhona and Paddy.<p>

During dinner he'd managed to make some vague reply that he'd found the image in the room and had shoved it in the bag intending to show Jackson. His reply hadn't been that odd because Chastity had been storing his things at the pub and Rhona and Paddy had sort of believed him. They'd then proceeded to ask lots of questions about Dean, most that they'd already asked and Aaron knew what they were doing, they were testing him. He was surprised that they just didn't come out and ask if he was still in love with Jackson.

Aaron slowed as he neared the pub and looked further up the road to Dale Head, he could see the lights on in the window and suddenly imagined Jackson inside maybe watching the TV or marking his students work, it made his stomach flip. This happened every time he saw or thought about the other man, and now every part of Aaron ached to go and see him.

He hesitated and licked his lips and didn't have a clue what the hell he was doing and then immediately continued on to find Jackson.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm guessing that everyone has heard the traumatic news that Danny Miller is leaving Emmerdale – my chest restricted for a moment!<strong>


	28. Chapter 28

Aaron had felt a little deflated when Joe answered the door, he'd forgotten that someone else would even be there and yet at the same time he wasn't sure what difference it would make.

Joe grinned and stepped to the side and called out, "Jackson, you've got a visitor," any surprise he had, he'd hid well. Aaron was unsure all of a sudden and licked his lips – what was he doing here anyway? "You coming in?" Joe asked at Aaron's hesitation.

"Who is it?"

Aaron halted a second at Jackson's distracted call and then a smile spread across his lips, because actually he wasn't unsure at all, "it's me," he called and the next thing, Jackson appeared in his wheelchair.

"Hay!"

"Hay," Aaron leaned against the door frame and cocked his head, yesterday when he'd turned up, Jackson had immediately understood that something was not right and likewise tonight he seemed to sense that Aaron was ok, "you coming in?"

"It's not too late is it?"

Jackson had just grinned, "no I don't turn into a pumpkin until midnight."

He didn't need to be asked twice, Aaron then smiled at Joe as he shut the door behind him and ignored the knowing look on his face. He followed Jackson into the living room and then sat down at the other man's insistence, Joe looked between the two of them, "I'll be upstairs." Aaron barely noticed when he left, especially as Jackson was talking to him, "I'm glad you came round actually, this morning you left in a hurry, and I wanted to make sure you were ok."

This morning seemed a million years ago, he'd had arguments, done a disappearing act, visited the doctors, missed a dosage of his medication – so much had happened, every day seemed so hectic. Aaron shifted on the sofa as Jackson positioned his chair next to him, "sorry, I just wanted to get things sorted with my Mum – I hadn't meant to run off and worry you."

Jackson quickly dismissed him, "Oh I wasn't worried," he then paused and cocked an eyebrow and Aaron knew he was wearing a matching expression, "Ok, so I was a bit worried."

"Well thank you but I'm fine."

"And you and your Mum?" For a moment Aaron felt unbelievably sad, he licked his lips and hoped it didn't show on his face, and tried to sound positive, "nothing's changed, same as always."

"Good," Jackson responded slowly and had a squint in his eye like he was trying to read the meaning of the reply. This was the thing about Jackson; he could tell every mood of Aaron's and every gesture – there had never been any secrets between them and now it was killing him that he'd not spoken about his bipolar. Aaron just shifted and shoved his hands into his pockets, "you sure that everything's ok?" this was the perfect opportunity to tell Jackson everything but then he hadn't come here for that. He'd already had numerous intense conversations today and for now he just wanted to laugh and joke the way they used to and the way they'd proved they still could, but he would tell Jackson soon.

"I'm fine, honest."

Jackson seemed to sort of believe him and in response bowed his head exaggeratedly and pursed his lips together, "in that case, would you like tea?" Aaron cocked his head in an equal excessively manner and couldn't help the smile, "I'd love one."

"Better make it yourself then."

"You're a terrible host, just sitting in that chair making your guest do all the work!" he stood up, making a show of having to move. "You're not a guest!"

"What am I then?" Aaron leant against the kitchen door frame as he'd said this, looking back at Jackson and hadn't realised how loaded the question was, he licked his lips at the sudden intense look on the other man's face. Jackson was silent for a moment and then he gave a small smile that was just as loaded, "you're Aaron."

They remained looking at each other, neither ready to break eye contact and Aaron felt his heart beat faster, he wondered if Jackson felt the same.

"Jackson!" Joe called hurriedly as he ran down the stairs, it caused Aaron to straighten and Jackson looked startled.

"What's wrong?" Joe had his mobile against his ear and started checking his pockets, "Lilly's on the phone, she said that Sammy's swallowed something, we need to get her to the hospital." Aaron couldn't remember if Sammy was his eldest or youngest daughter.

"Is she ok?"

"I'm sure she is," he hastily walked over to the dining room table to grab his car keys, "Lilly went in to check they were asleep and walked in on Sammy on the floor, putting something in her mouth." Aaron looked on concerned; Joe was darting around the room and he'd never seen him look so agitated, he then stopped just in front of Jackson's wheelchair, "I'm going to call Sarah, get her to spend the night here."

"I can call Sarah."

"Yeah?"

"Of cause – just go!" Joe didn't even hesitate at Jackson's words, he just rolled his eyes and gave an odd smile that Aaron didn't quite understand, once the front door closed he turned to Jackson, "why was he smiling?"

"This is the third time in two months that Sammy's done this," Aaron's eyes widened in surprise, "she'd two years old and quite a handful, she'll be fine."

"Yeah?"

Jackson just smiled, "Of cause they need to get her checked out but I'm sure everything will be ok."

"Right." The pair of them stayed like that for a moment, neither knowing what to say and then Jackson a broke the silence by sighing loudly, "better call Sarah then."

"I could…" Aaron trailed off and Jackson raised an eyebrow in question, the idea had formed in his mind before he'd even realised, but he knew he wasn't against it, "I could stay with you tonight if you like," Aaron felt the blush rise to his cheeks.

Jackson hesitated and just looked at him but seemed to be seriously mulling over the idea, "…no it's fine -."

"- I don't mind," there was silence but Aaron could tell he wanted to say yes, "I stayed on the couch last night didn't I? What difference does it make if I do it again?"

"This is different."

"Why?"

He watched Jackson grin out of the corner of his mouth all embarrassed but he was smiling as well, "you'd have to put me into bed."

"So what?" Aaron shrugged, "I've done it hundreds of times before." Jackson just licked his lips, "I've done it hundreds of times before… literally."The small smile stayed on Jackson's mouth, "If you're sure…"

"I am." Jackson waited, gauging Aaron and then he changed the subject, "you going to make that tea then?"

"I will."

Aaron managed to make the tea, easily finding everything and then paused momentarily as he felt the message buzz on his mobile, he retrieved the phone from his pocket and noted there was a message from his Mum asking him if he was having a nice night. Aaron checked the time and realised it was nearly eleven and this was he mothers discreet way of checking he was coming home soon, he immediately rolled his eyes and turned it off – he wanted peace from her.

"Here you go," Aaron inserted the mug in the holding attachment of Jackson's wheelchair and positioned it within easy reach of Jackson, he then settled back onto the sofa making himself comfortable. "Thanks," Jackson took a sip through the straw and smiled appreciatively, Aaron realised that this was the first time they'd be truly alone, no carers upstairs or ready to return – just the two of them all night, it made Aaron a little nervous.

"So what have you been up to today then?"

Aaron was glad that Jackson re-opened the conversation, because he didn't have a clue where to start, "not a lot, just had tea with Paddy and Rhona, you?"

"I had a busy day today."

"Yeah?" he wasn't sure what the pair of them were meant to be talking about but daily goings on seemed to be what they were sticking to, not that Aaron was sure what else they should be discussing. Maybe it should be that he was manic depressive and maybe it should be that he'd not taken his pills that evening but then that would mean Jackson wouldn't do much talking and Aaron just wanted to sit there and listen to his voice.

"Yeah, I had group therapy this morning," Jackson had mentioned he was a counsellor before; it was to help people like himself who had gone through life changing accidents, he'd been doing it for the last three years. "And this afternoon I have been writing."

"Writing?"

"Yeah it's for my new book; I started a few weeks ago."

It was crazy to think of Jackson as everything he had become since they'd been together, he was a teacher, an author and a councillor, Aaron couldn't be more proud, especially considering what he'd been like after the accident. He rested his elbow on the arm of the sofa and sipped on his tea, "you have been busy."

"Yeah well," Jackson seemed slightly sad, "It's important to contribute, can't sit on my arse all day being feed and having my chin wiped." It seemed to Aaron that it was essential that Jackson constantly fuelled his sense of worth, from what they'd discussed he never just took it easy, never took a break, never wanted to be a burden. In fact not wanting to be a burden was how they'd ended up in this mess in the first place but Aaron didn't want to dwell on it and so he shook himself off and changed the subject, "what's the book about?"

"I'm not telling."

"Come on."

"No."

"Is it about you again?" Aaron knew he'd written a book about his accident and also some short stories.

"No, how vein do you think I am?"

"So what's it about then?"

Jackson shook his head, "you can read it when it's in print." But Aaron eyed him and he could tell that Jackson's resolve was crumbling, "I haven't even told the publishers yet!"

"_So_, I'm more important." Jackson lowered his head and waited and then he cleared his throat, "Ok, don't laugh!" Aaron couldn't even believe he'd just said that and gestured for him to continue, Jackson took a deep breath, "It's set in the day of a man and it's just about what happens to him."

Aaron squinted, "so what happens to him?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" he didn't get it and Jackson was looking at him embarrassed, "Yeah nothing happens."

They sat in silence and eventually after a moment Jackson continued, "it's about a man who works from home and orders takeaways and speaks to family online and doesn't think he needs anyone yet he has all these pets."

Aaron had always struggled with these things and he shifted in his chair, "right." This caused Jackson to gently snort, "it's meant to be a metaphor about how in this day and age the technology that should bring us together makes us more lonely." Jackson had always been cleverer than him and yet he'd never been quite so much like this, Aaron shook his head softly, "you know when I first met you, you were smart and everything but I had no idea you could be like this."

"Like this?"

"Yeah," Aaron cocked his head, "so… deep. The accident changed you so much." He remembered the exact day he had come to this realisation, it had been when Aaron had had to type up Jackson's essay all those years ago, he'd been blown away by the content and couldn't help but be awed by his boyfriend.

"Well, when you can't move there's not a lot going on accept your thoughts," he smiled ruefully at Aaron, "you're a lot deeper than you like to think as well though, I know you feel more than you pretend."

Aaron blinked heavily and just stared at Jackson, both of them had long ignored their tea and he just couldn't take his eyes off the other man, he'd never been able to have these conversations with anyone but this person.

"Are you him Jackson, are you the lonely man?"

There was a moment where Aaron thought he wouldn't respond and then Jackson lowered his eyes before answering, "no."

He wasn't sure that this was the truth, and when he replied it was spoken softly, "what about that guy you were seeing, don't you miss him?"

"No," Jackson's response was small.

"Did you finish with him because you didn't want to be a burden, just like you did with me?"

This seemed painful and Jackson squeezed his eyes shut, "no."

"Really?"

Jackson raised his head and his eyes bore straight into him and Aaron shuddered at their intensity. "I finished it… because I know what it's like to love someone and to want to give everything to him; and my feelings didn't even come close to that."

Aaron just swallowed hard.

And just like always the moment was interrupted by something and someone, this time it was Jackson's phone and Joe calling to let them know that Sammy was fine and they hadn't found anything in the x-ray, which meant Lilly had imagined it. This also meant that he could return if Sarah wasn't there yet. Aaron head had shot up and he knew a look of panic fleeted his expression, Jackson equally seemed dismayed.

"Don't worry mate, Sarah is going to be here any minute and she's on first thing in the morning anyway, she might as well continue her journey rather than turn around – she didn't mind." Aaron held his breath and then after a bit more conversation, the call was ended, "why did you lie?" he asked and Jackson just licked his lips, "because we don't need them."

They didn't did anyone, this was all Aaron knew as he plonked his cup of now cold tea on the floor and rested his head against the sofa back, he then rubbed his eyes aggressively. The strange intense atmosphere from earlier had shifted and now Jackson was smiling at him knowingly, "you're tired."

"No I'm not."

"Yeah, that's the fourth time you've rubbed your eyes like that. I know you Aaron livesy, which means you are ready for sleep."

Aaron snorted, "Yeah and I know you Jackson, you won't admit that you're tired ever, you just end up falling asleep in that chair."

"Yeah well," Jackson grinned, "that's the benefits of being a tetraplegic, I'm already always sitting down

They waited a moment both smiling at one another and then Aaron licked his lips softly, "well I better take you to bed then," it was meant to sound as cheeky as it did and Jackson just laughed.

At the top of the stairs Aaron waited as Jackson's wheelchair unclicked from the lift, he'd not been upstairs other than to use the bathroom the previous evening and he didn't know which room Jackson had taken residence of. He nodded to the furthest room, "I took the biggest one for my bedroom."

"Figures."

Inside Aaron immediately looked around curiously and the first thing his eyes settled on was the double bed in the centre. He recognised it straight away as the one the pair of them had bought together as those years ago. The bed was actually two parts which meant you could lower them individually or adjust the head setting, so that if one wanted to sit up the other could still lie down. This had never really been an issue for Aaron and Jackson though because they'd always wanted to be where the other one was any way.

"Still got the bed then?" Aaron said absently, they'd had some great times in the bed and lazy mornings and early nights, pigging out on bacon sandwiches and watching rubbish TV.

"Yeah I couldn't get rid of it, I was once told it was the most comfortable bed in the world," Aaron grinned because it was him who said those words many years ago. He remembered when exactly, it was a rainy weekend and they were curled up in bed, contemplating watching a film, Aaron had rolled Jackson into his arms and Jackson had asked if he wouldn't rather go to the pub. He had just shook his head and said, "You, me and the most comfortable bed in the world – what more could I want?"

They were great times, and they were the most perfect times.

Aaron sat down on the bed and looked at Jackson, "so what do you want to wear then?"

"Just grab a t-shirt and some shorts from the second draw." It was funny because Aaron had done the hundreds of times and yet now he felt incredibly nervous, for some reason his fingers couldn't work the buttons on Jackson's shirt. He swallowed hard, aware of Jackson's eyes on him and the silence in the room. Once finally undone he allowed the shirt to fall open and rested his gaze on Jackson's torso, the defined body that he'd had had all those years ago had long gone and yet he was still slender and his stomach still had the perfect flatness that Aaron had loved to kiss during their love making.

Aaron gave a small smile and then moved towards his trouser belt, loosening it before undoing the button and zip of Jackson's trousers. He knew the routine, he'd done it countless times – undo all the clothing, tug his trousers down and then lean Jackson forward and rest him against you as you remove the shirt. The first part was done easily but then when it came to his top Aaron had pulled Jackson towards him and he'd immediately felt hot breath against his neck and Jackson's stubble touching his cheek, Aaron stopped breathing. This was the closest they'd been in four years and now he felt as if he'd come home, four years of not touching Jackson and not being with him – what a waste.

"You ok?" asked Jackson and Aaron knew it was because he seemed to be taking ages, but really he just wanted to savour the closeness. Jackson clearly didn't mind though he just had a small smile at the corner of his mouth and Aaron took a deep shuddering breath, trying to steady himself, "yeah."

Once in bed Aaron stood over him, he loosely tucked the covers around Jackson's frame and stepped back, and cocked his head, "So how did I do?"

"Like you never forgot." He hadn't, how could he? Jackson had been his whole world and he'd done everything for him.

"Good."

"Yeah."

And then neither of them said a word, instead both just looking at each other until eventually Aaron shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged awkwardly, "right then, I'll be downstairs if you need me." He could see the hard jaw set on Jackson and the tension in his face was evident, Aaron smiled ready to turn but was stopped by quiet words, "you could sleep here."

Aaron stopped, "here?"

"Yeah."

He let out an unsteady breath, "Yeah… ok."

He pulled off his boots and jeans, remaining in his T-shirt and underwear only and Jackson had watched as he undressed. Aaron was going to climb into bed and spend the night with Jackson just like he should have been doing for the last four years; he positioned himself as close as he could without invading Jackson's pillow and turned on his side so that he could look at the other man.

They used to sleep hand in hand and Aaron now desperately wanted to reach out but he stayed still and then Jackson called out for lights off and he still didn't. Instead the pair of them just watched each other, even when they couldn't see and then when they'd adjusted to the dark, they continued gazing, Aaron wasn't sure when he fell asleep.


	29. Chapter 29

Jackson wasn't sure how long he'd been awake, he just lay with his head turned, quietly staring at the beautiful sight of Aaron Livesy sleeping. Aaron's eyes were gently closed, his lips slightly parted, and Jackson could feel his soft breath collide with him in waves. At some point during the night, Aaron had shifted and his head now lay on Jackson's pillow. They were almost against one another, and when Jackson looked down, he saw that their hands were entwined. He didn't dare move or make a sound, this needed to last forever.

There were all sorts of questions he should be asking, like what was going on between them and what about Dean and, mostly, was there _even _anything going on between them? He didn't want to though, he just wanted to enjoy this moment.

Aaron stirred and it made Jackson freeze as if he was some deer caught in headlights, and when Aaron's eyes opened, he looked back, momentarily confused. This didn't last long, though, because after seconds, his eyes flickered to their linked fingers and he gazed back up at Jackson. They were laying perfectly parallel, the smallest of space between their lips. They lay like this for the longest time and Jackson could see the rise and fall of Aaron's chest, and then, slowly, Aaron inched forward hesitantly. Jackson lost his breath as Aaron's lips paused just short of his own.

"Aaron," he breathed, but he didn't understand why. Aaron then closed the gap between them and gently caught Jackson's lips, and Jackson felt himself respond. Their lips stayed locked as they stilled against one another, exchanging oxygen. Jackson savoured the feel of Aaron's beard against his own and the softness of his nose. And then Aaron was moving away and Jackson looked at him bewildered as he pulled back the duvet cover, kicking it onto the floor, and then reached over Jackson to the side of the bed. "What are you doing?" He barely dared ask and instantly felt the head of the bed rise, Aaron seemed intently concentrating on the control panel; he was knelt on the bed, breathing deeply.

"Aaron, what…?" The remote was dropped once Jackson was fully sitting and he looked at Aaron who didn't pause before darting back over and capturing Jackson's mouth once more, this time deepening the kiss and pulling back slowly.

"I want to be with you," Aaron whispered as he held Jackson's head in both of his hands. His head was turned and he felt lips rest against his ear. He rolled his head closer and Aaron's hot breath filled every one of his senses. "I know you want to be with me too."

He couldn't deny it and he didn't want to either. "Jackson," Aaron continued, breathily, "I want to make love to you." Jackson paused, letting those words wash over him. This was happening, Aaron wanted him and Jackson thought he might collapse. He nodded and then, before thinking, turned his head to catch Aaron's top lip between his teeth. Their noses collided and they merged together, kissing each other slowly and yet hungrily. Aaron pulled back and, still kneeling in front of Jackson, started removing his own top carefully, only braking eye contact when his t-shirt was pulled over his head. He then moved onto his underwear and Jackson could immediately see Aaron was hard.

He couldn't understand it, how could Aaron be hot for him? How could he have this effect on the other man?

Jackson swallowed hard and bit his bottom lip as Aaron gently stroked himself and moved back in for another searing kiss; he once again gripped Jackson's face and then slowly trailed kisses down his neck, stopping short of where his sensation ended. Even after all this time, Aaron could still remember the exact spot where he could no longer feel and it completely overwhelmed Jackson. He continued to lay there as Aaron sucked and nibbled him, and when Jackson glanced down, he could see Aaron messily stroking himself, moving his hand up and down, and then lower it to pull on the skin wrapping his testicles. Aaron's breathing was coming out heavier and he used his free hand to guide Jackson's mouth back towards his lips, his eyes remained open the whole time and Jackson stared into them. Their kiss slowed and Jackson felt Aaron's smile against him. The younger man then sat back slightly and studied Jackson's face; he reached forward for the hem of Jackson's T-shirt.

For the first time, he felt panic. "What are you doing?"

Aaron froze and blinked heavily for a moment, he seemed genuinely confused. "I want to see you…''

"No."

He slipped his thumb just underneath the T-shirt and Jackson watched him minutely stroke his stomach. Jackson couldn't feel it and it made him sick. "What's wrong?" breathed Aaron.

Jackson squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head, he barely made a sound as he spoke, "I don't want you to see this disgusting, useless body."

"You're not disgusting or useless."

He snorted vehemently. "Try saying that whilst looking at a colostomy bag."

Jackson was suddenly aware of his head being forcibly raised; Aaron was holding him so tightly that Jackson instantly struggled.

"Look at me." He couldn't and so Aaron shook his head slightly, "_look_ at me!" When Jackson opened his eyes, Aaron was angrily staring back and was so close that he stole Jackson's air. "I don't care," Aaron's voice broke slightly. "I've never given a fuck!"

He let go aggressively and Jackson felt his head rock against the pillow. They both watched one another breathing heavily and Jackson couldn't ignore the desperate, pleading look. "I don't care, Jackson, I never have." He could see Aaron's hand move back towards his t-shirt hem slowly, still imploring, and Jackson swallowed hard. "I know," he barely replied, and then, swallowing the sickly feeling, he nodded his permission. Aaron nodded back. "It's going to be ok," he whispered forcefully.

"I know."

Aaron pulled Jackson against himself and kissed him. He was aware that his top was being lifted and pulled over his head, the entire time Aaron had pressed himself into Jackson's neck, licking and sucking. Jackson was lowered back onto the pillow, he was instantly so conscious of the colostomy bag and felt shame flame his cheeks, but Aaron reached out and touched the skin around it, "I don't care."

Of course he didn't, he never had; this was always Jackson's hang up.

Next, Aaron pulled off his shorts, tugging a little harder to get them over Jackson's hips, and once removed, he was completely naked. Jackson looked between their bodies and noticed the stark contrast; Aaron's torso was taut and lightly defined, and he had a sprinkling of hair against his dark skin. Jackson's body was just pale and slack, he had skinny chicken legs, and couldn't deny how much this upset him – not yet thirty and with the body of an old man.

Aaron was just smiling softly, lapping up what he saw, his eyes roaming up and down Jackson's form, resting every now and again on his face, and Jackson couldn't deny his apprehension. Eventually, Aaron fell forward to recapture Jackson's lips and this time the kisses were even more intense. He watched Aaron move one of his hands lower to resume stroking himself and Jackson just couldn't understand how Aaron could be so aroused, but he was, and in response it spurred Jackson on.

Their faces started whirling around, wrestling through the kiss. They were desperately entwined and fighting for dominance as they sucked on each other's tongue. "Aaron?"

"Mmm," Aaron responded distractedly as he pulled back and kissed the tip of Jackson's nose.

"Use my hand…"

"Your hand?"

"Yeah." The corners of Jackson's mouth curled into a smile at Aaron's bewildered expression, "I want you to touch yourself with my hand."

Aaron's breathing hitched.

And this was it, this was the moment that full realisation hit Jackson because Aaron didn't care, he _really_ didn't care. It was clear to read in Aaron's eyes that he felt stupidly lucky and overwhelmed. Aaron cautiously reached out and picked up his hand, he rested it against his own chest and then lowered it slowly. When his hand reached Aaron's penis, he could see Aaron's eyes roll into the back of his head. Aaron immediately fell forward and put out an arm to steady himself, and maybe Jackson couldn't feel what was happening, but it didn't stop this from being amazing. He watched his own hand being curled around the base of Aaron's cock and then slowly moving up and down. His own breathing hitched and Aaron's eyes tightly closed as he let out a whine.

They continued like this for a few more strokes. Aaron lifted his head and grinned at Jackson through his heavy breathing, before falling forwards, retaking Jackson in a kiss and swinging his leg to be positioned in Jackson's lap. Jackson looked down to see Aaron grab his other hand, using them both to work up and down his penis and over his chest. He leaned closer and Jackson took this opportunity to trap one of Aaron's nipples between his teeth, which made Aaron call out.

Jackson kept him there, sucking harder and harder, and he could see from the erratic breathing and the way Aaron's head was thrown back that he was close. Jackson was being jarred about by the force and motion of his hands moving across Aaron and this was such a mind fuck. "Kiss me," he demanded hungrily and Aaron instantly threw his lips against Jackson's. Once there, he pulled on Aaron's bottom lip, sucking just as hard, and then Aaron was cuming, shaking through his orgasm and clashing against Jackson's teeth as he did.

He jerked a few times and their lips never left one another. Aaron slumped forward, breathing heavily against the side of Jackson's mouth. Jackson couldn't help his grin. "You ok?" Aaron asked, with an exhausted smile. In response, Jackson just nodded.

After a few minutes, Aaron pulled back and studied Jackson's face. He gently wiped a hand against his cheek and then allowed his thumb to slowly travel across Jackson's bottom lip. Jackson kissed it and neither of their breathing was yet regular. Both of them were smiling coyly and Aaron glanced down and he suddenly started laughing.

"What?"

Immediately, Jackson's hands were raised in front of him and he instantly noticed they were covered in Aaron's cum. There was a second delay and then both of them were laughing. Still laughing, Aaron leant in again and they kissed. Jackson thought he was so overwhelmed, he might cry.

Aaron grinned and pressed a kiss to the corner of Jackson's mouth. "I better get you cleaned up."

"OK."

Perhaps they should have been figuring out what the hell had just happened, but Jackson didn't want to, because he liked the way that Aaron was lowering the top of the bed. He liked how Aaron was resting his head against his chest, he liked how he was positioning his arms around him and, especially, he liked the way they were drifting back to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>I hope everyone really enjoyed this chapter and a special<strong>** thanks to Sylvain for beta reading.**


	30. Chapter 30

Sarah wrestled with the contents of her bag, grappling in the pockets and rummaging around the bottom, this happened almost daily. Common sense would have her place the keys to Dale Head in a particular place, ensuring that when she next needed them, they would be at hand. But Sarah had never had much common sense and when she realised they were actually in her jacket pocket, she wacked herself lightly on the head.

Snorting at her haphazard ways, Sarah let herself into the house, stopping short immediately when she realised there was something wrong. "Hello?"

The house was completely still, a complete opposite from what she expected to find. It was nine a.m. and usually by now Jackson would be dressed, having eaten his breakfast and Joe would be readying himself for her to take over. Instead, the silence that greeted her was unnerving. "Jackson, Joe?"

Nothing. It was then that Sarah realised that Joe's car had not been outside. "Jackson!" Her call was louder this time and she ran up the stairs. Perhaps something had happened to Jackson, perhaps Joe had to take him to the hospital, perhaps he was ill. Sarah knew this had happened before, but then surely Joe would have called her.

"Jackson?" She burst into his room and instantly stopped short, mouth hanging open and eyes bulging. Because in his bed, looking completely startled, was Jackson Walsh and, wrapped around him, was Aaron, seeming momentarily confused. They were both completely naked.

Sarah froze, her arm outstretched in some kind of gesture of apology, and Aaron just scrambled for the sheet that half lay at the bottom edge of the bed. "I'm so sorry!" Hurriedly, Sarah backed out of the room, tripping over a piece of loose carpet by the door and crashing onto the landing. She made a complete racket as she smacked against the wall and then silence filled the air. "I'm sorry," she called out meekly and then bunched up her fist and shoved it into her mouth to silence the laughter that threatened to escape.

Sarah couldn't help it, she was giddy with excitement. She knew it, all that rubbish about Jackson and Aaron just being friends, well now she had proof and she couldn't wait to wind up Jackson and hear the details. She was about to tiptoe off the landing and wait downstairs, not entirely sure what to do in these circumstances. Had Jackson been able-bodied, she'd have discreetly let herself out the front door, but he wasn't. So, did this mean she needed to wash and dress him or would Aaron do it? Sarah didn't have a clue, but the answer to that asserted itself when she heard hurried movement from the bedroom and Jackson asking Aaron where he was going.

"I've gotta go."

"Aaron…"

"I gotta go."

The grin from Sarah's face slipped and she could clearly hear the panic in Aaron's voice. A figure appeared in the doorway, it was Aaron, and he looked startled to see her standing there, he was half dressed, with jeans and boots on, but the boots' laces were undone. She wasn't sure what to say and Aaron's eyes dropped, there was a pause before he hastily lifted his arms to throw on his t-shirt. As he did, Sarah spotted the scars, several thick lines decorating his left forearm, and she silently gasped, momentarily forgetting the real reason they were standing there. Aaron brushed past her and was down the stairs before she could register where he was going. She'd meant to apologize to him, she meant to try and get Aaron to stay because the whole time, Jackson was calling out to him. She didn't, though, and all she could think about were those scars.

Sarah didn't know for sure, but she could easily guess where they were from because she'd read Jackson's book. She knew the story of Aaron cutting into his arm, trying to desperately prove how easy it would be to end his life. It had been explained to her that whilst in the psychiatric hospital, Aaron would cling to anything that helped to continue his self-mutilation. Then, before Aaron left for Dubai, she knew how he'd started cutting himself again.

Sarah had to admit that when she first met Aaron, he had been wildly different from the man she'd imagined; the scars were a sharp reminder of who he could be.

"Sarah?" Jackson was calling out to her, his voice sounded feeble. She walked towards him and rounded the corner into his room. "You OK?" she asked, but it wasn't necessary because the expression on Jackson's face said it all, he looked aghast.

"Where's he gone?"

"He's left."

"Why?"

Sarah couldn't give Jackson an answer; in fact she could barely look at him. He lay horizontally and naked, barely covered by the duvet that had been pulled up, and he stared wildly at the ceiling. His whole world seemed to have collapsed. "What happened?" she asked.

"I don't know."

* * *

><p>Aaron didn't as much as step outside, he more crashed, and he didn't walk down the ramp to the street, he stumbled. His head was clamped between his hands and he looked back towards Dale Head. He was outside? Why was he outside? He wanted to be inside with Jackson, so why had he left? It was shock. The shock of Sarah walking in on them, the immediate guilt at being found out. But now, standing on the road, Aaron felt ridiculously stupid.<p>

Behind him, Aaron heard the slow of an engine and he spun round to find Adam parking his quad bike and removing his helmet. Adam grinned at Aaron and leant heavily against the handle bars. "Was texting you all last night."

Aaron scratched his head; he should go back inside to Jackson. "Yeah?"

"See how you got on with your Mum and the doctors." Was that only just yesterday? Aaron felt like it was a hundred years ago, so much had happened since then. He thought for a second, wondering what day it was. "What day is it?" he asked absently. Adam looked at him strangely. "It's Wednesday."

Wednesday. Had it really only been five days since he set foot in this village?

"Are you alright?"

He was fine and he should get back inside to Jackson. Aaron's reaction had been beyond daft and he could easily imagine Jackson now, probably sad and alone. Why had he run? There was no reason for it, they'd done nothing wrong.

Adam looked at him for a minute and climbed off the quad, he took a few steps forward and then stopped, he was watching Aaron's feet instead of his face. "Why are your laces undone?"

Because he'd run out of the house in a complete flap – and now felt like such an idiot. Aaron turned to glance at Dale Head and licked his bottom lip; he could still feel the ghost of sensation from Jackson's kisses.

"Aaron, what's going on?" Aaron spun round to glance back at Adam. "Nothing."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Aaron knew he wasn't being very convincing, because Adam kept looking at his laces, then at his face and then to Dale Head. "Have you just been with Jackson?" Aaron realised that Adam could mean two things by this question. Either 'been' as in, 'hanging out' or '_been_' as in, 'having sex'. Although really this was irrelevant because whatever Adam meant by 'been', the answer was still yes.

Adam just watched him and Aaron took a nervy breath and gave a defiant eye, "yes… and?" There was another glance down to Aaron's footwear and Adam seemed to be steeling himself. "Look mate, I know this is none of my business…"

"You're right, it isn't."

"Something's happened between you and Jackson, hasn't it?" Aaron wondered if he could be read just as easily by everyone else. He wondered if upon returning to his mother, she would also know, and maybe Paddy and Rhona. Also Leo, now that would be amusing if Leo figured it out. Cain would probably give him a slap on the back and say 'well done'. But then again, he'd never been comfortable with two men together, so maybe, really, Cain would just pretend he didn't know.

Aaron blinked several times, realising that Adam was still talking to him. "I just want to be a mate, Aaron. You can tell me what's going on; I'm not going to start freaking out like your Mum would."

He'd missed most of what Adam was saying, but the ending seemed to be the most important part. He looked into the honest expression of his friend, who had seen him through all kinds of crap. "OK, yeah, something happened. I've just had sex with Jackson." It was said fairly frankly and Aaron should not have been surprised when Adam's eyes bulged slightly. "OK," Adam began, after a second of pause, "so, what now?"

He was taking this better than Aaron thought, especially since at the farm on Sunday, he'd surmised Aaron's reason for returning and Adam had freaked a little. Maybe he'd just had time to digest it all since then.

"I don't know."

"Is this just a fling?"

"No!" All he knew was that he and Jackson belonged together, but the logistics of it made everything tricky. This was the problem. He lived in Dubai, he had a boyfriend in Dubai, a job in Dubai. Jackson was here with his wheelchair access, staircase lift, two live-in carers along with book deals and teaching.

In front of him, Adam moved closer. Aaron looked up to see the concerned expression and watched him reach out a friendly arm to his shoulder. "So, what's going on then?"

Aaron glanced to where the hand landed, it felt weird. He swore the tiny receptors in his flesh suddenly stood to attention, pulsating and grabbing at the information of this new heavy weight. He could feel them communicating quickly, passing on the information as if it was something too hot to hold.

"Aaron?"

The message was in his spinal cord now, about to meet his brain matter, and the passage that it travelled was on fire. Aaron shifted his shoulder gently and Adam dropped his hand. The information seized and the tunnel turned cold, Aaron thought he could feel icicles forming.

"I don't know. I need to figure this out with Jackson." Aaron then turned back to Dale Head and left his friend by the side of the road. A last thought came to mind and he called back, "Don't tell anyone, Adam."


	31. Chapter 31

Jackson lay on his bed, eyes wildly scanning the ceiling and glaring rigidly, trying to stare off the tears. Above him, Sarah stood rigidly. She didn't seem to know what to do or even how to move. Her mouth was the only part in motion, it moved minutely, like fishes' in water. "I'm sorry that happened, Jackson."

Not as sorry as he was. "Get me up."

He wasn't angry with her or even upset. He was empty and, if he could feel, cold. He should still have a massive lump draped across his waist right now, with two appendages wrapped around his frame. He should have Aaron. Jackson couldn't understand it. They'd been entwined together in this blissful state, alternating between awake and asleep, but never being quite either. At times, Aaron would gaze at him and when Jackson looked down, he could see lazy lines being drawn along his leg. Then Jackson would sleep, and then Aaron, and Jackson would listen to his heavy breathing. He didn't know how long this lasted, it could have been an hour, it could have been more, Jackson knew it wasn't enough.

"Sarah, get me up." He couldn't lie there anymore, the ghost of Aaron still around him. Sarah stayed still and then suddenly jerked as if she'd been pushed from behind. She pulled the duvet up higher to protect his modesty and reached for the control of his bed. Jackson could see the million questions ready to spill out from her mouth, but he couldn't handle them at the moment. He didn't want to explain how they'd ended up in bed, but more than this, he was fearful of the ones he couldn't answer. Like 'why do you think Aaron ran off?' and 'what happens next?'

Neither he nor Sarah said a word as Jackson was sat up. The sound of the bed's mechanism was unnaturally loud against the silence, intensifying the atmosphere. He was feeling lost, he didn't know what to do next. Did he get dressed and roll around the village looking for Aaron? Did he tell him that the last four years were a mistake and that they belonged together? Or simply, did he allow this morning just to be a memory, something that caused an occasional small smile? That last option made Jackson feel sick and there was a very real risk of it happening.

"I need to find Aaron."

"Do you want a shower first?"

"No, just get me…" The front door squeaked open and caused Jackson's sentence to trail off. He eyed Sarah desperately. It had to be Aaron; he needed it to be him. Footsteps immediately sounded on the stair case. A creaking followed the length of the hallway. A shadow curled around his bedroom door, across the wall and Jackson held his breath. It was Aaron, hands shoved deep in his pockets and shoulders hunched up.

Aaron didn't speak. Instead, he swallowed several times and Jackson could tell he was trying to pretend Sarah wasn't there. He rested his cheek against the door frame and was staring steadily at him. Jackson could see embarrassment flush his skin, or was it shame? Was he ashamed of what had happened? Was he back to make it clear to Jackson that this was a one-off, that they could never be together again? Jackson didn't want this, but then the reality of the other option hit him square in the face. The other option meant they _were_ together, meant they were _back_ together, dating, in a relationship,_ together. _With everything that went with it.

"I'll leave you two alone. Jackson, call my mobile if you want me, I'll be at the café."

Jackson licked his lips, barely aware of Sarah as she left. He was too absorbed in what '_Together'_ would entail. He knew what it would mean. Aaron would move back here. Give up his job. Leave his boyfriend. Return to the UK to change Jackson's colostomy bag and wheel him to the park and shove triangular-cut sandwiches into his mouth. What a life.

"What do you want?"

It was obvious that this was the last thing Aaron expected to hear, especially with the venomous tone that Jackson was using. Aaron stood up straight and narrowed his brows. "We need to talk."

"About what?"

"Us."

"There is no 'us'."

"Jackson -"

"It was a mistake."

Aaron started rubbing his head furiously. "No, it wasn't. You know it wasn't." He entered the room carefully and Jackson felt an overwhelming sense of vulnerability. He was still lying naked in the bed and the pleading tone in Aaron's voice almost made his resolve crumble. "Look, Aaron, I'm sorry." He squeezed his eyes shut, "I'm sorry if I led you on. But whatever you think is happening here, isn't."

"I don't believe that." He could hear the tremor in Aaron's voice and there was also anger.

"Why did you run off then?"

"Because," Aaron threw his arms up into the air, "I panicked."

Yeah, that was Aaron all over. Can't deal with something, runs away, upset. Then pretends it never happened. Except in this case, because Aaron had come back, he's agitated and fidgety, but he is here and a part of Jackson always knew he'd return. Even in his complete shock, he knew he wouldn't stay away long. Sometimes, it was as if Jackson was the only one Aaron ever truly cared about. An argument with anyone else would lead to days of avoidance and denial, but with Jackson, Aaron could never leave it.

Why did Aaron love him so much?

"Well, you were right to leave."

Aaron took a step closer and scraped his teeth across his bottom lip. A strange wired energy seemed to emanate from his frame. He looked around the room and then at Jackson, around the room again and back to Jackson. "You and I belong together."

"No, we don't, you belong to Dean. Do you remember him? The man you live with, in Dubai?" Jackson felt like screaming. Aaron's legs became shaky and his hand curled into a fist, his words came out angrier and louder than before. "Of course I fucking remember who Dean is…"

"… well then!"

"Well then! What the hell does 'well then' mean? You think you've just proven a point?" Aaron moved closer, shouting now, and Jackson felt his presence as he loomed over him. The air crackled with hate. Aaron stared at him furiously. It was an intimidating picture.

"My point is that you and I are never going to happen, Aaron!"

Aaron suddenly spun around erratically, throwing his foot into the chest of drawers opposite the bed, kicking as hard as he could and causing the picture frames on top to wobble dangerously. He leant against it, rattling it hard and a deodorant stick fell off. Jackson blinked rapidly, shocked by the outburst.

He turned back to Jackson, pointing irately. "Why did you sleep with me, then?" This was Aaron's trump card. He now felt that _he'd_ proven a point. Jackson could read the knowing look between Aaron's deep breaths. He needed to knock it out of him. "I didn't exactly have a choice." It was a low shot, a disgusting shot, and he watched Aaron react as if he'd been hit by a bullet.

Aaron approached, his eyes filling with angry tears. His breath came out jaggedly. "What, so I raped you now?" Jackson didn't respond. Instead, he lowered his eyes, sickened. Why won't this beautiful idiot understand? "Cause I'm pretty sure I remember you begging me to touch myself! I'm sure I remember you demanding I kiss you! I'm sure I remember you looking at me like you fucking loved me!"

Inside, Jackson snapped. "It was for old times' sake!"

"No, it wasn't!"

"What is fucking wrong with you?"

"Me?" Aaron reached down and grabbed Jackson's arms. He couldn't feel a thing but Jackson could see that his fingers were deeply pressed into his skin. Their faces were inches away and Jackson bared his teeth. "Yes, Aaron, you. What is wrong with you?" Jackson slowed down his words, wanting to punctuate every syllable. "_You have a life out there_," Jackson swallowed, "_there's nothing for you here_."

Jackson watched the realization dawn in Aaron's eyes. He could see his face blinded by rage. Aaron shook him hard and Jackson's head crashed against the pillow, its softness offering no comfort. "This isn't even about me, is it?" Aaron fumed, spitting his angry words. "This is about you and your bullshit!" Jackson's arms were released and Aaron backed off. Instead, he stabbed a finger at his face. "This is what you do. What you always do. Because you think that no one deserves to end up with someone like you!"

Jackson blinked at him, frozen by his words.

"You're just a burden to people, aren't you? That's what you think, isn't it?" It's fine that you have Joe as a best friend because you pay him. And living. It's only ok to live as long as you contribute. So, you go out and you teach summer classes and you counsel people and write books, because without them you think you are nothing!" Aaron was on a roll. "And you know what, Jackson? You are him. You are that lonely fucking man that you've written about in that stupid book of yours and you are your own reason for being lonely!"

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yes, I do. Yes, I do!" Aaron's expression was now wild. "You get rid of people who have no reason to be with you other than loving you. All this was your fault, Jackson. The last four years, we could have had a good life, but you forced me away." Jackson saw it in Aaron's eyes. The extent of his hatred, the reason he never answered any of Jackson's messages, why he's not been back in four years. It was all there, laid bare and unfurling like a creature waking up from a long sleep.

Aaron's teeth bared and his face slacked in despair as wave after wave of tears trailed his cheeks. "That's fine, Jackson. You want to be that lonely man, well, that's fucking fine." He turned around and left, and Jackson just stared.

* * *

><p><strong>So the last three chapters have been beta read by Sylvain. I hope you can all see the difference. He's made me understand how I abused commas and neglected full stops. I'm hoping you can all see a real difference in how easy it is to read.<strong>

**Thank you everyone who is still reading and your continued support and kind words.**


	32. Chapter 32

Adam watched from a distance. Across the field, he could make out the tiny ants that lazily trolled the hills. They were black and white splodges roaming aimlessly and, amongst them, were two minute specks dressed in green. Adam knew that one of them was Paddy.

Paddy had been with Andy, checking on a cow with an infection. The cattle shed had been moved to the other field years ago and it was a bit of a walk back. They really needed to invest in more farmland transport. Even now, Adam couldn't believe what they'd achieved with the business. They were suppliers of lamb, beef and pork to three major supermarkets. They bought more land years ago and started growing fruit and vegetables. They had their own brand, which was unheard of considering how small the outfit was. Their products had won awards. Adam was only twenty-six and, whenever he paused to think about it, he became overwhelmed. Only twenty-six and he built up a business like this. Even though it was alongside his Dad and Andy, it was still something.

Paddy and Andy were drawing nearer; he could now make out their legs as they swung through the grass.

Of course, it did make him wonder about a few things. He wondered if this was it. Twenty-six and deeply committed to a business, how do you move up from this? He was already a partner, already his own boss. There were no more promotions. How did he get better? How did he expand? Would he live here his entire life, slowly taking on more and more of the business as his father got older?

Maybe this was why a little part of him was jealous of Aaron. Aaron had left, moved to another country and experienced another culture. He'd met new people, tasted different food and expanded his horizons. Though, would Aaron agree? Would he say he'd ventured out or just stumbled from one place to the next, with everything just happening on the way?

Thinking back, Adam could now see it was glaringly obvious that Aaron had this condition; since knowing him, his personality had looped constantly. Adam had sat at the computer yesterday after Chastity told him about the bipolar disorder; he'd wanted to understand it, needed to know how he could help his friend. The information explained the cycle of moods; it made him recognise Aaron's more irrational reactions. He could remember the months before Aaron gave Jackson the overdose. Some days, he was on top of the world, other days, he seemed that he didn't know how to speak. He had this obsessive idea that only he could take care of Jackson. The web pages he read told him that, without proper medication, a bipolar person can react extremely to traumatic events. When Aaron came home after his overdose, he was a mess. He would flit from barely registering his surroundings to screaming in frenzy. He would smash his head against things and then drop to the floor in despair. He would question desperately why everyone kept looking at him strangely but, then, beg them not to leave him.

The crazy thing was that Aaron had not been diagnosed when he was hospitalized. It was thought to be post-traumatic stress and depression. Maybe it was still all those things.

Months later, after being discharged, there was this slow shift in Aaron. He went from happily existing to suddenly being full of life. Everyone had been completely taken aback. 'Wow,' they had all said, 'he's really turned his life around.' Who was that moody, horrible kid who moved to the village years ago? There is no trace of him now.

Adam licked his lips. In truth, he felt sad for Aaron. Yeah, he'd seen the world and lived another life but, it had happened after being dragged through the pits of hell. Adam realised that he should actually be less whiney and that he should appreciate the good and peaceful life he'd been lucky enough to experience. Only twenty-six and his biggest stress is getting a delivery out on time.

Adam was leaning against the wall, watching, his arms folded and his head rested against the red brick. Paddy and Andy had weaved through the gate leading to the area that housed the main office buildings. Paddy waved a greeting when he'd gotten close enough to realise that eyes were on him. "All right," Adam called. He pushed himself off the wall to meet Paddy in the forecourt. Andy had already split from the pair and headed towards one of the other buildings. "Hi," he responded. Paddy had a friendly expression and Adam could also tell that he wanted to talk. This was the reason that he hadn't already gone back inside. He figured that Paddy would want to mention Aaron's condition, even if it was a brief conversation. Adam had not seen him since Aaron's illness had come to light, but he could easily imagine that Paddy had taken it in his stride. He'd probably even gone home and done what he had––researched the Internet.

Aaron had earlier confessed that he and Jackson had slept together. He told Adam not to say anything and it was clearly still a secret because, otherwise, Paddy wouldn't be here. He'd be prying Chastity from the ceiling or stopping her from scratching Jackson's eyes out. What did Adam think about it all? Well, he'd be a liar if he said he wasn't worried. Adam had been concerned about Aaron's reasons for returning even before, when they all believed he was fine and living a secure life in Dubai. Now, it turns out he's been living with a mental illness. Does this make any difference? All morning he'd been trying to figure this out, and this puzzle had followed him into the afternoon. Does the bipolar disorder give Adam more reason for worrying? Has Aaron slept with Jackson because he is ill? Does this even make any sense, because, so what if Aaron is bipolar? Does this suddenly disqualify the four years he's been away? Does this twist everyone's perception of his achievements? After all, he has held down a job and gotten a promotion and lived with his boyfriend. Are all these products of his illness and therefore something equally to worry about?

It hurt his brain thinking about it. All Adam knew was that, even before Aaron left, he'd been ill. So had everything that had happened been caused by his condition? At what point do you say 'that was Aaron being Aaron' and then 'that was Aaron being ill'? Can it even be distinguished? Is it even possible or are the two 'Aarons' intrinsically linked, two parts of one whole?

Paddy stopped in front of Adam and smiled at him grimly. "I'm taking it for granted that you know about Aaron being bipolar." Adam nodded in response. He suddenly realised that he knew no further, he still didn't know if Aaron had gone to the hospital yesterday. That conversation had been eclipsed by the revelation of Aaron and Jackson sleeping together. Adam looked at Paddy cautiously. If Aaron hadn't admitted he'd gone, then he didn't want to let on. "Yeah, saw Aaron earlier."

Paddy chewed on his bottom lip, he looked incredibly solemn. "I'm worried that Chas has cornered him into staying on his current prescription until he returns home."

"Right." Adam didn't know the details of this, he scratched his head for a moment. "The other option was?" Paddy looked at him strangely and so Adam confessed, "I don't actually know what the doctor said; Aaron and I hadn't got that far." Adam could see that Paddy didn't want to continue, but then, Aaron's privacy had been breached so often that it now hardly seemed worth regretting. "The other option was to stay here for a month, until they know the new prescription is working."

"And Chas wasn't happy about this?"

"Chas isn't happy about anything that involves Aaron being around Jackson for any period of time."

She may not know it, but Chastity Dingle might have a point. Although, was she right? Adam still couldn't decide.

He chewed on his lip for a second, unsure how to broach this. "How would _you_ feel if Aaron _did_ stay here with Jackson?" He had meant for this to be a general query, spoken just as easily as if they were discussing the weather. Instead, the question sounded completely loaded. Paddy had cocked an eyebrow, "Why?"

"No reason."

"What has Aaron said to you?"

"Nothing."

Paddy sighed and dropped his head, he removed his glasses and started rubbing at his eyes. "You might as well tell me because I already know about the message Jackson sent. I also know that Aaron's been carrying an image of Jackson and him in his luggage." Adam's eyes widened, he hadn't been aware of that last part. But whilst they were trading secrets, that didn't mean he could tell Paddy about Aaron and Jackson having sex. Adam swallowed and then spoke, his words, whilst cautious, were also determined. "I don't think Aaron is returning to Dubai."

"He's said this to you?"

"No."

"So, what makes you say that, then?"

"Nothing, I just do…" It looked to Adam as if Paddy slackened. It was as if he'd been weighed down by sudden knowledge, but he didn't seem upset, just resolved. "His mother is going to hit the roof."

"Yeah," Adam agreed.

"Maybe we should be around when he tells her."

"That might be a good idea."

Paddy was nodding to himself. He was all business now. The business of making sure that, despite whatever happens, everyone gets through it calmly. He wasn't even shocked, but then, this was the thing they'd all long since learned about Aaron. Always expect the unexpected, always be on guard.

"I think you should talk to Aaron, find out what's going on in his head."

Adam agreed that this was a good idea.


	33. Chapter 33

Aaron had started to cry before he left Dale Head, but once outside, he was inconsolable. He stood at the edge of the road, rooted bewilderedly, searching left and right. The tears trailed thickly, leaving tracks across his cheeks. It was open, he was exposed, he needed to find safety. Quickly, making a snap decision, Aaron headed up the garage drive. No one was around and the business was all closed up. He walked past the building, heading towards the tree line, and he submerged himself in the forest. He couldn't handle what had just happened. He couldn't cope with another broken heart. Jackson was a bastard.

The argument kept cascading through his mind, the conversation circling over and over again. His thoughts were stuck on a loop. Aaron wandered around. The trees were dense and the early morning sunshine hadn't penetrated the air. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself and continued to cry. When he felt empty, Aaron collapsed against a tree. He contemplated never moving. Why did Jackson have to throw him away? Why couldn't he just admit that he still loved him? Yeah, it was messy and complicated, but it was worse for Aaron and he was more than prepared to get his hands dirty. His mind flashed towards Jackson's vile retort, he 'didn't exactly have a choice'. It made Aaron want to vomit, he dug his fists into his eyes, trying to blur the ugly words.

He didn't know how long he stayed there. Eventually, he heard music blaring from the garage and the clanging of tools against metal. Aaron thought he'd walked far, but when he looked slightly to his left, he saw the imposing structure of the dilapidated wooden building. It housed his uncle, working on a vehicle. He needed to remain quiet, otherwise he might be discovered. His phone rang, disturbing the peace, and he quickly muted the sound. It was Dean. Dean who never pushed him away, who never tried to get rid of him, a man who was kind and funny and who he loved. It was true, he did love Dean. He loved him just as much as he loved Jackson, and even more. That was actually a lie, something he deeply tried to convince himself of. It didn't matter how much Aaron told himself that, he knew it wasn't true. He loved Jackson so intensely, it was like an ache.

His phone rang again, this time it was his mum. It was eleven in the morning and he'd yet to show his face. He couldn't remember if he'd explained he would be out for the night. He was soon expecting a call from Paddy as well, his mother would not doubt have phoned him, the next number being the police. She could never just leave him alone, he wanted peace but she was never going to let him have it. Aaron contemplated throwing away his phone altogether, no one would find him, he could then stay perfectly in this spot. It seemed to Aaron that there was a strange stillness to the woods. There was a soft breeze that he felt against his skin, but the trees were taking their time to react. Things were in slow motion or that could have just been in comparison to the speed of his thoughts. Anything would seem like it was moving through molasses when compared to the whirling arguments and recrimination playing out in Aaron's mind.

Stupid Jackson, stupid, horrible Jackson. Suddenly, there were tears again and he couldn't breathe, he didn't want to breathe, they consumed him. The previous ones had been merely a taster, just a sample. These new ones were coiled up inside like steam in a lidded pan, building up with only the tiniest escape, and bellowing out with intense speed and heat. He felt sick and suddenly bare, this place wasn't safe, it wouldn't keep him contained. Amongst the trees, Aaron noted a dense thicket of bramble growing. He immediately curled under the foliage. He felt it curve above him, as if it were folding in over his head, it was comforting. Thorns scraped against his skin. He welcomed them; he extended an arm and dragged it across a wiry stem, aware that it was grazing his skin. The pain halted the tears. His heavy breathing receded. His eyes felt like they'd been attacked by a swarm of wasps. He hated Jackson.

Aaron didn't know how he could allow that man to do this to him again. This was the never-ending loop of their lives. Constant rejection, constant pain, Jackson's constant loneliness. 'Well, that was fine', Aaron thought, 'he's on his own'. With that singular idea, Aaron pulled his sleeve over his fist and wiped at the grimy film of his tears staining his face. He needed to do something quick, suddenly convinced that all this was easy to erase. Cause and effect, this was the answer. Do something, which is A, 'the cause', and that would equal B, 'the effect.' His dad had taught him that once, when he was very young. He'd been trying to illustrate a long forgotten point, and whilst no doubt the 'point' was instantly ignored, the inventive way it had been explained was burnt into Aaron's memory. The problem now was that Jackson was on his own, but his scent still clung to Aaron. He needed a shower. That's what he would do. That would be the cause and from this he'd feel clean, thus the effect. He and Jackson would never have happened, it would all go away and Aaron would wave it off as it circled the drain.

Getting to the pub could prove tricky, late morning was not a time to go unnoticed. Aaron couldn't tell how he looked. He felt like he'd been tied to a car and dragged a hundred miles, and he prayed that it didn't show on his face. He continued moving through the trees, not emerging until he was some distance from the garage. Immediately in front of him was the pub car park, and he stepped out before quickly retreating. A car pulled up and parked, he didn't know the occupants, but Aaron remained shrouded. He took a deep breath, ready to risk the sprint towards the back door, but then it opened and Rachel emerged with two black bin bags. Her soft swearing carried over to him as one of the bags split and Aaron just watched. His mother came out and joined her, laughing at Rachel's misfortune. He froze for what felt like hours as the two women cleared up the mess. Chastity had the big broom and Rachel was bent over with the dustpan and brush. It seemed to Aaron as if they were going excruciatingly slow, he wondered if they were doing it on purpose. Finally, after years of waiting, the coast was clear. He walked across the car park, head down, hands stuffed deep into his pockets. He was relieved to find no one in the hallway or living room or kitchen.

He'd made it; he'd gotten up the stairs, stretching his legs to take a few steps at a time. He felt good and marvelled that he'd outwitted his mother. She was always there, right on the edge, watching and taking notes. Aaron hadn't managed to outfox her over his bipolar disorder but that didn't matter. He was now at the top of the stairs and Chastity Dingle hadn't so much as popped her head out from a door. He had won. Once in the shower, Aaron's elation died like a dramatic drop of the wind. He'd been a kite soaring and weaving in the sky and then his breath had been suddenly knocked out of him; the sobs threatened to overwhelm him again. He turned the water on, letting the stream mingle with his tears. He shoved his fist into his mouth, to prevent the terrible cries trying to aggressively escape. He felt giddy and pressed his head against the steam-covered tiled wall and then he turned up the heat. He didn't stop moving the dial until he noticed the hissing noises from his lips and the cascading fire rain down, fizzling against his skin. It was enough. It had stopped the tears. He was back under control. He turned down the heat.

"Aaron?" He froze, he'd not accounted for the noise of the shower. He'd forgotten that it might alert his mother, but then, as long as it had washed his tears away, what did it matter?

"Yeah."

"You alright, love? I didn't hear you come in." Aaron turned off the shower and cleared his throat. His head was bent and droplets ran down his nose. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Where were you last night?" He'd been pressed into the small square edge of Jackson's pillow, with their hands entwined. "I was at a friend's." Aaron waited, baring his teeth, cocking an eyebrow. His breathing hitched and he let his outstretched arms take the full force of his weight. No immediate answer followed and the seconds dragged on. When Chastity finally responded, it was grave. "I see."

What did she see? Did she see the faded remnants of Jackson as the shower beat his presence from his skin? Had Jackson's particles danced around the bathroom and flitted through the key hole, spelling out what had happened between them? Aaron could see that image clearly in his mind and then he shook his head and the picture went away.

"Have you had breakfast?"

"Yes."

"What are you up to today?"

"I'm going out."

"Oh, ok." Her answer had been small and, thankfully for Aaron, wasn't followed by anything else.


	34. Chapter 34

Jackson blinked every time the second hand moved, he didn't realize he was doing it and he certainly hadn't meant to. Originally, he'd just been blinking rapidly from shock, eventually, his eyelids synched to the large clock hanging on the opposite wall. This may have lasted for five seconds; it may have lasted for five hundred. His head slowly lulled about, he couldn't really feel it, it was as numb as the rest of his body. Around him, the house was still, the front door long since slammed shut. He heard a muffled beep from downstairs, it was the oven, indicating a new hour. Something that Jackson had never understood the point of. Beyond that single sound, he could make out a car winding carefully through the village. Children's laughter travelled from a distance, up through his open bedroom window. There was a whole day unfolding that Jackson wasn't a part of, but this was fine.

'He was the lonely man,' those had been Aaron's words. Jackson scraped his teeth across his bottom lip. 'It was fine that Joe was his best friend, because he pays him'. Jackson paused and shook his head. 'He got rid of people who have no reason to be with him other than loving him.' Jackson bit down, hard, trapping his lip and pressing deeply until he tasted blood. It was to prevent himself from crying. It didn't work. His tears seeped out of him like a slow leak. He couldn't do anything but allow the room to slowly fill and hoped he drowned.

_He got rid of people who have no reason to be with him other than loving him._

He didn't see it like this. He saw it as selflessness. Being selfless was his security. What do people do without selflessness? Flip a coin? Play paper, scissors or rock–which Jackson could do neither. No, the only way things are ever really achieved is through selflessness. Sometimes, it's a small lie about being disappointed, 'It's ok, I didn't really fancy going to the pub tonight.' Other times, it's to make people feel better, 'You didn't? Well, I hate sausages anyway.' Or it's because you want to do what's best for the other person, 'You go out, I'll wait in for the parcel.' This is what it had been between him and Aaron; it was all because he wanted to do the best for him. He'd said, 'I don't fancy you anymore. I don't love you anymore. Go to Dubai, there's nothing for you here.' In truth, he'd been thinking that he'd die without Aaron. This was the nature of selflessness.

Everything he ever did was for Aaron's benefit, right from the very beginning, when all this mess started. Aaron would never have taken the amazing job if it hadn't been for Jackson's selflessness. He'd have remained here, getting Jackson dressed in the mornings and spooning his cereal into his mouth. Being selfless had been the hardest decision that Jackson had ever made. It was harder than his decision to live, _much_ harder than giving life a go.

Jackson's tears ran faster down his cheeks. He felt their heat as they travelled over the contours of his face. They would momentarily cling to the hairs of his chin and then drop. Jackson hoped he would feel them hit his bare chest, but he didn't. Even after all this time, it was unfathomable. Life was unfair. He'd wanted a fair life for Aaron, one with freedom from colostomy bags and monthly hospital visits. He'd told himself that as long as Aaron was ok, then nothing else mattered. Jackson had everything he needed. He had a carer. He'd done a degree. He was a success. To him, the two of them staying together would be like festering at the edge of Aaron's existence. Aaron was doing his own thing and Jackson was doing fine, everything had fallen into place.

Denial was a lovely thing. It enabled him to have a perfectly narrow existence. It meant he could set a course and head straight and be absolute about his convictions: 'That's why this is happening. That's not what it's like. This is how it should be. Just carry on.' Earlier, when Aaron had been throwing his accusations around, Jackson felt like he had swooped down and snatched at his denial as if it were some heavy blanket protecting him. He felt just as exposed as he did when Aaron pulled down his duvet covers, wanting to see all of him whilst making love. Jackson realised that if he only ever knew one thing, it was that what they did together earlier _had_ been making love. It wasn't just sex. It wasn't just a bit of fun. It wasn't for old times' sake, as he'd yelled at Aaron's desperate expression. The realisation made Jackson cry harder. What was he meant to do now? Take Aaron back? Doom him to a repetitive existence? He was intensely relieved that he could do nothing. He couldn't climb out of bed, he couldn't sit down with a cup of tea, he couldn't go out and find Aaron. He could only lie in his bed, still naked, still barely covered, but now, without his denial.

Jackson heard people conversing in the street below, it was two women. He couldn't make out the words or identify them from their voices. They were laughing, syllables clashing together in excited chatter. It seemed to Jackson that they were so free and easy, that they didn't have any problems. Jackson hated them. He wasn't free, things weren't easy for him. He scrunched his eyes up tightly. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he snap out of it, he just wanted the tears to cease falling. He knew that he'd been forcing his feelings down all these years, deep inside is gut. They had coiled up inside and turned into something bigger than the sum of their parts. This thing, whatever it was, was like a life force of its own. A terrible creature lying dormant until someone came along to rattle its cage. Why did Aaron have to come back to rattle its cage? He'd dealt with everything, had come to accept his disability. Except he couldn't accept the part that meant his boyfriend would have to spend his life tending to his needs. This was the one area he'd never coped with and Jackson was OK with this, there was an easy solution––send Aaron away. So he had, and now look where he was: Four years later and laying naked in bed, choking on his own sobs. Why had Aaron come back?

The front door squeaked open and Jackson swore that every one of his tears froze for a second, mid-fall. Was it Aaron? Were they now going to be stuck on an endless loop of recriminations and repetitive dialogue? Was it time for round two? He wasn't ready, he hadn't rehearsed any new vile accusation. He didn't even want to, he wanted Aaron to drop down onto the bed and curl around his frame. He wanted Aaron back. He wanted Aaron back and yet he couldn't stop the selflessness.

"Jackson?" It was Sarah. Jackson emptied, every ounce of anticipation he'd been clutching bellowed out of him, he felt breathless. Sarah's red hair appeared before her face. Her eyebrows were arched in apprehension.

"Are you ok?"

He didn't know what he was, it was stuck between two courses of action, he was ambivalent. He just nodded. Sarah looked alarmed; he knew she'd never seen him like this. Only Aaron had the ability to affect him to this extent. Sarah was twisting her hand around her fingers as if they were a cloth being absently played with. She seemed to be contemplating approaching the bed. "I was worried about you, I didn't hear a thing. I've been sitting in the café for three hours." Her tone lightened, she tried to plaster a jovial smile on her face. "I couldn't drink anymore coffee, I was running to the loo every five minutes."

Jackson blinked rapidly. Three hours, had it been three hours? He rolled his head towards the clock, its big white round face was blurred. His eyes had ceased to function properly, they were refusing to do their job whilst withstanding the water assault. He continued to blink, once again synching to the ticking of the clock.

Jackson had been crying for three hours.


	35. Chapter 35

Aaron's whole body froze rigidly as his foot placement caused the stairway to creak dramatically. He wanted out of the pub before his Mum got a chance to pounce on him. He'd told her he was going out. This had been several hours ago and yet, he'd only just managed the ability to throw some clothes on himself. It had taken a great effort to concentrate long enough to make the decision about what to wear. Each time he came close, he'd found himself drifting off. His thoughts would invariably trail away, rerouted to a different destination. He'd begun by wondering if the unusually hot summer weather meant it was too hot to wear long sleeves and ended with dissecting the way a camel manages to survive in desert conditions. He would concentrate on pulling up his underwear but then consider the function of underwear and its history. He'd come across his hoodie and remembered that it was one he'd had for years, one that Jackson used to try and make him get rid of. That last one had him sitting for a couple of hours, his naked body shivering, despite the warmth. He'd been on the floor, one knee pulled up and his arms wrapping it firmly. Every now and again he'd bounce his head against his knee, trying to distract his thoughts, and it would work for a moment. He felt like his mind was a kaleidoscope, any slight tip of the head and another image would tumble into place. The colours were a tiny bit brighter than usual and the yellow and blue hues were intensified. It was as if he was viewing his mind's eye through the lens of a 1970s camera. Aaron found this quite disconcerting but also nice, like he'd travelled through time.

After minutes of being poised, mid-step, Aaron continued his descent down the stairs. He wasn't sure of the time. It could have been lunch or later. The pub was traditionally very busy between eleven a.m. and two p.m. This should mean that Chastity _should_ be too busy to wonder about any wayward creaks coming from upstairs. Aaron wasn't sure where he was heading. He just knew that he needed to leave the house. There was far too much going on inside. It was the patterns that were causing the most problems. There were loads of them at the pub. Patterned wallpaper, patterned curtains, patterned duvet, even the couch had a pattern on it. The patterns were refusing to stay still. He felt like they were slithering over the surface, amongst themselves, like a farm of worms moving across a glass screen. Every now and again, they would contort into an unwanted image, and it was mostly of Jackson. It was like all those crazy people who seemed to think they could see Jesus's face in everyday items like toast, the underneath of a frying pan or in clouds. Jackson's face was staring at him from the wallpaper on the stairs. It made Aaron cling to the bannister.

He figured that everything would be alright as long as he could move away from the patterns. Go outside and be around some nice, normal, recognisable shapes. He just needed to stop the image of Jackson following him and then everything would be fine. He was actually quite enjoying everything. He felt like he had a clarity that had been missing for a long time, like he'd just bought some new glasses after struggling with an out-of-date prescription for years. As if on impulse, Aaron snatched a bottle of vodka from the storeroom on his way through to the back exit. He'd not drunk in years. Even one beer mixed with his medication would cause him to throw up. This, coupled with the doctor's warnings, had always resounded. Alcohol was apparently not good when you already had precarious brain chemistry. Now, though, Aaron really didn't care. His brain was already unbalanced but, just as long as he had the insight that something wasn't right, then everything would be fine. It was when he lost that insight that things got messy. That was when he'd miss whole portions of his life and have to sit there whilst people explained to him why he was being restrained. He really fancied getting drunk. Drinking had always had a calming effect on him. As a teenager, he was so angry and always looking for fights but, in contradiction to the norm, alcohol actually pacified him. He'd liked that, lying somewhere, slightly stupefied, loving his mates and thinking that everything was ok. This was what Aaron was imagining as he grabbed the vodka. He wasn't thinking about brain chemistry. He was thinking about happily sitting down at the cricket pavilion, hands folded behind his head and letting the warm sun beat down on him. Hopefully then, the kaleidoscope would instead slowly roll, the images forming as gently as dandelion seeds lifting from their stem and sailing off.

He'd not been at the pavilion for long before his phone rang. It was Dean, he'd tried calling earlier but Aaron hadn't been able to cope with any conversation. He was still trying to deal with the repercussions of Jackson. Aaron hit the green icon on his phone and pressed it against his ear; he forgot that he should speak and there was a moment of silence. "Aaron?" Dean had a very expressive tone to his voice, Aaron often felt that he could narrate plays with that voice. It was so unlike Jackson's, whose was so deep and soft that when he spoke, Aaron felt the words wash over him in waves. "Aaron?"

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. You alright?"

"Yeah, you?"

Aaron heard him give a small laugh, "I'm fine, except I'm rolling around our apartment without you. It sucks that you weren't here when I arrived."

"Yeah," but Aaron couldn't muster any similar feelings. He'd opened the vodka and had been filling the lid and shooting it down. He was quite sated in that moment. "How was the flight?" Dean had arrived back in Dubai from New York sometime late last night. Although there was the time difference to consider, so maybe it was sometime this morning. Maybe, figuratively speaking, he'd set foot on soil whilst he and Jackson were having sex.

"Long, the flight was long, I've crossed eight time zones."

"Have you slept?"

"A little. I wanted to hear your voice but you weren't answering your phone."

"Sorry."

He could hear Dean smile. Dean had perfect white teeth that he would often get whitened. In fact, Dean cared quite a lot about his looks. He was in his thirties and would often joke that he needed to keep up with his young, fit boyfriend. He didn't mean it, of course, he was far more confident in himself than that. One thing that Dean insisted on was always wearing hair gel. He'd push his short jet black hair forward and mould the front into a perfect tip. Aaron was a hair person, he liked moving his hand through hair, starting at the roots and moving through to the ends. He and Jackson used to sit there and do it for hours. With Dean, though, it was impossible, Aaron would always come away with a thick film of gel covering the span of his hand. He'd sit there transfixed, slowly stretching out his fingers as if the gel was some evil substance that needed defeating.

"So, how's your Mum?"

"Fine." Aaron had said this completely absently, momentarily forgetting the entire script that he'd written for his reason for returning. Chastity was meant to be falling apart, she was meant to be having financial problems. She was meant to be one step away from having a breakdown. 'Oh, the irony,' Aaron thought. "Well, she's fine _now_. I think we've got it sorted." There was nothing to sort. Even in the most extreme situation, Chastity Dingle would never need his financial help. The woman was very good at business. She'd done a degree in it. Aaron was even a little proud of her.

"Does that mean you'll be coming home soon?"

Aaron's mind flashed through everything that had happened. What a waste. His ticket had cost nearly five hundred pounds. For what, exactly? A cheap fumble with a man that he'd now decided he hated. Not decided, _remembered_. "I guess it does." Aaron steadied his phone on his shoulder and pressed his ear against it, keeping it in place. He unscrewed the bottle's lid and filled it with vodka. He didn't hesitate before throwing the liquid down his throat.

"Are you alright?"

He paused a minute, allowing the burning feeling to subside, and then started opening and closing his mouth rapidly, as if trying to let air in to cool it. "Yeah, why?"

"You just don't sound pleased to be coming home." He shot some more vodka. "Of course I am," Aaron decided to act outraged. "I can't believe you would think that!"

And the Oscar goes to…

"There's nowhere I'd rather be!"

Maybe that was overdoing it.

There was silence on the other end and when Dean spoke, he sounded a little concerned, "Sorry. You've just been a bit weird recently."

"I have..?" He searched through his drawer of inflections to find the most innocent tone to wear.

"Yeah, weirder than usual." He and Dean would often joke about his moods. He'd go through cycles of alternating between being sociable and then withdrawn. This was just his bipolar disorder, muted by the medication. He would loop slowly and it wasn't extreme by any stretch of the word, but it was enough for Dean to mention any change.

"I'm just stressed with Mum and stuff."

"What 'stuff'?" Dean was worried, Aaron could tell.

"Nothing, really. It's just the Mum thing." Dean went quiet again. "Ok," he softly replied.

"Actually, I might as well get the next flight out of here."

"There's no rush."

A line of ants were passing things to each other in front of him. Aaron had to move his foot out of their way. One of the ants wandered straight up to his trainer. Aaron imagined the tiny creature putting a hand on its tiny hip and waving a tiny finger at it in anger. He was sure he'd seen the same thing happen in a cartoon. Aaron scratched his head. "Now, it sounds like _you're_ not pleased about me coming home."

"Don't be daft. You haven't been back there for years. I don't want to rush you just because I'm feeling sorry for myself."

They chatted some more and Dean had laughed at how talkative Aaron was, especially when it came to Leo. Dean knew in depth about his extended family of Paddy, Rhona and Leo. This was one thing that Aaron could always chat about. Whenever he would receive a new image of Leo, he would make a point of showing Dean. At the end of the conversation, before Dean had hung up, he told Aaron that 'he loved him' and Aaron had said it back. He'd also meant it.

The vodka was about a fifth of the way down the bottle and Aaron wasn't starting to feel the effects even nearly enough. He'd been distracted during the phone call and wanted to return to his mission with increased gusto. When Americans challenged themselves to put a man on the Moon, they'd not quit because it was dark up there. When Christopher Columbus ventured off to find new lands, he'd not been put off by a bit of travel. This was Aaron's frame of mind now. He had a duty, a responsibility. His squad of neurons and synapses were firing away in his brain. His task was to bring them down safely from the mountainside, by whatever means necessary. He slammed back more vodka.

Just over a quarter of the way down the bottle, Aaron started thinking about Jackson. It had begun with him musing over the practicalities of him getting back to Dubai. He needed to check out the flight availabilities. He considered sneaking away at night. But then, what about saying goodbye to Adam? His Mum would he in tears if he didn't tell her he was leaving. In the end, he'd decided to take off on Monday. That was four days from now. A perfectly balanced schedule, just enough time to spend with everyone, without them being upset that he'd left. Monday was also Jackson's day to teach and it would mean he wasn't in the village when Aaron left for the airport. Perfect. Aaron drank more vodka. He pictured Jackson lying in his sad little bed, where he'd last left him and then had more vodka. He laughed. The sound started out as a ruthless little chuckle but then quickly expanded. It spread out like a spill on a tablecloth, seeping wider and wider and getting bigger and bigger. He was now a giant spill, every inch of him covered, his laughter absorbing to become a whole-body experience. He felt the laughter in his toes, he felt it in the follicles on his skull. He felt it as he rolled around on the floor, clutching his stomach, feeling it wriggling from his gut, through his pores and expanding up to the sky. He felt the laughter titter on the edge of its emotion, balancing precariously and then topple forward, suddenly, unexpectedly, and then land and forward roll into tears.

When the tears came, Aaron shrivelled up.

The village was starting to get busy, he could hear from where he was curled up on the porch. The cricket pavilion didn't create much of a sound barrier. It was strange, as if it was the no man's land between worlds. Ahead of him lay expansive green hills, dotted with slow-moving bovine trespassers and statues of trees. Behind was the other world, the busier one. This one housed cars moving through, after their occupants have finished a long day at work, and children being escorted to the playground. It housed someone's legs swashing through the grass. Aaron heard these legs cross over into no man's land, the distinct thuds hitting the wooden deck. He sat up rapidly and pushed the bottle of vodka behind a conveniently placed crate. Aaron felt nervous; he at least hoped the legs had a body attached to them, otherwise he was going to freak out completely.

"You alright, mate?" It was Adam. Aaron felt like laughing. He leant forward and smiled at him, "Hey, what you doing here?"

"Looking for you."

"Of course."

Adam had his hands stuffed into his pockets, a trademark that he'd stolen from Aaron. The other man didn't say a word and so Aaron arched his eyebrow expectantly. Adam shrugged. "I haven't seen you since this morning."

Aaron curled in on himself. If it was tight enough, maybe he could morph into a ball and bounce out of there. "You were headed back inside to see Jackson…" Aaron ran his tongue over his teeth, the alcohol had given him a very dry mouth. "I just wanted to see how you got on." It probably wasn't the best thing his friend had ever asked. Aaron decided to dig a pit in front of him and fill it with snakes. He designed a trap door made of grass and connected it to his vodka. When he lifted the bottle, it would swing open and send whomever down there. One more mention of Jackson and Adam would be at the bottom. The only problem, of course, was convincing him to stand on the grassy X.

"So… are you and him ok?"

"Fine."

Adam shifted, "Fine as in… you're getting back together?"

Aaron shook his head. He just needed Adam to step off the porch, onto the grass and then he could release the trap door.

"You've decided not to, then?" Aaron bit down on his lip, he knew the wells of his eyes were beginning to fill with water. "I don't want him back. What happened was a mistake." He didn't seem too convincing because Adam started to slowly sit down opposite him. He reached out and put a comforting hand on Aaron's arm. "Are you ok?" Adam was studying him intently, like a man lost and with only a tatty, faded map to find his way. Aaron wondered what landmarks he was looking for. Was he scrutinising the evident tears or examining the way his eyes kept darting around? Was he wondering at Aaron's words or the speed in which he spoke them? Could he detect the alcohol or did he understand that he was staring at an unravelling man?

"I'm fine, Adam, I'd like to be on my own, please."

Adam smiled sadly, he patted Aaron's arm and regretfully walked off, looking back for as long as possible, in case Aaron changed his mind. At no point did Adam step anywhere near the trap door.


	36. Chapter 36

Paddy smiled at Sarah as he weaved his way past her, through the door. Unusually, she'd given him a strained smile and not checked with Jackson that it was ok if he entered. The answer had never been no anyway, it was always just about respecting Jackson's privacy. Jackson was not where Paddy expected. Usually, when at home, he could be found in the living room. He'd be glued to his computer, his eyes rapidly scanning the screen and speaking decisive annotations. The house was never silent, unlike now. Paddy felt that there was a horrible tension curling its way up the walls. It seemed to inhabit Sarah as well. He looked closely at the woman and noted how much paler her fair skin was, which, against her red hair, was alarming. She looked exhausted. "Sarah, are you ok?" He'd only known her for six months but, in that time, they'd become friendly. The nature of Jackson's condition meant she was around a lot.

Jackson was like family, just as much as Aaron, and the conversation with Adam earlier had made Paddy realise that he'd not managed to see Jackson since Aaron's return. Now, it seemed that there was a very real chance that the two of them would be getting back together and Paddy wanted to minimise any fuss this would create. He wasn't sure how he felt about it personally. They were grown men, it was their decision and this was all that mattered, despite Chastity's no doubt contrary opinion.

Sarah wrapped a hand around her neck and looked nervously stressed: "Yeah, I'm fine." Her response was contained in a laugh. It caused Paddy to squint. "What's going on, where's Jackson?" He watched her hop minutely from foot to foot, barely lifting them from the ground. It caused more of a rocking motion than any actually jumping. She scratched rapidly at her head. "He's upstairs. I didn't know what to do."

Alarm spiked, "What's wrong with him?"

"He won't let me get him up. He'd been lying there since this morning. He just keeps crying."

"Crying?"

She licked her lips. It told him that she wasn't going to say anymore. Her eyes also silently begged that he go upstairs. He wasn't restrained by any carer/patient impartiality. If he wanted to march up there and demand to see Jackson, then that was up to him. "I'll go and talk to him." The relief tumbled from her and her shoulders wilted to the floor, she mouthed a silent 'Thanks.'

Paddy rapped gently on Jackson's bedroom door. He waited for an answer and when silence greeted him, he called out Jackson's name. There was still no response, but Paddy could tell that Jackson was awake. There were several soft sniffs. "Jackson?" He heard something, a soft movement against a pillow. Paddy pushed at the door, he peered his head around slowly and then opened it fully. Jackson was sitting up in bed; his duvet had dropped down, exposing his torso. He appeared tiny. It had been a long time since Paddy had seen Jackson naked. It was years ago, before Aaron left and they were having trouble with the hoist in the downstairs wet room. Jackson's modesty had been covered by his towel but the rest of him was exposed. Back then, he'd been in a wheelchair for only a year. It meant the physical repercussions weren't showing extremely. He still held much of his weight and there was still a small amount of muscle. That had been seven or eight years ago. The body in front of him now was vastly different. His skin seemed to fold around Jackson's skeleton, and his arms were two narrow branches, like winter silhouettes against the night sky.

"What's going on?" Jackson's eyes were red and raw, his cheeks were puffy. It startled Paddy. "Jackson, what's wrong?" He was perfectly still, as if any movement would shatter his entire frame. "I'm fine, Paddy."

"You don't look it." Jackson scrunched his eyes up tightly and pressed his head into the pillow. "I just have a headache."

"A headache?"

"Yeah."

"Why have you been crying?"

"I haven't." It was said with as much conviction as a cat denying it had been hunting, whilst returning with a bird in its mouth. Paddy cocked his head, "I know I might look like a fool…" Not even a small smile jumped to Jackson's lips.

"Paddy, I want to be on my own."

"Apparently you've done that all day."

Jackson snorted, it was the first spark Paddy had witnessed in him. "Sarah had no right calling you."

"She didn't. I just wanted to see you. We've not spoken since Aaron's come back. I wanted to check you were alright." He didn't miss the recoiled look of horror that Jackson barely concealed. It spoke volumes. He was just going to come right out and say it, there was no point beating around the bush. "Is there something going on with you and Aaron?"

Jackson swallowed, something that seemed difficult, tears sprung to his eyes. "No."

Paddy took a step closer. "That's not what Adam tells me." He watched Jackson bite down on his lip and noticed that this wasn't the first time. Jackson's bottom lip was swollen, and bruised, with streaks of dried crimson decorating it. "No, don't worry. Nothing is going on."

"I'm not worried."

"Yeah, right."

He sat down on the edge of Jackson's bed. "I just want you both to be happy."

"Well, I can't speak for Aaron, but I'm fine."

* * *

><p>It was eight p.m. and Cain wasn't entirely sure what he was seeing. Zak was walking next to him, the two of them lazily making their way to the pub from Tug Ghyll cottage. The sky was still lit, the trees still covering the ground with their intense shadows, the darkness only just beginning to descend. Ahead of them was a bit of a commotion. It was really a small disturbance. It was being caused by Aaron. Zak seemed to twig the moment Cain did and the two of them sped up. Aaron was clambering from a car, his inelegant limbs flailing around as if he were drowning. Another man was standing by the open door, demanding that he get out. As they approached, they could hear threats about phone calls to the police.<p>

"What's going on?" The other guy spun round, he was a skinny, wiry man with an angry face. He scowled at Cain. It was unsure if he meant to be menacing; this could just be his natural default setting. "This bloke here called a taxi, but there's no way I'm driving him anywhere in that state!" Cain looked at Aaron, there was no mistaking that he was drunk. He immediately saw the way his eyes glazed over and how his body had sunk against the car. He wasn't trying to get up, more slide out, his body moulding to the vehicle. It reminded him of larking around and being dragged down the stairs by his legs as a child.

"Aaron, what are you doing?" Zak asked. He moved past the taxi driver and reached down to grab him by the arms and lift him up. The task wasn't easy and Aaron wasn't even attempting to use any bones. Zak got him into a standing position, only for his knees to buckle. He was a giant paper fan, collapsing into a series of folds. "I've got a flight to catch," Aaron said. His head lulled around as if it was a marble released into a bowl and his eyes darted frantically, not focusing on anything.

"A flight?" Aaron hiccupped and scraped the back of his hand across his mouth, "Yeah." The taxi man looked between him and Zak, "You know him?"

"We're related." The man nodded at the reply and then shifted uncomfortably, like a waiter who hated asking for payment of a bill. "So, you guys will look after him then?" Cain frowned. He hadn't realised that taxi drivers were meant to take responsibility for drunken idiots who tried to climb into their cars. Or maybe this guy just thought it was morally wrong to dump him at the side of the road. "Yeah, no worries. We'll take him home. Sorry about him." Cain grabbed at Aaron's arm and he and Zak pulled him over to the wall separating the gardens from the street. Aaron's eyes followed the car as it drove away. He looked up at Cain, surprised and started, rolling his shoulder around to loosen his grip. "I needed that taxi."

"Why?"

"I need to get to the airport." It was said exasperatedly, as if he'd been asked over and over for the last hour. Aaron's shoulder rolls got more exaggerated, but Cain wasn't releasing him, he suspected that Aaron would topple backwards if he did.

"A flight to where?" asked Zak.

"Dubai." Aaron then moved on to start rolling the shoulder that Zak was clinging to. He looked like a rotary printing press, with all the cylinders spinning in alternating directions. "Aaron!" Cain shook him slightly, "Will you stop moving?"

"You sent my taxi away." How could Aaron be in this state? Cain thought he couldn't drink on the medication. He thought it made him sick. That was how all this had come to light in the first place. Aaron tipped his head back and his body slowly followed into a slow motion backwards dive. "Jesus, Aaron!" Cain snapped in shock. He fitted his hand around the back of Aaron's neck to prevent him from falling further and slowly, with Zak's assistance, jacked him back up. Aaron then toppled forward and the pair of them managed to get an arm each and wrap it around their shoulders. It prevented Aaron from landing flat on his face. Aaron just laughed.

"I thought he couldn't drink!" Zak groaned as the heavy burden of Aaron required him to use all his strength. Aaron's legs would work for a few steps before they'd wanted to take a rest. Each time, he stopped abruptly and it would propel Zak and Cain backwards. Aaron laughed again. "Yeah, Dad, I didn't think he could either." The continued walk to the pub wasn't easy and took a long time despite only being a few yards up the road. Brenda had arrived as they approached the front door. She held back and cheerily asked if there was anything she could do. The stupid cow might as well have been asking a delivery man if he would like her to sign for next door's parcel. "Yeah, keep your nose out." It was rude and Brenda had been upset, which was exactly the result he wanted. Cain opened the pub door and carefully maneuvered Aaron through it, whilst also propping it open. It was like a complex kissing gate. First person opens gate and gets through. Third person keeps gate open. First and third persons lead second person through. Third person follows. Aaron's head bashed against the glass pane and he laughed. "What about my flight?" Cain gritted his teeth. "I don't know about any flight." They almost toppled through, and when they landed, it was clear that this was not an event that was going to go unnoticed, half the village was there.

Chastity was stood, mid serve. She had a glass a wine in one hand and a pint of beer in the other. Her mouth swung open, noticeably, and it caused the customer to turn around. Cain didn't recognise the man. "What the hell…" Her words trailed off and the drinks she was holding were slammed down onto the bar, the lager spilling over the rim.

"He's drunk."

"Drunk!" She scuttled around the bar on her heels and lifted Aaron's face, he had a stupid smile on his face. "What the hell is he doing drinking?"

"I don't know. We found him trying to get a taxi."

"A taxi?"

"To the airport."

"Why?" It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep Aaron upright. He was slipping through their hands like a wet surface. "Chas," barked Zak, "can we do this once we've got him through the back?" The hatch leading behind the bar provided resistance in their mission. They slid Aaron through, having to slightly loosen their grip, and Aaron crashed against the wooden top. His arms were sprawled out across it and he seemed to have momentary awareness. "Everyone's looking at me." They were. The pub had gone silent; there wasn't even any whispered discussion. Cain could see their heads bobbing along and tracking Aaron's movements. When he fell, they dipped, and when Cain and Zak picked him back up, they rose.

Inside the living room, Aaron was dropped to the couch; afterwards, both Cain and Zak stretched out their backs, relieving the pain. Aaron lay mostly on his side and partially on his front; his nose was pressed into the arm of the couch. Chastity looked aghast. "Aaron, why have you been drinking?" Aaron's tongue tumbled out of his mouth in an attempt to form words. He was staring at their shoes. "Aaron?" Chastity crouched down and lifted him into a sitting position, it wasn't easy, and so Cain joined in. Aaron's eyes rolled into the back of his head. "Why were you going to the airport?" She sat down next to him, allowing herself to act as a prop. Aaron reached out an unsteady hand. It was unclear what he was trying to do. His fingers ended up tangled in her hair. "You're my Mum."

"Yes, I am." Nothing about Aaron's state was funny. It made Cain feel overwhelmingly uneasy. "Aaron," Chastity tried again. "Why were you going to the airport?" Aaron's head dipped into the crevice of her neck, she wrapped an arm around him to stop him from falling forward. "Aaron?"

"To see Dean." His muffled answer was startling and yet something totally expected and full of sense. Chastity smiled up at them, clearly finding it adorable and letting it overshadow any concern at her son's drinking. Aaron started giggling. It began indecisively, like it didn't know whether it would like to form. It then evolved into a full laughter. Aaron grabbed at his Mums arms, clawing at them. He was laughing harder now. Cain looked at him in shock. Aaron's mouth had widened as if to scream. His face contorted. His fingers dug deep. He looked in terrible pain. He carried on laughing.


	37. Chapter 37

Aaron missed a step and slipped down. His arms flew out to the bannister and his view tipped slightly before he safely managed to stabilize himself. It was only just starting to get light and outside the birds were noisily competing over one another, but they sounded distant and far off. He couldn't remember a great deal of the previous day. He did know that it included a lot of vodka and now, at four thirty in the morning, he was still considerably drunk. His thoughts were sloshing around and the gentle waves kept breaking against his skull. It made everything quite interesting. Aaron took another step and his vision bent out in front of him. Everything seemed smudged to him. Not cloudy or faded, or even blurry, just very smudged, like all the edges of everything were bleeding into one another. He took another step and this time slipped again and landed at the bottom. He was near there anyway and he only looked as dramatic as he did because of how intoxicated he still was. Aaron mentally congratulated himself for landing safely and laughed as he clung to the bannister. Aaron hadn't laughed so much in a long time. He realised that he was finding so many more things amusing than ever before and he didn't realise what a fantastic sense of humour he had. He'd come down because it was clearly morning now. He hadn't needed to get dressed because he was still wearing the same clothes from last night. Aaron grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. He hadn't watch British telly since returning and was quite interested to see what was on these days. There was nothing on channel one and he gradually ascended up the numbers, each time reading that the first program was due to start at six a.m. Eventually he stopped on one of the shopping channels. There was a man showing a pocket knife. He was transfixed as the demonstrator, wearing a plaid shirt and heavy duty boots, fanned out all the accessories. There were nine altogether, including a knife, scissor, file, screwdriver and even a bottle opener. Aaron quickly realised how handy all these would be and whilst having all of these things already, he knew he didn't have any of them attached to one thing. He envisaged everything he could achieve with that pocket knife. He could camp in the Dubai desert and live off the land, surviving by hunting the wildlife. At work they always seemed to misplace things, but with this, Aaron's workmates would marvel at how prepared he was. Aaron scratched his head for a second, he couldn't remember if he'd actually ever needed a penknife at work. He reached immediately for the phone and dialled the number flashing on the screen. Aaron's plans were quickly scuppered when he realised that his credit card was up in his room. He looked towards the stairs, they suddenly appeared sinister. The stain painted on the wooden bannister appeared dark and slippery, as if it were coated in a thick blood. It looked like it might hinder any substantial grip. The steps had a fragility hidden beneath the threadbare looking carpet. Everyone knows that a dangerous journey like this shouldn't be undertaken without all the proper preparations. That a person should anticipate for every eventuality. This was why he needed the pocket knife. Surely one of those attachments would help whilst trekking up the stairs. His problem, though, was that he couldn't get the pocket knife _until_ he went upstairs and got his wallet. But then he couldn't get upstairs without the pocket knife. Aaron sucked on the inside of his cheek; he was stuck in a catch-22 scenario.

Aaron felt hungry. He dropped the receiver onto the table and it clanged loudly before bouncing off and hanging down by its cord. The music playing on the line could still be heard as he walked towards the kitchen. He hummed along to the tune whilst opening and closing the drawers until he found a box of cereal. He continued looking until he found a bowl and a spoon and the milk. "Aaron?" He frowned at his mother calling down to him and heard a creaking on the stairs.

He'd poured his cereal but had halted before adding the milk. "Aaron?" Chastity's body came to view as a dressing gown was being wrapped around it. The last thing to appear was her head. For a moment Aaron thought there wasn't going to be a head. She had her eyes scrunched up in tired disbelief. Her hair was wildly sticking up at the back and she folded her arms tightly. "Aaron, what on earth are you doing?"

"Getting breakfast." This was the most obvious thing in the world and Aaron was annoyed by the confused expression on her face. He watched her walk down the stairs, reach for the remote and turn down the volume on the TV. Aaron hadn't realised it was so loud. A muffled voice could still be heard and Chastity looked around bizarrely before her eyes landed on the phone lying on the floor. She eyed Aaron and then placed the receiver against her ear, "Aaron, why are you calling the shopping channel?" He looked towards the screen expecting to see the pocket knife, only the item had changed to a pair of pearl earrings and the presenter was now a middle-aged women. "It wasn't to buy pearls, I promise you."

"What the hell, Aaron? It's five in the morning!"

"Yeah, it's the morning."

"_Five in the morning_, why aren't you sleeping?"

"I've slept.''

Chastity shook her head, she'd not bothered to remove her makeup last night and had smudged circles around her eyes, she looked like a disapproving panda. "You're still drunk, aren't you?"

"_No_."

"You need to go back to bed, sleep it off. Do you remember the state you were in last night?" Chastity's disbelief had left her face slightly and Aaron noted how amused she looked. It was because of the alcohol. One thing a Dingle could understand was getting drunk. All roads lead to drink. All questions were answered with drink. Someone's birthday, celebrate with a drink. Someone dies, remember them with a drink. When there's a birth in the family, welcome them with a drink. Aaron acting strangely, it's got to be the drink he had last night, it can't be anything more serious because that would mean she'd failed him.

"I don't remember last night." Aaron had the milk bottle in his hand, ready to pour. He wasn't sure if he should place the bottle back on the counter. "Let me remind you then. You were trying to get a taxi to the airport. You wanted to catch a flight to Dubai." Aaron remembered hearing about the butterfly effect. The theory was that the flutter of a butterfly's wings in one part of the world could cause a hurricane in another. It made him wonder if placing the milk bottle down in England might cause an earthquake in Australia. He didn't want that on his conscience so he kept it raised, his arm was aching as a consequence. "Aaron!" His eyes snapped towards his mother, realising that she was talking to him. "Yes?"

"I asked you about going to the airport." Aaron shrugged, still holding up the milk bottle. Chastity's eyes glanced towards it. "I don't know. I live there. My boyfriend is there, it's not that much of a mystery, is it?" This seemed to satisfy his Mum, she gave him a small smile. "So why were you drinking last night?" Aaron's thoughts flashed to Jackson. He'd wanted to be numb but, unfortunately, he had been too drunk to remember if it worked. He had a vague memory of curling up in the cricket pavilion, throwing up and crying whilst trying to remove Jackson's image from his mind. This was another reason why that pocket knife would have come in handy. There was a tin opener attachment and Aaron could have used it to pry open the top of his skull and pour out all thoughts of Jackson. "Well," Aaron begun. The answer to his mother's question formed instantaneously and was equally brilliant and devious. It was sure to make her leave him alone. "This medication makes me so sick anyway, I figured what the hell if I drink." The desired effect was achieved immediately. He watched Chas shift uncomfortably and avert his gaze. "Yeah, I guess so. Still, if you had changed it, then you'd be stuck here without Dean for ages." Guilt dripped from her syllables. "And last night proves that you don't want to be away from him, doesn't it?" Aaron's arm was really aching now. Chastity was looking between him and the milk and smiling uneasily. Aaron was smiling back. Her smile widened, she seemed suddenly comfortable that the correct conclusion had been drawn.

Aaron wanted to award himself a trophy for his skills of manipulation.

"Are you going to use that milk?" There was something strange about her expression. Aaron looked at the milk and noted that his mother was also looking at it. "Why?"

"You've poured some cereal but you've not added the milk." She had a flicker in her eye that suggested that the innocent sounding enquiry had a sinister depth. Her hands were clinging to the countertop where she stood opposite to him, she seemed apprehensive. Aaron wondered if she'd poisoned the milk.

"Have you done something to the milk?"

"What? Like?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking."

"Of course I haven't." In her frame, he read tension. Either she was telling the truth or once he swallowed, he would be a dead man. Casually, Aaron began to pour the milk into the bowl. He kept one eye on her. He couldn't decide. His Mum loved him, she always had, except that, maybe, the first eighteen years of his life could be debated. Maybe she remembered that she hated him. Perhaps his return had reminded her of how much she wanted him dead. Except that it didn't make any sense, did it? Aaron felt nervous as he looked down over the tiny wheat rings floating around. He casually tapped on the side of the bowl and they jerked. He looked back up at his Mum; she wore a puzzled expression on her face. Puzzled? That wasn't the expected look of a murderer as she watched her victim meet his demise. It filled Aaron with confidence and he dropped the milk bottle down. He smiled at her one last time and scooped up a spoonful. He faltered once the content sat firmly in his mouth. Chastity was smiling back at him. He kept it in his mouth, sloshing it around and preventing himself from swallowing, his cheeks may have been puffed out. Chastity's smile was once again uneasy and she'd raised an eyebrow. This confirmed it; she'd definitely been trying to poison him. He bent over the bowl and allowed the milk to dribble down his chin. The cereal would be fine though, he swallowed that noisily. Chastity was staring at him in shock; it was probably because he'd foiled her plans.

"Your right, Mum, it's five in the morning, I'm still drunk, I should be in bed." He then walked straight past her, up to his room.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you all had a lovely christmas. xx<strong>


	38. Chapter 38

Chastity sat sipping her coffee. Across the brim of her cup, she stared at Paddy. It wasn't deliberate, but they were drinking in unison. Paddy had been astonished when she'd explained how drunk Aaron was the previous evening. Unexpectedly, he'd not heard it through the rumour mill yet and it was her grim pleasure to fill him in.

"I thought he couldn't drink."

Chastity had plonked herself down on the chair across the table from Paddy. He wore a puzzled expression and readjusted his glasses. Chastity shrugged. "Me too, apparently he wasn't so bothered if he was sick." Paddy looked unexpectedly anxious. "Why do you think he got like that?" She'd not really let herself wonder. Last night had been pretty stressful and downright odd. Zak and Cain hadn't even bothered to get him upstairs. They'd just left him on the couch, pulled down the blanket covering the back of the chair and instructed him to go to sleep. It worked for a couple of hours. Each time Chastity went through the back, Aaron would be snoozing gently. He woke up later and lay there talking rubbish to her. The alcohol slightly wore off after a time, which meant he no longer resembled a heap of clothing in a washing basket. Instead, he'd wandered around, bumping into furniture and laughing like an idiot. He'd stumbled up to his bedroom at some point and then crashed around in the living room again at about five a.m. She had to admit that it worried her and made her feel quite guilty. "I don't know why," she answered thoughtfully. "Aaron said that his current medication was making him sick anyway, so he might as well have a drink. I guess his lack of alcohol over the years explains how he'd gotten into such a state." Really, it all made perfect sense to her and she mulled it over, allowing the explanation to settle comfortably in her brain. Paddy sat frowning and absently wiped at his mouth. She recognised this as a concerned gesture. There was something on his mind. Chas could tell by the way he kept drifting for a moment, the internal dialogue running horizontally through his mind. "What are you thinking?" she asked. She trusted Paddy's judgment over her own when it came to Aaron, even though she usually ignored him. He softly licked his bottom lip and shifted in his seat, his grey shirt crinkled in the folds of his stomach. His words were hesitant. "Do you think it's weird for them both to see each other?"

"Who?"

"Aaron and Jackson."

Chastity felt her hackles rise, she was instantly on edge. She didn't want to hear their names in the same sentence and she certainly didn't want any connection made between Aaron drinking and Jackson. "Maybe, but… you know…" Paddy raised an eyebrow, his expression kind and apprehensive. It was the same as when he explained to his customer that their beloved pet needed to be put down. "You know…?"

She shrugged. "Yeah… you know… life goes on."

"Chas…" He was easing into a gentle explanation. She didn't want to hear it and quickly put her hand out to silence him. "His drinking has nothing to do with Jackson."

"What if they've had an argument?"

"Why would they?"

"What if it was about them getting back together?"

"That's not going to happen." The ground shifted beneath her feet. She didn't know what Paddy thought he knew, but it was wrong. _She_ knew what Dean and Aaron had. Aaron's behaviour last night proved that.

"Chas…" She didn't even want to contemplate Paddy's question. She wanted it ground up in a dustbin truck and left to rot at the bottom of a landfill. "Aaron loves Dean." She squared her jaw, settling into defence mode. It was pretty clear from Paddy's expression that this wasn't idle speculation. "What if he loves Jackson more?"

"He doesn't."

Paddy rolled his eyes and shook his head, "Even you suspected this was Aaron's reason for coming home."

"I was wrong."

"Have you ever actually asked him and been prepared to really listen?" She didn't need to. She had all the hard evidence she required, a jury wouldn't come up with a contradictory verdict. She jumped up from her chair wanting to put some distance between their words. "I don't need to ask him. I heard everything he said last night."

"What? When he was drunk?"

"What difference does that make?" Paddy leant forward in his seat, his hands gently squeezed between his thighs. He was imploring her to listen. "It makes all the difference."

"Look!" She rubbed at her forehead, trying to relieve the whirling headache gathering speed. "All I know is that last night, when Aaron was drunk, he tried to climb into a taxi to see his boyfriend who lives on the other side of the world. _Not _the ex-boyfriend who lives on the other side of the street."

"All right." She watched Paddy look away for a second, his thoughts playing something through. He sniffed loudly and met her eyes. "You want to know what I know?" She wasn't sure that she did. "No."

"Last week, Aaron turns up out of the blue after we discover that _Jackson_ messaged him. We find a photo of _Jackson_ in Aaron's luggage. Aaron keeps disappearing and we both know he's spending time with _Jackson_, and…" He paused and then reluctantly continued. "Adam told me that he didn't think Aaron was climbing back on the plane." Chas closed her eyes, she couldn't handle this. "I also went to see Jackson yesterday. He'd been crying all day. He wouldn't say, but I knew it was because something had happened between him and Aaron." He pushed up his glasses. "Then finally, this morning, you tell me that Aaron unexpectedly decided to get wasted, and suddenly, desperately wanted to run away back to Dubai." Why was Paddy fighting their corner? Chastity knew how worried Paddy had been about Aaron's return. What was it with the change of heart? "You can't possibly be telling me that you would be happy with the two of them getting back together?" She saw it in Paddy's eyes. She read his uneasiness. He didn't want this anymore than she did. "It doesn't matter what I want. This is about Aaron, and what _he_ wants." She didn't say anything. What could she say? Nausea welled up inside her gut. She didn't want to believe that her son was so stupid to throw away everything he had. She wouldn't let him. Tension coiled around her frame, tears filled her eyes and she stared vacantly at the wall behind his head. "Paddy, I know that you care and you want what's best for him. So please let me deal with this." Paddy exhaled, utterly frustrated. "Deal with what, you've got to let them get on with this." But she wasn't hearing him. She was remembering her son's heartache and pain. She was recalling him falling apart. She was imagining what his next suicide attempt might look like. Her eyes blinked slowly. "I'll sort this."


	39. Chapter 39

Jackson wasn't watching the TV, Joe could tell. His eyes were directed just left of the screen and there was no reaction in them from the program that was on. Joe was wiping up after breakfast. Sarah had left half an hour ago. She'd looked uneasy, and it felt to Joe that she was faking her smile during their interaction. He'd apologized for her having to rush here Tuesday night when he'd had to get his daughter to the hospital and she had looked at him momentarily confused. She'd then glanced towards Jackson and Jackson had lowered his head. Joe noticed her barely saying goodbye on her way out. It made him curious about what had happened.

Joe ran the tea towel through his fingers and lightly flicked it against Jackson's wheelchair. Jackson was yet to say much and it was making Joe nervous. It was clear there was something wrong. It could be felt in the house. An unnatural stillness seemed to expand from Jackson and the disquiet smothered the walls and touched everything in its path. Joe rounded in front of his chair and licked his lips. "You up to anything today?" The despondence on Jackson's face was a clear warning that something wasn't right. He seemed completely shattered. His usual bright eyes were tiny pin pricks above his sunken cheekbones. He was fragile and pale. He'd barely acknowledged Joe when he arrived and it wasn't clear if he'd have an answer for the question now. "No," Jackson said eventually. His voice was croaky, as if he hadn't spoken for hours. He still wasn't watching the TV, but was making a clear effort to pretend. It put Joe on edge.

"What's wrong?"

Jackson's mouth worked as if to try and form words. His eyes widened and a watery sheen instantly encased them. Joe's brows narrowed, worried. "Don't ask me, please. Just let me get on with it."

"On with what?"

"Watching TV." Joe's eyes flashed to the screen. He felt an immediate urge to smile but curbed it. "Jackson. It's The Jeremy Kyle Show." Jackson didn't answer. "You hate it." Joe watched his eyes thicken with tears. His bottom lip trembled. "Jackson, tell me what's wrong." That was it, those final caring words were all that was needed. The first tear streaked down Jackson's cheek and his teeth scrapped his lip, keeping it still. Jackson turned his face away as far as possible. "I'm fine." His voice was coated with sadness. They stayed where they were for a long time as Jackson tried to compose himself. Joe's hands rested on his hips, his own eyes felt teary from compassion. Jackson wouldn't turn his head. He'd repeatedly licked his lips and sniffed loudly. Once quiet and still, Joe pulled a chair next to him and turned down the volume on the TV. He leant his elbows on his knees and rested his chin in his hands. "Tell me when you're ready."

Silence permeated the room. Jackson's eyes were red. He sniffed loudly. When he spoke, his words were small. "I'm an idiot."

"Why?"

There was more silence. "I've done something stupid."

"What?" Jackson's head lulled about. His face kept contorting into a disbelieving expression. "Come on, Jackson. You can talk to me." Joe hoped that Jackson would tell him, he just needed to wait it out until his friend collected his thoughts.

"I slept with Aaron." Joe's mouth hung down, he wasn't sure how to follow that announcement. Did he have an inkling that this was about Aaron? Maybe. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was recalling the other times he'd seen Jackson in this state. They all revolved around Aaron, his hospitalization, their break up, him leaving the country. Did he imagine that it was because they'd slept together? Definitely not. It was Thursday morning; he'd left them late Tuesday night. Apparently, they'd gotten together and broken up within that short period, although with those two, anything was possible. "What happened afterwards?"

Jackson bit down on his lip. "Nothing, it was a one-time thing."

"So why the tears?"

"Leave me alone, Joe."

Joe did as he was asked. He loaded the washing machine and then unloaded it once the cycle was finished. He vacuumed upstairs and then polished. He prepared a lasagne for Jackson's lunch. He did all this whilst constantly listening for Jackson. Jackson didn't move from his spot. "You hungry?" he enquired at twelve thirty. He'd expected a simple no or maybe even no answer at all. He was surprised when he heard Jackson activate his wheelchair for movement and turn around. "Thanks, but I'm fine." Jackson's expression, whilst appearing lost, was calmer. He was looking around slowly, at a point just behind Joe's head, and steadily avoided direct eye contact. "Did you have breakfast this morning or was I just wiping up after Sarah?" There was disinterest in his response. "Just Sarah."

"Right."

Jackson was chewing on the inside of his cheeks. His look was vacant. "You shouldn't miss a meal. You know what the doctor says." Jackson took a heavy breath. He was tiny against the backdrop of his wheelchair. He looked dishevelled and unkempt. He was a soul in unrest. Joe could read it as clearly as any text in a book. Jackson dropped his head. He looked as though he might start crying again. When he spoke, it was hesitant. "What am I going to do?"

Joe blinked. "About Aaron?" There was a tiny confirming nod, which he would have missed had he not been looking for it. "I can't give you advice unless I know what happened." A humourless laugh spread Jackson's lips. "What's there to say? We slept together yesterday morning. We argued. He ran away."

"What was the argument about?" There was no answer. Joe pulled up a chair and sat down, he tilted his head. "What was the argument about?"

"It… was about." The words stuck in Jackson's throat. He swallowed several times whilst staring up at the ceiling. "Why we shouldn't get back together."

"Let me guess. He argued for, you argued against." Jackson gave a small nod. Joe felt no pleasure at being right. He could almost imagine the row without being told any details. This was the constant loop in which the pair of them existed. Jackson pushed Aaron away every time he was scared. He couldn't handle his feelings of helplessness and was resentful of Aaron's ruined life. "He was so angry." Jackson shook his head, regretfully. "You should have seen him. He was out of control." Joe felt low level alarm in his stomach. He'd seen Aaron angry and then he'd seen him frightening. "How out of control?"

"You can tell by the top of my arms." The image played out in Joe's mind, Aaron grabbing him in a rage, slamming him against whatever Jackson was sitting in. He saw it because he'd seen it all before. It was the day that Aaron disappeared. He'd locked them both in Dale Head; everyone else was banging on the door to be let in. Aaron had lashed out that day as well. He'd been smacking his head against the wall, begging Jackson to make it go away. When Jackson hadn't known what he meant, Aaron had grabbed him, the force of the slams had broken Jackson's wheelchair. For months they'd been scared that Aaron was having a relapse and this seemed to be the final confirmation. This was why it was hard to believe how well he was now. Joe's memory was entwined with that past event. "Did he hurt you?"

"No. The furniture got the brunt of it." Joe didn't say a word. Jackson looked sickened. He was a contortionist inside that still body, his emotions weaving in rapid succession. "This is what I do to Aaron. I make him angry. I cause him pain. Of course we shouldn't be together."

"It's _because_ you're not together that you cause him pain." Joe wasn't sure where that came from. He was suddenly desperately tired of all the unhappiness his best friend caused himself. Jackson's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, but you pushing Aaron away has always made him miserable. It's made_ you_ miserable." Joe stood up from his seat. Jackson's head shook minutely, dismissing Joe's words. But Joe wasn't having this. For years he'd silently supported his friend's decisions, kept his opinions at bay. He was always concerned about interfering, never wanting to mess with the complicated balance they had of carer and friend. But he wasn't going to leave it this time. He couldn't see them go through it all again. He outstretched his arms, implored Jackson to listen. "We've all acted like you and Aaron shouldn't be together but, if we're really honest, the only reason it's been so messy is because you can't handle being in that wheelchair. You think that his life would be ruined if it was spent with you." He shook his head sadly. "Well, you know what, Jackson? He may have run off and got another life in Dubai and an amazing boyfriend, just like you wanted, but it doesn't seem to make him happier and he certainly doesn't seem better off." Joe steadily held Jackson's gaze. He didn't know if his words would make a difference. Didn't know if things would tip back into their correct position, but he'd said his piece. Joe walked away. Jackson didn't say a word.


	40. Chapter 40

Aaron ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time, his legs carrying him in great, rapid haste and looking blurred from their speed. He was at the bottom in a blink of an eye. He turned around and looked back up. He didn't entirely remember the journey down and it unsettled him. He decided to reclimb the steps and repeat the process. The second time down felt much better, he'd taken his time and, as a consequence, remembered it. He was finding that, more and more, he was doing things far too quickly and then he wasn't sure if he'd actually done them. Earlier, for instance, he'd gone to the bathroom. When he returned to bed, he wasn't sure he'd actually gone, he couldn't remember. His bladder felt empty but this wasn't enough of a reassurance, so he'd gone again. But he'd repeated his mistake and once again been too rapid. This led to him going a third time. Aaron turned around and looked at the stairs. His mind worked in quick succession. He counted the steps in a second, his eyes rapidly scanning upwards. Fourteen, there were fourteen steps. As long as he encountered fourteen steps whilst going either up or down, then he'd know that he definitely undertook the journey. Aaron sighed. He'd formulated a plan and it was a massive relief. He would just need to do something similar for everything else as well. He rounded the door into the living room and noted his mother drinking a coffee on the sofa. "Morning," she greeted. It seemed to Aaron that she now lived in the living room. Every time he saw her, she was sitting there. 'She may also have a coffee addiction,' he wondered idly. Chastity glanced at the clock on the wall. "Or should I say afternoon?"

The clock said 12:10 P.M. Aaron wasn't sure where the morning had gone. He knew he hadn't been sleeping. Or had he? It felt like he'd been tossing and turning. Sitting up and laying back down. Raiding his luggage for that image of Jackson and then aggressively stuffing it back in there. It felt like he'd been doing these things all morning. "Hi," Aaron answered.

"How are you feeling today?" asked his Mum with a raised eyebrow. She looked anxious. "Great." He actually was. He was feeling like a million pounds. "No hangover?" Hangover? Of course not. His body was a medical marvel. He couldn't be kept down by a silly liquid solution. He was unbeatable. Unstoppable. Invincible. "No, I feel amazing."

The smell of coffee hit Aaron and he knew instantly he needed some. He'd never been so sure. Everything that had ever happened before was just a prelude to this point. It was all building towards this moment in his life. A coffee would be the culmination of all his achievements. Aaron headed straight over to the kitchen and unscrewed the coffee bottle. He took a massive sniff. He'd never smelt anything so amazing before.

Chastity was watching him, she clearly had something on her mind. "There's no milk. I need to get some." Aaron wasn't sure if that was the thing on her mind but there was an easy solution to this. Aaron formulated a plan quickly. His synapses pulsated in conspiratorial conversation. It would be so simple to achieve. "It's fine, Mum, I'll go to the shop." His Mum seemed uneasy and distracted, her mouth moved slightly like she wanted to discuss something with him. Aaron braced himself. It always unnerved him when she wore that expression. Instead, he watched her shoulders visibly sag. "OK, thanks love."

"Great." It really would be great. Aaron was going to buy that milk so promptly and with such skill that the entire village will be marvelling for years. Songs would be written about his deed. Chastity's eyes narrowed. "You're still wearing the same clothes from yesterday." He looked down. Oh shit, he was! Aaron smacked his head and grinned at Chastity. He couldn't go out dressed like this. He needed to look his best. His clothes were all wrinkled. They smelt of alcohol. Aaron ran back up the stairs, aware that Chastity was watching him the whole time. In his bedroom, Aaron made snap decisions. Green T-shirt or blue one? Blue. Dark jeans or light jeans? Light. He selected brown socks and pulled on his boots and tied up his laces with such precision that he impressed himself. On his way down, he counted fourteen steps. Chastity was standing up in the living room now. She had a strange look on her face as she watched him. He quickly catalogued what he was wearing, purely because he couldn't remember getting dressed. Chastity had her purse in one hand, there was money in the other one. She paused just before passing over the coins. "Aaron, are you alright?"

He froze and looked at her, "Yeah." She scanned his face. "Are you still drunk?"

"No."

She reached out a hand to his face and Aaron jerked out of her grasp. "What are you doing?" he said, feeling annoyed. He had a mission to complete. Chastity looked uneasy. "Does alcohol affect your medication working?"

"I don't know." She tipped her head, "Come on Aaron, you must know."

"Fine," he shrugged. "Probably a bit." She now looked really worried. "Do you feel different right now?"

Does feeling absolutely out-of-your-skull amazing count? "No." She squinted and looked him over one more time. How was he going to navigate this one? The woman was like a dog with a bone when it came to his health. What was she going to do now? Call a meeting? Assess the damage? Lock him in his room? Aaron gritted his teeth, "Mum, you've got to back off and let me get on with things." He held his breath and counted the seconds. A million expressions fleeted Chastity's features. Guilt seemed to be the one that settled. Eventually, her coin-filled hand lowered towards his palm. She dropped the money into it. "Don't drink anymore, Aaron, OK?"

Aaron couldn't believe his luck. He smiled, "I wasn't going to."

* * *

><p>Jackson hadn't really moved. He was still pretty much in the same position he'd been in when Joe had given him the metaphorical slap across the face, when he'd force-fed a few sad truths down his ears. Jackson had just stared at Joe and even after he left, Jackson kept staring at the space he had occupied. It had seemed the only thing to do. Now he could hear Joe moving around outside. He was gardening. There was a small plot behind Dale Head and Joe had always insisted on keeping it looking nice. Jackson couldn't care less about the patch of mud. He'd never cared for gardening. He'd been a builder. He'd liked to construct and create. He saw gardening as decoration, he'd never cared for decoration. This was why he'd always subcontracted when it came to painting a refurbishment. He could have done it, but each time he tried, he found himself beyond bored and always ended up employing someone else. But this, of course, was in another life. Jackson heard a scrapping sound, like metal on concrete. Joe loved gardening and Jackson wouldn't begrudge him of one of his simple joys. The man needed some relief from spending all his days babysitting him.<p>

Joe lightly cursed and Jackson lulled his head towards the direction, vaguely curious. He couldn't gather the interest to actually go outside and see what had happened. He wasn't sure he wanted to. He was a little angry at Joe for what he'd said earlier. Jackson was apparently responsible for his own misery and for Aaron's, and the only reason the two of them weren't together was because of Jackson's insecurities. That was it in a nutshell anyway and it wound Jackson's insides. Joe was over simplifying.

Aaron stood too much to lose by them getting back together. Why was he the only one who could see this? He'd be crazy to come back here and resume his previous life. Jackson scrunched up his eyes. A headache was forming just behind them. He was getting tired of his thoughts looping in a full circle. He knew what his decision was. He'd made it and he was sticking to it. Sometimes, he felt that he was the only one with any sense, he and Chastity anyway. He couldn't believe he'd just thought that, Chastity with any sense? But it was true. She saw what a wasted life her son would have if they stayed together. She understood that the two of them were no good for one another. All those times their relationship had ended. Jackson mentally scanned through them all. Just after his accident, when he couldn't comprehend what the doctors were telling him. Months later, when he pushed Aaron into dating that guy, Flynn. When he was abhorrently livid with Aaron, just after the failed suicide attempt. And then finally when Aaron was offered the job in Dubai. Jackson blinked heavily. Each time had been incredibly horrendous, and each time, he had to admit, was down to him. Aaron had never been the one to do the breaking-up. Aaron had always loved him. That knowledge was like a giant boulder settled in the bottom of a churning river, its heavy weight preventing it from being carried along by the current. Aaron had always loved him.

Did love really conquer all? Apparently. That's what thousands of songs seemed to suggest. And Jackson had lost count of how many books he'd read where the protagonists overcome every obstacle to be with each other. They'd made Jackson sick, after a time, and he'd refused to read any more romance novel. He'd even gone as far as to stop reading a book when a romance begun to feature heavily. He was making sure that his own novel was having no trace of love in it.

Was that bitter? Probably. Was that pathetic? Absolutely. Jackson felt heavy in his chair. He'd had months of counselling. He had spent years plastering a smile on his face but Aaron was right. He was nothing without his writing. It was fine that Joe was his best mate because he paid him and let him do the gardening. The lonely man in his book was himself.

Jackson let his thoughts fall on Aaron. He wondered where he was.

* * *

><p>Aaron scanned the shop fridge. Skimmed, semi-skimmed or full fat milk? He couldn't remember. His mind flashed at the colour of the label, seen on his Mum's usual milk packaging. It had been green. Green. Aaron's eyes flicked between all three options. Semi-skimmed was green. He snatched at the two-pint bottle and wondered if it was enough. There weren't any larger ones, so he picked up two more, balancing them in his arm. He moved further towards the back of the shop and saw the coffee. He couldn't be sure of how much they had left so he picked up some more. Next to the coffee were teabags and he grabbed a box. Then, further along, there was a selection of biscuits. He grabbed some Chocolate Digestives. Then some Rich Teas. Then the Gingernuts. He thought he had enough until he spotted the Custard Creams.<p>

"Do you want a basket?" Aaron spun round. Alicia was standing in front of him. She was holding out a basket and had an amused expression on her face. He glanced down suspiciously, "Yeah, ta." He dropped everything into it and took the handle off her. She gave him a smile and he smiled back. He'd not really needed the basket. He was more than capable of carrying it all. He was that strong that he could probably have picked up Alicia as well. Alicia walked to the counter and returned to flicking through the magazine. Aaron watched her warily. He was suspicious of why she thought he needed a basket. He turned back to the shelf. There were cakes next. He picked a Victoria Sponge and some lemon slices and some jam tarts. He was going to make his Mum lunch. She would like that. That would make her leave him alone. Aaron wasn't actually hungry himself, he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. On the shelf, he noticed some milkshake powder. There was chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. He wasn't sure what Chas would prefer so he grabbed all three. Then he wandered to the alcohol and picked up a bottle of red. There was already alcohol at the pub but she would appreciate the gesture. He would make her lunch and even sit with her and that would calm her down. As much as it didn't seem like it, Aaron hated seeing his Mum upset, hopefully this would help.

Giggling sounded in the shop and Aaron turned around to see Leo run in, Paddy wasn't far behind. "Hi, Leo." Aaron waved and Leo stopped short a second before running into Aaron's leg and throwing his arms around him. Aaron dropped the basket to the floor and patted his head. Leo started banging the palms of his hands against Aaron's arms and talking to him. Aaron looked down. Leo grinned up at him. "An we go ta da swings?"

Leo's words were a collection of sounds collapsing into one another. Aaron couldn't understand him. Paddy walked over and grinned, he signed as he shook his head, "Not today, Leo." Leo crossed his arms and scowled. He didn't look very convincing and Aaron watched him curiously. "You alright? I heard you got a bit drunk last night," Paddy said, turning back to him. It was more of a statement than a question. "Wha ca we not go ta da sings?" Aaron shook his head to clear it. He couldn't understand Leo. It was unnerving him. "Yeah, I got a bit drunk."

Aaron suspected that Paddy wanted to say more on the subject but he seemed to change his mind. "I was hoping to bump into you anyway." Aaron raised an eyebrow questioningly. Paddy had an uncomfortable look on his face. Aaron kept bumping into these expressions, first his Mum, now Paddy. It made him wonder what was going on. "I was hoping we could go for a coffee."

"A coffee?"

"Yeah. Just the two of us."

"Peas!" Aaron glanced back down. Leo was putting on his most innocent expression. Did he mean to say peas? Aaron backed away. He wondered if Paddy had spoken to his Mum, this conversation that he wanted seemed ominous. "You seen Mum this morning?" Paddy seemed to shift. "Yeah." Alarm bells started ringing. "When?"

"Peas!" continued Leo; he was tugging at Aaron's sleeve.

"A few hours ago." A few hours? OK, well, Chastity had only just asked him about his medication. It meant this wasn't the topic of conversation. "What do you want to talk about?" Paddy looked further uncomfortable. "It's nothing to worry about. I just want to talk when were alone." Paddy gave a side glance towards Alicia. It was obvious she was listening. "What about Leo?"

"Rhona will be finished in a few hours. I thought we could meet in the café."

"I don't know." Aaron wasn't sure. He didn't know if he could handle any conversation right now.

"Peas."

"Just an hour? We've not really spent anytime just the two of us."

"Peas." Aaron was starting to feel the need to leave. This weird three-way conversation was stressing him out. Paddy crouched down and slowly signed whilst talking. "We've got to go back and cook Mummy some dinner." Aaron sighed in relief. At least, he understood what was being signed, that was something. He felt like he could take control of the situation now. He would sign to Leo. Leo would sign back. They would understand each other. Balance would be restored. He tapped on Leo's shoulder and the little boy looked up. Aaron took a deep breath. "What are you having for dinner?" Leo looked at him confused. Aaron signed again. Leo glanced at Paddy unsurely. "You're doing it too fast, Aaron. You need to slow down." It wasn't too fast. This was the perfect speed. He signed again. Paddy laughed. "Just slow it down. He won't understand unless you do." Slow it down? How could he do that? He was already going at a snail's pace. His hands were moving so slowly that the gestures were getting lost. He did it a third time. Leo wasn't getting it. Aaron slowed down further. The motions gently tumbled into each other. They took years to complete. He was now an old man with a crook in his back and a lifetime of regrets. Leo giggled. His eyes lit up with understanding. "Sasges."

What the hell were sasges?

"Sausage and mash, to be precise," finished Paddy. Aaron looked at him and then back to Leo. This was all too much.

"Aaron, are you alright?" Paddy was speaking gently. Of course he wasn't. He'd lost the ability to communicate with his brother. Aaron stared down at Leo. Anxiety was coursing through him. "Aaron, what's wrong?" He tore his eyes from the child's face. "Nothing. I'm fine."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Paddy studied him for a minute and Aaron knew that he needed to leave quickly. He picked up the basket. "I best be off." Paddy's gaze never left him. He plonked it on the counter and Alicia began ringing through all the products and bagging them up. She was glancing at him curiously and it was clear she'd heard their entire exchange. Paddy moved next to him and caught his eye. "Why don't you have dinner with us now?" Aaron could see the worried expression. "Nah, thanks. Having it with my Mum."

"That will be nineteen pounds twenty, please," Alicia announced. Aaron checked his pockets. He only had the one pound fifty his Mum had given him. "Err." Shit. What was wrong with him? "Can I go get some more money and come back?" Alicia looked incredibly put out. "Borrow it from me." Aaron turned his head and watched Paddy take a twenty-pound note. Aaron swallowed a sickly feeling down. "Thanks." He grabbed the bags. "I'll pay you back." He kept his head down and walked towards the exit.

"What about that coffee?" Paddy called.

Aaron marched firmly on. "Yeah, give me a text when you want to meet." He didn't even slow.

* * *

><p>Jackson still hadn't moved. Joe had walked past him several times. Each time he'd attempted to make conversation and each attempt had been more relaxed. Jackson was slowly pulled in, his anger from earlier, slowly diminishing. When Joe went upstairs, saying he was going to sort through some of Jackson's things for the charity shop as asked, Jackson had even smiled. He still hadn't moved but, at least, he'd managed a smile.<p>

"Jackson. What shall I do with these?" Whilst calmer, it didn't mean he was ready to return to normal conversation. Jackson slowly looked up to Joe, who had come downstairs and was now positioned in front of him. In his hand were some photographs. Jackson cocked an eyebrow. "I don't know. The charity shop won't want them. Bin them."

"You sure? They might be something to keep." Jackson felt exasperated. He wasn't yet ready to leave his thoughts. He sighed heavily. "Fine, let's have a look then." The first photo caused Jackson's breath to stick in his throat. He'd not thought, hadn't expected it, didn't even notice the slightly nervous look on Joe's face. The photo was of him and Aaron. Jackson was looking at Aaron, his eyes twinkling. Jackson could remember it clearly. It was from Joe's wedding. Aaron had just given Jackson a piece of cake. Jackson was smiling around the remnants in his mouth. Aaron was licking the icing from his fingers. Neither of them was aware of the camera. Jackson couldn't speak. Joe had been instructed to shove all images of Aaron deep inside his wardrobe. One of the advantages of not being able to move was that he couldn't retrieve them and obsess. Joe slipped the image to the back of the pile, revealing another one. This image had been taken by his mother on Christmas day. Aaron was opening their present from his Dad. For some reason, that year, Jerry had decided to include him in the gift. It had been season tickets to the football. Both Aaron and Jackson were stilled in a tableau of shock. He remembered the moment after. They'd both reacted excitedly. Aaron had stomped his feet and Jackson had twirled his chair. Jackson didn't want to look but he remained transfixed as Joe showed him the next one. Jackson had gone through a period of not wanting to eat out. It happened in the Woolpack one day. He'd become horribly aware of how he looked whilst being fed by other people. Everyone tried for weeks after that to get him out for a meal, but he couldn't be convinced. It was Aaron's birthday when he'd finally agreed. They'd gone to a Chinese restaurant, the food had been placed in front of him, but Jackson couldn't handle it. He'd begged Aaron to take him home. The image showed chops sticks in Jackson's hand, Aaron had positioned them there. Aaron's hands were clasped around his fingers and he'd scooped up some food and was shovelling it into his own mouth. Despite himself, Jackson had laughed. A flash of light indicated that a camera had gone off and with that, Jackson got over it. Jackson looked up at Joe, who was steadily looking back. "You think you're being clever, don't you." It wasn't a question. Joe revealed another picture. This last one was simply of Aaron wrapped around Jackson's neck. Both of them were smiling, both of them in suits. It was probably another wedding. They looked so happy.

"You're not exactly subtle."

"Never claimed to be." That last image burnt into his memory. He imagined it to be permanent. "These just happened to be lying around, did they?" asked Jackson, soft and mockingly. "No, I had to sift through a few albums and I picked out the best for dramatic emphasis." Jackson gave a small, sad smile. "Of course."

"You annoyed with me?" He wasn't, not even a tiny amount. These moments had been some of the best in his life.


	41. Chapter 41

Aaron's head was bent, his footsteps rapidly moving him forward. Paddy's eyes were burrowing into his back. His walk had a clear direction but he felt like he was going aimlessly. His bags hung clumsily at his sides like two stocky wings. His head jerked from panic. He imagined he looked like a demented pigeon. He needed to get back to the pub and erase what had just happened. For some reason, he'd lost the ability to communicate. He'd had enough now. He felt like he was going out of his mind. One minute on an amazing high, the next, completely dumbfounded. Why couldn't he talk to Leo? What was wrong with him? Maybe his voice didn't work anymore? Was he talking to Paddy OK? Did they just have a conversation? "Aaron!" Aaron looked up. Adam was walking towards him and he felt overwhelming fear. This would be the test, to see if he could have a conversation with Adam. If not, then, he was screwed. He'd be isolated from the world, unable to function properly. He'd have to live in one of those homes for people who have to be specially taken care of. Live out the rest of his life in an institution. Aaron wondered if it would look like the one he'd been in when he was hospitalized. He called out, "You alright, mate?'' So far, so good.

Adam jogged a little towards him and then stopped. "Yeah mate. You?"

"Yeah." Aaron breathed a sigh of relief. It was OK. He was OK. Everything was fine. He'd imagined the problem. Adam had a strange smile on his face, like he wanted to laugh, but there was also something else in it. Aaron wondered if this was another test, this time to see if he could comprehend expressions. If managed, he'd be allowed to interact and integrate with the human race. "You were hammered last night." Adam was worried, Aaron could read it clearly. That explained the awkward smile. Bingo! Test successfully completed "You heard?"

"I saw."

"You saw?"

"Yeah, I was in the pub last night when Zak and Cain dragged you in."

He didn't remember that. Was this his mind causing him trouble again or was it the alcohol? "You were paralytic." So he'd heard. That's what his Mum had told him anyway. It was funny how you just believed what people told you. Like now, for instance, Adam could be making it up. "So where were you drinking?" It was just like that philosophical question, 'If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?' Only, in this case, it was, 'If someone tells you something but you're not conscious to remember it, did it really happen?'

"Where were you drinking last night?" Adam asked again after the silence stretched on. Adam seemed to be standing a little too close for Aaron's liking. It was like he was curving over him, which was strange because Aaron swore he was taller than Adam. He stepped back, trying to be inconspicuous but Adam raised an eyebrow at him curiously. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to get some personal space," Aaron replied a little narked. "Aaron, there is about four feet between us!" Aaron snorted, that was just a measuring term. It didn't actually exist. It was a human creation, enabling us to label things. Timekeeping worked in the same way. It was just another tree falling in the woods. _Is perception reality_? Aaron internally laughed. He put a hand to his temple. All these thoughts kept tumbling into focus. Every snippet of everything he'd ever heard was palpitating like a second heartbeat.

"Are you hungover?"

"What?"

"You're holding your head." He was actually covering his ear. Aaron had the strange idea that all his thoughts might escape out of his head. He wasn't sure if this was appealing or not so, for now, he was plugging the escape route. "Yeah, I'm hungover," he lied.

"So, _where_ were you drinking then, and who with?

"Just on my own." Adam had stuffed his hands into his pockets. It was a familiar gesture that Aaron had spent most of his own life doing. In that moment it seemed like the anchor that would sort out his strange muddled life. He felt that re-creating that action might be the starting point to get all the pieces back where they should be. Aaron dropped down his shopping and copied Adam. Something wasn't working. He studied Adam to make sure he was doing it right. He was emulating him perfectly but it still felt wrong, it wasn't how he remembered it. Aaron gave up and grabbed the bags from the ground. "Your own? Why?" Adam was wearing a look. The look that said he wanted to discuss something delicate. First his Mum, then Paddy, now Adam, the expression was this afternoon's fashion accessory. Aaron braced himself. "Were you drinking when I came to see you yesterday at the cricket pavilion?" Aaron shrugged, "Yeah."

"Thought you were a bit odd." Odd? Story of his life! Aaron wanted to drop to the ground and roll around laughing. "I knew you weren't OK." Aaron stilled. He plastered on his best nonchalant look. "I was fine." Adam folded his arms in a display of doubt. "You feel like telling me what happened between you and Jackson yet?"

"I told you it was a mistake. We've both realised that." Aaron really had. He knew beyond doubt that he wanted nothing to do with Jackson for as long as he lived.

* * *

><p>So here Jackson still was. <em>Still<em> sitting in the living room,_ still_ making no effort. Still. There were a number of things he could be doing. Mark his students' work for one, or watch TV or listen to the radio. Instead, he was still sitting there. Only now he wasn't alone. Now he had eyes boring into him. Blue eyes. When he faced the eyes, there stared back into his. When he turned his chair around, they stared at his back. Different things appeal to different people. Aaron had always gone on about Jackson's eyes. In the privacy of their bedroom, when they were alone and Aaron was lying on his side and Jackson would turn his head, Aaron would look into them. Sometimes, he'd reach over and softly kiss Jackson's eyelids, but mostly, he would just look. Aaron's eyes had never held the same appeal for him. It had always been Aaron's mouth. So small and delicate, despite the snarl it often wore. When his lips were pursed, innocence descended on him, and when he smiled, Jackson knew his heart was fluttering. It was odd because Aaron's eyes had never quite held the same fascination, but now, for some reason, he was transfixed.

Maybe it was because the last time he'd seen those eyes, they been filled with hurt. They'd been wild and lost. He'd caused that. He'd made some terrible accusations. Did Aaron understand that there was no truth in them? That he knew Aaron never forced himself on him? That it wasn't a mistake? That it wasn't for old time's sake? Jackson paused, Joe had helpfully fanned out all four photos on the dining table. His eyes fell on the image of Aaron, with his arms wrapped around Jackson. So what did he mean then? That it was for _now's_ sake? Jackson crashed back his head against his chair. He didn't know what he meant. What the hell was the answer? He stared at the walls. He'd not left the house is forty-eight hours. The room wasn't helping. It was closing in on him, keeping everything contained. It was restricting him to obsess over the same thoughts again and again with no sight of a solution. He needed space, a fresh perspective. He needed to be outside

"Joe, Joe!" Jackson's calls were hurried and the desired effect was achieved when Joe's footsteps could be heard thundering down the stairs. Joe had a look of panic on his face. He leaned over the bannister, looking at Jackson, slightly out of breath. He raised an eyebrow as he scanned Jackson for a sign of the problem and then frowned when nothing became apparent. "You OK?"

"I'm going outside."

"What?" Joe had a look of disbelief on his face. "I thought there was an emergency."

"No, of course not. I'm just telling you that I'm going outside."

"You are?" Joe's eyes were wide like he was waiting for the catch. There wasn't one though, he simply needed to leave right now and get some air. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I'm just telling you."

"You're just telling me?" He was waiting for more, Jackson could tell. Maybe clarification as to why he suddenly needed to leave. Maybe an insight into what he was thinking. Maybe he just wanted to know if his words earlier had had any effect. "Yeah, I'm just telling you."

"How long do you think you'll be?" The concern was clear in Joe's voice. It was obvious that he was worried he'd pushed him earlier with his tough love speech and the photos. "I'm not sure," Jackson responded, warily. He just wanted to get out of the confines of the room. Joe leant heavily against the wall, he folded his arms, "You'll call me if you want company, won't you?" Jackson glared at Joe, "Can you please just open the door?"

* * *

><p>"It was a mistake, really?" Adam was in front of him, reaching out a hand to tap in a 'come on, please talk to me' way on Aaron's arm. Aaron stared at where it landed. He gazed up into Adam's eyes. In them he read comfort. He read authority. Adam was so grown up now, he even ran a business. Aaron was the opposite. He still felt like a child. Felt like that stupid teenager who spent his youth scared and running away. He'd had enough, it was all getting too confusing. He wanted someone to take control. He wanted to tell Adam everything. Fear immediately expanded through his limbs and he swallowed hard. He wasn't sure what would happen to him if he did. The consequences flew through his mind in quick succession. He imagined doctor appointments and his Mother's expressions and everyone crowding him. He was too scared. Aaron chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Yeah, just a mistake, he means nothing to me."<p>

A noise sounded to Aaron's right, just above the road, from one of the houses. It was a creaking sound, followed by scraping, like wood sliding across flooring. It was a familiar noise, one he'd heard a thousand times over. Adam looked over and before he'd thought, Aaron followed. His breath caught. His heart rate sped up. His vision zoned in and focused on a solitary point. He felt sick to the stomach. Jackson was looking back at him. _Jackson was looking back at him_. He needed to get out of there.


	42. Chapter 42

Adam's brow narrowed. He watched Jackson swallow hard and, from the corner of his eyes, could see the aghast expression on Aaron's face. Everything seemed to pause, as if the whole world had taken a bated breath, keen to see what happens next. It was obvious though. Adam knew it the second he turned to see Jackson sat, framed by the doorway. He knew by the adamant denial of his feelings that Aaron wouldn't be able to deal with this. As if to prove his point, Aaron immediately jerked forward like he'd been pushed from behind. He sped past keeping his head bent and his eyes downcast. Adam was ready for it and reacted on instinct. He couldn't handle seeing them hurting. He spun round and grabbed Aaron's arms, trying to hold his friend there. "Aaron, stay here." He didn't know what he was thinking, other than to try to keep them in the same place, try to get them to talk. Panic flooded Aaron's features. "Get off me, get off me!" he cried, using the weight of his whole body to try and free himself. "Aaron." Aaron hissed, his desperate face looking close to tears. "Get off me!" His eyes were wild, they were desperately imploring. Adam let go, shocked by his friends expression. The released tension caused them both to fall back. Aaron caught his footing first and immediately half walked, half bolted, leaving Adam standing there, breathless from the struggle. He whirled his head up to look at Jackson, whose eyes were following Aaron as he fled. Joe was now standing next to him; he'd seen the whole thing. No one said a word. Adam turned his head back as the small outline of Aaron disappeared from view. He was heading towards the cricket pavilion; it was obvious from the route he'd just taken, but also because that was where Aaron always went.

Adam had never been one to assign blame, it just wasn't his style. He'd always seen the world in shades of grey and it took a lot for him to take sides. He'd always understood that there were two versions to every story and that everyone should be given equal chance. For some reason though, today, he felt anger towards Jackson, and this, when he didn't even know what exactly had happened. "What the hell's going on, Jackson?" he demanded. He felt immediately guilty. Jackson wasn't even looking at him, he was just staring at the last point where he would have seen Aaron. His mouth kept working slowly, like it was trying to form words. He looked deeply troubled. Adam gently walked up the ramp towards the front door. He didn't want to be confrontational, he just wanted to help. Joe had his head down and his arms crossed. Adam stopped short of Jackson's wheelchair. He asked again and this time sounded gentle. "What's going on? I know you slept together. What's the rest of the story?" Jackson rolled his eyes and gazed up at him, slowly. It seemed to Adam that a massive reality had just hit him. "Yeah, mate, I _know_ you slept together." He bent down, bringing himself eye level with Jackson "We need to talk."

When Jackson spoke; the words caught in his throat and sounded half formed. "What about Aaron?"

"I need to talk to you first."

The first thing Adam noticed upon entering Dale Head was the photos, fanned out across the table. He lightly separated them, enabling him to see all four clearly. He'd never seen three of them. The only one he recognised was of Aaron and Jackson with the chopsticks. It had been Aaron's birthday and Adam had been there. In fact his disembodied hand could be seen in the background. Adam smiled to himself and turned back to Jackson. Jackson was licking his lips and eyeing the photos worriedly. Joe was sitting on the couch. "Aaron's in a right state, mate. He says he's fine but it's obvious he's not."

"I'm sorry." Jackson's answer was small. "What happened?" It wasn't clear if Jackson would answer. He looked so regretful and horrified with himself. "I didn't mean for this to happen." Adam asked again, this time more insistent. "What happened?" He pulled a chair from the table and settled into it, resting his elbows on his knees. He glanced at Joe, who was glancing between them both. Jackson appeared to be steeling himself, he looked reluctant to speak. He gazed up at the ceiling and shook his head, disbelievingly. "We argued after sleeping together. I threw some horrible accusations. He said a few words."

"Like what?"

"I said," Jackson scrunched up his eyes, "I said… he forced himself on me." From anything possible, this was the last thing Adam expected to hear. He reeled in his seat. Joe's eyes were wide, he looked disgusted. "What the hell…?"

"I know, I know!" Jackson cried, "I can't believe I said it. I didn't mean it, I was just trying to get rid of him!"

"Why?"

"Because…" Jackson crashed his head back into the chair. He bit down on his lower lip. His face contorted into an angry, confused scowl. "You know what?" Adam wondered what he was going to say. "This is between me and Aaron. It's no one else's business." No, Adam wasn't having that. If the two of them knew how to get on with it on their own then there wouldn't be so much grief between them. They'd be happy now, with probably an eight-year relationship to be proud of. Adam had always been amazed at what they had, he suspected that he'd never even come close to loving someone as much as they loved each other. For a while, he'd thought that it wasn't enough, that love wasn't enough to unite them, that there were too many problems to have a 'happily ever after.' When he first heard that Aaron was doing well in Dubai, he sighed in relief. Disaster averted, he'd agreed. Thank god, after all that, Jackson had ended things. It was the best for both of them. Only how can this be good, Jackson not willing to give a relationship with anyone else a chance. Aaron running back because of one simple message from Jackson, and both of them being so miserable without one another.

Adam shook his head. "Don't give me that crap. You're both my friends. I hate seeing either of you hurt." Jackson looked towards the window, Adam wondered if he could see anything or was just searching for a distraction. Jackson closed his eyes, resigned, he took a deep breath. "I never wanted to _hurt_ Aaron."

"Suggesting that he raped you, kind of contradicts that."

A sob bubbled from Jackson, "Nothing else was getting through to him."

"What were you trying to get through?"

"That he had a life, a boyfriend, a whole world already."

"He wanted you to get back together?" Aaron hadn't clarified this. He barely shared anything. Adam had mostly done the guess work. He was used to it. His friend had always been so private. Adam paused, he wondered if Jackson knew about Aaron's bipolar diagnosis. Something told him that he was in the dark. It would be typical of Aaron to hide it. He quietly contemplated asking, but as much as Jackson deserved to know, he felt it wasn't his place to say.

"Yeah, he wanted to get back together," Jackson confirmed. Adam glanced back towards the photos, his eyes landed on one with Aaron wrapped around Jackson's shoulders, Aaron's smile had never been wider. "Don't you think Aaron already knows what he'd be giving up?" Jackson didn't answer, his eyes were wrapped in tears, his mouth was parted, his eyebrows drawn. "Jackson, forget everything for a minute and tell us what you want. Not what you think should happen. Just what you really want."

There was silence in the room. Outside, a lorry could be heard passing through the village, it probably belonged to the Kings. Both he and Joe were holding their breath, each silently willing Jackson to be honest. Jackson shook his head. "You don't understand. It doesn't matter, Aaron is just here for a visit."

"What do you mean?"

"He's not been here in four years. Things have just gotten confused. He's just here to see his family and things got messy." Adam narrowed his eyes. This wasn't right. A major part was missing. The puzzle was incomplete. He scratched his head, "He's back here for you."

"He's back here for a visit."

"He's back here because of _your_ message."

Jackson paused, he looked disbelievingly, his eyes searched the room as if looking for something to anchor himself on. He spoke hesitantly, "He said he didn't get my message."

Adam leant further forward and caught Jackson's eye. "He got your message."

* * *

><p>Aaron's head knocked back against the wooden beam supporting the pavilion porch roof. A couple of items of shopping from the plastic bag were spilt onto the floor when Aaron had roughly dropped it. Aaron slumped, his eyes searching widely, he was jittery as hell and his heart was rapidly pounding, he felt like it might burst. He'd looked around until he noticed the bottle of vodka he'd been drinking from the other day, left behind on its side. No one had found it. There was still some left. Aaron held the bottle up and studied its content. He gently shook it and watched the contents slosh against the glass. Above him he could hear the birds twittering busily. He imagined their conversation, wondered if they were quarrelling. Birds argued just like people. Was it over worms and nest or more? Aaron scrunched up his eyes. Was it over ex-boyfriends who sleep with you and then reject you? Do birds have ex-boyfriends? He thought they stayed together to rear their chicks. Did that just last one season or was it for life? Aaron wished he was a bird. A part of him was a bird. He was thinking he was flying right now, he certainly couldn't feel the steps he was sitting on. Although, actually, he was more hovering. What kind of bird hovered? Whatever it was, he was now it. He was hovering. It wasn't a peaceful feeling. His heart rate was causing his whole body to beat like a baseline. He felt like he was reverberating inside his skull. A buzzing sound was engulfing him. Maybe he was a bumble bee? Aaron looked at the leftover vodka. He'd never seen a drunk bee. He wondered if it got them more agitated or calmer. Drinking always calmed him down and he was hoping it would work the same for the bee. He couldn't cope with this much more. He was like one of those simulator rides, those ones that jerk you up and down and forwards and backwards, whilst you're seated in front of a huge screen. The screens are so large that it makes you believe you're really there. He'd been on one of those as a kid when he visited a Butlins holiday camp in Skegness. It had been the only good thing about the weekend. He swigged down the vodka and stopped and winced as the acrid taste burnt his throat. Then he continued until the bottle was empty, there wasn't much left, but it quickly achieved the desired effect. The simulation slowed, the cogs in the machinery came to a stop and Aaron could actually hear his brain wind down. It was a relief. Aaron didn't understand what was wrong with him. He'd felt amazing when he'd woken up. In the shop, he'd bought a fantastical array of food. Afterwards, everything had gone wrong. Aaron scratched at his head and tossed the empty bottle of vodka behind his back, he turned around to look, amazed that it hadn't smashed. Leo was having trouble talking today. That must have been the problem because his own hearing was working fine. It's heard Paddy and Alicia and Adam. In fact every one of his senses was working amazingly, his hearing, his speech, his smell, his sight. His sight was marvellous, everything was clearer than ever before. The whole world had an intensity and lustre that he'd never noticed. Every detail was magnified, the wonderful green hills that surrounded the village, the astonishingly tall trees. The people, too, Leo with his soft-looking skin and Paddy with his metal-rimmed glasses that gleamed. And then there was Adam and Jackson… and Jackson. Jackson with his warm brown curls and big beautiful eyes and… Aaron tapped on his forehead. He didn't want to think of Jackson. Thinking of Jackson might start the simulator again. He wanted to remain calm. Suddenly, he heard the machinery start up again. It startled him. He couldn't tell where it was coming from, inside or outside his mind. He needed to stay calm. Was the simulation going through another loop? He heard the whirring of electronics, like a remote control car or a…<p>

Aaron looked up. The whirring sound was becoming louder. Immediately, he caught a recognisable, slender frame as it rounded the corner and wheeled fully into sight. He saw the warm brown curls and the soft brown eyes. He saw the sadness and the sorrow. He saw the small, hesitant smile. He held his breath. He saw Jackson.


	43. Chapter 43

Aaron seemed to sink back into the walls of the pavilion, blending with the grain of the wood. His eyes darted around in small circles, and it was possible he was looking for an escape route. There was tension in Jackson's jaw. His throat went dry and he wondered whether Aaron was going to run away again. Aaron's hands were sprawled beside him, as if he was ready to push himself up. He was glancing towards the big, open expanse of the green fields; Jackson knew if he ran into them, then there was nothing he could do. He couldn't follow, his chair was not designed for off-road.

"You lied to me." The words came out bolder than Jackson expected and they jerked Aaron's gaze towards him. There was anger and confusion in that expression, it routed him in his almost-raised position. "You lied to me." He repeated. Aaron swallowed hard. "You said you never got my message. Apparently you did and that's the reason you're back here."

Was Aaron going to answer? Jackson couldn't be sure. He looked closely at him. His body was held taut and swayed from the tension, the rhythm matching his heart rate. His hair, so much longer than he'd ever seen it before, was a ruffled mess. His eyes were large and round and diluted. His stubble from days ago could now be called a beard. His appearance was unkempt. His clothes showed multiple creases. So different from the man he'd slept with only two days ago. Aaron was biting his lip. His words came out as tense as his frame. "What difference does it make?"

"I'm not sure," confessed Jackson quietly. He continued hesitantly, "I guess I'm just keen to hear why you lied." Aaron's mouth opened and he aggressively exhaled, there was a sardonic undertone to it. He didn't speak, he just shook his head. It was more to himself than to Jackson. All Jackson could do was wait. He waited whilst Aaron continued to shake his head. He waited as Aaron jerked his leg up and down anxiously, and he waited when Aaron started absently rubbing his upper arm with his right hand. The rubbing grew more aggressive and Aaron stared, fixated on a spot on the flooring. Jackson continued to wait. His only grace was that Aaron hadn't left after all, so maybe, just maybe, he wanted to talk.

"I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did. I didn't mean a word." He really didn't mean a word. If anything was more true, then Jackson wasn't aware of it. His regret for what he'd said was consuming him. The hurt and upset that he'd caused in the other man had circled his mind for the last two days. He'd once told Aaron, years ago, that he was starting to think that everything that happens was meant to happen. He'd said it to make Aaron feel better about himself ending up in a wheelchair. This would mean he believed in fate, a predestined route that was unavoidable for every individual. This was a weird concept. It took away the notion that you were responsible for your own actions. Meaning that, what he'd said two days ago, in his bedroom, when there wasn't enough air, and Aaron's angry, tear-stricken face was aggressively shouting at him, wasn't _his responsibility_. It meant that he was supposed to shout at Aaron and Aaron was supposed to run away. The preceding events were all _supposed_ to lead to Adam explaining Aaron's reason for returning and to this moment now. Jackson felt no comfort in this theory, he saw it as utter rubbish. He caused this, he had caused all of it. He mentally screwed up the piece of paper that housed the idea and threw it away. He continued to look at Aaron. He was now using the palm of his hand to rub over the scars that lined his inner arm. Two large ones stood out, they were long and thick, the skin tissue was knotted through healing. Jackson had caused those scars. Each of them told a story. It mapped out the history of their relationship. Every scar signalled a milestone. Aaron kept rubbing them. It made Jackson feel sick. It made Jackson want to change the past and rewrite the predestined future so that there were no more scars. He wasn't going to write any more scars. "Aaron, please, say something." It was begging and Jackson didn't even try to hide it from his voice. Aaron leaned his head back against the pavilion wall. He let out a gargled sob as tears bubbled up from his eyes. He wiped aggressively at them. "What do you want me to say?"

Jackson voice was small, "I want you to forgive me." Aaron seemed to snap. His eyes grew wider, his entire face twisted into anguish. He laughed loudly and harshly. It was the most animated he'd been since Jackson's arrival. "I always forgive you. Every time!"

"I know and I'm sorry."

Aaron hunched over and rocked, he held his head in his hands. "What difference does it make?"

"What?"

"If I got your message. If I've come back for you. What difference does that make?

"I don't know." Every thought Jackson had so rigidly stuck to seemed to be unravelling. Every noble idea seemed utterly absurd. He felt himself struggle for breath. "I guess I've been thinking that you've just been confused since coming home. That old memories had resurfaced."

"So what if they had?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you're sorry. You're always sorry!" Aaron smashed his head back. The noise sounded shockingly loud. The aggression startled Jackson. "Aaron please don't do that."

"Why?"

"Because you're hurting yourself."

"What do you care!"

"Of course I care. I love you!" Aaron crashed his head back again. Jackson imagined that he heard the crack of a skull. That he saw blood soaking the wood. He blinked and there was nothing.

"Why couldn't you have said that the other day!"

"Because…" Jackson felt nauseous. His eyes were thickened as if protected in glass He scrunched up his face and the glass shattered, tears openly ran down his cheeks. "Because I was stupid and scared, OK. I was scared of what you returning would mean. Everything you have would be over." He clenched his teeth. "You were right about what you said. I am that lonely man in my book. But at least this way it's only me that has to deal with being in this wheelchair." A sob escaped his lips. He needed Aaron to understand, maybe then they'd be able to rise from the ashes. "I _hate_ being in this state. I hate how my life is ruined." He licked his lips and blinked heavily. "I don't want to ruin your life as well!"

"You've already ruined my life." Aaron's words were strangled by his tears. They consumed his entire face. His eyes were red and raw. His body shook. He grabbed at his hair and rocked. He smacked his fist into the floor and turned his head away.

"Aaron, please..." He let the plea die on his lips. He wasn't even sure what he was asking. Jackson watched as Aaron's sobs continued. His head was bent low. His hand rubbed into his eyes as if trying to burrow through them. When the cries died down, Aaron leant his head back again. His mouth was open and his breath kept gently hitching. He stared at Jackson lifelessly from the corner of his eye. Jackson's tears silently trailed his cheeks. Children could be heard playing in the background. A dog was yapping. A butterfly gently flapped past him, for a moment Jackson wondered if it would land on his chair. The universe was going on around them. Before that moment, Jackson hadn't even realised that a universe existed _beyond_ them. The silence stretched until Jackson, whose eyes stung and whose mouth was thickened by distress, finally spoke. He sniffed loudly. Aaron continued to stare, his body still shaking. "I messed up again." He took a big breath. "But I want it to be the last time. I want you and this time I won't panic and I won't send you away. I'll stop hurting you. I'm going learn to deal with being in this chair, I will." Aaron's mouth formed empty words. His eyes darted left and right. He was tiny and shrivelled. Jackson wanted to take care of him. "Come back to mine, please. Come back to mine and we'll lie down in bed and we'll talk. You can wrap your arms around me and will figure it all out. We'll figure out the next step." Aaron didn't respond, his expression was vacant. "Aaron, I love you and you love me. It's all one massive mess now, but we'll fix it all, together, I promise." Was Aaron hearing him? His gaze had landed across the decking. His eyebrows creased together, he seemed alarmed at something. He bit on his bottom lip. "You know, I've never stopped loving you." Jackson stilled at Aaron's confession, he knew this, deep down. "Dean is amazing, but, he doesn't compare to you, not even close."

"I feel the same way about you.''

"But Jackson, it's all out of control."

"I know it is."

"There are so many problems." Jackson imagined his stomach sinking. Aaron's words struck him. He saw into the immediate future. He saw Aaron get up and walk away, finally having enough. "Everything in the world is expanding." Jackson didn't speak, he felt confused. Was Aaron talking about them? "I'm a trunk that's too full. The only way to shut me is to sit on my lid first." Aaron chewed on his finger nail and turned away from Jackson. "I don't understand," Jackson said.

"I need to be contained, everything might float away otherwise." He was speaking absently.

"Aaron…"

Aaron slowly turned his head back. There was an unsteady focus that alarmed Jackson. "You know, I trust you more than any other person in the world. You've hurt me. You've literally made me feel like shit. But I still trust you more than anyone."

"I'm glad. But this is it," he begged. "This is the last time. I will never make you feel like shit again." Aaron blinked. "It will be you and me again. Everything will be good between us. We'll rewind four years. Go back to that last point when we were happy. I promise you Aaron." There was more silence. "Aaron, let's go back to Dale Head and lie down together. I'll keep you safe, keep you contained just like you need."

It started out small at first. Aaron's gesture was barely visible as he stared into Jackson's eyes. It then grew as he clenched his teeth. The gesture became a small nod and then evolved to become full and certain. Jackson let out a shaky breath. "You'll come back with me?" Aaron continued to nod. "Ok." It took a moment before he began to rise. His movements were jagged and awkward. His legs struggled to unfold. Once he stood up, Aaron held a hand out to the wall. He looked unsteady. "You OK?" asked Jackson. Aaron nodded again, "I've been drinking."

"OK." Jackson swallowed hard. "Take my hand, I'll look after you."

"OK."

* * *

><p><strong>A super, super thanks to Sylvain, who has waded through my words. I am a little too in love with the English language and it is a thankless task that he has undertaken.<strong>


	44. Chapter 44

Paddy felt cautious as he pushed on the heavy door leading through to the pub. He'd not wanted to come. His visit this morning had been fraught and his last words to Chastity hadn't been comforting. Inside, Paddy noted it was quiet. The lunchtime crowd had long since dwindled and now there sat a few stragglers darted around, sipping on their pints. It was the afternoons that highlighted the solitary drinkers. The ones who perhaps spend too much time here. Chastity was standing behind the bar. Her fingertips were pressed to her mouth and her stare was absent, she looked on edge. Paddy felt his stomach sink. He was deluded in hoping that he wouldn't come across the woman. He was hoping that he could just find Aaron and be out of there quickly. Earlier, she'd freaked out at the suggestion that Aaron and Jackson might get back together. She'd been adamant that she wasn't going to let it happen. Paddy had tried to make her understand. He reasoned with her and then when that failed, he'd snapped at her. He finally realised that they were getting nowhere. His plan had been to find Aaron and talk to him. Find out from the source what was going on.

Chastity turned slowly towards him, her brow narrowed and her hand dropped. It was a look of preparation, of readiness. Army soldiers probably primed themselves the same way before battle. Paddy squared his shoulders. "I was wondering if Aaron was about?" Her jaw tensed and she folded her arms defensively. Chastity was always doing this, building walls between her son and whoever she assumed to be a threat. She'd never created that barrier towards him though and his eyes widened in shock. "What, you going to stop him seeing me as well? He's twenty-six years old." Her glare stretched on and Paddy almost gave up. He finally noted her sag, he hoped it was from a realisation of how badly she was behaving. Her hand stretched to her neck and she stood awkwardly. "He's not here," she bit out.

"Do you know where he is?" Her tongue swiped at her bottom lip, concern increased on her features. "No."

"Right." Paddy felt uncomfortable. He wanted to turn around and leave without explaining himself, but bad manners had never been his specialty. "We were supposed to meet for a coffee. I've been ringing and texting him but I've not heard anything back."

"His phone is here, he left it behind."

"Right." They'd had a few troubles over the years between them. Most involved Aaron. They had always taken starkly different routes when dealing with him. Chastity's has always been via panic, Paddy's was via listening. But when it really mattered, when the point was at its most crucial, they'd come together. He didn't want this to be the thing that divided them permanently. "I guess I'll just go and see if I can find him then." He nodded at her, which came out as a strange jerk of the head. He was about to leave, when something in Chastity folded. The wall toppled and she dropped her arms. "Actually, Paddy," he turned to look at her, she seemed worried, "Aaron left four hours ago and he hasn't been back." That in itself wasn't strange. Aaron was known to just walk off, and sometimes for no particular reason, it was one of his defining characteristics. Paddy had seen it happen countless times. He felt apprehension roll off Chastity. "He went out to get some milk for coffee." Paddy did the quick math and realised that this was when he'd seen Aaron. "That must have been the same time I saw him, when I took Leo into the shop," he said quietly.

Chas' relief was restrained. "You did? Was he OK?" Was he OK? The answer to that wasn't clear. Alarm spread throughout Paddy's limbs. He leant against the bar, Chas was heading somewhere with this, he could tell. "He was upset." Paddy spoke cautiously. "Not when we first got there. He started having difficulty signing to Leo. It got him a bit agitated and he quickly left the shop."

"Difficulty? I thought he remembered all the sign language he'd learnt."

"No, that wasn't the problem." He tilted his head, trying to put a finger on it. "It was that he was going too fast, none of the gestures were defined enough. Leo couldn't understand." He recalled the first couple of times being amusing, but then he noticed Aaron's troubled expression. "I also had to lend him money because he had only brought out a couple of quid. This seemed to upset him even more. I couldn't follow him because of Leo, but we'd agreed to meet for coffee."

"Right." Chas bit her lip.

"What's going on?" She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked over to Rachel, who was collecting some glasses. "I'm just out the back, Rachel, call me if you need me." Chastity gestured and Paddy followed solemnly.

"The thing is, Paddy, I think that the alcohol he drank yesterday has affected his medication." Paddy was leaning against the back of the sofa and Chastity had walked further into the living room, she had her hands placed on her hips. "OK." He wasn't about to react unnecessarily, that was Chas' department. He'd lost count of how many times she'd freaked out before.

"Aaron was acting differently, earlier." She paused, shaking her head and thinking for a moment. "He was excitable and going back up the stairs and down and he really wanted coffee." She threw her hands up in defeat. Her description sounded hollow to him, not exactly something to worry about. But something in Paddy caused him to pause. It had been the same in the shop. Aaron had seemed a bit agitated. Telling it back diluted how out of sorts his behaviour had been. He knew, just like he had, that she was searching her mind for the appropriate words. She took a deep breath, something else occurring to her. "He woke me earlier. Five A.M. He was clambering down here. He had the TV on really loud. He…" She looked confused. "He was making breakfast and he asked me if I'd done something to the milk."

"Like what?"

"I think," disbelief graced her eyes, "I think he suspected me of poisoning it." Paddy stilled, his worry spiked. "He had cereal in his mouth, but then spat it out." She shook her head. "No, actually, he didn't. He just opened his mouth and let the milk run down his chin… but get this… he still ate the cereal." Chastity folded her arms, eyeing him, asking him what he made of that. Paddy didn't say a word. His eyebrows had narrowed. He dug his fingers into the couch. "It was five in the morning. I thought it was odd, but he was so drunk the previous evening. I honestly put it down to that. At lunchtime though, his behaviour wasn't right. He was too impulsive. I could have believed he'd taken something. It was like he was on drugs. But not in a big way, I mean he wasn't off his head or anything. He just wasn't the same as he'd been the last few days. He was…" she held out her arms, a look of complete uncertainty washed her face. "For want of a better word… elevated?"

Elevated was not usually something associated with Aaron. "Did you ask him?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "I asked him if alcohol could affect his medication. He said probably. He said he wasn't feeling any different though and that was it, really, him out the door and me waiting for him to come back."

"OK." Paddy needed a minute to digest this. It made sense. According to his limited research, bipolar disorder is all to do with brain chemistry. Alcohol affects the brain. It wasn't exactly a great leap to deduce that Aaron's strange behaviour was the result of drinking. For once he was immediately on the same page as Chastity. "I think you're right." Her body seem to flood with relief, she suddenly jumped into action. She patted her pockets and retrieved her phone. "We need to get him a doctor. I'll call the police."

"What, no!"

"Paddy, he needs help." This was exactly the problem. Once again Chastity Dingle reacting before thinking. "No, we need to wait until Aaron comes back and talk to him."

"What if he doesn't come back, he left four hours ago."

"He always comes back."

"Yeah, the last time was after a four-year gap!" Paddy closed his eyes. This wasn't the time for histrionics. If there was a problem, then they would help Aaron, just like they always did. "Chas." He walked round the sofa and stood in front of her. He took her arms in his hands and looked her in the eye. "If we didn't know about Aaron's diagnosis, would you honestly be thinking about calling the police?" He watched her scan through the events, she froze and grudgingly shook her head. "Right, well that's because his behaviour wasn't extreme. We could just be looking for problems here and Aaron won't thank you if he returns to find a search party." She didn't speak. "We wait until he returns. You call me and I will come back straight away. Okay?" He squeezed her arms reassuringly and then dropped them. "What if he doesn't come back tonight?"

"Well, then he'll be back in the morning and you call me then."


	45. Chapter 45

**2:45 p.m. **Jackson's voice commanded the front door to open. The mechanics slowly whirled into action and the door swashed gently inwards. Aaron was still holding his hand. The journey over had been silent. Their conversation earlier was too fraught to suddenly collapse into easy chatter. The entrance to the house was narrow and Aaron's hand slipped from his grasp to make room for the chair. Inside, Jackson rotated. Aaron was still standing on the path. His arm was hugged around his waist. He moved slightly from foot to foot and the motion caused him to rock. His eyes were just as red and swollen from before. "Come in," Jackson quietly encouraged. Aaron licked his lips, his eyes darted left to right and back again. Joe could be heard in the living room. It was apparent that he'd not been doing much whilst Jackson was out, probably just sitting at the table, waiting for his return. Joe had known his intention. Jackson had made it clear that he was going to find Aaron and talk to him. That he was finally going to stop the charade of denying everything. This didn't of course mean that he'd successfully bring him back. Aaron finally stepped through the doorway and the relieved half-smile on Joe's face died the moment Aaron came into view. Joe immediately got it, Jackson could tell. He could see that this wasn't a celebratory moment. That even in the best sense, things were not how they should be. That yes, Aaron was here, but things were far from restored. It was going to take a bit of time, there was no magic cure. "Hey Aaron." Joe's awkward wave made Aaron fold his arms protectively. He looked utterly vulnerable, like a homeless person, finally given respite from the harsh streets and their abusive pedestrians. It scared Jackson that he'd taken so much out of him. "Hi," Aaron croaked back. No one said a word.

"Joe," if they were going to get back on track, then Jackson knew they needed to be alone, "why don't you take the rest of the day off." Joe seemed weary. "Go home a see your two girls. I'll give you a call if I need you to come back." It was a personal plea to Joe. He wasn't in the habit of working on call. For one of the few times, he was evoking their friendship. "_It's fine that you have Joe as a best friend because you pay him." _Those had been Aaron's words. Well, that was going to change. From now on, Joe's friendship was going to be accepted as unconditionally as it is handed out. "Ok," Joe gave a small smile. "Yeah mate, it would be nice to spend the afternoon with them, they're going swimming." The room was tense and Joe's friendly talk was punctuated by the glances that he kept throwing Aaron. "See you guys later then?"

"Yeah," Jackson responded. Aaron gave a small nod.

**3:03 p.m. **Joe was long gone. Aaron was sitting on the dining room chair. He had a knee drawn up and his chin was rested upon it. The quietness was unnerving. At the pavilion, everything had been so tense and their words so heated, and now Jackson wasn't sure where to pick up from. Aaron didn't speak and Jackson didn't know if he should be emphasising his promises from earlier. After all, vocalisation was all he had. He couldn't get up and wrap his arms around Aaron. He couldn't lean forward and capture his lips before enticing him up to the bedroom. That's what was meant to happen now, wasn't it? Make-up sex, apparently the best kind. In the three months they'd been together before the accident, he and Aaron had make-up sex twice. The first time had been when Aaron asked to go to Lanzarote with him. It had been messy and hot, the kind of passion that creates electricity. The second had been after Clyde's death. That had been different. They'd folded into one another that day. The sex had been slow, passion replaced by need. This had been tender. It wasn't sex, it was lovemaking. Aaron had been on his back, his legs thrown over Jackson's shoulders. After they'd climaxed, they had stared into each other eyes. They'd shared something amazing. Jackson's head had lowered to Aaron chest and they'd stayed there for the rest of the night, gently talking and their hands never leaving one another. It had been the thing that gave Jackson the confidence to declare his love all those years ago.

**3:10 p.m. **"Do you want a drink?" It frustrated Jackson that those words would have to follow with, 'you'll have to get it yourself.' Nonetheless, Aaron rose from the chair. He walked hesitantly towards the kitchen and Jackson followed. His steps were unsteady and he handled the cups heavily. Jackson remembered that Aaron said he'd been drinking alcohol. A large spoonful of coffee was dropped into each cup before Aaron paused. Concern narrowed his eyebrows. "I forgot the milk I bought. I left it at the pavilion."

"Do you want to go back?"

"No."

**3:25 p.m. **Jackson moved his head around, chasing the straw as it circled his mug. Aaron was sitting back on the chair. He was watching over the rim of the cup. His blotchy eyes had settled slightly, but they were tiny. Jackson wondered if he was as shattered as he looked. Aaron leant forward and held the straw to Jackson's lips. "Thanks." They'd still barely said a word to one another. It was obvious that Aaron wouldn't take the lead. He was holding himself tightly. A light breeze could have shattered him. After a moment, Jackson said quietly, "I'm really glad you've come back here today." Aaron nodded. "I meant every word I said. You know that, don't you?" Aaron nodded again. It wasn't enough for Jackson. "I love you, Aaron."

"I love you, too." They both took another sip of coffee.

**3:45 p.m. **"What was it about this time?" This had been Jackson's defining reasoning. It was why he'd so easily believed Aaron when he'd said he didn't get Jackson's message. It wasn't, after all, the first one he'd sent. There had been a few and each one had been completely ignored. Even when Adam sent over Jackson's manuscript for Aaron's approval, there had been no personal comment relayed back. Adam had just approached him at Dale Head and said 'Aaron says yes.' That had been it, nothing else. No 'how are you,' or anything to that effect. It had left Jackson disappointed. For some reason though, this last message had gotten through. It had caused enough of a reaction for Aaron to jump on a plane and fly back. Aaron shrugged. He paused for a moment, concentrating on something behind Jackson's head. He took the longest time to respond. "I don't know."

**4:30 p.m. **"It's going to be really complicated." Aaron was nodding in agreement. He'd relaxed from earlier. Jackson was relieved when he'd migrated to the sofa after making their second mug of coffee. His agitation from earlier had dissolved. Aaron's head was rested on the arm of the seat. The alcohol he'd drunk had left him sleepy. "I know," Aaron responded. Their conversation was flowing easier, although Aaron's words were hesitant. This wasn't the excitable chatter of two lovers on a high after reuniting. This was a cautionary tale. There was _gravitas_ to their discussion. "I mean, you live out there, I live here."

"Yeah."

"I still can't move there. I wouldn't have the same quality of life in Dubai." Aaron was rolling his head against the sofa arm. He kept his gaze fixated on a point behind Jackson. A myriad of expressions fleeted his face. Jackson wasn't sure he was being heard. "What are you looking at?" He watched Aaron blink hurriedly and swing his eyes back to look at him. "Your curtains."

"What about them?" he asked, puzzled.

"They're covered in patterns." Jackson raised an eyebrow. His curtains were an insubstantial part of his existence. Their appearance had never registered to him. They'd been there since Hazel hung them several years ago. He'd thought that they were just plain blue. He swung his chair around and registered surprise when he realised they did have a pattern of sorts. He'd not cared enough before to consider them. The pattern fell in the material of the fabric, rather than being printed on. It was large crosshatches formed by the thread. Jackson raised a quizzical brow. "You don't like them?" he asked, confused.

"I came to realise recently that I don't like patterns."

**4:43 p.m. **Thoughts could be seen playing through Aaron's mind. Jackson suddenly doubted that he'd seriously given much consideration to the practicalities. "I'm going to move back to England," Aaron said thoughtfully. This was what Jackson feared most of all. Aaron's whole world was going to change simply because there wasn't enough wheelchair access in Dubai. It shouldn't have to be like this and Jackson sat heavy with the knowledge. The silence made Aaron lift his head and Jackson smiled uncertainly. "It's what I want," Aaron assured. He absently reached out a leg and rested it on Jackson's chair. They used to always sit like that, Aaron would always reach out to form some sort of contact between them. It filled Jackson with warmth and he sighed, comforted. Some things were going to have to change, that was unavoidable, but not the important things. He was going to make sure of that.

**5 p.m. **Aaron's expression had closed off. He'd curled into himself slightly, like a snail, sensing danger. "I hate that I'm going to hurt him." Jackson nodded. He didn't know Dean, but he was regretful enough to feel remorse for the other guy. From what he'd heard, he was a fantastic man. Chastity had made sure that Jackson had gotten the low down. She'd not so discreetly waved a photo of Aaron and Dean wearing a suit on a night out. They had taken Chas to a fancy restaurant when she'd flown over. They both had been smiling broadly and Jackson had felt sickened. He was still with Paul back then. Perhaps that had been the turning point in him ending their relationship. Paul had never caused him nausea. Wasn't that funny? He measured how much he loved someone based on the physical ailment that they could inflict upon him.

"You know, sometimes, Aaron," he tilted his head, laying himself bare to ridicule, "I would miss you so much that I felt sick. Even after all this time. The thought of not being with you for the rest of my life was too much." It's funny how easy it was to admit that now, after all the years of denial. Aaron took a breath, his eyes widened in relief. He reached over and took Jackson's hand. "I had that too."

**5:30 p.m. **"You know what my mum's like." Their hands were still entwined. Aaron kept staring at them intently. He'd blink sharply and then relax his gaze before repeating the process. Jackson found it odd. "She won't be happy when she finds out we're back together." Jackson agreed. When Aaron left four years ago, Chastity had turned on him. She would screamed vile insults and cried that Jackson had ruined her son's life. She would avoid him in the street, would make her staff serve him in the pub. She would state that she vehemently hated Jackson and no one could make her see sense. It was only when it became evident that Aaron was doing OK that she'd softened. Around six months after Aaron had left, Chas had turned up at Dale Head. In her hand, she had an image: Aaron had emailed it over to her. The image showed Aaron sitting with a beer and sunglasses. There was a man and a woman with him, they were all smiling. The date in the corner showed the photo was taken only a week earlier. Chastity had left him that photo. There was no malice behind it, she merely wanted him to know that Aaron was OK. Before she left Dale Head, she'd turned around and thanked him.

"I don't care what she thinks," Aaron said absently.

"She's going to find out."

"That doesn't have to be until tomorrow."

**7 p.m. **The house was still. The outside world seemed unaware as Jackson lay on his bed. Aaron's arm was draped across Jackson's stomach, his head rested on his chest and rumpled shirt. Jackson couldn't feel it, but he knew Aaron's fingers were stroking his sides. The last time they were in this room had been different. The atmosphere was tense and filled with anger. Aaron had kicked off and aggressively grabbed Jackson. The contrast now was incredible, the calm they both felt was overwhelming. They were floating along a gentle current. Aaron turned his head and slowly inched forwards, capturing Jackson's lips with his own. This was the first kiss of their new future. They paused against each other's mouth, exchanging oxygen. There was no passion in the kiss. It was pure love. It felt like Aaron wanted to split him at the seams and climb inside. Aaron reached out a hand and gently pulled at the soft curls on Jackson's head. Jackson grinned fondly. Aaron's own hair was longer than it had been when they were together. It had been one of the first things he'd noticed when they saw each other in the café, only six days ago. The observation had immediately fallen to the wayside and even now he'd not commented. "What made you grow your hair out?"

"Practical reasons. The sun kept burning my head." Their voices were low, matching the calming mood that permeated the room.

"I like it."

"I got grief over it from Adam and Cain. You'd think it was long enough to tie back or something, like a biker's." Jackson's smile broadened. There was something about that image that was appealing. He pictured Aaron riding a motorbike, all in leathers, and sunglasses resting on his face. "I like your beard as well, it suits you." Jackson realised that they were so different. No longer two men in their early twenties. They really were adults. "You look like me now." He chuckled. Aaron lowered his head back to Jackson's chest. He spoke after a moment. "We're the same person, Jackson. We are each other."

**7:30 p.m. **The conversation had turned light. It had settled on where their first holiday together would be as a renewed couple. Jackson felt a new lease on life in him and wanted to return to his dare devil phase. "How about swimming with sharks?" Aaron scowled at him, he'd never been anything but terrified when it came to being adventurous. He gave his first withering look in four years. It made Jackson want to cry from happiness.

**8 p.m. **Jackson gazed up into the eyes above him. His own hand was being used to swipe across Aaron bare chest absently. They were both naked. Aaron had a look of pure euphoria on his face. His head was tilted back, his eyes still and his mouth open. He'd just climaxed. Aaron stayed like that for long moments. They looked at each other, sharing a smile before Aaron reached for the bed controls. He lowered Jackson, dropped the remote and just lay out over him. He didn't even bother to clean them up first. Jackson kissed the top of Aaron's head.

**8:40 p.m.** "Dubai is hot, seriously hot, especially in the summer." Jackson had been raised back into a sitting position. "In the summer, the minute you step outside, a sheen of sweat instantly covers you." Aaron was sitting cross-legged, further down the bed. "It's also a giant building site. Where I live anyway, you've got one finished building next to an unfinished building. Not in the tourist sections though, they're pretty finished." Aaron looked a little like an excited child, chattering on about his day at school. Jackson raised an eyebrow, Aaron was tapping out a rhythm on his knees. "There are not that many trees either, just one giant desert. I'm going to be pleased to be around trees."

**8:50 p.m. **"Are you alright, Aaron?" There was something about his behaviour that Jackson couldn't quite figure out. He was still sitting cross-legged and the rhythm he'd been drumming against his legs had increased in speed. He'd just gone into great length about the differing characteristics between England and Dubai. He'd analysed how fake everything appeared in Dubai. Everything had sprung up overnight, due to the discovery of oil. He said it had covered over what had been before. He said there was almost an embarrassment of their heritage. He said it wasn't like that here. He said that English history expanded through every new layer built, that our history seeped from every pore. It made Jackson blink. He wasn't used to Aaron being so expressive with his words. "Yeah, of course I'm alright," Aaron replied. Aaron had become more animated as he was speaking. Whilst discussing the difficulties of getting pork in Dubai, he'd leant forward to talk in a conspiratorial tone, and then leaned back and actually giggled. Aaron had never really giggled before. "I feel amazing."

"You just seem a bit…" Jackson didn't know the word to use, "…speedy?" A grin spread Aaron's cheeks. He twisted onto his hands and knees and crawled the short distance to Jackson. His movements were provocative. It wasn't something that Jackson was used to. He read the look in Aaron's eyes. It caused Jackson's breath to hitch. The kiss, when it came was deep and hungry. Aaron pulled back and traced Jackson's lip with his finger tip. "You just make me feel amazing, Jackson."

**9 p.m.** Aaron's kisses were insistent. They covered Jackson's cheeks, and his neck and finally his lips. They were wet and hurried as he held Jackson's head firmly. He watched Aaron straddle him again and move against his thigh. He was rocking his hips and Jackson could see that the friction was making Aaron hard. Jackson raised an eyebrow, surprised. "You're ready to go again?" Aaron grinned, "What can I say, you make me hot." Jackson responded to the kiss. Aaron's movements sped up, he swayed his pelvis back and forth over Jackson. His smile was lost in gasps of excitement. There was something animal about Aaron moving against him. He was splaying his hands out, grabbing at any part of Jackson he landed on. His eyes were rolled back into his head. Jackson looked at him, Aaron had never shown such abandon during sex. Though the scene playing out was deliciously kinky, Jackson couldn't help the nervousness that he felt creep into his head. Aaron was moving faster and faster, his breathing more rapid. "Aaron." Aaron paused, he looked around wildly. "Slow down a bit."

"I can't."

**10:30 p.m. **Aaron sat crossed-legged again, his head was down, and he kept gently trailing his fingertips up and down the outside of Jackson's leg as he lay. His concentration was intense. He seemed transfixed by the texture of the skin. "Are you hungry?" Jackson asked. Aaron shook his head. "We haven't eaten in hours, I could order a pizza?"

"I'm fine, you go ahead."

"What are you doing?" Jackson couldn't put his finger on it, but there was definitely something strange about Aaron, it had become more and more evident as the evening continued. "I'm examining my leg." Jackson's eyebrows narrowed, "Aaron, that's my leg." Aaron grinned, "figuratively, it's my leg and this…," he uncurled his own and stuck it out, close to Jackson's face, "is your leg. We belong to each other." As symbolic and romantic as that could be considered, Jackson didn't comment. Instead, he felt apprehension, "Aaron, when did you last have alcohol?"

"At the pavilion."

"So, nothing since you've been here?"

"No."

"And you haven't taken anything else?"

Aaron scowled, "of course not." The apprehension that Jackson felt solidified.

**12 a.m. **When the clock signalled the new hour, Aaron and Jackson had startled slightly. The beep had stopped their chatter. Aaron was looking for the source of it. "It's the oven clock, from downstairs," Jackson explained. "So, you're definitely feeling alright then?" he continued. He'd been questioning that for the last hour and a half and each time Aaron had been dismissive. He'd been much more interested in discussing the holiday that they were going to take together. He'd even taken a U-turn and had decided that swimming with sharks would be fun. Aaron's response was in a whisper, "Yeah, I'm fine." Jackson looked at him. He was sitting on his knees and had frozen on the bed. His body grew taut and he stared out of the corner of his eye. "Why are you whispering?"

"Because you don't know who's listening"

**12:05 a.m. **Jackson felt startled by Aaron's comment. Why would anyone listen? The house was on the end of the terrace. Tug Ghyll to its left and the garage further back on the right. At all times, he felt his privacy. It was late and anyway, anyone wandering by wasn't likely to hear their conversation. The garage would be all closed up now. Cain would have long since retired home. "Do you mean Cain?" He lived next door.

"I mean anyone." He watched Aaron rise from the bed and scan through the window, down to the street. "Aaron, wha…?"

"Shh!" He waited a second, poised, straining his ears. It reminded Jackson of an animal scouting for danger. "I think they're gone." Unease curled around Jackson. "Aaron, was there even anyone there?"

**4 a.m. **Jackson was roused by the gentle whispers. His sleep so far had been uneven and broken. Aaron had continued to wake him for easy chatter. At one point, he wanted sex again and Jackson had engaged him, before they'd settled back down to sleep together. Shattered now, he stirred and looked up. The bedroom light had been turned on and the large blue eyes of Aaron Livesy were looking at him.

"Jackson," Aaron spoke softly. "What's the password on your computer?" Jackson didn't have a clue what was going on. "Why?"

"I'm going to book a holiday." Jackson looked over and read the clock on the wall, he couldn't believe the time. He blinked blurrily, "you should be asleep, Aaron."

"I'm not tired."


	46. Chapter 46

The crashing sounds could be heard before Sarah even unlocked the front door. Her eyes were wide and she was cautious, keenly aware that the last visit to Dale Head was fraught. Jackson had been a mess, he wouldn't let her get him up, and he wouldn't eat. She'd left him when Joe came to take over and she had no reason to believe things were better now. Although she had no reason to believe things were worse, except for the crashing noises. She shifted her shopping bag to one arm and fumbled with the door key. "Hello?" she called out tentatively. The sounds from inside decreased momentarily as the door was carefully opened, its creaking hinges becoming the most prominent noise. "Joe?"

"Hi!" A person jumped into view and Sarah almost dropped her shopping bag. Aaron was in the living room. _Aaron was in the living room?_ He had no shirt on or socks, just jeans. Had this not been such a shock, then she would have taken a moment to enjoy the view. In one hand he held a spatula and the other was covered by an oven mitt. Sarah just gapped at him, she couldn't find any words. "Hi, are you alright?" Aaron beamed, "I'm making breakfast." She could see that. Aaron was here and he was making breakfast. She glanced at her watch. It was twenty-four hours since she stepped into this room, what the hell had happened in that time? Aaron disappeared for a moment from view and returned with a frying pan. He jerked it upwards and Sarah saw a pancake flip. He'd tossed it quite high and she was impressed when he caught it. Aaron smiled at her broadly, "Skill, huh?" Sarah just nodded, her eyes were wide. The last thing she expected was to find Aaron here. She'd been psyching herself up all morning for a tense day of Jackson pretending he was fine whilst obviously not being fine. Aaron flipped the pancake again, to prove it wasn't a fluke. Finally, Sarah found her tongue, "What's going on?" He disappeared again and returned, this time with a glass of orange juice and thrust it towards her. The shopping bag she clung to slid to her feet and she straightened up before tentatively taking the glass from his outstretched hand. She stared into it, puzzled. All indication suggested that something good had happened in her absence, she needed confirmation. "What are you doing here?" She barely dared to hope that it meant what it seemed.

"We talked, we're getting back together." Aaron's hands rested on his hips. He rolled onto the balls of his feet and it added a couple of inches to his height. He had the widest smile on his face. Sarah wanted to jump up and punch the air. She tried in vain to rein her excitement, "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday." She mentally kicked herself, why did she have to miss all the good parts. "Where's Jackson?"

"In bed, I wanted to take him breakfast up." Aaron excitedly gestured for her to follow and she rounded the corner to the kitchen. She stopped sharply at the entrance. Every inch of the kitchen was covered in mess. It explained the crashing noises. Pots sat on the four gas rings. Fat could be heard popping inside a frying pan. The kitchen was filling with smoke. A measuring jug overflowed with something that looked like eggs. An empty can of beans lay on its side. Plates were stacked up in the sink. Every piece of kitchenware looked like it had been pulled from its place and used. Sarah couldn't believe the state of the room. "I used to always make him bacon sandwiches. I wanted to do something even bigger." Her eyes were starting to sting from the smoke. She could see it was from the sausages and bacon in the frying pan. The fire alarm would definitely go off soon. "Maybe you should turn down the gas," she offered, helpfully. Aaron studied it for a second. "Of course, of course," he said as he hit his head lightly, "I don't want to cause a fire, do I?"

Aaron seemed to be almost dancing around the room. He played with the dials on the hob and then flapped his arms around exuberantly, waving off the smoke. She looked at him from the corner of her eyes. She hadn't realised how excitable Aaron was. In contrast, she'd been told that he could be quite reserved. This wasn't what she was seeing now. "You'll have some breakfast, won't you?" Everything looked burnt or boiled dry. That pancake he'd tossed earlier was now cremated. Her dismayed expression must have been obvious. "I know it's a bit well done. I kept forgetting I was cooking. I kept running back upstairs and completely forgetting." He laughed and Sarah blinked, she wondered if he'd been drinking. This certainly didn't match her image of Aaron. She tilted her head, "I'll just pop up and see Jackson?" This was deflecting, because there was no way that she was going to put any of that in her mouth. Aaron absently nodded. He was staring into a pot that had burnt beans in the bottom. A look of horror washed over his face and he quickly dropped it back to the gas ring. Sarah looked at him, shocked, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah." He swallowed hard, "I thought they were something else then."

"Like what?"

"I'm not sure."

Sarah paused outside of Jackson's bedroom, she couldn't hold back her smile. It was caused by uncertainty; Sarah always smiled when she felt like that. Really, she just wanted to grin teasingly at Jackson for finally getting his man, but Aaron's behaviour had left her perplexed. Her journey upstairs had been accompanied by the crescendo of noises from Aaron continuing his crash around the kitchen. Every few steps, she'd paused, assessing the most recent noise, before hesitantly moving on. She gently tapped on the door and slowly pushed it open. Just as before, Jackson was laid out on the bed, it was obvious he was naked under the cover, _just like_ _before_. He was raised this time and his TV was on, the volume set at low. Sarah couldn't miss the relieved look on his face, her smile instantly dropped. "I'm glad you're here," he said hurriedly.

"You are?" She raised an eyebrow, not many lovers wanted interference from the outside. "Yeah, you saw Aaron downstairs?" He couldn't be missed, him or the giant mess he'd created. "I did." Jackson looked troubled. She felt utterly confused. It was like she'd crossed over to a parallel universe on the stairway. Instead of finding a Jackson up here as elated as the Aaron downstairs, she had someone acting out of synch. She moved further into the room, "What's going on?"

"I'm not sure, I need you to get me up." She walked until she was standing next to him, "I thought Aaron was making you breakfast in bed?" Jackson's tongue swiped his lower lip, his eyes stared back at her. "He's been trying to do that for the last two hours."

"I don't understand."

"I don't either." He looked around the room as if it possessed some kind of clue. "Did he seem alright to you?" Sarah answered cautiously, "He seems great. Better than that. You should see the mess he's made downstairs." She watched Jackson nod worriedly, he was collecting his thoughts. Eventually, he looked up. "That's not Aaron downstairs. I don't know what's going on, but he's been acting strangely since last night."

"What do you mean?" Another crash sounded and they both paused for a moment. "He's been really hyperactive. I can't get him to sit still. He keeps going from one topic of conversation to the next."

"I thought he was a bit happy, it didn't match what everyone had said about him."

"This is more than happy, it's like he's…" Jackson shook his head, "I don't know." Immediately, Sarah thought back to Jackson's book. She listened for a moment to make sure Aaron wasn't coming up the stairs. Her next words were reserved, "Was Aaron like this before he was hospitalised?" Jackson's eyes slowly rose to hers. It was obvious that he'd been asking himself the same question and he couldn't handle it being aired. "He wasn't like this," he replied in a small voice.

"No?"

"No," Jackson said, lightly biting his bottom lip, "he was delusional. He was screaming and crying. He was paranoid." Jackson paused as if something had jogged his memory. "Last night, he was paranoid, too."

"He was?"

"Yeah," Jackson said absently, "he thought someone was listening to us. He made me whisper before checking they'd gone. I don't even think there was anyone there." She just looked at him. "I don't understand what's going on. He's been fine. I've spent hours with him and before yesterday he was fine." Downstairs, the microwave started. Sarah had a feeling that it contained that jug filled with eggs. "What are you going to do?" A sickly look crossed Jackson's face. "I need to go and speak to Chastity." His expression told her everything. Sarah was vaguely aware that Chas had taken Aaron's departure out on Jackson. She'd especially blamed him when they all thought he was getting ill again. "We were going to head over to the pub anyway. We'd planned it last night. We thought it was best to tell her about us early, before anyone else found out." Jackson closed his eyes, he had the weight of the world to consider. He exhaled slowly. "It's bad enough that she's going to freak out over us. If there's something wrong with Aaron, it will be ten times worse."

The heavy footsteps sounding on the stairs broke their conversation. Aaron came bounding into the room. He no longer wore the oven mitt but this time had a cooking apron on. He seemed utterly frenzied. "Breakfast is not going to happen." Sarah and Jackson didn't respond, they just looked at him. He walked towards the bed, stopped and then aggressively whipped off the apron and threw it onto the bed. Aaron smiled at them conspiratorially. "Sometimes, it's important to admit when you've been defeated." She realised that Jackson was right, this is _beyond _happy. "I've made such a mess, you should see." Aaron laughed, "Such a mess!" There was something in his voice that was unsettling. It was like he was borderline between ecstatic and hysterical. "I really need to clear it up!"

"I can do that." Sarah quickly jumped in. Jackson shot her an appreciative glance. "No, no. I should really do it." He made to head back down the stairs but stopped before leaving the room. She felt slightly stupefied by the sight in front of her. "Me and Jackson are going on holiday."

The change in conversation was abrupt. "Yeah?" Sarah's smile was big and false. "Yeah, Jackson wants to…" Aaron drifted off for a moment. He brought his hand up to his neck and stood, confused. He seemed troubled. "Where are we going Jackson?"

"Diving. Preferably somewhere we can swim with sharks." Jackson's eyes were filling with tears. His mouth was parted. He blinked and the tears went away. "Yeah, that's right, diving," Aaron nodded, completely to himself. A horrible tension filled the room. It seemed that only she and Jackson were aware of it. Aaron's confused gaze settled on something in the corner of the room. He was completely unaware of their worried expressions. "Aaron," Jackson spoke softly, "are we still going to tell your Mum and Paddy about us this morning?" The response started out as a small nod. "Yeah, that's right, we need to do that, don't we?" Whatever he was occupied by seemed to lose his attention. Aaron turned to them and laughed. "You want to hear a joke?"

"Sure."

"What's loud and brash and likes to scream?"

"I don't know," answered Jackson apprehensively.

"My mum when she finds out about us!" The laugh that followed was hysterical. Aaron landed heavily on the bed, falling on Jackson's legs. Sarah felt panicked, she knew she needed to get Jackson up straightaway. They needed to find help. Jackson couldn't, not in his condition, and her first priority had to be to him. Aaron's laugh continued. It got louder and louder, finally dying into breathless gasps. "Are you both going to see Chastity now, then?" she encouraged quickly.

"Yeah." Jackson rapidly nodded his head and Aaron soon followed, he was still sprawled out on the bed. "Great." She checked the clock, it read twenty to eleven, "I fancy an early lunch. Why don't I come with you?" There was no way she was leaving them alone whilst Aaron was in this state. They didn't know what was wrong, but it was clear that something was. Jackson caught on quickly, "Yeah, why don't we get dressed and head over now?" Aaron looked carefully between the two of them; if he had another idea, he didn't voice it. Instead, he nodded and jumped to his feet. There was something childlike in his movements. Everything was done as if it was part of a great adventure. "You sort yourself out, Aaron," Jackson encouraged, "Sarah can get me dressed." Aaron thought this was a fantastic idea.

They didn't bother with the normal routine. There was no morning wash, no bothering with brushing teeth, Jackson wanted to get to the pub as quickly as possible and Sarah wasn't going to argue. Aaron could be heard in the bathroom, the taps were on full force. "I texted Paddy," Jackson said, keeping his tone low, "I thought it was best if he was there."

"Did he respond?"

"Yeah. Apparently, he wants to speak to Aaron anyway." Aaron returned to the room just as Sarah was securing his seatbelt. They immediately stopped talking. It was obvious his energy from earlier had died a little. His arms were wrapped around his frame, and he looked anxious. "You OK?" asked Jackson, concerned. Aaron nodded. There was no excitable expression. No boundless energy. Aaron leant his body heavily against the door frame.

"You ready?" asked Sarah. Again, Aaron nodded. She shared a look with Jackson. A grim expression set on his face and her heart went out to him. None of this made sense and she knew he, along with her, was imagining the worst possible conclusion. "I wish we didn't have to do this." They both looked at Aaron. "My Mum's going to go crazy, leaving Yorkshire would be an easier task."

"We agreed, Aaron. It's going to be alright, I promise you." Aaron nodded again. "Take my hand."

"OK."

The journey over had been calmer. Aaron's behaviour was just as strange but, this time, it was accompanied by anxiety. He kept close to Jackson's wheelchair. Sarah felt her own unease. There was likely to be arguments about Jackson and Aaron, but surely the most important thing was Aaron's health. It had just turned eleven a.m. The pub would have just opened its doors to the customers. Sarah took a big breath as she pulled on the door handle, allowing Aaron and Jackson to enter first. Aaron slipped his hand from Jackson's grasp to give him room. There was no noise from inside. Once inside, Sarah immediately paused. Aaron and Jackson had stopped just short of the door. Paddy and Chastity were sitting at a table. They were looking back at them; an unreadable expression matched their faces. There was another man sitting at the table. Sarah had never seen him before. He looked in his early thirties. He had a deep tan and black hair that was spiked up at the front. The smile on his face was full. Sarah had no idea who he was. "Surprise!" the man said, he had a slight Manchester accent. He stood up and put his arms out in greeting. There was a pause and then Aaron spoke, "Dean."


	47. Chapter 47

It was like everything had been slowed down for dramatic effect. Just like in those films when the action is so fast that the speed is reduced to create a stylized scene. Every flying fist, every raised eyebrow and every flic of sweat is pumped up and magnified. By the time the film speeds up, you've witnessed the protagonist take out twenty armed robbers, steal a car and rescue the girl. Of course, the scene in front of him was different. Jackson was no action hero. His days of taking on punks were long gone. The location was not some underground car park or secret military base. The people in the room were not the undistinguished henchmen sent from a leader hell-bent on evil. Here he was, though, in a scene of his own, and just like in those films, everything had been slowed down.

The man in front of him was raised. His hands were outstretched. His smile lit up his face. "Dean." That had been Aaron's only word and Jackson's whole world had immediately slowed down. He blinked. He slowly lowered his eyelashes. It caused a momentary blackout. When Jackson opened his eyes, the scene had progressed. Aaron had left his side, his arms were circling Dean's neck, slowly pulling him close, slowly encircling him in an embrace. The action took a lifespan. "What are you doing here?" Aaron asked. Was it shock or happiness in his voice? Jackson blinked. Dean's hands were frozen as they held Aaron's face. "I missed you." Jackson blinked. Spectators watched all around them, Chastity, Paddy and Sarah. Was Aaron trying to look at him from the corner of his eyes? His smile looked large. His eyes were big and round. Their embrace looked comical as they slowly moved once again into each other's arms. Dean pulled back and studied Aaron's face. "It was your Mum's idea," his smile was so wide. Chastity's eyes swung around gradually. Every nuance of expression took an age to complete. Her gaze landed on Jackson. Chastity was looking at him. Her mouth became taut, those usually full lips had hardened and become thin. She continued her stare. Jackson blinked again. "Mum's?" The expression on Aaron's face was one of confusion.

"She called me and asked if I'd come and stay." Jackson knew Aaron hated surprises. "I know you hate surprises but I couldn't resist." Paddy's smile was forced. In slow motion, it was obvious, the corners didn't reach. Jackson blinked. In slow motion, Aaron could be seen even clearer. His movements were looser than ever before. His expression less guarded. His laugh nervous, his eyes were rapid. He wasn't right. It was as clear to Jackson as day was from night. Jackson blinked. Dean turned. He turned his tanned skin and warm smile. Jackson blinked. He turned his jet black hair and toned arms, his crisp white shirt and sharp trousers. His slightly wrinkled eyes, he turned the whole of him towards Jackson. "Hi." The greeting was polite. "This is Jackson," Aaron said and then as an afterthought he added, "and Sarah." Jackson waited. He waited for the polite smile to fade, for a look of recollection to grace his face. There should be a momentary pause as Dean searched his memory for that name. Hearing it should instantly form mild concern until it finally clicked. Then the smile should become guarded. '_Oh_,' it should say, '_you're Jackson_." None of that happened. Jackson blinked. He got the customary glance as Dean flicked over the wheelchair. He read the curiosity in that expression, everyone he'd ever met gave him that expression. Jackson blinked. Dean showed no more than mild interest and absolutely no concern. Jackson blinked. He was nothing in Dean's eyes. He wasn't a threat of any kind. Had he even heard Jackson's name before? Jackson blinked, he felt himself tipping sideward in the darkness, when he opened his eyes, he'd not moved. "So, you're happy to see me?" grinned Dean. With everything slowed down, it was easier to notice Aaron's eyes staying fixed on Jackson's face for that moment, his tongue swiping at his bottom lip and his eyebrows arching in panic. Aaron turned back to Dean, "Of course. When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago. Your Mum came and got me from the airport."

"Well, we couldn't make him hitch a ride here, could we?" Chastity's eyes were beaming lasers into Jackson's. In this slowed-downed scene, the protagonist should come face-to-face with the lead villain. They'd enter combat. At first, it would appear that she has the upper hand. He would finally defeat her. Jackson blinked. He thought he might be sick. With everything slowed down, Jackson could feel the tension rolling off Sarah; he could see the tightness in Paddy's frame. He could hear how deformed Aaron's laugh sounded and notice the slow arch of Dean's eyebrow. "Are you ok?" Dean asked. "Of course." Did Aaron's response fool anyone? Dean's gaze stayed fixed too long to be considered casual. He slowly rolled an arm out to stroke at Aaron's arm, there was a curious look on his face. Paddy seemed nervous, Chastity seemed angry, was this obvious to everyone or just to him in his slowed-down world? Dean looked at Aaron, hesitantly, as if he was trying to decide if he should move the conversation on. "Did you tell them?" he asked, eventually; there was a small smile on his face. He gradually flicked a look towards Jackson and Sarah, Jackson couldn't understand why. There was a blank expression on Aaron's face and it was obvious he didn't have a clue what Dean was talking about. Aaron then registered the topic. It was unmissable to Jackson, the panic, the large, painful swallow, the slight tremor. It's was all magnified. "No," said Aaron. "Figures." Dean's response was wrapped in fondness. He looked once more towards Jackson and Sarah and realisation dawned: Dean is not sure if he should say this in front of them. Whatever the news is, it's big. In that second, Jackson wanted to be dead. He blinked. There was a last look at Aaron that was joined by a dizzy grin and then Dean spoke, "We're engaged." The announcement caused a momentary tableau of shock. No one moved for a millionth of a second. Jackson blinked and, this time, it sounded like a minefield had gone off in his head, the explosions rattled his brain. 'Boom.' Chastity's squeals were masked by the explosion. Her arms were instantly thrown around them both. 'Boom.' Paddy shot a look at Jackson before shaking both their hands. Aaron's eyes were wide. Dean looked so excited. "That's why I was in New York earlier this week. I was talking to my company about transferring over there. We want to live in a place where we can be openly together." Chastity squealed again. 'Boom.' Is Aaron breathing? "But we're going to get married in the UK." This wasn't a controlled explosion. 'Boom'. Bombs were going off left right and centre. Buildings were crumbling to the ground, the dust bellowing from the ruins. Civilians were running around trying to find cover. Jackson wanted to scream and cry. He wanted to run away and be sick. "Congratulations." When he spoke, the word sounded genuine. He even sounded happy. Sarah managed it as well. Through this all, Chastity's moronic words were screeching out. Aaron's body was trembling, Jackson could tell in this slowed-down pace. He could read the panic. There was something so obviously wrong. Aaron started pulling at Dean's arm, wanting them to go upstairs. Aaron wasn't looking at Jackson. He wanted to go upstairs, because they hadn't seen each other in nearly two weeks and he missed Dean. Jackson blinked. "Are you sure you're alright, Aaron?" Dean asked again. All eyes were on Aaron. They saw it as well. They saw his incessant rapid eye movements. They heard that his speech was faster than normal. They could tell that his behaviour was freer. "I'm fine," replied Aaron. Paddy and Chastity's eyes grew concerned, they exchanged looks. Did they know what was wrong with him? "Let's go upstairs." Jackson didn't know much about Dean, but it was clear he was brought up well. He was the kind of guy who always says please and thank you, and will keep a door open for you. Jackson blinked. He was the kind of guy who apologised when he accidently bumps you. And definitely the kind of guy who thinks it's polite to stay and talk to his boyfriend's parents when he first arrives for a visit. "Let's go upstairs." Aaron's words were insistent and he wouldn't look at Jackson. The embarrassed smile on Dean's face was obvious. He was _definitely_ the kind of guy who thinks it's polite to stay and talk. "OK." Dean said good bye to Jackson and Sarah, he had the grace to seem apologetic, "I'm sure I'll see you both again before we leave." Jackson blinked. '_We_' leave. Jackson blinked. He watched them walk behind the bar, he watched them move out of view and as he did, he saw Dean's hand slip into Aaron's. '_We_' leave. Jackson lost his breath. The pub was silent. Nothing happened for a millionth of a second. Chas was still. She was coiled just long enough to let her son and Dean leave earshot. She marched over to him, "I don't know what the hell you're doing here, but you can leave." Her words were low and desperate. "Chas!" warned Paddy. "I get that there's history between you," Chas said in a voice that sounded despairing, "but that's in the past. I want you to stay away from Aaron." He thought back to the day that she brought round the image of Aaron in Dubai. The relief she'd displayed. This was her worst nightmare, Jackson understood this. She sounded so fraught, and then suddenly her voice turned venomous. She became a wild animal, cornered, her claws unfurled, "He loves Dean. _Leave him alone_." Chastity was looming over him, and Paddy held her arm. "_He. Doesn't. Want. You. Anymore," _she seethed, spiting as she spoke. Something in Jackson snapped. Years of doing the right thing had left him desolate. He felt like he was suddenly scrabbling for his survival. The view sped up. He was also a creature, pulling on its chains, he could actually feel the break. "What are you so scared of, Chas?" Jackson hissed, his head shook from the adrenalin. "Is it maybe that, just maybe, you know that he wants to be with me?" He watched Chastity turn her head towards the back of the pub, panicked that Dean might hear them. "Of course not. You and he are over!"

"Oh, you think so, do you?" Chastity's face was curling into fury. Her body was shaking from anger. "I know so!"

"Everyone needs to calm down," Sarah implored. But Jackson had had enough, Aaron had already walked off holding the hand of another man, he had nothing to lose. "If you know so much, then tell me where he was last night." Jackson bared his teeth. Chastity shook her head. "Come on, Chas, you know the answer. It's where he was two nights ago as well and the night before."

"Shut up."

"He was in my bed!" Jackson was trembling from his contained rage, he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs. "He was in my bed, draped over me. He was kissing me. He was having _sex_ with me!"

"No!"

"Yes! That doesn't sound like it's in the past, does it?"

"He didn't know what he was doing!"

"Oh, I think he did!" A look twisted Chastity's features, tears brimmed her eyes. Her voice became even lower. The room grew tense. The only thing stopping her from tearing him to shreds was Paddy's interception. "Aaron's… not… well," she bared her teeth triumphantly as a tear trailed down her cheek, "he's not well in the head." Another explosion went off in Jackson's mind. "He's been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder." His world slowed again. He swung his eyes to meet Paddy's expression, it was full of sorrow. "He's on medication. Only we think that something's gone wrong." Chastity was openly crying now. "You saw him just now, that's not Aaron. He's ill." Jackson knew the truth as every word impacted against him. Everything tallied up. The excited chatter, the jumping from subject to subject, the manic grins, he knew just enough about Bipolar Disorder to understand that it rung true. He felt dizzy. He thought back over last night. Aaron didn't sleep, there was the paranoia, the confusion. Sickness swelled in the back of Jackson's neck. There were the frenzied sexual encounters, _the frenzied sexual encounters_. Jackson couldn't breathe.


	48. Chapter 48

Dean's movements were too slow. Aaron was a ship being anchored. His progress was hindered by Dean, whose legs seem to lack the capacity to engage speed. His heavy hand lay in Aaron's. Aaron's relentless pulling didn't seem to speed him up. They needed to get away though. They needed to gain distance from the enactment that had just happened downstairs. Aaron wasn't ready for the final act yet. "What has gotten into you?" Dean was slowing him down and Aaron just kept pulling. He was moving against the tide as he clambered up the stairs. He needed to find distance. This wasn't meant to happen. "Aaron?" Dean's questions bore down on him. He didn't know what was going on. His mother has called Dean and now Dean was in his mother's home and Aaron is dragging him up the stairs. His hand was slippery. He wasn't ready. Sweat was causing his hand to slip. His mind was spinning around like a fairground ride. The colours were too bright. The sounds were too loud. Everything was clashing together. Just as they entered the bedroom, the sweat caused Dean's hand to slide free and Aaron spun around, panicked. He needed to make sure that Dean didn't go back downstairs. He closed the door heavily and leant against it. The final act wasn't ready. Aaron hadn't learnt his lines. He didn't know the entrance and exit points. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" Dean, with his jet black hair that's always gelled up at the front. Dean, who's always clean-shaven. Dean, whose always smiling, except right now. Now he looked worried. His eyebrows were creased. Aaron cupped Dean's face and he felt like crying because everything was such a mess. Why couldn't he love Dean as much as he did Jackson? "Aaron, what's wrong?" The turbulence must have been clearly displayed on Aaron's features. His heartbeat was racing. Sweat trickled down his forehead. "Are you ill?" Dean's eyes searched Aaron's desperately. Aaron wondered if he was having a heart attack. He wrapped himself around Dean's neck. He moved forward so that their bodies were pressed full length against one another. This would be one of the last times they did this. "You're starting to scare me."

"I've missed you." Aaron's heart rate was increasing. His thoughts were a million tiny balls bouncing off the walls. His panic was clashing and impacting in his mind. Aaron's words hadn't mollified Dean's concerned stare, he repeated his earlier question, "Are you ill?" He stepped back and wiped a hand across Aaron's forehead, "Should I get you a doctor?" That was too many questions. There _were _too many questions. How was he supposed to get out of this situation? Is Jackson alright? Will Dean hate him? Why can't his mother stay out of his life? Was he having a heart attack? Why can't he calm down? What is going on? How can he dilute the colours? How can he make Dean speak quietly? Why won't the world slow down? Dean was saying words, they were too loud to understand. His full lips were moving in front of him. They sat only inches from Aaron's face. Why couldn't he understand words? "I'm going to get your mum, OK?" Dean's perfectly full lips parted but he might as well have been speaking another language. His lips were slightly chapped, Dean often had chapped lips. He'd secretly apply lip balm at work. Aaron didn't mind, he found the rough texture interesting. Aaron kept staring at Dean's chapped lips as they moved, the panic seemed to die. He stared at Dean's lips. As he focused on that one thing, all his thoughts wound down, the intense concentration made his heartbeat slow. Aaron stared. He leant in gradually and slowly captured those lips in a kiss. Dean pulled away, hesitant, "Aaron?" There was oblivion in those lips. He saw salvation. He saw a break in the fevered thoughts rampaging through his mind. "I'm fine." He pulled Dean towards him, gripping his face and kissed him lightly. The kiss quickly turned incessant. Dean responded, cautiously at first, then his mouth opened and Aaron's tongue started dancing. He sucked hard on those lips and clashed with his teeth. He sped up. He pushed himself into Dean, feeling the friction as they were pressed up together. He was feeling excited. The excitement made him hard. He could feel everything centring on his body's physical response. This was what he needed. He needed the focus of sex. That single devotion as they grounded into one another. He gripped Dean's shirt and rocketed his hips into Dean's groin. "Aaro, stop!" Suddenly, Dean was pulling away from him. No, no, no, no, this was what he needed. Dean's expression was one of complete panic, he'd moved away from Aaron, glaring at him warily. "Aaron, now I know that there's something wrong."

"What?"

"You. Look at the state of you. You're throwing yourself at me. You have an erection. You never have an erection. You never want sex!" Dean was blinking and rubbing his head, "Have you taken something?"

"Like what?" This was another question. Aaron didn't want to be asked anything. He needed oblivion. "Like drugs or something?" That was a funny one. That one hit him square in the eyes. Aaron hadn't taken drugs in days. How ironic. Aaron started laughing. It came out manic. "No, of course I haven't."

"So, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"We _never_ have sex. You don't _have_ a sex drive, remember? Once every few months, if I'm lucky, and even then you have to be coaxed into it." Aaron tried to think back. Oh yeah, he remembered. His medication lowered his libido, made it extinct in fact. What a waste. All that amazing sex he could have been having. "Either you've taken something or you're ill." Dean grasped Aaron's arms, "Can't you see how strangely you are behaving?" Everything was fine. Can't Dean _see_ that? Could he not see that the world had taken on a sheen and vibrancy? Could he not feel the delicateness of skin beneath finger tips? Could he not hear the birds as they trickled out their gentle chatter in the trees? The world was an amazing place. It was beautiful and immense and epic. Aaron was a single unit of life form connected through strands of energy to every atom on this planet. He understood everything in that moment. Dean needed this information. He needed it explained to him. He'd understand then that they were all one. Aaron belonged to Jackson, but really they were all one and Dean wasn't really losing him. If Dean could just sit down with Aaron for a few brief seconds and listen to everything Aaron had come to realise, then it would all be OK. Jackson and he would be together and Dean wouldn't mind. "OK, I'll tell you," Aaron felt breathless with relief, everything was going to be wonderful. He wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and took a deep breath. His breath was energy, he was energy. Everything was energy. He was a part of the force that lived beneath everything. "_Tell me what's going on_." Dean was rigid, Aaron reached out a hand and stroked his face, everything was going to become so clear. Dean's head pulled away, "_tell me_," he was looking desperately into Aaron's eyes.

A knock on the door interrupted them. "Aaron?" Aaron stilled. He clutched Dean for support. He wanted to stay silent. This current danger could unravel everything. He should pretend they weren't there. Dean was eyeing him as if he was crazy, he just didn't get it. "Yes, mum?"

"I thought I'd make a late breakfast for you both," her voice sounded strange. His mind flashed through a succession of images, a timeline to Armageddon. He couldn't have that. She'd already interfered. She was a dangerous woman. Who knew what the repercussions would be if her and Dean spoke. "We're going to go to the café to get some breakfast." Aaron wanted to jump and scream and yell at the brilliance of his response. His super sharp mind had conjured that answer in a heartbeat. Dean was licking his lips nervously, "maybe we should stay here."

"No," Aaron lowered his voice, conspiratorially, "we need to talk. We need to go somewhere where they won't hear us."

"Whose they?" Aaron's eye's shifted towards the door and Dean looked utterly confused. Aaron could understand, until Dean listened to his words, none of this would be clear. Not until he understood the tendrils of energy and the web of the life force that connected everything together. "I don't mind, I can make it here."

"Let's go to the café," Aaron whispered, he was begging now. Dean's eyes moved between Aaron and the door. His fearful expression caused his breath to hold for a second. Eventually, after long moments, Dean nodded, "OK." Immense relief flooded Aaron, "you'll understand soon, I promise."

"It's fine," Aaron called loudly, "we want to be on our own for a bit." He stayed clung to Dean. He smiled reassuringly. The look didn't create the required effect because Dean looked even more worried. Chastity was still outside the door. She could be heard breathing and sniffing several times. "I really need to talk to you about something." Aaron froze. What could this be? Fear coiled around his frame. "We won't be long. We can talk once we're back." By then it would be safe, everything that needed to said, would have been said. She was still outside, he could picture her moving about. "OK," Chastity finally answered, her voice sounded so small and she seemed worried, "don't be long though, yeah?"

"OK."

He still had his arms around Dean's shoulders. He saw himself as a protector. He wanted to keep him safe for as long as possible. He was suddenly unsure of who he was saving Dean from. Didn't he have some news for Dean? Wasn't it bad news? Shouldn't there be someone saving Dean from him? "You alright?" That quiet, fearful question snapped Aaron from his contemplation. Dean's large eyes were looking into his. Aaron stroked his cheek, "I'm fine, let's go."

Dean was pulled as forcefully to the café as he had been up the stairs earlier. For some reason, Aaron knew that the destination was vital in ensuring that success was achieved. They didn't stay in the house long enough to register where his mother was. They got down the stairs and headed out the back to the car park. He kept them to the side of buildings, clinging to them and pressing their bodies into the brick work. He became stealth in his mission, invisible to the naked eye. Moving between house, tree, shrub, post box, contorting and morphing into whatever outline he needed to remain concealed. Dean didn't speak. Perhaps he understood the seriousness of the situation. Aaron turned his head, left then right. Paddy could be around. He was an equal threat, Adam and Cain also. He looked left and right again. There were enemies everywhere, but they were no match for him. He was a creature connected to the world. Every other product of its creation was a part of him. They would work together, they would out-think their enemies. He kept Dean close. Left and right, left and right. Keep looking. Walk up the road. Left and right. It was imperative that he didn't let his guard down. Left and right. "Aaron…" Left and right. Reach the café. Left and right. Backwards and forwards. Pull open the café door. Backwards and… Aaron stopped short. Jackson's retreating form was disappearing into Dale Head. Jackson. He suddenly felt sick. He froze at the entrance, there was someone in the doorway, trying to leave, but Aaron was blocking the way. "Aaron, move out of the man's way." He needed to go and see Jackson. He heard Dean faintly apologise. "What's wrong?", Dean asked.

What was Jackson thinking now? Was he angry? Did he believe that Dean's arrival was Aaron's responsibility? "Aaron…" Perhaps he was upset. Maybe Jackson was thinking that last night was some fond memory to wistfully recollect in his latter years? Dean took Aaron's hand to get his attention. Jackson had disappeared into Dale Head. Was Sarah looking after him? What if Jackson was changing his mind about them both? "Aaron!"

"Yeah."

"You're really scaring me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just tell me what's going on." What a mess. It was all such a mess. All Aaron could do was stare at the last spot he'd seen Jackson. He felt himself shake. What if Jackson was changing his mind? They'd gone backwards and forwards so much over the last few days. It wasn't a stretch to think that Jackson might finish what they have. He needed to speak to him. "Aaron, will you talk to me, please?" There was a begging tone in Dean's voice. Someone else was at the entrance, trying to leave. The person greeted Aaron but he didn't respond. He felt himself being pushed through the door. He was suddenly sitting on a leather couch. Dean was sitting next to him. His eyes were gently wrinkled in concern. "Hello." This voice belonged to a woman. It was Brenda. Aaron looked up at her. She had the widest smile. Her eyes spoke of curiosity. She kept glancing at Dean. Aaron imagined Jackson sad and alone. "What can I get you both?"

"Two coffees, please." Dean's response was a little dismissive. Aaron imagined Jackson staring into nothing. "I haven't seen you around here before."

"I'm just visiting." Aaron imagined Jackson crying at home. "How do you two know each other?" Brenda was talking to Dean but she kept glancing at Aaron as if there was something wrong with him.

"I'm Aaron's boyfriend."

"Oh, really!" Aaron imagined Jackson choking on his tears. He imagined Jackson, and Aaron couldn't wait any longer. It was vital that Jackson understood. This union of theirs wasn't brief. They were together. They belonged together. "I've got to go somewhere." He rose from the couch sharply. "What?" Dean was there, standing in front of him, holding out his arms and blocking the way, "Where?"

"I'll be right back."

"Aaron?" Dean held Aaron by the elbow, "What's going on?"

"Is everything alright?" That was Brenda again, she had too many questions. "I won't be long. Just a little while. You'll see." Aaron pulled his elbow free and pushed past Dean's startled expression.

"Aaron!" It was a relief when Dean was behind him. The last thing he heard as he exited the café was Brenda's voice ringing out clearly, she said, "Is Aaron ill again?"

Somewhere in the jumbled mesh of Aaron's brain, he had the faint realisation that something bad had just been said. Somewhere deep inside, he understood that Brenda's question was the kind of thing that might make a person start to wonder. Somewhere, he realised that he should have stayed. He left.


	49. Chapter 49

Jackson wasn't sure how he returned to Dale Head. He didn't remember tipping his head back to activate movement. He didn't remember the whirring of the mechanism as it came to life and he didn't remember the slightly uneven road that he had to cross to get home. He didn't remember Sarah walking next to him, asking if he was OK. He certainly wasn't aware of calling for the front door to open or the scenery changing from rolling hills and softly blowing branches to the stark whiteness of his living room walls. "Don't go silent on me, Jackson. It scares me when you do that." He couldn't recall Sarah pulling out a chair or dragging it in front of where he'd stopped. Couldn't recall when Sarah's hand had landed on his knee, in no doubt a gesture of comfort. "Jackson?" He didn't know how the tea had appeared in his cup holder or when Sarah had pressed one into her own hand. All of these things transpired with the muted surprise of a man in shock. It felt like hours had passed before he could think of what to say. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded horse, "I said there was something wrong with him. Now we know." Jackson took a small swipe at his lips with his tongue, they felt dry, like a sandstone in a desert, close to crumbling. "Are you going to go and talk to him?" Sarah's hand was back on his leg. He watched her circle her fingertips slightly over his crinkled trousers and wondered why she was bothering, he couldn't feel it. "About what?"

Sarah's eyebrow rose slightly, she cocked her head to catch Jackson's averted gaze. "About his condition. You heard Chastity, they think something's gone wrong with his medication. He needs help."

"He's got Dean." That response was spoken quietly. There was no bitterness. Jackson wasn't capable of such a strong emotion. He wasn't capable of very much at all. He certainly wasn't able to follow Aaron up some stairs and entwine a hand with his as Dean had earlier. "What about you and him?" Jackson didn't have a clue and if he could raise his shoulders in a shrug, he would. What did all this mean for them? What was the last twenty-four hours? Was that even Aaron? "I don't know." Jackson's whole world had just had the rug pulled from under it. Aaron's not well, that much was clear. He felt sickened that Aaron hadn't said a word. What he thought had been rekindled was just an illusion. The pair of them had pulled a rabbit from a hat, only to find that the hat's lid was unstable. In front of him, Sarah sat, rigid. He felt sorry for her, being pulled into his mixed-up life of illusion and trickery. She was always so funny and so full of happiness, now she was destined to sit with him and worry. Her frame was not permitted to relax and all because her boss had a fucked-up existence. Her job was to feed and bath him. Not sit with him, in a room filled with tension. In a room with the silence turned up, so that the loudest thing that sounded was that unnecessary clock on the oven as it signalled a new hour. "Jackson, you can't just sit here. You need to speak to Aaron." Yeah, he knew this, he gazed around the room, finally landing on Sarah. "But if I do, will he make any sense?" Sarah's lack of answer spoke volumes.

"Jackson!" The room and all its tension suddenly burst into life. The front door was loudly slammed and both he and Sarah jerked their heads towards the sound. If a film were in black and white, this would have been the moment it broke into colour and a million extras ran onto the set. It was entirely unexpected. Jackson wasn't ready. He hadn't sat long enough to prepare himself for seeing Aaron again. "Jackson, oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Jackson hadn't caught up with this scene change yet. He was stupefied by the sight of Aaron. "I didn't know he was coming, that was my mum's doing. I didn't have a clue!" It was like he was seeing Aaron with new eyes. He felt like a child struggling for years with a mathematic question, only for it to suddenly click into place. Aaron was mentally ill. He had bipolar disorder. This was no longer a question that circled his peripheral vision. The conclusive answer was stark and in his face. Literally. It was in the rampant way Aaron sucked on his cheeks. It could be seen as his eyes wouldn't focus and kept sliding. It caused his hands to jar nervously at his sides. "That was nothing to do with me, Jackson." He felt Aaron wrapping his arms around his head. "Nothing's changed, it's still you and me." Aaron seemed completely unaware of Sarah. What did Jackson say now? Did he ask if it was ever truly 'you and me'? Because this wasn't Aaron, Aaron wouldn't drop to the floor and wrap himself around Jackson, so open and vulnerable in front of outsiders. Aaron was private, he kept himself contained. Aaron didn't incessantly cover cheeks and lips and forehead in kisses with no concern for the audience. Jackson felt a deep well of despair settle. This was overwhelmingly unfair. This Aaron was not _his Aaron_. "Aaron," Jackson spoke softly, the words almost catching. He pulled his head free, "Why didn't you tell me that you are bipolar?" Aaron suddenly became aware of Sarah and shifted backwards, falling onto the floor. His nervous swallows caused his Adam's apple to bob. There he was, a grown man sitting on the floor, with his legs pulled up protectively as if he'd just been scolded. Jackson would have laughed if he didn't want to cry. There was a look between Jackson and Sarah and back to Jackson. "Your mum told me," Jackson kept his voice low. Aaron glared in shock. There was a very real possibility that he was going to bolt out of the door. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do." Suddenly it didn't matter about Dean. It didn't matter that there was a very real possibility that he'd lost Aaron. His only concern _was_ Aaron. "Please, just talk to me." Aaron's eyes swiped at Sarah. His jaw locked. "It's OK, Jackson," Aaron's voice lowered to a whisper, his eyes darted back to Sarah. His body was shaking. He was staring at Sarah. The paranoid expression was hard to dismiss. "Could you give us some space?" It took a second before Sarah understood the request, she immediately straightened up in alarm. It was clear she didn't like this idea. It was obvious in the way her lips parted to form a silent protest. "We just need a bit of time on our own. Go for a walk, I'll give you a call." She looked unsteady. Jackson imagined scenario after scenario running through her mind. Perhaps she was even replaying what she'd read in Jackson's book. Aaron, standing in the hospital room, dripping with blood and waving a shard of glass around. She finally agreed. "You call me, OK?" her eyes bore into Jackson's, "I am only going to be at the café."

"OK."

The door clicking shut animated Aaron. He jumped up and half circled Jackson, moving backwards and forwards as if pacing, wringing his hands together and smiling, relieved. Jackson's eyes followed. "Tell me about your bipolar disorder."

"You know I didn't call Dean, don't you?"

"_Tell me about the bipolar disorder_."

"And I'm sorry you found out about our engagement like that." Jackson closed his eyes tightly and when they opened, Aaron was dragging the seat that Sarah had vacated, closer, and wrapping his fingers around Jackson's hand. "I'm going to call it off. I'm still going to do that." There was a painful lump in Jackson's throat, "Aaro…"

"I shouldn't have accepted the proposal. I'm sorry." Jackson couldn't deny the hurt. The news of the engagement had felt like a million knives stabbing at him. He bit down on his lips. Aaron circled Jackson in another embrace and then pulled back and slumped in the chair. He sat forward and rubbed his forehead and then folded his arms. It was like Aaron couldn't settle on a position. Aaron got up and resumed his semi-circled pacing. Jackson watched him for a few moments, he sat silently until the perverse side of him needed more information. "When did he propose?" He hated himself for asking.

"Last month." That soon? "And you said yes?" Aaron stopped moving and wrapped his arms around himself, he arched an eyebrow confused, "Yeah."

"So why are you saying you want to be with me now?"

"No, no, no. You don't understand." Aaron retook the seat, for some reason he sat on his hands, he shook his head rapidly. "It's always you that I wanted to be with. But you were here and I was supposed to hate you. But then you sent that message. I saw it as a sign." Aaron's wide, diluted eyes stared back at him, the pupils were large. Jackson was reflected in them. He saw himself for what he was, a man in his twenties, unnecessarily aged and withered by his condition. How could Aaron have been clinging to their love after all these years? Jackson's had to stop. Talking about the engagement was futile, it made him sick. It wasn't important, or relevant. Aaron needed him, he needed him to focus. Jackson needed to understand what was happening. Aaron picked up Jackson's hand again and Jackson willed his fingers to squeeze back, they didn't. "Tell me about your bipolar disorder."

It was obvious that Aaron was weighing up his options. He chewed on his nail and then scratched at his head. The whole time his legs were jarring up and down. "It's OK." Aaron finally whispered. He had a strange smile on his face.

"Tell me…"

Aaron's smile widened, it made Jackson suspicious, "It's not that bad."

"So tell me."

"I like it."

"What?"

"I feel good with it."

"What do you mean?" implored Jackson. Aaron had the cheekiest grin, his tongue poked at the corner of his mouth. "I feel like I can do anything. It's so much better this way." Jackson didn't understand. He wanted to know from the beginning. "How long have you been on medication?" Aaron wasn't concentrating, "Aaron!"

"Not long."

"Not long?"

"A few weeks. No wait, sorry, I mean this medication. Only a few weeks with _this_ medication. Longer with the last."

"How much longer with the last?" Aaron's gaze wouldn't settle, he seemed fascinated with the corner of the ceiling. "Aaron, how much longer with the last?"

"Oh, I don't know," Aaron giggled. He seemed ridiculously pleased with himself. Oh God, Jackson was out of his depth here. "OK, but you've only been on this medication for a few weeks?"

"Yeah!" Aaron seemed astounded, as if he couldn't recall just telling Jackson this a few moments ago. "Right, OK, so maybe it's stopped working or something?" The glint in Aaron's eye was telling. He cocked his head and threw up his hands and sat back in the chair. He smirked knowingly, he was like a child. Jackson felt cold, "What's going on, Aaron?" Every part of him was on edge, "do you know what's wrong with you?"

"There's nothing wrong with me."

"Aaro…" Aaron suddenly fell forward and wrapped his arms around Jackson's neck. He pushed himself into Jackson and nuzzled at his cheek. "There's nothing wrong with me," Aaron's hot breath circled his ear, "I feel amazing."

"Aaron." Fingers began fluttering at the bottom edge of Jackson's shirt, a hand slide up his belly. Jackson didn't feel a thing. "I feel amazing." A tongue darted into Jackson's ear. Aaron's other hand moved towards his own trousers button. It was clear he was getting an erection. Jackson felt sick. _"What is going on with your medication?"_ Jackson gritted his teeth, this was wrong.

"I don't need medication."

"Why?"

"Cause I feel amazing."

"You keep saying that, now tell me why."

"Everything's perfect."

"Why?"

"I like being this way." Jackson's eyes shut firmly. Suddenly, everything fell into place. They'd got it wrong, Chas and Paddy. They were on the wrong track. There was absolutely nothing wrong with his medication, it was probably working as effectively as the first day he'd taken it. He barely dared ask the next question. He waited. His words were hesitant. "Aaron," he swallowed hard, "when did you last take your medication?" Aaron was kissing Jackson's jawline lightly. "Aaron?"

"Oh, a few days ago."

Aaron's kisses continued to press into his skin but Jackson didn't feel them. Tears bubbled in his eyes, "what day?" The tears gathered and met at the threshold of his eyelids, an invisible dam keeping them secured. "Aaron, what day, _exactly_?" The sheen of tears covering his eyes now blinded him, Aaron was obscured. He'd stopped touching Jackson's face and Jackson didn't even know if he was still on his lap. Aaron spoke quietly, "Tuesday."

Tuesday. Three days since now and the day before Wednesday. The dam broke and the tears streaked down his cheeks. Aaron's face floated in front of him, distorted and looking alarmed, "What's wrong?" One day. One day before Wednesday. One day. The day _before_ they'd slept together. "Why are you crying?" Jackson couldn't stop. "Aaron," Jackson spoke around his cries, he battled to maintain control against their force, "we need to get you some help."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"I feel amazing."

"I know you do," he pressed his face into Aaron's, savouring the closeness. He continued to cry, "but this isn't right. _Us_ right now. You're not yourself."

"I like being like this." Aaron wiped at Jackson's cheeks. "I feel like I can do anything, it's a good feeling." Aaron was begging. He was pulling on Jackson's curls and kissing the tears. "You're not in the right mind, you don't know what you want."

"I know what I want."

"This would be like I was taking advantage of you."

"No, it's not."

"Aaron," Jackson sniffed hard and blinked his tears rapidly away. He needed to act and felt anything but calm. "Let's go and talk to your Mum." Aaron's body shot backwards, "Why?"

"Because we need to talk to her."

"Nah," Aaron's tone grew wary, he smiled as if this was some kind of joke. "Aaro."

"No!" Aaron jumped up and backed away inelegantly, tripping over the chair. His breathing had quickened. The conspiratorial smiles and cheeky grins from earlier had vanished. Jackson was left with someone wide-eyed and panicked. "I'm not going anywhere near her."

"It will be fine."

"No, no, no, no, no." Aaron's pacing resumed. "She'll watch me all the time." Fear jumped to his features. "She'll make me take that stuff again!"

"What stuff?"

"No, no, no." Jackson eyes followed Aaron. The pacing quickly fell apart. He wouldn't get two steps before jerking his body around in the other direction. "Listen, I just want you to be OK, do you understand? You're not yourself at the moment and it's making you lose your judgement."

Why are you saying this?"

"I want to help."

"You don't believe me, do you?" Aaron rubbed at his forehead. His wide eyes darted about. He dropped down on his knees and pulled at Jackson's arms, it caused Jackson to rattle against his chair restraints. "You don't believe me, do you?" What didn't he believe? That Aaron was fine? That his current condition was something to smile and rejoice over? "You don't believe I love you, do you?" Jackson stared into Aaron's eyes, they were in full moon. They gleamed in desperation. "Aaron," fresh tears formed, he couldn't believe he was speaking these words. "I don't think you know exactly what you want." Aaron's grip slid and he slumped. "Listen." Aaron's eyes scrunched up. "We got together _after_ you stopped taking the pills." Aaron's head shook. "It's possible that all this is a result…" Jackson swallowed the sickly feeling, "of you not taking your medication."

"No," Aaron's response was strangled by tears, he collapsed back, "please, Jackson."

"Aaron."

"No, please Jackson."

"It might be the reason."

"No." Soft crying continued as Jackson begged for Aaron to listen. Nothing was getting through. Jackson's gentle pleas were sounding to an unresponsive audience. Aaron was trapped; he gripped his head with fevered aggression. He rocked slightly. Jackson was taken back to Aaron's last day in England, before he ran off to Dubai. The scene in front of him was so reminiscent. Those last few weeks had been frantic, they'd culminated in the pair of them being locked in this room. His moods had been so similar to those that had played out over the last twenty-four hours. History was repeating itself. Jackson watched Aaron's breathing grow rapid. The man in front of him wasn't Aaron. This man was unravelled. He was an invader. The invader's head snapped up, he gritted his teeth, baring them. "I'll prove it!" The expression that accompanied those words was crazed. "What do you mean?" The invader struggled to his feet and aggressively wiped his nose on the back of his hand. "I'll go to the café."

"Why?"

"Dean's there waiting for me. I'll tell him about us."

"No!"

"I'll prove it to you."

"This doesn't prove anything!"

"I'll tell him!"

"No!"

"I'll tell him." Aaron ran over to the door and Jackson whirled around his wheelchair. "Listen to me!" But it was too late. Aaron was out the door, slamming it heavily and causing the window pane to rattle. Jackson crashed his head back into his head rest. He took a second to compose his thoughts. He needed help; he couldn't handle this on his own.


	50. Chapter 50

The pacing was getting on Paddy's nerves, as was the way she kept checking her phone. He was sitting, with his hands tightly clasped together and resting his chin on them. "I can't believe you went behind Aaron's back." There wasn't much of a response from Chastity. Her eyes were red and bloated from her confrontation with Jackson. Her breath kept hitching. She still hadn't calmed down and now she was panicked at letting Aaron and Dean leave earlier. "I mean, what did you think it was going to achieve?" The slight rise of her shoulders formed a shrug and she chewed on her bottom lip. "You thought that bringing Dean here would change Aaron's mind?"

"I thought it might remind him of what he had." Paddy shook his head, disgusted, "When did you call him anyway?"

"Yesterday morning, just after I saw you."

"So, that's what you meant by 'you'll sort it." She didn't answer. It was one of the few times that Chastity Dingle was without a response. "And now, look what you've gone and done. Dragged Dean here to find Aaron going through whatever the hell it is that he's going through." He couldn't believe her blinkered perspective and how she could be so narrowly focused. Chastity continued walking backwards and forwards in front of him, she clenched her jaw. "I didn't know at the time, did I? It didn't become obvious until yesterday afternoon that something was wrong." He fell silent, conceding that she had a point, but only grudgingly. "Maybe this is a good thing anyway."

"How?" Paddy couldn't believe she'd just said that.

"Because Dean's lived with his bipolar disorder. He'll know what to do." This caused Paddy to snort humourlessly, "Sometimes, Chas, you really are clueless."

"What?"

"Do you honestly think Dean knows anything about this?" She stopped her pacing and raised her eyebrows in alarm, "Aaron said that they just 'get on with it'."

"And you think he's telling the truth? Think about it, Chas. Aaron has lied from the minute he got here. You saw Dean's expression when he met Jackson. I'd put money on him never even hearing that name before." Chastity stood frozen before Paddy. Her lips parted in disbelief. He could see her processing his words, visibly becoming more and more upset as she did. When she spoke, her response came out hesitantly, "if it hadn't have been… for the medication making Aaron ill, then we would have never been told."

"Yeah," he felt no pleasure in being right. "Aaron was diagnosed four years ago, he only met Dean two years ago. If his medication was keeping his bipolar disorder in check, then he wouldn't have felt the need to tell Dean the truth. And we all know Aaron, he likes nothing more than to pretend that something isn't happening."

Chastity lowered to the couch opposite, she crossed her arms tightly. Paddy could see fresh tears pooling in her eyes, "This is a mess."

"Yeah."

"Maybe," her words were tentative, "we should go and get Aaron back here now."

He'd thought about that himself, but the repercussions of that played out clearly in his imagination, and it didn't end well. "I think we should wait, the last thing Aaron will want is us causing a scene at the café. This will give Dean a good chance to see what Aaron's been like for himself. When they get back, we can sort out getting him to a doctor and get to the bottom of this." Chastity just nodded.

* * *

><p>The horrible feeling of unease caused Sarah's movements to appear clumsy and hesitant. She moved slowly down Dale Head's ramp onto the main road, all the time pricking her ears, and ready to return. Her walk towards the café was interrupted by a succession of quick glances back towards the house. She halted in panic at the sudden concern that she'd left her phone behind. It was in her pocket. At the café door, she stopped and stood against the brick wall. Leaning heavily, she scanned the house, scrutinising the front door and willing it to open. It didn't. Sarah wanted to return. If she hadn't read Jackson book, then she probably wouldn't have felt so alarmed now. If she didn't know the likely ending, then she wouldn't be feeling her heart pounding through her chest. She stepped into the café.<p>

"Oh, here's Sarah, that's one of Jackson's carers. Sarah, have you meet Aaron's boyfriend?" It took a moment before Sarah adjusted to scene in front of her. She'd never been very cool in situations that required calm and control and she swore that the panic of seeing Dean talking to Brenda in the café was clear to read on her face. There were seconds of silence before she found her voice. "Hi again."

"Hi."

"Oh, you've meet, good." Sarah's head twitched in shock. She had no idea what Dean was doing here, talking to Brenda. Did Aaron know? "I was just saying to Dean how nice it was that Aaron's found someone new after everything he went through." Dean's arms were tightly crossed. He flashed a polite, even smile and, in response, Sarah tried to calm her features, she was aware of how flustered she looked. Did Dean know about Jackson? In the pub, he'd acted like he'd never even heard Jackson's name before. "I mean, it was so shocking what the pair of them went through together." Brenda was still speaking and Dean was barely reacting, he was holding himself taut. "The book was a terrible read, I mean, of course, we all knew what had happened but not in so much detail." Sarah needed to do something quickly. OK, so it appeared that none of this was new to Dean but that didn't mean he wanted to discuss it with the local gossip. She searched her brain for a diplomatic way to break the conversation and when none came, she became blunt. "Brenda, I'm sure Dean doesn't want to talk about this with a complete stranger. You've got customers." Her voice didn't even try to conceal its forcefulness and Brenda reacted indignantly as she walked off. "Sorry about her. She's very nosey." Dean's arms were still crossed. The polite look from earlier was still there but Sarah thought she saw tension in his eyes. "She likes to interfere and know all the gossip."

"I can tell." Was Dean's jaw clenched? His response wasn't rude but neither was the answer of someone feeling relief at being saved. It made Sarah uneasy. Dean obviously already knew about Jackson and wasn't so keen to have the details thrust at him merely hours after arriving. Sarah was never very good in these situations. She always wanted to make things better but always invariably ended up talking nonsense. She steeled herself, "Look..." But Dean cut her off. "I've not read the book," he was looking at her intently, "It's not available in Dubai."

"Oh, right." What more could she say? 'You really should, it's a real page turner'. "It's not an easy read."

"I'm sure it's not." Dean's eyes were scanning the café. He held himself very still. What a situation to find herself in. It wasn't as simple as assuring Dean that it was all in the past. Aaron was on the verge of a breakdown as they spoke. And he was currently at Dale Head, begging Jackson not to finish with him. More than anything, she wanted to leg it out of the café; instead, she found herself dribbling on, "They were obviously feeling very low to attempt suicide. And Aaron wasn't in the right mind, which was obvious when he turned up at the hospital." What was she going on about? Aaron wasn't in the right mind now. They may have been talking about something that happened years ago, but it was obvious that parts of history were being echoed. Dean repeated her words quietly, "attempt suicide." He didn't seem sad or shocked or anything, he merely blinked. His solemn response made her ramble on further, "Yeah, I mean, I guess Aaron decided to help because he felt guilty about his part in Jackson's accident. But I know that Jackson had no idea that Aaron would try to follow him, he'd never have allowed it to go ahead if he did." Dean didn't respond. Sarah's smile was trying to be reassuring. "But I'm sure Aaron has already told you all this, you don't want to hear it from me." The smile grew wider in desperation and she really wanted to put space between them. "Look, I best be going," she was aware of how stupid she looked. Dean remained thoughtful. She didn't miss the deep breath he took. "Look, I'm really sorry that this has all come up, it's just that with everything that happened, it's a big deal that Aaron has moved on with his life. It was bound to be village gossip." Sarah swallowed distastefully at her words. This was all bullshit. What the hell was she doing reassuring a man who was about to be heartbroken? She needed to leave. "I'll see you around, yeah?" She was edging out of the door, looking for that sign that Dean was OK. Dean was chewing on his lip thoughtfully. He eventually looked up, "Sure, see you around."

Once outside, Sarah wanted to collapse from relief. She stayed leaning against the café wall, scrunching up her eyes and shaking her head, trying to rid her memory of that horrible encounter. After a moment, she looked up towards Deal Head, there was no sign of anything. Did she go back? Was that a good idea? Sarah already felt like she'd made everything worse. It was bad enough that Dean had Aaron's past thrust into his face and now he was going to lose Aaron. Or was he? Aaron's mental state was questionable. He appeared that he didn't have a clue what he was doing. She took some deep breaths and checked her phone. There was no call but Sarah wanted to stay close in case Jackson needed her. She decided to walk around the village.

* * *

><p>"I shouldn't have let them go." This was driving Chastity crazy. More than anything, she wanted to march over to the café and insist that Aaron return. She looked up from the couch. Paddy was sitting opposite. His head was still rested on his folded hands. He looked incredibly thoughtful. "Maybe not, but I'm not sure I would have done anything different. We want to deal with this with a minimum of fuss." Had they ever been able to deal with anything to do with her son without a fuss? Ever since he was sixteen, it had been one drama after another. She doubted that they <em>would<em> be able to help without there being some sort of scene, especially as it seemed unlikely that Dean knew anything about this. In the back of her mind, she felt angry. Angry that Aaron still behaved like this. Angry that he still wouldn't trust his family and friends to help him. After everything they'd been through with his suicide attempts and then them subsequently being there whilst he got better. Didn't that mean anything to him? There was also everything with Jackson. It couldn't be a coincidence that Aaron's manic behaviour coincided with him and Jackson 'getting back together.' She felt no guilt at what she said to Jackson. It needed to be said. He needed to know about the bipolar disorder. To her, it was the only explanation for whatever had or hadn't happened between the two of them since Aaron's return. In fact, when she looked at the timeline, it made sense that all this chaos was to do with the bipolar disorder and his medication being changed. First, it was the medication. Then Jackson happened to send a message. Aaron responded (whereas he had previously ignored all communication). And, finally, Aaron's on a plane. She clung to that idea. The alternative made her feel nauseous. She couldn't handle Aaron getting back with Jackson. She just wanted her son to have a normal, balanced life. He'd never have that with Jackson. The two of them had caused so many problems in each other's lives. If it wasn't for Jackson, then Aaron would never have attempted suicide that second time. And she firmly believed that if Jackson hadn't broken up with Aaron, he wouldn't have lost it before he disappeared to Dubai. They could never be happy together, history had proven this and she wasn't prepared to sit back whilst her son made another mistake and lost a man like Dean.

A commotion sounded and Chastity's head shot up at the sound of Aaron crashing open the living room door. Her eyes meet his and she watched a cloud of suspicion descend. "Aaron." Her son ignored her. He scanned the living room as she and Paddy rose from their seats. "Is Dean here?"

"No." She exchanged a look with Paddy and turned back to witness Aaron narrowing his eyes in complete mistrust. He hadn't entered the room completely and was mostly peering around the door as he clung to the handle. They both stepped towards him and Aaron shrank back slightly. It immediately caused both her and Paddy to still, not wanting to aggravate him in his agitated state. It seemed that Aaron's condition had deteriorated further. His franticness from earlier had double. He was twitching as he clung to the door. Chastity felt her heart rate speed up, she fought against her panic. "I don't know where he is, I left him at the café. He's not there now." Chas shared another glance with Paddy. Aaron twitched, "I don't know where he is," he repeated. Paddy thought fast, "well why don't you sit down and we'll call him?" There was so much distrust on Aaron's face. He pressed his cheek against the wooden door and flicked his eyes between them both. "Come on, Aaron, sit down and we'll help you find him." Thank god for Paddy, who was always so composed and in control and who was able to steer Aaron and keep him calm. Chas could at least recognise that had this been left to her then it would probably all fall apart. "I can't call him, I've lost my phone." A flash of guilt swarmed over Chastity. She chewed down on her lip and for a millisecond debated staying quiet. "It's here, it's been in the living room for a while." She ignored Paddy's quick glare. She knew he'd immediately put two-and-two together and realised that she had taken Dean's number from it, so that she could call him up. Thankfully, Aaron didn't seem to make the connection as she crossed the room to pick it up.

Once seated, Aaron struggled to use his phone. They watched him scanning through the contact numbers, becoming more and more agitated. He gave a shaky sigh and looked like he might start to cry. "What's wrong?" she asked. Aaron's bottom lip trembled, "I can't read it."

"What?"

"I can't read," his voice shook, "I can't read anymore."

"OK, it's OK, we'll help you." Paddy removed the phone from Aaron's slack fingers and quickly scrolled down the screen. He found Dean's number immediately and hit dial. He pressed the phone to Aaron's ear and held it there when Aaron made no move to take it from him. After a while, it became apparent that Dean wasn't going to answer. "Where could he be?" asked Aaron, he looked utterly bewildered. Chastity wondered this herself. More importantly, she couldn't understand why Aaron had left him, "Why did you leave him at the café?"

"I needed to see Jackson."

This caused her to straighten and Paddy flashed her a warning look, but it didn't matter. It was even clearer to her that Aaron and Jackson's renewed relationship was a symptom of Aaron's bipolar reaction. She was going to deal with this right now. Chas swallowed a few times and tried to relax. She reached over and placed a hand on Aaron's leg. "Aaron, how are you feeling?" The mistrust beamed at the hand was hard to ignore. "Because you don't seem to be acting yourself at the moment." She noted Paddy quietly nodding at her, he obviously approved of her approach if not her motive.

"I'm fine."

"But you're not acting yourself," she continued speaking carefully, "You haven't been for a couple of days."

"I'm OK," Aaron's leg shifted out of reach of her hand and so Chastity sat back to give him room. "We we're thinking that maybe the alcohol you drank was preventing your medication from working. That is possible, isn't it?" Aaron froze, "I told you I'm fine."

"You seem very agitated," Paddy jumped in, "and you're having trouble reading." Aaron's whole body grew ridgid, he wouldn't stop darting his eyes between her and Paddy. "You seem a bit confused, a bit dishevelled." This was Paddy trying to put his words delicately; the truth was that Aaron looked one step away from needing hospitalisation. "Dishevelled?" Aaron asked, he scrunched his face up confused. "Yeah."

"Like, a mess?"

"Err, I guess."

It was then that Aaron started patting himself down and rapidly scanning his clothes, "You're right, I do look like a mess." Chas cocked her head, she had a horrible feeling this wasn't heading where she was hoping. "I can't even remember when I last showered!"

"No, Aaron, that's not what we meant…" but Paddy's words were interrupted. "I look like such a mess!" Aaron started to laugh, he touched his fingertips to his forehead, "how disgusting I am!"

"Aaron."

"I'll go have a shower."

"What?"

"Yeah, that's what I'll do." Chastity's insides tightened at how useless she felt, "Let's talk some more," she implored. "No, I'll get clean and then I'll phone Dean again." Both she and Paddy looked on, aghast, as Aaron clamoured to his feet. They listened to him as he laughed and hummed on his way up the stairs and looked up at the ceiling when his footsteps could be heard thudding around. Chas spoke first, the gravity of the situation made her feel numb, "what are we going to do?"

Paddy's eyes remained fixed on the ceiling, the shower could be heard starting up, "we need to make him see that he needs help."

"What if we can't?" There was no response. "Paddy, I'm scared that he's going to become a danger to himself."

* * *

><p>Inside the bedroom, Aaron felt the tiny droplets run down his face from his showered hair. Aaron was now clean. Just like he'd said he would be. That would shut up his mum and Paddy, that would prove that everything was OK. Aaron curled over on the edge of the bed. He'd draped his towel over his wet shoulders and was still. He felt like a vulture, perched on a building, ready to swoop. He positioned his arms, unfurling the towel as if it were a pair of heavy wings. Within his reach was his luggage, his pray. It laid, heavy to one side, its innards spilling from its belly. He needed to reach his pray before anyone else did, before its content was discovered by another prowling creature, before his secret was revealed. Within his pray sat his pills, the prescription read 'Eskalith'. Eskalith, 'what a strange word,' Aaron thought. Every word was strange, just a collection of sounds strung together, easily losing their meaning. Eskalith, Eskalith, Es...ka…lith. How can something lose its meaning, when it means nothing already? It's not like the word 'chair'. Everyone knows what 'chair' means or what it alludes to. Aaron scrambled through his bag looking for the pills, contemplating the word and then laughing at the idea of 'chair' actually being the name of his medication.<p>

'It's time to take my chair.'

'I'm on chair."

'What dosage of chair are you on?**"**

The pills were his and Jackson's secret, or rather the lack of pills he'd been taking for the last few days. The doses that he'd missed. He'd missed six. Aaron was confused by this. He knew that something wasn't quite the same but how could he be like this after missing only six? His imagination was taking flight. His feet were not touching the floor. Aaron hunched over the packaging, trying to understand the swirls that created the Arabic text. He wasn't complaining, in fact he quite enjoyed how light and speedy he was feeling, though he wasn't so impressed with the tears that kept falling. If he was honest, he'd felt a bit weird for weeks. It had actually probably begun after they reduced his medication. Aaron suddenly slapped himself on the head. He should have discussed this with his doctor back in Dubai, but he hadn't noticed it, not really. Everything had sort of snuck up on him and suddenly he was on a plane and then he was laughing with Adam, and then he was making love to Jackson.

Aaron was scared, actually, he felt elated. This had never happened to this level before. Before, he'd been angry and confused and desperate and tearful and happy and like he could achieve anything he wanted. But invincible, like he was soaring, no Aaron had never felt this. He'd always been good, always be fearful of the doctor's warnings. It was clearly spelt out to him years ago that his bipolar disorder type 2 could easily turn in to type 1 if he didn't take care of himself. Is that what had happened, was he type 1 bipolar now? After only six missed doses? What did this mean? That he and Jackson were a symptom? Aaron found this idea amusing but then it also made him want to cry. Tears suddenly rolled out of him again, on cue, as if they were a performing act waiting in the wings. Could how much he loved Jackson be an illness? How could the way he felt complete around the other man, be a disease? Maybe he really did love Dean more than Jackson and this stupid not taking the pills has confused everything? His tears surged from a broken dam, plunging to the ground and drowning him. He was a tiny creature being carried along on the turbulent wave that the droplets created. He was underwater, he couldn't breathe, his gills wouldn't function, he was going to die.

"Aaron."

"Yeah." It was Paddy. His voice sounded loud. It had a strange clarity that surely shouldn't be there considering he was listening from beneath the water line.

"Please come back down, we want to talk to you."

"I'm getting dressed."

"OK. Once you're finished?" The worry was evident and clearly obvious even though he was hearing Paddy whilst sailing on his tears in the distance. "Are you OK?" he was asked. The ocean quickly receded and the seabed was drying up. "Yeah, I'm just getting dressed." It appeared that Paddy had no intention of leaving. Aaron listened to his footsteps as they shuffled around, they sounded heavy and slow. He had no idea that Paddy stepped with such incompetence. He shook his head and then the footsteps sounded normal.

Aaron looked down at his pills. At some point they'd exploded from the blister packaging and leapt into his hand. Six doses, that meant that twelve beans now jumped around. A waste paper goal sat in the corner of his room. It was the champion cup; they were 12-0 down. His teammates were depending on him, he had to get them in. Very carefully, Aaron lined the tiny balls up in his palm. He levelled his hand, keeping it perfectly still; around him the crowd was going wild. He curled his finger, readying it and collectively everyone held their breath. He tensed the digit, his teammates froze and then giving them a cocky grin, he flicked. The first seven balls sailed into the net, the fans were jumping up and down on their seats. He was on his way; he was going to make it.

It could have been anything, a distraction from the right, overconfidence, complete misjudgement. Aaron didn't know but the eighth ball shot straight at first and then quickly started descending, short of its goal. It landed inches from its destination and the fans wept.

"Damn," Aaron muttered, climbing to his feet. He then reached for that pill and along with the others in his hand, threw them in the bin.

"I'm not leaving without you, Aaron."

"Damn," and then he went to throw on some clothes.

* * *

><p>It was some time later before Sarah had relaxed. She'd been walking around the edge of the village, taking in the calming scenery, when she'd stopped at a bench. Here she was able to reflect over the conversation without the jumpiness of a rapidly increased heart rate. She studied her words and Dean's responses with the detachment of a historian flicking through old newsreels. It was then that something occurred to her. It was mostly to do with Dean's quiet posture and his reflective stillness. She'd blabbed on, much more than she should have and Dean had barely reacted. She'd taken it as protectiveness, as defence. Sarah suddenly sat up straighter. Realisation dawned. She'd messed up, she'd got it wrong. Damn. This wasn't a man who was uncomfortable talking about his partner's past. This was a man standing with the muted shock of hearing about something for the first time. Damn, damn, damn. Panic flooded Sarah, she needed to get back quick.<p>

* * *

><p>Cain wiped the oil from his hands, concentrating in particular on where it had gathered in the cracks of his dry knuckles. It was late morning and almost noon and he'd decided to reward himself with an early lunch. The day was beautifully hot, accompanied with just a trickle of a gentle breeze, keeping the air fresh. It was the perfect condition for drinking a pint on one of the Woolpack benches. He envisioned closing his eyes against that hot sun, whilst sipping on that cool beer, perfect. He pulled off his overalls and chucked them on the desk, the force caused something to roll onto the floor. Cain disinterestedly noted that it was a pen. He paused momentarily, contemplating picking it up but the pull of the beer made him leave it. After a quick glance around, he decided not to bother locking up the garage. He then headed down the drive.<p>

Adam's car was pulling up and as Cain reached the bottom, he saw how sloppy the parking was. He watched him not even attempt to straighten up or reverse so that he wasn't partially blocking the drive. Cain folded his arms and leant against the brick wall. Adam was grabbing something hurriedly on the passenger seat, he hadn't noticed he had an audience. "You can't leave that here." It had been said with Cain's usual amount of aggression and it had caused Adam to stop short. He blinked, slightly confused. "You're blocking the drive. We need the access."

"I'm going to see Jackson." Cain wasn't quite sure in which universe that acted as a good excuse and he narrowed his eyebrows. "Good for you. Now, what am I supposed to tell my customers when they can't get up the drive?"

"I'll move it in a second," the distraction in Adam's voice was obvious. "Why can't you move it now?"

"I need to see Jackson!" Adam wasn't usually so irritable and it made Cain stop. If he was being so short, then there was obviously something wrong. "What's going on?"

"I don't know. He's just called me in a right state. Something about Aaron and his medication." Cain forgot about the car immediately. He didn't even wait for Adam. He just turned up Dale Head's path and let himself through the front door.

* * *

><p>Jackson felt like he'd been sitting for days whilst absolute panic had consumed him. The seconds ticked slowly. He held his breath, willing Adam to hurry, suddenly scared that he hadn't emphasised how serious the situation was. And then suddenly the front door burst open and it was Cain who was allowing the door to rattle against the wall. Jackson felt no surprise, merely relief, especially as Adam was straight behind.<p>

"What's going on?" demanded Cain. Next to him, Adam appeared slightly breathless.

"It's Aaron. He's stopped taking his medication." Cain's eyes flashed, "Do Chas or Paddy know?" Even though Jackson couldn't feel, he knew his heart beat was racing. "No."

"Why not?" Cain immediately reached for the phone in his pocket. Perhaps Jackson had called Adam because he had a cool head. Perhaps it was because he knew Aaron was frantic at the thought of his mother finding out. Or perhaps it was that he was afraid of Chastity screaming all her accusations again. Jackson didn't know the reason and more importantly, it didn't matter. "I don't know!"

"How much has he missed?" asked Adam as Cain went silent, he was listening for the call to connect. "A few days' worth. He's really not right. I think he's getting manic."

"She's not picking up. I'll call Paddy."

"There's more. Dean's turned up and Aaron's got it in his head that he's going to finish with him to be with me." Neither Adam nor Cain reacted to that. "I'm scared he's going to break up with Dean whilst he's ill and regret it when he's better." Cain merely turned his head to concentrate on the call. Adam reached out a hand to Jackson's shoulder. There was a quiet communication between them. Both knew that it was Adam's encouragement that made Jackson reconsider everything. The doubt in Adam's eyes was obvious. He was regretting everything he'd said. Adam was thinking that all this was because of the bipolar disorder. It was a confirmation that Jackson didn't need and it made him nauseous.

* * *

><p>"Where's the fire?" Sarah didn't seem to notice Joe outside Dale Head as he climbed out from his car. She stopped sharply and he grinned at her, but then noted her flushed face. She looked upset and it put Joe on edge. Joe wasn't supposed to be working today, but he couldn't stay away. He'd texted Jackson to find out how it was going with Aaron and had yet to hear a response. The last time he'd seen them, he was sneaking off to spend the afternoon with his daughters, whilst Jackson and Aaron reunited. Other than getting a 'things are good' message a few hours into the reconciliation, everything had been silent. So, eventually, under the pretence of picking up some paperwork, Joe had sheepishly headed back to find out for himself. Seeing Sarah looking so troubled now caused alarm bells to start ringing. "Are you alright?" Sarah didn't usually wear such a serious expression. "Not really."<p>

"What's wrong?" She didn't even hesitate before explaining, her words tumbled out hurriedly, "Dean's turned up and we found out that Aaron has bipolar disorder." Joe's eyes widened, "he is bipolar?"

Sarah nodded as she crossed her arms tightly and then allowed them to drop to her sides. She was a jumble of nerves. "Earlier, Jackson and I took Aaron to the pub because he needed help, he was acting really strangely. We get there to find Dean. Afterwards, Aaron walked off with him and Chas told us about the bipolar disorder. Only then Aaron turns up here to beg Jackson to believe that he still wanted him. I was asked to leave. Then I got to the café and…" she paused and Joe couldn't ignore the panic in her voice, "and I think I've done something really stupid." Joe felt stunned, he couldn't absorb Sarah's words. Too much had happened in less than twenty-four hours. "What have you done?"

She swallowed hard, "I went to the café and Dean was there and Brenda was talking about the book and everything that Aaron had been through. And I thought from his behaviour that he already knew. So I opened my big fat gob about the suicide attempts. But, actually, I don't think Dean knows anything about it. I don't think he even knows who Jackson was to Aaron!" For a moment, Joe didn't know how to react for the best. He froze in front of Sarah and searched her face desperately. It seemed Sarah wanted someone to take control, "What the hell should I do?" The panic in Sarah's voice broke through to him. He took a shaky breath, steadying himself. He was surprised at how calm he sounded, "Where's Jackson now?"

"In the house, I hope."

"And Aaron and Dean?"

"I don't know, I left Aaron with Jackson."

"Right then, we need to warn them.

* * *

><p>Aaron stomped down the stairs, closely behind Paddy. It was less to do with being annoyed and more to do with how pleasing the sounds where. Against the carpeted wooden steps, he was creating interesting thud noises. He didn't miss Paddy looking at him strangely, "Aaron, what are you doing?"<p>

"Sounds cool." Then he ran back up to do it again. Paddy just waited at the bottom and during the third go, chewed his lip and watched thoughtfully. "Come on," he gently encouraged and Aaron followed after him, smiling to himself and feeling stupidly proud at the fantastical sounds he'd just made.

In the doorway to the living room, Paddy stopped unexpectedly and Aaron almost crashed into him. "Hi," said Paddy, in a slightly higher voice than normal. Aaron peered around the much larger man and a huge sigh swooped from him as he realised who it was. In the living room stood Dean. Immediately, Aaron realised that something wasn't quite right. Dean's eyes were brimming with tears. He seemed to be shaking slightly. "What's wrong?" asked Aaron. Dangling by his side and in Dean's right hand was a book. His index finger was trapped between pages, as if it were a marking, a point. Aaron cocked his head, he couldn't read the title.


	51. Chapter 51

"What's wrong?" asked Aaron. Dean was in the living room. Chastity was standing behind, a stricken expression on her face. Dean was swallowing hard, he looked like he might be sick. His face was contorted to a look of anger. All Paddy could think to do was create some kind of barrier between him and Aaron, because Paddy recognised the book that was gripped in Dean's hand. And, he already knew what was going to happen next. "Can you give us a minute, please?" The request was made with such tension that Dean almost spat out the words.

"What's wrong?" asked Aaron again, seemingly oblivious. He easily moved around Paddy and entered the room. Paddy wanted to wrap his arms around Aaron and drag him away. "I want to talk to you alone." Dean was so rigid. His jaw was clenched. It made his face a mass of angles, there were no longer curves created by easy smiles. "I'm sorry, Dean, but we're not going to leave." Eyes flashed dangerously towards Paddy, but it wouldn't make a difference. Aaron needed help. Neither he nor Chas were leaving him alone. Aaron took a step towards Dean, but Dean recoiled. When Paddy glanced at Aaron, he could see the confusion on his face. "Dean, what's wrong?" The only response Aaron got was a stare. Dean's stare seemed to penetrate. His nostrils flared with his heavy breaths. Watching it all from the sidelines was Chastity who, for some reason, was completely quiet. Perhaps the shock had silenced her. Perhaps comprehension had finally dawned. _This was her doing_. The scene playing out here was _her_ responsibility. "Let's talk about this later, yeah?" because right now they had more urgent things to discuss, like Aaron's condition. For some reason, Paddy's words seemed to propel Dean. He took a deep breath and lifted the book. "What is that?" asked Aaron. Dean's stare intensified. He gave a humourless laugh as he turned to a page. He held the book so tightly the cover curled from the force. His eyes dropped and there was a second of silence before he started to speak.

'_After I'd finished the drink, I lay feeling more at peace than ever before. There was still time. It would have been so easy to call an ambulance, have them take me to the hospital and pump my stomach. Then Aaron and I could spend the rest of our lives together, me in a wheelchair and him changing my colostomy bag. But I didn't want it, couldn't handle it. And Aaron knew this. Aaron, who loved me more than anything in the world, and who couldn't imagine life without me. Which was why, as I sleepily fantasised that my death would be like climbing out of my chair and giving myself a good stretch before taking a stroll, Aaron was upstairs, taking an overdose of his own.'_

In front of him, Paddy could see Aaron's outline tremble. Aaron advanced again and Dean took a further step back. "What is that?" began Aaron. "Dean," Paddy pleaded, but it was completely ignored. What did he say now? 'I'm sorry that Aaron has a secret life that you know nothing about but he has an even bigger secret that we need to deal with now?' Dean riffled quickly through pages. His face darkened further.

'_That single moment was the most terrifying in my life. Aaron was completely blackened by his own blood. He was gone, replaced by some creature, whose eyes rampantly scanned the room. I was utterly helpless as he dragged the large shard of glass across his own arm. It split his skin like a hot knife through butter. The screaming noises that escaped were from me.' _

The book was shut and Dean let it drop loosely at his side. No one spoke. "You told me those scars were from you falling through a pane of glass." Aaron didn't say a word, the trembling intensified. "Give me the book," he demanded

"_You told me those scars were from falling through glass!" _Dean suddenly reached forward, and grabbed Aaron's wrist, he twisted it. Several thick lines were embedded in his forearm. The scars showed starkly against his tanned skin. "You lied to me!"

Aaron yanked his arm back, he wasn't interested in explaining, "_Give me the book!"_ He grabbed for it urgently. His movements were frenzied and uncoordinated. Aaron was completely out of control. He missed repeatedly and Dean coiled his hand around Aaron's t-shirt, keeping him at bay. Paddy didn't miss the shock in his eyes. Their faces were inches from each other. Aaron's teeth were now bared. He was still scrabbling, screaming at Dean to hand over the book. Both Paddy and Chastity leapt into action, she tried to push Aaron as he pulled, but Aaron held on with demented determination. Everyone was yelling. Dean was in a vice-like grip. Together, they pulled him away. The force caused them to crash against the sofa back and fall to the floor. Chastity quickly wrapped her arms around her flailing son. She tried to speak soothing words, but Aaron's yells had descended into tears. Dean's breath came out hard and forceful, he eyed both Chas and Paddy wildly, "What the hell is going on?"

"Aaron has bipolar disorder!" Aaron was trying to claw out of his mother's grasp as she spoke. His cries had intensified. He sounded like he was in terrible pain. Dean's voice hitched, "What?" His breathing still hadn't resumed. "He has a mental illness! We need to get him to a doctor." There was no reaction from Dean, just the muted, glazed expression from someone in shock. Paddy's heart went out to him, but there was no time for condolences. His attention was still on Aaron, who was now rolling around, trying to worm his way from them all. Crawling and slithering towards the door. Howling and screaming as he reached for the exit. Just like it stated in Jackson's book, Aaron was gone, replaced by some other creature. "Call an ambulance!" Chastity shouted and, for a moment, it looked as if Dean wouldn't react.

As Chastity and Paddy tried to calm Aaron, Dean could be heard making the phone call. The conversation was halting. Dean repeatedly zoned out before the reality of the situation jolted him back into action. By the time he had finished, Aaron had grown quieter. He was lying on the floor, with Paddy wrapped around him, gently stroking his arms. He twitched as if jolts of electricity were passing through him. Tears were running down Chastity's cheeks. "I don't understand," is all that Dean could say. Aaron softly murmured, "I want to read the book." Paddy shushed him. "Please," Aaron whimpered, rocking gently. He gently untangled himself from Paddy, using the back of the couch to pull himself into a sitting position. His movements were unhurried and had lost their earlier agitation. "Please, I want the book." Aaron's tone was of a child, desperate and sad. It caused Paddy's heart to constrict. "Dean, give him the book." He complied and then stepped back urgently. It was clear in Dean's eyes that he was looking at a stranger. That the person in front of him wasn't his boyfriend, his partner, the man he thought he would be spending the rest of his life with. A gargled sob escaped Aaron's lips, "I can't read it." Desperation made his eyes bright. Aaron's impotence was palpable. "It's OK, Aaron," Chastity began, "you're not well, we're going to help you." She reached out and stroked his head. "What is this?" Aaron begged, looking at the book. It was a paperback, in big black letters the title, 'A person's worth', was wrapped around a silhouette of a figure. The front cover was a simple white. Jackson's name showed clearly. Paddy didn't understand Aaron's confusion, was his condition so acute that he had no recollection about the book? "It's Jackson's book, Aaron." Aaron gazed back, dazed, "Why am I in it?" Paddy looked at Chastity, alarmed, "You know that you're in it. Adam sent you over the manuscript, remember? You agreed that it could be published, remember?" All Dean could do was stand against the wall, staring at them. His eyes barely believing what they were witnessing. "I," Aaron trailed off, his mouth opened and closed in succession. He slumped slightly, still with the book in his hand. No further words formed as he scanned the distance. There was silence until Dean spoke, "I didn't know about his illness." His voice barely carried from where he was pressed into the wall. "He's always had strange moods, but I had no idea it was as serious as this." Paddy looked sombrely, he risked a quick glance at Aaron, who seemed oblivious to the conversation. "We only found out a couple of days ago."

"But all that, in the book. You knew about it?" Paddy just nodded. Dean looked at Chastity, "Is this why you called me? Why you got me to come here, because of his bipolar disorder?" Aaron murmured something and Chastity reached out her hand to his thigh, in comfort, but he didn't react. Paddy studied her, he'd exhausted all his energy now, and he'd none left to fuel contempt. She was ignoring Dean's question, tending to Aaron, who merely stared. She eventually answered, "Yes." She ignored Paddy's gaze.

There was nothing else to say. It looked as though every question that jumped to Dean's lips died instantly. Aaron was still making the odd sound. Chastity and Paddy were still keeping him calm. The room was frozen into a portrait of apprehension. The only thing that moved was the spasm of Aaron's body. "I need to see Jackson." Paddy jerked straighter at Aaron's words, "You can see him in a bit." Chastity's eyes widened, she wrapped a hand around Aaron's arm. "I need to talk to him." Dean pushed himself off the wall. "You can in a bit," Chas answered, she looked panicked. "Shouldn't the ambulance be here soon?"

"Yeah," replied Dean

"I need to see him." What was Dean thinking? That was all Paddy could ask himself. Dragged thousands of miles to listen to his boyfriend talk of his need to see another man. Paddy glanced over, but noted only a look of concern from Dean. "I need to see him." Aaron clamoured to his feet, still clutching the book. "Just wait a bit," begged Chastity. They both jumped up, trying to maintain their grip on Aaron. "Get off me!"

"Aaron."

"_Get off me!" _They let go. "OK," thought Paddy quickly, "we'll come with you." But Aaron wasn't hearing him. He was marching past Dean and through the pub. He was bumping into the staff and customers, whose curious glances told that they'd heard the commotion. The three of them followed him closely. 'Here we go again,' Paddy thought, feeling sick.


	52. Chapter 52

When the front door crashed open, Jackson hadn't realised that it could get any worse. They were now all there. Every player, from the main all the way down to the support. Before the door opened, Sarah had been standing directly in front of him, pleading for his understanding. Because she hadn't realised, she hadn't recognised that she'd let slip to an unknowing Dean. Behind her, Cain was walking backwards and forwards. His frustrated grunts sounded. His phone calls alternated. He didn't care who he got hold of as long as it was one of them. No call was answered. This stopped just before the door opened. Adam was all business. All calm. This wasn't the first time, he was reasoning. It had happened before and they'd dealt with it. They'd deal with it now. He was completely prepared to search, not caring that he wasn't sure where to start, just like they'd had to do before. This ended before the door opened. The only one to remain silent was Joe. His eyes scanned Jackson. The worry rolled off him, offering a blanket of support. His attention was diverted when the door opened.

So when the door opened, that was it. They were all there, just like in those epic films that spend hours setting up for the big conclusion. The introduction of the characters, the themes, and all those carefully navigated plot twists, they'd all amalgamated to form this big budget, sleek production. The only problem was that no one wanted to see it, especially not Jackson. Maybe he should just keep his head down and scoff popcorn. Maybe he should take a toilet break. Maybe he could stage a walkout on the grounds that the film was truly terrible. And it was, Jackson's life really was like a terrible movie. How many showdowns can happen in one film? Surely there should only be one. Or maybe just several little ones leading to the big apex. Had everything that had happened already been only minor? The thought scared Jackson, because if all this was just the ground work for the grand finale, then what was to come would be truly terrifying.

That door opened and people spilled through it. It wasn't a surprise. Voices could be heard outside. Pleas for calm carried into the house. When that door opened, everyone had already stopped. Jackson felt the panic and he knew his heart was beating faster. That door opened and four more people entered. Aaron, Chastity, Paddy, and Jackson's eyes squeezed shut when lastly Dean followed.

Aaron marched straight towards him. A book waved frantically in his hand, "Jackson, what is this?" He didn't keep it still long enough for Jackson to look at the cover, but that didn't matter. Sarah had already informed him about her mistake. What he couldn't understand though, was what Aaron was asking. Why was he asking about a book that he already knew about? Shouldn't Dean be the one looming over him? Paddy called out an explanation, "he's got your book, Jackson, he's confused by it."

"What is this?" The book was pulled open only inches from his face and Jackson had to lean his head back. Behind him he could hear Sarah gasping. "What is this?" he repeated desperately. Aaron's eyes were large, they were the epicentre of his face. They darted around, closed, blinked and then stared. His tongue snaked out and swiped at his lip. He twitched and jerked. His arms unsteadily held the book out. His hair was wet as if he'd just showered, he had a loose top and jeans on and Jackson numbly noticed that he wasn't wearing any shoes. Jackson felt like he was missing an entire chapter. What had happened in the last forty minutes? How had Aaron's manic state increased to such an extent? How was he meant to respond if he didn't have all the information? Chastity approached from behind, she tried to gently wrap her hands around Aaron's frame. "Why don't you..."

"Leave me alone!" She'd been trying to get him to sit down. Aaron's scream had been so sharp and sudden that she dropped her arms in shock. None of the spectators reacted, the only one who continued to speak was Aaron with his intense plea, "_Jackson, what is this_?" The agitation and confusion that he was witnessing, froze Jackson. It was Paddy's turn to placate now. He took one step forward and gently smiled, his words poured smoothly like honey. "Aaron, if you sit down, then we can all talk." It was said with a softness reserved only for a child. It caught Aaron off guard, seemed to wind him down and he became aware of himself. He turned, slowly, suddenly conscious that there were others in the room. "Why are you all here?" His eyes search each person's face, they lingered on Dean the longest, "why are you all here?"

"We're here to help you." Adam cautiously stepped forward, he held out his hands appearing as non-threatening as possible, "I'm you're mate, Aaron," he smiled, "I just want to look out for you, like I always have." Aaron was completely bewildered, he touched his finger tips to his temple and giggled, "I'm fine." He stepped from foot to foot and rocked slightly, "I'm great, you don't have to worry about me." Aaron executed a strange little twirl and made a bow. Everyone in the room looked at each other, no doubt the sight of Aaron performing was a little shocking. "We talked about this, remember?" said Paddy, as Aaron giggled again, "we think something's gone wrong with your medication." Jackson was staring throughout this exchanged, he didn't think he could handle this now, didn't think he could help. He blinked though, at Paddy's words, realising that the other man didn't have the whole picture. Cain obviously realised the same thing and spoke up, "Aaron told Jackson that he'd stopped taking his medication." Both Paddy and Chastity exchanged glances and then turned to Jackson, who confirmed with a nod. Fear marred their features. Chas held her head in her hand, "oh god."

"Aaron, how long?" There was no answer. When Paddy asked the second time, he tried to keep his voice just as calm, it didn't have the desired effect. Aaron shuffled away from Paddy, resting even closer to Jackson's chair. He rocked on his heels slightly and stared out of the corners of his eyes. No one missed the returned agitation. "It's OK, will talk about it later," Paddy's words did nothing to pacify. Instead Aaron raised a slender, shaky hand towards Chastity and pointed, "she made me do it." Everyone froze for a second as comprehension took its time to arrive, "she made me do it."

"What?" Chastity's confusion was tangible.

"You made me do it." She took a step closer and Aaron retreated further, his frame was so close to Jackson that it almost obscured his view. "I don't understand."

"That doctor," Aaron pulled a hand down his face, it elongated his features. "That doctor said I could change my medication. You wouldn't let me." He pointed again, "you wouldn't let me."

"No, I…" she looked around the room, stuttering, trying to find her words. Everyone was watching her. "I just didn't want you stuck in the UK for weeks," her voice dropped feebly, "I thought you'd miss..." She stopped. Her eyes paused on Dean, who had barely moved since entering the room. She shut up. Her mouth tightly pursed together as tears splurged from her eyes. Her hand clasped her mouth and she shook her head, she was muted.

"We should call a doctor," Cain said quietly. It was almost comical how he was standing. His whole body was rigid, slightly posed, ready to pounce or run, and he spoke out of the corner of his mouth. There may as well have been an escaped tiger in the room, not his nephew. Paddy was quick to respond, his stance matched Cain's, "We've called an ambulance, they shouldn't be long."

Jackson watch Aaron react to their battle readiness. He jerked straighter as Adam stepped forward, and Joe and even Dean. "I don't need an ambulance." Aaron's eyes widened, and in his distressed state, took another step back, this time colliding with Jackson chair. He flailed slightly, but stopped himself from falling. He turned and Jackson stared at the man he didn't recognise. "Aaron," Joe warned delicately, "you need to be careful of Jackson." Aaron's breathing grew ragged. At some point, as Jackson blinked, they'd all encroached and formed a circle. Aaron's panic increased and everyone backed off, it was as if they hadn't realised that they were becoming dangerously close. "It's alright," promised Adam. This didn't make a difference.

"_Jackson_," Aaron begged, but it wasn't clear what he was asking. All Jackson could do was look up into his eyes. His pupils rolled around in their diluted state. He gnawed on the inside of his mouth. Aaron towered over him. The book, seemingly forgotten, was held at his side. "_Jackson, I don't need_ _an ambulance_." Jackson couldn't find any words. What was meant to happen now? An ambulance was on its way. Was their job to stay put until it arrived? Create no sudden movements, keep every breath as quiet as possible? Nothing made sense despite the clarity that had been cast on the situation. Aaron was bipolar. He was not in control of his actions. Every word, gesture and look were not his own. Everything that had happened was the result of an imbalance. Any reconciliation was paper thin and translucent. Jackson had no claim over the man staring down at him. This man, who rampantly sucked in his cheeks and repeated his name. Jackson wanted to respond, wanted him close, he wanted to shush him and tell him that everything would be OK. But he couldn't because he didn't know the rules anymore, didn't know if he had the right. No one else moved as Aaron trembled out Jackson's name. It killed Jackson to hear the raw emotion in his voice. His knees bent, barely holding up his weight and his head lulled. "_Jackson_." He twitched where he stood, swallowing hard. It made Jackson sick.

Jackson spoke tentatively, "It's OK," his voice caught in his throat and struggled to form the words. "It's OK," he repeated, stronger now. Aaron's face scrunched up before him. His eyes glazed with unshed tears. He knelt down in front of the chair and rubbed his hands up and down Jackson's arm, "I don't need an ambulance," Aaron whispered, "make it go away."

"OK." The room was full, crowded with statues staring at them. No statue appeared to breath. "It won't come. It will be alright," he lied. Aaron's hands moved further along Jackson's arms. He reached up and stretched, wrapping himself around Jackson's neck. He circled him and pulled himself closer. Jackson felt Aaron's beard as it nuzzled him. They stayed like this. Jackson couldn't ignore the looks that settled on them. Dean's eyes in particular bore into him. He tried to ignore his gaze, tried to ignore the other man, but it was impossible.

Wrapped around him, Aaron readjusted himself, holding tighter and burrowing deeper and Jackson prayed for the ambulance to arrive. Jackson felt the heavy breaths collide against his cheek. He willed his arms to wrap around Aaron but they wouldn't move. This appeared to be the solution. No one made any attempt to change the situation. A general feeling emanated that as long as Aaron stayed like this, then things might be alright. It could be seen in the way they'd slightly relaxed. Cain pulled up a chair. Sarah let out a sigh. Chastity's tears had dried up. Paddy looked on with a strained thoughtfulness. Joe's eyes widened reassuringly. Only Dean stayed just as coiled as before. His arms were tightly folded.

They remained like this for long moments. The oven beeped, telling of a new hour. A muted thud could be heard outside, as if someone had dropped something noisily from some distance away. Dean let out a shuddering sigh and stared. No one even attempted idle conversation. But then Aaron loosened his grip and slid away slightly. The distance created enough space to enable him to stare down at Jackson's lap. The book had been dropped there and it seemed to re-catch his attention. "Jackson, what is this?" Immediately, the room came to attention again.

"It's my book." Confusion clouded Aaron's expression, "why am I in it?"

"It's about the accident and me getting better," he answered uneasily, he couldn't understand what he was being asked. Aaron started rubbing at his head. He'd jerked away and it made everyone on edge. "But this book is about you. Why am I in it?" Behind him, Jackson searched for reassurance, for guidance. Everyone was as confused as him. "Aaron?" Aaron started fumbling through the book. He turned the pages, he pulled the book close to his eyes and then moved it back. A page tore slightly from the force and Aaron stared at it, confounded for a second. He scraped his teeth across his lip. "I'm in it."

"I know you are." Aaron started clawing through the pages. His fingers moved clumsily. He scanned through the text rampantly. He was a few pages through when he stopped and started to cry. "Aaron," Chastity tried to move towards him but Aaron screamed at her. She stopped in her tracks. "I can't find it."

"What are you looking for?" Jackson implored. "_I can't find it!_" Aaron's tone turned frenzied. He pivoted, glaring at everyone. "_I can't find it!_"

"We can help you." But Aaron was ignoring Paddy. Instead, he marched over to Dean. The book was pushed into his hands. Dean shrank back, fearful. "Help me."

"What do you need?" His words came out deceptively calm, they didn't match the alarm on Dean's face. "That stuff," Aaron swallowed hard, "that stuff that you read earlier. Where is it?

"I…" Dean trailed off. Slowly he looked down at the pages. "You've got to help me, _please_."

"I don't know where it is, Aaron." Poor Dean. Jackson could only sit and watch as the other man looked into Aaron's eyes utterly powerless. Out of everyone here, he was the victim. Did he even know? Did he know about the last few days? About the loaded pauses and glances? About the kisses and hugs? About the sex? Did he know about the confessions and the plans? What thoughts had run through his mind as Aaron had been wrapped around Jackson's neck earlier? Jackson could only imagine. Aaron tore the book from Dean's grasp, "I know it's here somewhere!" he screamed loudly and shrill. He whirled around, clutching the book. His eyes contorted into an angry glare. "Where is it?"

"Aaron," Jackson pleaded. But Aaron wasn't listening, he tore into the book. Turning page after page. Dropping the book and then retrieving it. "I know I'm in here."

"Yes, you are!"

"Why?" Aaron was looming over him once again. His teeth clenched. He spat as he spoke.

"I told you that you were in it. Adam sent it over to you."

"I did, Aaron," Adam agreed, quickly and reassuringly, "you said it was OK." Aaron moved back and forward. His face had twisted. He was bright red. Sweat poured down his forehead. "The book is meant to be about you, not me!"

"I know." Jackson couldn't keep up for what was happening. Aaron had read the book. He'd even OK'd it. "But you were such a big part of my life, of course I included you!" Aaron's frame froze. His agitation halted. He gasped loudly and clutched the book tightly, it was like something had just occurred to him. "Everyone knows about me!"

"What?"

"Since I've been back. Everyone knows. Betty, Alicia, Alan and others. They've all spoken to me. All said strange things." A sickly look consumed Aaron's face, "they've all read it, haven't they?"

Jackson's reply came out small, "Yes."

"And you, have you read it?" Suddenly Aaron was pointing at Sarah. Her eyes were red. She'd been quiet throughout. She looked around unsurely before answering, "yes." Aaron jerked backwards as if he'd been shot by a bullet, "oh no, no, no, no."

"Aaron, you knew!"

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"You were sent it!"

"_I never read it!_" Every participant in the room paused. Only Aaron's cries sounded. He screeched out angrily at Jackson. "_I didn't want anything to do with you. You broke my heart. I loved you more than anything in the_ _world and you ripped it to shreds_." His words competed with the huge wracking sobs that escaped his lips. His outstretched hand pointed accusingly. "_I said yes because I wanted rid of you! I didn't_ _know that I would be in it so much!_" Aaron's eyes widened fiercely. He turned his anger to the book, tearing, trying to twist it. This failed to make an impact and so he ripped at the pages. No one stopped him. "_You hurt me. I love you so much but you hurt me every time!_" Pages scattered the air. "_How could you do this to me?_" Aaron howled through his tears. "_I hate you!" _He threw the book aimlessly and it thudded loudly against the wall, scarcely missing Jackson. _I hate you!_" This wasn't enough. Aaron was completely out of control. He reeled towards the dining table. Papers sat upon it. Aaron splayed his hands across the surface, knocking them all off. The screams that accompanied where guttural. Everyone in the room propelled forward, they reached for him but Aaron continued on his path of destruction. The shelves were next. They were covered in books and mementoes. Photographs were displayed and funny trinkets decorated the surface. Aaron pulled rampantly at the artefacts. Books thudded, glass shattered. Everyone was shouting. Jackson couldn't move, couldn't think. He was vaguely aware of Joe overriding his wheelchair control and pulling him back to safety. Cain had reached Aaron first. He wrapped his arms around his waist and with the help of Adam, wrestled him to the ground. "We need to hold him down!" shouted Cain and everyone grabbed at a limb. Arms held him fast but Aaron, in his feverish state, bucked and squirmed. He twisted and curled. He screamed and spat. Repeatedly, he cried out Jackson's name. His eyes bulged in panic. His desperate pleas lost their clarity. All Jackson could do was watch.

Exhaustion wouldn't overcome Aaron and everyone holding on was doing so on adrenaline. His gargled cries continued. The relentless screams assaulted the atmosphere. His arms and legs continued to flail. When the low ambulance sirens were heard in the distance, Chastity ran outside to redirect them to Dale Head. The scene that greeted the paramedics was one of chaos. Jackson watched their faces assess the situation. He heard the quick explanation from Chastity. Cain shouted that they couldn't control Aaron for much longer. A female paramedic called for something named 'Midazolam.' Then she was instructing everyone to hold him still as she pulled his trousers down to expose his thigh. Aaron's screams became demonic, more hysterical. They were noises that no one should ever hear. He screamed for Jackson. Tried to reach out for him but failed. An injection was given and Aaron's movements slacked. They lost their determination. He became calmer. His eyes relaxed. His head lulled. Gasps of relief sounded around the room as everyone loosened their grip.

Jackson just watched as everyone stepped back to give the paramedics room. He watched Sarah's shock. He watch Joe hold out a comforting hand to her. Paddy and Chas stared intently, holding their breath as the stretcher was brought in. Cain remained stoic as he leant against the wall and Adam just waited. At the very back was Dean, his eyes were thickened by tears. He'd folded his arms tightly and shook his head absently. Nobody said a word unless one of the paramedics spoke directly to them.

Aaron was still conscious. On the stretcher, he rolled his eyes towards Jackson. He made a last feeble attempt to reach out a hand but gave up. Then the paramedics took him away.


	53. Chapter 53

Joe had pulled a chair towards him. He was sitting, leaning forward and keeping eye contact with Jackson. He was reaching out a hand to his arm to give him comfort. It didn't reach Jackson, who was now completely numb, from top to bottom, inside and out. The emotions and turbulence had left him empty and he didn't think he could remember how to interact. He watched Aaron's stretcher being lifted and the wheels extending out from beneath. The paramedics had placed an oxygen mask on his face and Aaron's expression was hidden behind it. Everyone was silent. The background noises of the village sounded louder than anything happening inside Dale Head.

The whole operation took too long. Excruciating minutes passed as the paramedics performed their tasks. Chastity and Paddy quietly arranged for her to go in the ambulance and Cain would drive Paddy. There was stiffness to all their words, slowness to their limbs. It relayed the disbelief that consumed everyone. If an outsider were to enter at that point, they would have surely left immediately, the tension being to dreadful a weight to bear. The strange thing was, Jackson thought, how no one seemed to be comforting anyone else. They had just witnessed something terrible together yet, other than from Joe, there was no sense of concern towards anyone. No arms circled one another. At no point did anyone utter the words 'are you alright?' Why was this? Could it have been because the appropriate focus was unclear? Which innocent bystander deserved consoling the most? There was, after all, a wealth of people to choose from. The best way to decide was to come up with a list of pros and cons for each individual. But then, as Jackson quickly realised, anyone who equals a deserving winner is knocked off the top spot by the next on the list. There's always one additional point, one extra observation, one more reason why you should feel sorrier for the next person. Best friend trumps the carer that inadvertently let slip about the explosive book. Ex-boyfriend trumps the best friend because his dreams have been shattered. Of course the Mother should definitely trump the ex-boyfriend. Any Mother with a mad man for a son deserved unconditional pity. Finally, you must not forget the _current_ boyfriend, perhaps the most innocent bystander of them all. A guy who had flown thousands of miles to watch the man he loved unravel before his eyes. Say that this was the Olympics and the moment of ascending the podium had arrived, only there was no one appropriate for silver or bronze. These two awards came directly after gold, it indicated that the runners up were just behind, only a little out of reach and none the less just as deserving. Without a doubt though, the truth was that in this circumstance the winner was so far ahead that he alone should mount that platform. Because out of this little band of contestants, there was only one true winner. Dean. Or perhaps that should be one true loser. And it was only after looking at this with an objective eye that Jackson couldn't understand why no one had gone over to him, why that concern and consolation that everyone was definitely capable of had not been directed to the poor man. Maybe just like Jackson, they didn't have a clue what to say.

What exactly did Dean know? This was unsure. He was so quiet, with his arms wrapped around him, and his mouth slightly open. He'd retreated into the small corner of the room, seemingly not a part of the happenings in front of him. Dean knew about the book. Knew that Jackson and Aaron had once been lovers. Knew that they had an intrinsic past that coiled and wrapped with such intensity, and Jackson wondered if Dean could envisage it unravelling. What of the rest though? Jackson didn't know. He wanted the other man to leave, to go to the hospital. He wanted Dean to have everything explained by Paddy, to have his fears comforted by Chastity, for them to give reassurance. This is what he willed as Aaron was rolled out of the house. He willed for Paddy to put a soothing arm around Dean's shoulders and lead him to Cain's car. He willed for Chastity to turn around and tell Dean that Aaron needed him. Neither of these things happened. Instead their overwhelming concern was for Aaron as he was wheeled down the path. And Dean made no motion to move. So when they had finally left, five people remained. Sarah, Joe, Adam, himself and Dean. It was only then that every occupant turned a thought to the other man.

It was Adam who spoke out first. The always affable Adam, whose usual, kind, gentle smile had fallen to the wayside in exchange for a blank expression. He walked over and extended his hand clumsily in order to shake Dean's, "Dean?" they'd yet to have any kind of introduction and it made Jackson want to laugh. "I'm Adam," he said softly. It was a crazy action on Adam's part and one obviously born out of shock. What person in their right mind strolls up to someone to introduce themselves after the events just witnessed? Quite rightly the only response that Adam got was a stare at the hand, a narrowing of eye brows and a look of bewilderment. Adam slowly dropped his arm, "Are you OK?" It took a while before Dean found his voice, "No, not really." His eyes were wide with utter disbelief. They slowly moved around the room, taking in the detail, cataloguing. They looked at the papers that scattered the floor before moving on to that book that had been thrown so inelegantly at Jackson, and finally they fixed _on_ Jackson. "Who are you?"

Who was he? Good question. He was a man, a tetraplegic, a teacher, an author. He was a man who had gone through some terrible things. But mostly he was a man who loved Aaron Livesy more than any other possible thing in the world. What did this mean, anything, nothing? How was he meant to answer this question? He couldn't and so, instead, he just stared. "Who are you to Aaron?" Twenty-four hours ago, he could have answered that. They were lovers, reunited, partners, in every sense of the word. And maybe if this had been asked twenty-four hours ago, Jackson would have been able to compose a response. It would have been full of sorrow and regret but, at least, it would have been sure. Dean looked at him, his eyes burrowing deeply, seemingly trying to comprehend, "he said _'I love you,'_ he said _'You hurt me. I love you so much but you hurt_ _me_ _every time_." Jackson couldn't answer. He didn't know anymore, the certainty had left him. Maybe if it had been twenty-four hours ago, then he would have fought, would have replied with strength. Dean unfolded his arms and pushed himself further into the room, his eyes were blotchy from his earlier tears, his mouth seemed to struggle to form his questions. "Have you been together, since he's been back?" Jackson could have denied everything, should have even. But then that would require skill, the ability to formulate an alternative truth. To then think on the spot and weave and create. Jackson the author didn't have a problem with this. Jackson the man struggling to comprehend couldn't conjure the lie. His answer came out barely audible, "Yes."

"What did you do together?" They laughed, cried, argued, fought, whispered, delighted, fretted, lay so close together, made plans, shared oxygen. And Jackson could have listed each of these things but he didn't dare to utter one. "Have you been intimate?" Jackson's eyes tightly shut. He heard Dean take another step closer. "Have you kissed him?" He looked back up and felt suspended in the bright headlight that was Dean's stare. Cold shock clouded his judgment. It ruined his ability to conceal the truth. "We slept together."

"Slept together?" Dean was nearer now and Jackson watched his eyes widen, "as in, you slept in the same bed?" His body took on a tremble, it distorted Dean's outline. Should Jackson say it? _Did he have to_ _say it?_ A sickly feeling rose in his throat. The edges of the room darkened and the only form he could see was Dean's. Finally he breathed out a response, "We had sex."

"Sex?" Dean snorted. A half-formed disbelieving smile almost graced his face. His eyes wildly scanned up and down Jackson's frame. "How can you have sex? I thought you couldn't move."

"Aaron did all the moving." The laugh that followed was startling. It wasn't small or discreet, it didn't trickle from Dean's lips. It boomed out of him. It was hoarse and rough and verging on hysterical. He folded over before straightening. "I can't even get an erection out of him and here you are telling me that you've had sex. And it was _Aaron_ doing all the work!" This was horrible, it was too much. Jackson wanted to press his hands tightly to his ears, close his eyes and scream. He wanted to drown every one of his senses, cut them off from the world. "We never have sex, me and Aaron," Dean said, speaking softly. "He doesn't have a sex drive. I can remember every time since we've been together." He paused and made a show of counting on his fingers. "Not even once a month and we've been together for two years. I must really love him, huh?" Jackson swallowed. "So, go on then, how many times in the last week have you and he had sex?" Jackson froze. "How many?" This wasn't right. Why was he here now, finding himself in this situation? Dean took another step closer, "How many?"

"Three."

"Three!" More laughter escaped Dean. He shook his head, wielding a glare as if it were a sword, "You can't even move but you can still get him off more than me!" They just stared at each other. Dean's nostrils flared slightly, "Did Aaron tell you all about me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, talk about that guy who he won't let fuck him."

"No, of course not."

"Find it funny that he shrugged me off whenever my hand slid inside his trouser leg?"

"I didn't know."

"Did you laugh at me?"

"No."

"Of course you did. You must have thought I was a right fool!" Jackson suddenly came to life. This was irrelevant. It had already been established that Aaron was bipolar. That he'd stopped taking his pills. The knowledge weighed Jackson down, rooted him. It had caused his world to crash. Jackson found his voice. "No, you want to know what a fool looks like? It looks like me!" Dean stopped sharply. Jackson had his attention. "I thought I had him back, I thought we were together. All those times we kissed and made love and lay together. And you know what? I thought it was for keeps this time." His voice cracked, "But it wasn't. None of it was real. Aaron stopped taking his pills before any of this started. Apparently, they'd changed his medication before he'd even got on the plane!" Tears trailed Jackson's cheeks. "I don't know why you and Aaron weren't having sex, maybe it was because of his medication? That's possible, isn't it? Medication can lower libido!" He choked slightly and gasped around his cries, "All I know is that nothing means anything anymore!" Jackson sobbed and in front of him, Dean's image blurred before focusing. The other man was frozen. He just stared but Jackson couldn't tell what impression, if any, his words had made.

Dean spoke softly, "I didn't even know he was bipolar."

"Neither did I, until this morning." That comment threw Dean, he raised his eyes, his face scrunched up in confusion. "So you see, I'm not special, Dean. Aaron felt he could trust me no more than you. I only found out because his Mother told me." Dean glanced vacantly to the other occupants in the room, the ones that had remained silent. He shifted uncomfortably on the spot. His fingers outstretched absently by his sides. Jackson didn't know what he was thinking and, most of all, he didn't care. He was too exhausted now. He was tired. He just wanted to lie down and ignore the world. He wanted to sleep through any further drama. Then, for that second, he wanted not to wake up again. He was feeling all this and so, when Dean finally turned around and left, he did nothing to stop him.


	54. Chapter 54

For some time, Aaron was slumped back into the recesses of the mattress. The softness kept him cocooned and its comfort kept him still. There was a gentle rocking motion making him drowsy. Every now and again, he would briefly close his eyes, and each time he reopened them, he felt as if it were a great effort. They were in the back of an ambulance. His Mum was there along with another woman. This woman kept readjusting an oxygen mask after each lazy attempt that Aaron made to remove it. His Mum kept talking. Her mouth expanded and contorted into a myriad of forms. He watched the motions, fascinated. Of the speed and depth they took, of the precision and competence that they were completed with. Disconcerting, though, was the invisible barrier that clung to his outline. It seemed to distort her words as they passed through and by the time Aaron intercepted them, he had no clue what they were.

The view changed and he was floating down a corridor. People in blue uniforms and white coats surrounded him. Their faces loomed down in front of Aaron but they didn't belong to any human he'd seen before. They were terribly deformed and each person's features held physical extremities. Eyes bulged and cheeks rippled in waves. Hair weaved and slithered as if it were a life of its own. Long bony hands unfurled towards him. The sight was sickening and yet Aaron lacked the ability to leave. He was still and powerless. His mind could not call to action the requirements to move. Behind them, the room spun into vortexes before stabilising, dividing and then crashing into one another. The room split, becoming a series of kaleidoscopes and then fused. Sometimes, the people submerged, other times they remained still against the chaotic background.

Time continued and his mother looked more and more startling. Random pulses burst across her lips, sending out shockwaves across the surface. Her fingers that maintained a grasp on his arm, grew and knobbled and twisted. Her pupils bled into their surrounding areas; the blackness seeped from her sockets and ran down her face. Her skin receded in small circles, exposing bone. Aaron started screaming.

Words were thrust at him, but the language held no recollection. Hands lowered towards his body, forebodingly. Tendrils of fingers with sharp, pointed nails stabbed and broke flesh. Aaron scrapped together the will to move and finally managed to break free from the immobilisation his mind had created. Suddenly, he was surrounded by more mutilated figures. They towered over him and held him down. Material was tightly strapped around his wrists and legs, cutting off all chance of escape. Aaron continued to scream.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry that we have to meet again under these circumstances." They had been the accompanying words that Doctor Malcolm had used with his greeting. Chastity had already explained to Paddy and Cain that this was the doctor who had seen Aaron only a few days ago. Seriousness defined his face, "I understand Aaron stopped taking his medication."<p>

"That's right," answered Paddy, "is he OK?" Earlier, Aaron's sedation had worn off and he'd become increasingly agitated. The doctors and nurses had repeatedly asked the simplest questions but it was as if Aaron couldn't even understand them. He'd merely cried and screamed, tried to run away and remained petrified. Doctor Malcolm had entered and ordered he be restrained and all Chastity could do was to watch her son as he lost bladder control in his frenzied panic. It was shortly after that the doctors made a decision and gave him two injections. Chas still didn't know what they were. Paddy, Cain and herself had watched the change in Aaron. He'd seized up like a child playing musical statues. His entire frame froze in his attempt to curl inwards, it was as if he was waiting for the music to restart. The three of them had been ushered out of the room and through the window they'd watched Aaron being examined. Lights were shone in his eyes but Aaron didn't flinch. He was gently shaken but did not move. A restraint was undone and his arm was outstretched. When Dr Malcolm let go, Aaron's arm remained rigidly in place. It unnerved them.

"I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that Aaron is very ill." Each of them nodded at the Doctor. "He is experiencing full-blown mania with psychotic features and visual hallucinations," he said, pausing to let them absorb his words. "At the moment, he isn't capable of separating reality." Through the window, Chastity watched a curtain being pulled around Aaron's bed. She pursed her lips together to stop herself from crying. "We've given him a high dosage of mood stabilizers and antipsychotics." There was hesitation in the doctor's voice, "this medication has now caused Aaron to enter a catatonic state."

"Catatonic?" repeated Paddy.

"Yes, it's not unusual for this to happen. The brain is overloaded and it shuts down to protect itself."

"How long will he be like this?"

"We can't say for sure. Sometimes, it's just a few hours, sometimes days. However, there is a very small chance that this could continue for years." Each of them sucked in a breath and the doctor was quick to reassure, "There is a _very_ tiny chance."

"And then he'll be better?" asked Cain.

"Aaron controlled his bipolar disorder successfully for a number of years. There's no reason that, as long as we get his medication right, he shouldn't continue as he had done before." The shaky exhale sounded louder than Chastity intended and she felt her knees weaken from relief. All she wanted to do now was go and sit back with her son and hold his hand and hug him and kiss him and tell him that everything would be OK. The doctor was still talking, "People who are bipolar often lack the insight to understand how important it is that they stay on their medication. It usually takes a number of years before they follow their care plan. From his notes, it seems that since being diagnosed, Aaron has never relapsed like this, which is incredibly rare. What's important is that we understand the reason he stopped to prevent it from happening again." Something inside of Chastity stalled. It was knowledge, the understanding and realisation of her actions. She looked sideways at the Doctor and didn't miss the returning glance in her direction. He had after all been there when Aaron refused the new treatment plan. He'd looked at her then too before clearly stating that it needed to be _Aaron's_ decision. A nasty feeling started crawling through her limbs. The weight of her behaviour coiled into apprehension. A pulse pounded in her ears, drowning out what the doctor was saying. She had caused this. Fear and panic had blinded her. Aaron had said, _"You made me do it." _And he had been right. She'd interfered to such an extent that her son felt he had no choice but to take this drastic action.

"What happens now?" asked Paddy.

"We are going to call around the local psychiatric hospitals to find a bed." She felt sick. All those years ago, she'd sworn that Aaron would never end up hospitalized again. She'd made it her personal mission. She'd spent hours checking up on him. She'd pulled locks off doors and counted knives in drawers. She'd devoted herself to exhaustion, had shifted from caring to controlling, and it appeared it was all for nothing. It appeared that her attempts had thwarted the very thing she was striving to achieve. Chastity hated herself in that moment. What a terrible interfering cow she was. The doctor must have noticed how distressed she looked. He reached out a comforting hand, "hopefully, he won't have to be there for long. It does, of course, mean that it might be a while before he goes back to Dubai." Internally, Chastity laughed. Her determination that Aaron should return home felt ridiculous. Why had she been so single-minded? What had she been scared of? She couldn't believe what she'd done, and all for the sake of keeping two men apart. Chastity shook her head numbly. Everything had culminated to this point. She saw a timeline of failures, a succession of scenarios more horrible than the last. And she was responsible for each one. She felt walled-in by her behaviour, separated from the others involved in this conversation and too underserving to be a part of Aaron's recovery. As the discussion continued, something seemed to occur to the doctor and Chastity heard the words that maybe should have brought her relief, but she felt none. "There's a chance that flying to Britain in the first place may have aggravated Aaron's illness." This should have caught her attention. Instead she looked blankly at Doctor Malcolm as he spoke. "When people fly across time zones, it causes jetlag because the body and brain are completely out of synch with their normal patterns. With bipolar disorder, any slight change can cause a manic episode."

"Are you saying that Aaron was getting ill before he stopped taking his medication?" Paddy asked, his arms tightly folded and his brow creased.

The doctor shrugged, "when Aaron came to see me, I was weary of his sudden decision to have an unplanned trip on the other side of the world. It is exactly the sort of impulsive activity that a bipolar person engages in. It suggests that the lowered dosage wasn't enough to counteract the beginnings of the milder mania. When you add on the jetlag on top, then you find a person very vulnerable and susceptible to making the wrong decisions, hence him stopping his medication."

This theory vindicated her, meant that she wasn't completely responsible, that actually she hadn't emotionally manipulated Aaron. She wanted to cling to this, she really did, except she couldn't because it was completely hollow. Nothing was certain anymore. She could examine each theory but adhere to none. Was it the lowered medication and subsequent flight that began this chain reaction or was it her interference? After all, everything Doctor Malcolm was saying made perfect sense. It was the conclusion that she'd drawn earlier and had argued to whoever she needed. She was convinced that what happened between Aaron and Jackson was a result of the medication and now it seemed she was getting confirmation. What did she feel now? Relief that her assertion had been right? Validated for the way she'd spoken to Jackson? It was all there, written out like a neat little equation. The evidence was arguable and the answer easily confirmable. This should have made her happy, though something in the back of her mind knew that this was wrong. This was everything that she'd wanted to hear, but it left her feeling cold.

Doctor Malcolm left and Paddy motioned for her to enter Aaron's room. Cain had disappeared, but she didn't know if he was merely fetching something or if he'd gone home. Apparently, that whole conversation had happened without Chastity hearing a single word. They both settled into the room and gazed down upon Aaron. He was no longer shrouded by the curtain and he was now wearing a hospital gown. His restraints were undone but he made no attempt to move. Chastity held her breath as she took in every inch of his appearance. Aaron was lying flat out on the bed. His vacant eyes fixed on the ceiling. He was expressionless. He looked neither tense nor relaxed.

Paddy spoke first, "I guess you were right."

She didn't answer, instead she reached out her hand to touch Aaron's cheek. There was no reaction. "This is such a mess," Paddy said. He pushed up his glasses before leaning over in his chair. Chastity noted how exhausted he looked, but she didn't possess the energy to ask if he was OK. Instead, they settled into a silence that was interrupted only by Cain entering with a couple of coffees. It was Cain who spoke first, who voiced the Doctor's earlier surmising. She knew what he was going to say before he'd opened his mouth and could tell that so did Paddy. "Do _you_ think that Aaron only wants Jackson because of his illness?" She exhaled a shaky breath and didn't dare form an answer. "It's possible," responded Paddy, turbulent confusion washed his face. It looked like he was going to divulge a theory, or argue a case. Instead he merely gazed at Aaron and said nothing. "Do you think that Dean will take him back?" She closed her eyes against Cain's question. How on earth was she going to look Dean in the face? How was she going to explain that her gentle coaxing of him to visit the Emmerdale was nothing more than manipulation? She heard Paddy shift in his seat and opened her eyes to see his startled expression. "We just took off and left him in the village." He looked alarmed and overwhelmingly guilty. "We didn't even make sure he was OK. We need to call him." Chastity just closed her eyes.


	55. Chapter 55

She had an ounce of an idea that she could hide under the bed. It didn't get any heavier, didn't become two ounces or three. Didn't form past that first initial glint of suggestion. Didn't crystalize to become something tangible, something that she could act upon. The bed was too high, this was the problem. Visibility was present whether a person was sitting or passing by. If they were to sit down in the chair she currently occupied, then the view they'd be privy to would be of a woman in her forties, whose clothes were entirely inappropriate for her age and whose make-up smudged around her eyes. She'd be curled over, her arms clad around her jean-covered knees and a bright red stiletto slipping precariously from a foot. If said person were to, instead, enter the room and remain standing, then the sight would be different and infinitely fractured. A leather-sleeved elbow would jut from the shadows. Hair would suspend, the wisps made static from the bed frame. That single red stiletto would flash like a beacon, hanging from its disembodied foot. The black nail varnish painting the slightly aged toes would communicate a women perhaps not accustomed to sensible decisions. Either way, this person would finish with an expression of astonishment suspending their features. They'd eventually be looking at each other (the person and the woman), square in the face. This person no doubt dumbfounded by the sight. The woman might raise her eyebrow in a comical 'busted' expression or perhaps she'd unfurl from her hiding place and straighten up as if simply emerging from a car. Or maybe she'd return to that infantile belief that as long as you're frozen, you cannot be seen.

Dean was the said person who inspired this childish notion, with his tanned arms thrust deeply into his pockets and the delicate manner in which he entered the room. He trailed Paddy. The look on his face was one of grief. And in that second, the ounce of that idea formed and she would have done it, had the bed been lower. She would have hidden underneath, held her breath to still any announcing noises and prayed to remain shrouded. But the bed was too high so, instead, she simply rose unsteadily to greet him. "Hi Dean," Chastity said hesitantly, her voice cracking. Dean wore apprehension like a cloak. It covered every inch and seeped into his pours as if it were an intricate part of his biology. His shaky breath expanded to become an entire body tremble. Chastity risked a glance where Dean's eyes settled. She understood his distress. "He shouldn't be like this for long," spoke the deceptively calming tones of Paddy. In truth they didn't know. Ever the optimist, was Paddy. Always a man whose pint was half full and whose sky was decorated with silver-lined clouds. They didn't know, this was the reality. This could continue for years, those had been the doctor's words. The ambiguous way in which Aaron lay communicated neither a man ready to return nor desiring to indefinitely upkeep the status quo. He was now on his side, body slightly curled, arms tangled against his chest. Every now and again he'd tense his left arm, pushing his elbow into his ribcage. It was the only motion he persisted with, that and rapidly blinking. He'd stare off for ages, a faint determination in his eyes, before those lashes descended. The heaviness in which they landed communicated a character that lacked in every other part of Aaron's face. Every other part remained slack. There was no accustomed narrowing of the brow or petulant curling of the lip. Nothing to suggest he was anything but an imposter wearing a familiar mask. Dean looked terrified, "he's… he's catatonic." It was neither a question nor a statement, just said with the disbelief of someone who'd heard of a condition but never witnessed it. Perhaps never even given it any real consideration. "Yes, he is," confirmed Paddy. The older man had intercepted Dean in the reception area of the hospital. For the last two hours, he'd incessantly called, and each time the call had gone straight to voice mail. Paddy had fretted that they'd left Dean to deal with this alone, whilst Chastity had remained silent. When asked where she thought he was, she'd closed off. She didn't even attempt to hide it behind consideration. She merely shrugged and Paddy seemed to accept her obstructiveness as shock. When Dean finally answered his phone, he was encouraged by Paddy to come to the hospital and he didn't seem to require much persuasion. Looking at him now, it was obvious he'd been informed about Aaron's current condition during the walk from reception. His face displayed alarm, without confusion. Distress, but with no panic.

"Are you OK?" Chastity didn't really want to ask that question. It was too leading. It invited a response that might have to be met with solace. She'd asked for lack of anything else to say and because of that bed that was just too damn high. "I don't really know what I'm feeling." Paddy cleared his throat and stepped forward, stopping next to Dean. He gingerly put out a comforting hand but halted. Changing his mind, he stepped back. What do you say to someone whose loved one was in a catatonic state? It should be easy. It should be something along the lines of, 'Don't worry, we'll get through this together." This should be the sort of thing that unites a family, draws them together and provides them a goal. And that is exactly what would be happening now had it not been for that other man named Jackson. Maybe that's why Paddy stepped back, because he couldn't give such reassurance. Because to do it would mean dismissing Dean's fears and explaining Aaron's behaviour, putting it down to his condition. "It was only a few hours ago that I had no idea about any of this." Dean's eyes remained fixed on Aaron's form. "I didn't know about his illness. Had never heard of the name Jackson. Didn't even know the truth about his past." He swiped out his tongue to wet his lips and continued to gaze. His face relayed utter disbelief and complete torment. "I'm not sure what this says about our relationship."

"I'm sorry," replied Paddy and even though it was clear he meant it, he'd obviously said it in place of anything constructive. In response, Dean shifted his weight to his right foot. He folded his arms and sniffed loudly. He absently nodded and a determination crossed his features. It caused Chastity to suck in a breath. "Jackson said that Aaron stopped taking his medication before anything between them began." And there it was, the beginning of a long and hard conversation that she desperately wanted to circumvent. Chastity was jolted by an intense loathing at the height of that bed. Why hadn't it been lower? Why had that nurse hiked it to that level? Had she foreseen the cowardly opportunity that it possessed? Realised the potential sanction, the avoidance that could be achieved? "And we were happy," he continued, "we really were, so surely that must mean something." A nurse that had been the bed hiker came into sight. Chastity held her breath, hoping the woman was entering Aaron's room to check on him. She needed her presence to halt this line of conversation. Her prayer was not answered and the nurse continued past the window without slowing. "But how is it that he is a complete mystery to me, we're meant to be getting married? She could see what Dean was doing. She could understand the back and forth trapeze, see the daring stunts his mind performed as it navigated and analysed. "You know, it all makes sense now, the way he was. His strange moods." His eyes stared off wistfully. "He'd be like two different people and we even used to joke about it. Sometimes, he'd be so fun. He'd want to meet friends and take random trips and he'd have so many dreams about the future. But then there was the other Aaron. This one would keep his head down, want to hide away. He never wanted to do anything other than stuff his hands deep in his pockets and frown uncomfortably. I loved both of them." Dean paused and then moved jerkily, the motion looking uncoordinated and unplanned. His eyes landed on Chas. She felt the molecules of her skin tingle, she imagined them moving protectively to form a barrier. To thicken, to become impenetrable. "So go on then, which one is the real Aaron?"

"I don't know," she answered and internally she heard the inner voice screaming at her that she was a coward. "OK, so who was he right back at the beginning? Before suicide attempts and train crashes and hospitalisations?" The answer caught in the back of her throat. It remained at the threshold of her oesophagus, too terrified to do anything but meekly peek out at the hostile environment. Self-interest reversed her words movements and she remained silent. It was Paddy who responded, "Aaron was always more like the second person." Maybe he spoke so easily because he felt no responsibility. He'd carved no lines, manipulated no one. He'd done what he was always willing to do, wait, listen and think. They'd played their roles so predictably, she'd fallen into character with no hesitation and it made her insides burn. Dean studied Paddy's words for long moments. They were pulled apart, rearranged and reassembled. Inverted, turned up-side-down, broken and fixed. He mouthed them silently, trying them on for size. Confusion accompanied and the squint in Dean's eyes made his next words indeterminable. They waited and every cell in her body froze when he finally spoke. "It doesn't matter. _I still love him_." It was said with no trace of hesitancy, merely determination. He nodded at them aggressively. "This last week, Aaron has been ill. I know this." He bit his lip for a second, "We _will_ get past this." Everything inside Chastity collapsed. She trembled at these declarations, the firm stance and the formidability in which they were spoken, they was so beautiful. It spoke of the strength in Dean's character. Paddy's eyes met hers and a small, uncertain smile graced his lips. This is the scenario that should follow. She should bend her knees in relief. Touch her shaky finger tips to her forehead. Take a moment to breath heavily and say a silent thanks. She should approach Dean, curl a hand around his defined arm, pull him close, and encircle him into a hug. Tell him that everything will be OK. Rejoice that she didn't have to go through the hard sell. Hadn't had to stand and beg and speak unsurely of Aaron's illness and its part in the reconciliation between Aaron and Jackson. Dean had done it on his own, come to the conclusion with no assistance from either of them, no lie had escaped her lips. No further manipulations needed to follow. But Chastity remained still, this magnificent flow of events didn't materialise. Dean had a look of anticipation breaking through his steely expression, it was clear from the twitch in the corner of his mouth that he wanted to expand his lips into a smile. He was poised, ready to receive Chastity's answering grin. He scanned her, waiting for that positive and life-affirming moment that always appeared in happy endings. Chastity just looked at him and the smile halted. Around her, she heard a swishing noise, as if everything was moving past too quickly. And it was. She wasn't ready to perform the task that she alone needed to do. She chattered her teeth together and held her breath. She was undoing everything in this single sentence. "I'm so… sorry Dean." She glanced at Paddy, his gaze was fixed back at her. His brow was raised. He understood what she was doing and his look was of comprehension intermingled with shock. "I'm sorry," she repeated, exhaling shakily. Moisture accumulated in her mouth, coating her teeth and muffling her words. "I could stand here and agree that this last week was all one big mistake." Moisture pricked her eyes, "And I want to. You have no idea how much I want to do that. I could say that Aaron is ill, that you should completely ignore everything, and oh god I really want to do that." Dean's frame leant back, creating distance, his face creased to the tiniest degree. "But that would be a lie." Water bubbled up in her eyes, obscuring her view, and she frantically wiped it away, she'd started and so she needed to finish. "The doctor said that everything that Aaron had done could be down to his medication, this would be such a comfortable theory for me. I could cling to it and adamantly reiterate it, but all the while I would be ignoring the truth." Her throat caught again, a hard round ball prevented the words from seeing light, she swallowed aggressively. This next sentence _needed_ to be said and it jerked out like a knife attack. "But, Aaron loves Jackson. He always has, he _always _will. And Aaron _wants_ Jackson." She immediately averted his gaze, unable to bear witness to the outpour of grief on Dean's face. He was silent as he digested her words, "why are you saying this?" he whispered. She imagined blood spilling from the open wound she'd just created. She focused on the bed that cradled her son, watching Aaron perform another round of rapid blinks.

"Because it's the truth and it's the least you deserve."

"You could be wrong."

"I'm not wrong."

"I don't understand," begged Dean. Aaron pressed his elbow into his ribcage, it didn't mean anything. Certainly not that he was about to come to and definitely not that he was about to take over from what his mother had started. An intense need to cry overcame her and she bit down on her lip, she couldn't look back at Dean. "I don't understand," he repeated, "you called me here. You got me to come to England." He was saying this defiantly, as if it were some contradictory evidence. "I know," she still couldn't look at him and once again fantasised of the opportunities gained from being hidden beneath the bed. "So why am I here then?" Disbelief gently collided against her cheek. She took a shaky breath and stared, willing those tears not to fall. Dean shouldn't have to contend with them as well. Steeling herself, she turned back to face the full force of her irresponsibility. She had set the motions in place, she had inserted that last cog, and it was up to her to fix whatever was possible. "Because I was scared and desperate and because I didn't want to believe that Aaron and Jackson were getting back together. Because I couldn't handle everything that had happened and this was my attempt at making sure history wouldn't repeat itself. I saw their love as poisonous, something that needed to be contained. I thought they had caused every terrible thing in each other's life. I couldn't see that their love lived on _in spite_ of every terrible thing. I was wrong, I know that, now" she paused, uncertain, "actually I always knew it, I just accept it now."

It took a second and then Dean's face contorted to resentment, anger dispersed from him in waves. His denial hardened into a compact mass of contempt, "What, so I was just a pawn?"

"I'm sorry," she answered, futilely. It meant nothing, it was as solid as the breath that carried the words. The tears that she'd held at bay earlier, trailed her cheeks. Paddy hadn't spoken, hadn't joined in. He'd merely stared between her and Dean. She'd watched his expression grow more sombre at every uncomfortable sentence uttered. "Dean," he quietly, finally said. Dean interrupted him suddenly, what he said came out slow and determined, "I don't believe it." He shook his head, his anger receding once again behind the more comfortable emotion of denial. Chastity could understand, at least denial brought hope. "OK," she answered delicately, needing to navigate without crushing salt into the wound. More tears fell. "You're more than welcome to stay as long as you need, OK? Until Aaron comes to or whatever." She sniffed, "But, I'm telling you that the only grief he will feel is because he hurt you." Her voice broke and her last words lost coherency, the truth of them too much even for Chastity to bear. "Because he _loves_ Jackson."

Dean didn't respond. He remained silent, breathing heavily, his own eyes encased with a watery sheen. He gazed around the room, a desperate need to anchor himself apparent in his face. His eyes settled on Aaron who once again blinked rapidly. Dean sucked in a breath and Chastity believed that he was willing Aaron to suddenly sit up and dispute everything she had just said. Nothing happened and when he turned and stumbled towards the door, she wanted to follow, to speak some sort of comfort, to make everything alright. But didn't, because in truth, there was nothing more to say. This was the reality, she was done. Instead, she felt a clammy hand slip into hers and looked up to see Paddy gazing at her. His image blurred through her sodden, puffy eyes and she shuddered out a sob. "Did I do the wrong thing?"

"No, you did the right thing."


	56. Chapter 56

There were all those well-documented actions that were reported to stop you from crying. Pinching yourself, slapping yourself. Moving from the vicinity. There was the act of thinking of your favourite things, like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Encasing those good times in a capsule and burying them deeply. There was imagining beautiful things, new beginnings, and concentrating on the relieved feelings at a rotten, narrowly escaped future. There was the ability to dissect. To separate and analyse. To break apart and examine a whole segment as singular entities. To rearrange and recreate, enabling you to disregard those components that do not fit. There were the delusions. Those one's that settled so deep into your heart that reality is not permitted to penetrate. They wrap and weave so intensely, becoming elaborate fabric burnt into your memory. There were all these things and most definitely more, but Jackson engaged in none. And yet even with all this inactivity, no tears fell. Why was this? Could it be because they were running low? That for each scenario or person, only a number of tears were allocated. Maybe his tear ducts was under strict command to ration. Maybe history dictated that this would not be the last time he would require them, and so it was imperative that immediate hoarding began. Perhaps there was an impending drought calling for restrictions. This last idea seemed the most likely explanation, because Jackson found himself bone dry. His eyes were a stretch of desert, abandoned by every life form desperately seeking moisture. The cracks were showing, the lines extending out from a central point. The environment was becoming inhospitable. "Do you want me to download any books for you?" And just like a creature who agonisingly trudges along desert grounds looking for vitality, Jackson's eyes struggled to roll towards the voice, he took forever. "No."

"OK," Joe paused sombrely, he was collecting a computer cable, coiling the length and resting it back on the table, "well, is there anything else that you need?"

"No." He couldn't help but wonder what all those draught-ridden creatures see when traipsing the milieu, weakened and with nothing but a pure instinctual need to survive urging them on. Desolation? Hope? Do they fantasize? Do they create a mirage, the image rippling and bending on the horizon? "Jackson, are you _sure_ you want to do this?" Joe sat heavily against the table; he folded his arms tightly. "I think you're being too rash."

Jackson snorted humourlessly and his response accompanied an attempted raised head, something that turned out to be just too demanding in the current climate. "Luckily, one of the few things I can still do is think, so leave that up to me." He didn't need outside interpretation, he had his mirage already perfectly realised. He saw himself wrapped up and packaged and sent off. Cocooned and protected by distance. "Maybe you should sleep on it?" encouraged Sarah, who was sitting in front of him, for the last four hours keeping vigil and supplying him endlessly with cups of coffee. None were drunk. "No." He was a creature. One whose imminent destruction was a message being carried merely a few paces behind. And he needed to move on, to drive forth, to survive. "Are you at least going to see Aaron first?"

"No." The look exchanged between Joe and Sarah was loaded and Jackson sucked in a sudden angry breath. They needed to be separated, he couldn't have them tag-teaming like a pair of coyotes, relentlessly attacking him until his last resolve crumbled. Jackson clenched his jaw, "Sarah, there is really no reason for you to be here now, Joe is going to take me."

"I know, but I want to stay." He didn't have time for this, obliteration was at his heels. Decisions had been made, preparations completed. "Well, I want you to leave." In front of him, she merely swallowed hard and reached out a hand to squeeze his arm. "For what it's worth," she rose and Jackson lazily followed with his gaze, "I'm sorry, for my part in all of this." Jackson knew this, he really did and out of everyone's apology, he felt hers was least of all required. "Don't worry," he numbly replied. She probably wanted more than those two uttered words, but Jackson was conserving his strength. His last reserves were depleting, his current situation barren. "You'll call me, when you need me again, or just to chat, won't you?"

"Sure." And then she looked at him one last time, the corner of her mouth curling into a sorry smile. Tears that evaded Jackson, clearly stung at her eyes. She turned to Joe, "Look after him, yeah?"

"Yeah."

Jackson clenched his eyes shut, willing her to leave. Hearing the footsteps along the carpet and without seeing, knowing that she'd just given Joe a goodbye embrace. Relief flooded him, he felt much more able with only one of them. His determination would not be so easily challenged. His need to run and hide, to curl up and remain still would succeed. He realised though, in the back of his mind, that maybe, just maybe, if he had the ability to engage emotions, then he'd feel the tiniest bit ugly for pushing everyone away. And with that realisation, guilt crept through his veins. He needed to say a proper goodbye, feeling that it was the least she deserved. When he opened his eyes, he saw that someone had joined her. A shaky breath immediately expelled from Jackson like a dark foreboding mushroom cloud, expanding into the atmosphere and absorbing the space. "Hi." Chastity Dingle was in his house.

"Get out!" When a person is at their most bleak, when they have nothing but the tiny flicker to endure, and the need for self-preservation overwhelms, this is when survival kicks in. A defence is erected, and anger surfaces. This is what Jackson found out in that moment. "Just give me a minute." His eyes flashed to the front door. It hung wide open, Sarah's arm holding it in place, a worried expression clearly written. In that moment of self-reflection, Jackson had missed the knock on the door, he'd missed Sarah opening it and the delicately requested entry. He'd missed Sarah's uneasy steps back, giving Chastity room. "I just want to talk."

"No!" He couldn't do it any more, the resentment, accusations and retaliations. He was down to his last reserves. They were tiny droplets in a well. "Jackson, please. Five minutes, that's all I'm asking."

"Joe, get her out of here!"

"_Please, Jackson!"_ The desperation in her voice stilled him. She sounded startlingly raw and he couldn't help but be silenced by it. Her face was a blotchy mess, her make-up clearly cried away some time ago. Her hair looked as though it had been tugged at in anguish. "Five minutes, _please, just give me that_."

"I don't owe you anything." From the corner of his narrowly opened eyes, he watched her. This was everything that Jackson wanted to avoid. He wanted to make his secret getaway before there was any chance for recriminations. Before anyone returned to the village, before the gossip started and before he had to face Aaron. "I know," Chastity said and he reeled back at her response. The vulnerability he saw was completely unnerving, stopping Jackson in his tracks. He said nothing, only aware of his breathing that sounded unusually loud and the nervous expression embracing her face. Chastity shifted uncomfortably. She spoke hesitantly, "I thought you'd come to the hospital with Adam."

He bit out a retort, "I thought it was best that I stay away." She nodded her head, possibly because she already knew this and maybe because she was agreeing with his decision. "Adam told me, he also said you were leaving the village." Jackson clenched his teeth, "Come to see me off, have you?"

"No." She glanced to the corner of the room. He was ready, all that was left to do was pack up the car and for Joe to drive him. There lay a selection of suitcases and bags, medical apparatus and computer equipment. It was a long time since Jackson had been able to travel light. "Where are you going?"

"To my Dad's, spend a bit of time with Joshua."

"How long for?"

"I don't know. Work doesn't begin until the end of September. That's seven weeks for everything to sort itself out in my absence." The unspoken line was there. It didn't need airing, they both knew that 'sorting itself out' was referring to Aaron's recovery. And Jackson was thinking further than that, he was imagining Aaron getting back on that plane and Dean following, he was fantasising of never going through the heartache of seeing him again. Chastity just paused, warily staring at the luggage and nodding her head absently. She looked like she wanted to cry, something that apparently everyone but Jackson was capable of. "Err," Chas sucked on her bottom lip and sniffed aggressively, "In case you were wondering, Aaron…"

"I wasn't." His response shocked her, freezing her arched eyebrows and parted lips. "I don't want to hear anything about him."

"I don't believe that."

"I don't care what you think." She could have stopped, could have respected his wishes, but a determination focused her eyes. She was never one to concede to another's wants and Jackson no longer possessed the ability to clamp his hands over his ears. So when she spoke, he heard her clearly. "Aaron is catatonic. The doctor's gave him something and now he's catatonic." Jackson blinked, unable to absorb for a moment. Catatonic? This conjured vague images seen from forgotten films. Of individuals staring at nothing and rocking where they sat. His wall of self-preservation chipped just enough to form a hole. Jackson centred his face and looked through to the other side. "Catatonic?" he repeated.

"Yes." This was all too much to hear. How could things get any worse? Hadn't they already hit rock bottom? His mind's eye fixed on the image of Aaron, terrified, sick, and embattled with the inner struggle of a mental illness. Her words sickened him and he turned his head away, trying in vain to deflect their impact. "So, is that why you're here, to let me know just what I've done?"

"No. I've come to tell you that I'm sorry about the way I spoke to you this morning." Jackson suddenly had an uncontrollable urge to laugh and he would have, had Chastity's lips not been pursed so tightly together, exuding seriousness. His and Chastity's relationship had always wavered ferociously. There was unconditional blame for Aaron's absence and an overwhelming hate for the suicide attempt. But intermitted with that was genuine appreciation. She'd felt that Jackson had made Aaron a better person and had been thankful once realising that letting Aaron go had been selfless. But now Jackson was exhausted by it. He didn't understand this latest round. Only this morning, she was screaming at him and he found now that he just didn't have the energy to navigate. He just wanted to leave, desperately so. "I've come to tell you I was wrong."

"I don't understand."

"I was wrong."

"About what?" he squared his jaw as if it acted as some sort of protection.

"About you, and about Dean and most definitely about Aaron." This was a joke, it had to be. Some sick way to twist the knife one last time. "I know Aaron loves you. I know he wants to be with you."

"Oh and just how do you know this?" Scorn soaked his reply.

"I just do."

"I thought he was catatonic?"

"He is."

"So how can you possibly know? Has he said this? Has he actually said these words?"resentment dripped from every syllable. What right did she have to say this? He was scurrying together the last of himself, curling inwards, not looking back. There was a course, and he needed to leave for it. He didn't have time for her bizarre optimistic change of heart. He was too empty to perform her absolution. Jackson suddenly felt overwhelmingly irate.

"No, he hasn't said those words."

"So why are you saying this?" He was shouting now.

"Because I know it to be the truth!" Jackson rocked his head back into his chair. "Secretly, I've always known it." He shut his eyes and bit down on his lip angrily, surprised when he suddenly tasted blood. When he opened them, his vision quivered, the adrenalin making him shake, complete contempt echoed outwards. His voice trembled, "I don't even know it to be true."

"Yes, you do, you know it too. You're soul mates!" The statement was like the cold piercing shock of a bucket of water full in the face. His lips parted, an expression of disbelief painted his face, and he could give no answer to her declaration. Chastity spoke, a deep regret encircled her. She knelt down in front of him and pulled at his arms. "And that's why I've said all this to Dean already." She spoke fiercely. "I've just watched him climb into a taxi. He's going back to Dubai tonight. He knows that there's no future between them." Jackson looked at her wildly, scanning her face. "I know how much you love Aaron. I know how much he loves you." Uneven breaths tripped clumsily from him. "This is you and him getting a second chance."

Somewhere, deep down, lay an undercover cove. Its contents unknown, its walls seeped with moisture, the dampness suddenly rising with the swell of emotion. Jackson didn't think it was possible. He'd thought he was done, spent, dry. He imagined that every tear had already been absorbed by Aaron, he didn't think it was conceivable to expel anymore. And so when the first sharp sob caught in his throat, it overwhelmed him and suddenly his cries resounded, reverberating off the walls and startling the other occupants in the room. His defences were lowered, the rain had arrived. He was crying for everything now, for himself and Dean, for Chastity and for Aaron. Chastity threw her arms around him as he wailed, the terrible force hard to witness. Huge wracking sobs tumbled out for the lost years. The horror of Aaron's condition caused massive hitching breaths to shudder his frame. His own disability, the frustration and resentment of it all, brought obscuring tears. This was for the arguments, setbacks, and smiles. For every achievement, accusation, and kiss. It was for everything that had happened in just seven short days. For his overwhelming, heart-wrenching love and for the understanding that he just can't live without Aaron. It bellowed out of him, the intensity closing around tightly, leaving him breathless. And when he was finished, he sat, like a washed up sea wreck.

A long conversation followed. Joe and Sarah stayed at his side, offering their support. They talked about the past, they talked about the present, but mostly about the future. At one point, Chastity reached forward to wipe the dried blood from Jackson's lip and her motherliness stunned him. She cried herself, begging for forgiveness, berating herself for causing Dean an immeasurable amount of pain, and gave a blow-by-blow account of the conversation leading to his departure. They discussed the book, and Aaron's distraught reaction. Laughed at how stupid they were to believe that he'd so easily given his consent. There was a moment's stalling as Jackson fretted – could Aaron handle his past being so exposed? She'd reassured him that it would be alright, that they would get through this together. Jackson then talked at how hopeless and unworthy he found his existence at times, the very thing that instigated their separation. Chastity questioned Jackson's message, ultimately the thing that started all this off. He confessed that it broke his heart not to have any contact with Aaron. But, of course, what he had secretly fantasised was that it might be the start of a reconciliation. She told him of the photo that Aaron kept in his luggage. The one of them wrapped so tightly together, and Jackson had smiled, because he had the same one.

And then a phone call had interrupted the tense confessional atmosphere and apprehension had fill Jackson's lungs. Leaving Dale Head, they'd gathered their wits, composure and courage. The four of them traipsed a long corridor, Jackson followed, the others keeping tight formation around him like a security entourage. Through the glass window, a tableau laid out clearly. The wall clock displayed the hour hand at eight, the minute hand at four. Adam was leaning forward in a chair, a small smile spreading his lips. Cain's body stood against the wall, his arms tightly folded, the tiniest glint of reassurance in his eyes. And in the middle, at the centre of this scene, sat Aaron, just like always. He was upright, sitting forward and unsupported by the hospital pillows. His head trembled as he inched forward, taking a delicate mouthful from the spoon that Paddy held out to him. The thick glass permitted only the loudest sounds to pass into the corridor, and so Paddy's softly spoken encouragements could only been seen and not heard. Aaron's entire body shook, his eyes were wide and startled, they belayed depths of fear. Despite this, it was clear that he was over the worst danger. That the sharp intensity of the medication had brought a quick equilibrium of sorts.

Something spilt onto the bed as Jackson watched and a startled flash twisted Aaron's features. They witnessed Paddy quickly console and wipe at the mess. Aaron seemed so fragile, the lightest wind capable of carrying him off. He was as helpless as a new born and it frightened Jackson. But this was OK, because he was ready. It was now day zero, a resurrection was occurring, they _would_ rise from the ashes. And he didn't know what lay ahead, he could only imagine the difficult conversations, and envisage the slow recovery. There was one thing for certain though, and this was that they'd be doing it together.

The End

* * *

><p><strong>Whilst writing this (and especially during the last few chapters), I felt that I was writing a made-for-TV movie. There were that many dramatic scenes, I was convinced that everyone would start to get sick of the story. But you didn't. You still faithfully read and reviewed. And those reviews really helped to shape some of the chapters. I am so grateful to those who took the time.<strong>

**I am also in the debt of Sylvain, who has cared enough about my story to patiently betaread. My knowledge of correctly written English was sketchy before. But he took the time to show me, despite how many times he had to point out the same errors. He made the story so much better. You may also have noticed half way through, that the writing style started to change. By the end sounding like I'd swallowed a poetry book. That was just me flexing my wings and I hope you enjoyed the change.**

**I'm not sure what the future will bring, hopefully they'll be more Aarson fic. I do have some ideas for follow on pieces, but I might go quiet for a bit.**

**And finally I thought I'd include a link. Imagine this was a made-for-TV movie. This would be playing in the end credits: www . youtube . com/watch?v=9muzyOd4Lh8 **


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